Chapter 37
HOLLY
I opened my eyes and looked over at Paul sleeping beside me in his bed.
He was on his side facing me, asleep. One of his arms was draped over my stomach under the covers.
Last night replayed in my mind like an unforgettable slideshow.
It had been so passionate but somehow so romantic too, lying on his rug in front of the fire naked with skin slick, losing all track of time together.
Finally, exhausted, we’d slipped sleepily into bed together and fallen asleep.
Then I remembered Paul asking me to the tree lighting.
I hadn’t been able to say yes even though every fibre of me wanted to.
Paul had let me off the hook and he’d pretended it hadn’t happened but I knew I couldn’t forget it.
He had wanted us to show up there to tell the town we were together, and it was the closest he’d come to asking me about the future without actually doing it because he probably knew that would freak me out.
Even that simple question had freaked me out.
I felt like a coward. Paul deserved someone who wanted to show up with him, who wanted to be his girl and who didn’t care what other people thought about it.
Someone capable of staying put in one place and building a life with him.
With a stifled sigh so I didn’t wake him, I checked the time on his bedside clock.
I’d slept for hours peacefully, something that had been rare in the city but was something I was getting used to here.
My body felt contented and warm curled up by Paul.
We’d felt so connected by the fire last night.
The sex had been the best of my life by miles.
I’d felt wanted by him, and also so safe with him.
We were so close, there was no denying it.
But I had no idea what we were going to do now.
My phone started to vibrate where I’d left it on top of my jeans on the bedroom chair, shaking me out of my thoughts.
I slipped under Paul’s arm. He grunted but kept on sleeping.
I climbed out of his incredibly comfortable bed and padded over to look at my phone.
It was Karl from the newspaper so I tiptoed out into the living room to answer it, grabbing Paul’s dressing gown as I moved, pulling it over my naked body.
‘Hello,’ I said quietly as I wandered into the kitchen and switched on Paul’s coffee machine.
‘Hi, Holly. Thought we should catch up. Did you get anywhere with your old colleague?’
‘No,’ I replied with a defeated sigh. ‘I get it. She doesn’t want to do anything that might jeopardise her career,’ I told him worriedly.
‘Damn,’ he said heavily. ‘I’ve done some digging and I’ve spoken to people that suggest this behaviour isn’t new; he’s made passes at female colleagues in the past and a couple of them even ended up getting fired,’ Karl told me.
I tutted. ‘Oh my God.’
‘I know. And the company accounts aren’t at all healthy; I can see from the records I found online.
Part of him trying to bad-mouth your business might be because they can’t afford to lose any clients but I can’t get anyone to go on the record for an article or get any hard evidence of anything dodgy,’ Karl continued with an exasperated sigh.
‘I’m wondering if we’ve hit a dead end. We might have to leave it, I’m afraid. ’
My stomach dipped. ‘Let him get away with telling people I’ve stolen money? Isn’t that like libel or slander or something?’
‘I tried to arrange a call or meeting with him to discuss the email he sent about you but he’s refused. When I pressed to see if he had any evidence, he said it was just a rumour he’d heard – to cover himself.’
‘He started the rumour, though!’
‘Again – we can’t prove it or get anyone to confirm that,’ Karl said in a gentle tone.
‘I’m sorry, Holly. But the colleagues I spoke to confirmed that he’s a malicious man and I won’t be repeating anything he said about you.
I stand by my article that you and Willow have done an incredible job with Mistletoe Lane and the whole winter wonderland so don’t worry, there will be no article about anything Grant Rivers said. ’
‘I’m grateful for that. I just feel like he’s gotten away with it all.’
‘Someone might change their minds and want to speak to me again in the future,’ Karl suggested.
‘The two women who lost their jobs are scared he might want revenge on them like he’s been doing with you.
It’s all very understandable. Grant Rivers has set himself up to be a powerful man and powerful men are hard to stop, but they usually are stopped… in the end.’
I shook my head even though Karl couldn’t see me. It all seemed so unfair. ‘Thanks, Karl. I appreciate you believing me in all this.’ We said goodbye and I hung up to see Paul walk in wearing boxers and stretching in a way that made me feel even more flustered.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked.
‘Karl just called. It looks like Grant Rivers will get away with everything he’s been doing to me.
Willow may have given me a chance here but once I go back to the city, Grant won’t stop trying to ruin me.
’ I slumped against the kitchen counter.
‘I don’t know what to do. Maybe I need to just leave and start over somewhere new again.
Change my company name or something,’ I said, thinking out loud.
I felt lost and that was something I hadn’t felt since I’d first left Birchbrook.
I’d had a plan and had worked hard to be successful but Grant Rivers was ruining everything.
‘You mean run away again?’ Paul said, stopping on the other side of the room.
‘How can I fight someone like him? He’s already ruined Wynter Wishes before it even got going; no one will believe me over him. He’s won.’
‘Only if you let him,’ Paul replied. ‘Listen, Holly, if you run away again then you’ll be giving up everything you’ve worked for. You said that opening up to people and being honest with them, like you did with me and your mum, has helped you.’
‘I tried talking to Grant…’ I began, annoyed that he thought I hadn’t tried to fix this.
‘How?’
‘Well, I called him and asked if he’d heard that someone was saying bad things about me and my company, but he claimed to know nothing about it.
And when I mentioned that I hoped there had been no misunderstanding between us, he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about.
And he’s never admitted he made any sort of pass at me. ’ I shrugged helplessly.
Paul shook his head. ‘You need to confront him, not ask him. Let me come with you and we can do it together. Don’t leave everything you’ve worked so hard for behind.’
‘Why do you care so much?’ I snapped. ‘If I go back to the city, we can’t be together.
It’s too long-distance. We’d never see each other; it would be too hard!
So, I might as well move somewhere new!’ I cried, taking my frustration at the situation out on him.
‘You have no idea what it’s like to start something new or go somewhere new; you’ve only ever lived here! ’
He winced. ‘Don’t do that – don’t make me the bad guy. I’m trying to look out for you!’
‘I’m not yours!’ I cried. I pushed myself off the counter and stalked past him back into the bedroom where I grabbed my clothes and started to get dressed.
‘Because you won’t let yourself be,’ he said quietly, standing in the doorway behind me. ‘But I’m yours.’
I paused, my frustration floating away at his blunt honesty. I looked at him. ‘What?’ I asked shakily.
He shrugged like it was obvious. ‘I’m yours.
And I want to help. If you want to get your life back in the city, I’ll come with you and talk to Grant.
If you want to run again, I’ll book you a plane ticket.
But all I’m saying is there is a third option: be mine.
’ He lifted his arms up in the air helplessly.
‘Yeah, maybe it wouldn’t work long-distance but we could try. Or you could stay here with me.’
My heart was thumping in my chest now. ‘You’re crazy,’ I said, but I couldn’t deny that his words had sent a thrill through me. I carried on getting dressed in a trance, wondering what the hell I should do.
‘Maybe. But I just don’t want you to run away again and then regret it. Hols…’ He trailed off with a sigh like I was irritating him. I probably was. He was laying his cards on the table but my throat felt like it was closing up. ‘This is our home.’
‘No, Paul,’ I finally choked out. I pulled my coat on and grabbed my bag then hopped into my shoes.
I had a feeling my jumper was on inside out and I hadn’t done up my jeans properly but I knew if I stayed here, I’d jump back into his arms and that wasn’t going to help either of us.
‘I don’t belong anywhere,’ I said, hating how much those words hurt to say.
‘Bullshit,’ he said harshly. ‘You belong here with me. I’ll let you go, Holly. But you’ll spend your life running if you don’t start listening to that beautiful heart of yours. Don’t you want to be happy?’
‘What if I can’t be happy?’ I asked, the tears welling up now.
My pulse was racing. I looked at Paul and wished that I could tell him that the heart he thought was beautiful was his.
Had always been his. But what if he broke it like my dad had done to my mum, and to me?
How could I trust that we would work out?
That I wouldn’t get hurt? How could I let go of the fear that this man might be my soul mate and just let him be it?
‘I don’t know, Hols,’ he said, quieter now, his anger fizzling away. He looked hurt. I hated to see it, to be the cause of it. ‘It’s your life to live. But I wish you’d live it with me.’
God, that sentence sucker-punched me. I didn’t think I’d ever forget it for my whole life. How could I walk away from this, but also, how could I stay?
‘Paul, I need some time,’ I said, my voice breaking. The tears flowed down my cheeks now. I longed to let him hold me but I had to get out of here and think about what I wanted to do next. ‘I need to go back to the city and think about everything. Is that okay?’
He looked away. ‘I’ll see you, Holly.’
I took in a sharp breath. That’s what he’d said to me when I’d left ten years ago. He was saying it to me again.
I knew I’d break if I stayed any longer so I hurried past him.
He wouldn’t look at me. I left his flat, and went down the stairs, rushing through the café, fumbling the lock until I could get out into the cold morning.
I looked up in surprise as gentle snowflakes fell down, settling on my shoulders.
I could see Paul at the window of his apartment looking down at me. I wanted to go back to him but I knew I wasn’t the woman he needed right now. I had to decide what I wanted. It wasn’t fair to him otherwise.
And so I walked away, hating myself for it. I’d said it was time to stop running but was I doing it again?
The snowflakes had no answer but I walked through them towards Birch Tree Farm and I couldn’t help but hope that Paul would wait for me.