Chapter 25
HOLLY
Mum’s head snapped up and our eyes met across the table. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I just feel like we never talk about it.’
‘You know I was devastated,’ she snapped. ‘Why are you bringing this up and ruining lunch?’
This was our problem: both of us shut down any discussion of the past. But it meant we never resolved anything.
‘Actually, Mum, I don’t know that. You never told me you were devastated when Dad left.
In fact, you acted like nothing had happened and nothing was wrong.
And told me off for not wanting to speak to him!
’ I said, my voice rising in frustration.
I didn’t like our relationship now. Being back in the cottage, I thought back to how things had been between us and I wished we could go back to that. Maybe talking about my dad might help.
Mum shook her head. ‘You misunderstood everything,’ she said.
‘Of course I was devastated! I loved him. He was my happy ever after. We made you. I thought we had a perfect family. His betrayal shocked me but I still had you to think about. I tried to put on a front for you so you wouldn’t see how broken I was.
I didn’t want it to ruin your life as well! ’
‘I thought you didn’t care,’ I whispered.
She stared at me for a moment. ‘I can’t believe you thought that.
I was ashamed. He ran off with someone so much younger, and your teacher; she’d been over here for dinner.
I liked her! You liked her!’ She let out a weary sigh.
‘The reason I wanted you to speak to him was because I thought you still needed your father and you’d regret it one day if you didn’t.
And I suppose I thought you blamed me for it all.
I didn’t want you to also blame me for losing contact with him. ’
‘I thought you blamed me,’ I said, so stunned at her thinking it was the other way round that my sentence came out barely above a whisper.
‘It wasn’t your fault, Holly!’ she cried. ‘I thought I must have been a terrible wife for him to want to leave. But you did nothing wrong.’
‘We were happy once. Why did that change?’
There was a long silence. I didn’t think either of us had an answer to that.
Maybe it was as simple as Dad fell in love with someone else and chose her, and a new life, over us.
I had no idea what life that had turned out to be.
I hadn’t done what Mum wanted; I’d cut off contact with him.
Maybe I’d never know if he was happier without us. Maybe it was better not to know.
Paul’s advice about opening up to my mum came back to me. ‘Things were really hard at school.’ I broke the silence with that confession, blurting it out before I talked myself out of it. ‘I was teased and taunted about Dad running off with my teacher.’
‘What? Holly, you never said!’ She got up then and came round to my side of the table. She hesitated for a moment then leaned down to give me a quick hug. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that?’
‘Because Dad left and after that, you acted like nothing bad had happened. I thought you didn’t care.
That you wouldn’t want to know. And like I said, I thought you blamed me for him going so you wouldn’t care if I was having problems at school.
Maybe I thought…’ I took a deep breath before I could finish. ‘That I deserved it all.’
‘God, Holly, I haven’t been a good mother at all, have I?
I’ve kept too much to myself. It sounds like we are more similar than we’d care to admit.
You did the same as me and kept all that you were feeling inside.
’ She walked back to her side and sank back down into her chair. ‘Is that why you left Birchbrook?’
‘There were a lot of reasons but yeah, it felt like the town was against me. And our relationship was strained. I liked the idea of a fresh start. I didn’t want to end up hating the town and resenting everyone in it like my dad obviously had.’
‘Your father was the one who wanted to move here,’ she said, surprising me again.
I always thought it was my mum who had loved Birchbrook out of the two of them.
‘He had visited once with his family and always wanted to come back. Saw it as an idyllic place to start a family. And I fell in love with it too. You can’t blame a town for one person’s actions, Holly.
Your dad would have left us wherever we lived.
Maybe he wouldn’t have met her,’ she said, bitter about the woman, which I would never blame her for.
‘But the way he walked away without a second glance made me think he wasn’t the man I thought he was.
He was never satisfied, never happy with what we had, and that would have been the case even if we hadn’t been in Birchbrook.
People rallied around me. I was grateful to my friends here; I still am.
Yes, I felt ashamed and there was gossip but that died down when you left.
This town has really become somewhere lovely to live now. ’
‘People keep telling me that,’ I replied dryly.
‘If I had known about what was going on at your school, I would have marched down there and made sure they put a stop to it all! I thought you were happy at school with Paul.’
‘He was my only ally there.’
‘He was devastated when you left. Used to come round for a cup of tea on his way home from school for the first couple of months.’
‘Really?’ The look on his face when I told him I’d liked him back then came into my mind. He’d looked so shocked but so happy. His whole face had come alive. The way he had instantly kissed me like he was unable not to had thrilled me. He was someone else that I’d kept my feelings from.
And I was still doing that with him now.
‘He was lost without you. We both were. I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty, love, but you seem to think that no one cared about you here. But you left a big hole when you left.’
A tear rolled down my cheek at her words. It felt like I had needed to hear that for years. ‘I missed you a lot,’ I admitted. ‘And Paul. So much so that I pulled away from you both in case I wanted to come home again.’
‘Why would that have been so bad, love?’
‘I didn’t want to fail. And I didn’t want to end up resenting Birchbrook like I thought my dad did. Or have someone break my heart like he had done. I didn’t trust anyone, even myself, when I left. I’m not sure I do now either.’
‘You are nothing like him!’ she cried fiercely.
‘Don’t let him break your faith or trust in people just because he didn’t deserve either.
There are good people out there who will love you if you let them, and if you let yourself love them back, you can be happy.
I still believe that, even after what happened to us.
Don’t let him make you into someone you aren’t.
You were always so loyal and protective of people you loved.
Even if you hid behind your sarcasm and dry humour,’ she said with a twinkle back in her eye.
‘And I always envied how determined you were. And still are. You can do anything you want, just remember that. I know you’re strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. ’
‘If I am, it’s because of you,’ I told her.
It felt like something between us that had been damaged, or even broken, for a long time was starting to mend now.
I looked down at my plate. ‘That lasagne was even better than I remembered. This whole cottage is better than I remember,’ I found myself saying in wonder.
‘It’s so good to have you home,’ Mum replied. ‘I brought down the Christmas tree from the loft. I thought maybe you were right; I shouldn’t have kept it up there for so long. I should have kept Christmas special for us.’
‘It was hard to celebrate,’ I told her. ‘I still find it hard.’
‘Then why don’t we change that today?’