Chapter 19
HOLLY
Paul’s question hung in the air between us.
I knew we’d been dancing around it all night.
He had let his guard down as we hung out but a few times, it felt like he was thinking about something.
And I was too. It was impossible not to remember our old times together.
When I saw that pretty brunette talking to him on the ice rink and then his mates joked about him breaking hearts, mine had squeezed a little bit.
And that pissed me off. I couldn’t let myself get wistful about the past. I’d made the decision to walk away and I knew it had been the right one.
But when he looked at me like he was looking at me now, all I could remember were the times I’d wanted him to want me like I’d wanted him.
I took a breath to steady myself. ‘It was too hard keeping in contact with you. It made me want to come back. It made me miss you…’ My voice dropped to a whisper. ‘Too much.’
Paul shook his head. ‘I was miserable when you left. I kept hoping you’d ask me to come and visit or you’d come home for the holidays.
But when you stopped replying to me, I felt like I couldn’t reach out and tell you that.
You ran away, Hols. But I thought you were running from Birchbrook.
Not from me.’ His voice broke a little bit at the end.
‘God.’ I ran my hands over my face as I tried not to break down myself.
‘It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do leaving this town, but the worst part was leaving you.
I wanted to come back so many times but I knew if I did, I wouldn’t leave again.
And this place made me unhappy. I didn’t want to be stuck here like my mum was, and still is.
I didn’t want to fall in love with someone who would screw me over like my dad did to her.
I needed to do something different with my life. ’
‘You mean do something better,’ he said, with bitterness. ‘I wasn’t good enough for you.’
‘What do you mean? You were my best friend! And I was upset that you backed out on our plan to leave together. You were going to come to university with me. When you didn’t, it felt like you’d chosen Birchbrook over me. And I couldn’t stay there.’
Paul sighed. ‘It’s fine. We were young and I know you felt that you had to make a new life yourself. I get that. It just… hurt.’
He switched on the engine and drove us out of the car park, the air around us thick with things unsaid.
After a few moments, I couldn’t take the tense silence any more.
‘I thought about you a lot over the years. It just became harder and harder to reach out. I thought it was too late. That’s why it’s been nice seeing you again.
We can hang out while I’m here, can’t we?
Become friends again.’ I ignored how much I’d wanted us to be more than that.
That was years ago and nothing had changed.
Even if Paul could ever see me as more than a friend, I didn’t want to be like my mum.
I didn’t want to get stuck in Birchbrook.
And I didn’t think I could ever trust a man enough to make a life with him.
Paul might hurt me like my dad had hurt me all those years ago.
It was better this way. Safer on both of our hearts to just be friends forever.
‘You’ll be leaving in a few weeks,’ he replied with a shrug. ‘Maybe we should just leave it at tonight; we’ve caught up and all that.’ His short, grumpy responses were back even though he had been more like his old self all night.
I was suddenly pissed off with him and I wasn’t exactly sure why.
‘So, what, you’re going to just ignore me while I’m in town?
That’s childish, Paul. I’m sorry we lost touch but it’s not like you really tried to stay in touch with me either; you stopped messaging me too, and you didn’t come to the city like you said you would.
Maybe we should just accept we weren’t as close as we thought we were!
’ We reached Birchbrook High Street then and I suddenly didn’t want to be in the car with him any more. ‘Can you pull over here, please?’
‘Holly, I’m driving you home,’ he replied, his voice sounding just as annoyed as mine.
‘Pull over!’ I repeated, wanting to get some fresh air.
With a heavy sigh, he pulled in just outside the café. ‘It’s raining, by the way.’
I opened the door and jumped out, shutting it loudly, realising as he spoke that it had started to pour and then I felt like an idiot standing there angry in the rain.
Paul got out and slammed his car door shut too, staring at me over the roof. ‘Why are you pissed at me? You left and you didn’t come back. I’m the one who should be pissed off.’
‘You have no idea why I couldn’t come back!’ I flung back at him, hot tears building up behind my eyes. ‘I—’ A crack of thunder cut through what I was about to say, making me jump.
‘Let’s go inside,’ he said, hurrying for the café door.
I couldn’t argue – a storm was coming right at us – so I rushed after him and half-dived through the café door, shutting it behind us.
We stood in the darkness of the silent café as the rain hammered down outside, and a flash of lightning showed our matching fuming expressions.
We stared at each other, the tension between us even stronger now.
‘Why couldn’t you come back then?’ Paul asked.
I shook my head and tried to turn and get away from him but I was stuck with the weather.
‘Hols,’ he pleaded with me, his voice so urgent, I paused and looked back. ‘Tell me, please, or I’ll go crazy wondering.’
‘Because I… I liked you more than just as my best friend. You…’ I struggled for a word to describe him. I couldn’t think of something that summed up how both angry I was at him and how desperate I was for him right now.
‘You liked me?’ Paul interpreted, his eyes locked onto mine. I wanted to run from this moment but my body was frozen. ‘Holly.’ He said my name as desperately as I felt it sounded like.
I nodded just once.
He moved so fast, I gasped, and put his hands on either side of my face, backing me up against the café counter behind us.
I leaned against it, grateful for the support, as he looked into my eyes, and gently rubbed one side of my cheek with his rough hands.
‘You liked me?’ he asked again; this time, his voice was just a gruff whisper.
I knew I should deny it but I was tired of doing that. I had been denying it for as long as I could remember. ‘Yes,’ I whispered back weakly, and my hands reached out and rested on his hips.
Paul’s lips were on me before I had even finished the word.
I gasped again into his mouth but this time, it was more a gasp of want, of need, than of surprise.
He kissed me fiercely like he was unable to be slow or gentle and I found myself kissing him back with the same ferocity.
He held my face tightly and leaned into me so I was pressed up to the counter.
I must have winced a little because he quickly moved his hands to my waist and sat me on top of the counter.
I hooked my arms around his neck as our mouths found each other again instantly, barely breaking off to catch our breath.
Paul’s tongue massaged mine as we kissed passionately. More passionately than I’d ever been kissed or kissed someone before in my whole life. We clung to each other like we’d needed this for ten years.
And maybe we had.
I reached out for the buttons of his shirt and started unbuttoning them, pushing the shirt away so I could place my hands on his chest. Paul lips left my mouth and trailed down my neck and my collarbone, his hands slipping under my jumper at the back, stroking my bare skin.
Then he moved them around, touching my stomach and moving up to stroke over my bra.
His fingertips filled me with heat. I squirmed closer, tightening my legs around his and he grunted in response, moving his hands to the hem of my jumper to give it a tug.
I lifted my arms up and he started to pull it off me until a sudden, loud clap of thunder made us both jump and freeze in shock.
Paul let go of my jumper and I dropped my arms. We were both breathless as the storm raged outside.
‘Fuck,’ Paul said finally, leaning back to look at me like he was in the middle of a dream. Lightning lit up his eyes, dark with want, and the small smile on his lips.
I wanted to smile back but I was too stunned.
My pulse pounded in my neck and my body throbbed with desire.
My lips were tingling from his lips and my chin felt like it was red from his beard.
I was dizzy with confusion at how our bodies had reacted to one another like they had.
Another clap of thunder shook me further from my trance.
I let my legs loosen from his waist. Paul took an automatic step back from me.
He opened his mouth to say something but I couldn’t hear whatever it was.
I had come back to earth with a sudden thud. Panic had replaced desire instantly.
I hopped off the counter and Paul made no move to stop me, his eyes on me as I jumped down onto the floor.
‘I can’t,’ I said and I stepped away from him towards the door. ‘I can’t do this,’ I repeated.
‘Don’t…’ Paul slumped against the counter but I didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence.
Instead, like the coward I had been ten years ago, and still was now, I yanked the café door open.
The bloody bell jangled like it had no idea the pain that was flowing through my body, and I dived out into the storm, not caring how wet I would get outside or how the hell I’d make it back to the farm in this storm; I just needed distance from the best damn kiss of my life.