Chapter 41
HOLLY
Thinking about you.
Those three words that Paul sent me kept reverberating through my brain.
Three simple words but they meant a lot to me.
We had lost touch before, both too scared to be honest with one another, and now he was being open with me.
I knew how hard it was for him to do that.
I felt like shit for having walked away but until I could be just as open, it was the right thing to do.
I hadn’t known what to reply – I was on a mission to heal from the past – so I didn’t, but I hoped he knew how much he was on my mind while I was miles away from him.
I missed him more than I had ten years ago, and that was saying something.
‘How do you feel?’
I turned to Georgia, who was driving us out of the city in the opposite direction to Birchbrook. ‘A bit sick,’ I admitted. ‘Nervous. Scared. Wondering why I’m doing this…’ I trailed off and took a deep breath. ‘But I also know I need to do this to move forward.’
She nodded. ‘I remember when you first told me about your dad. We were up late-night drinking in our room at university confessing our deepest, darkest secrets and you said, “Sometimes, I wish I could tell my dad how I feel.” You’re going to do that finally. This is a good thing.’
‘Thank you for taking me,’ I said, looking out of the window. The city was behind us now and Birchbrook was even further away. My dad lived by the coast and now the road was framed by the sea sparkling under the crisp, winter sunshine.
When I’d come back to my apartment, there had been a Christmas card from my dad.
He sent one every year, and a birthday card, and for ten years, I hadn’t responded to any of them.
Each one came with a return address written on it.
I’d always ignored that too, but this year, I had put the address into Google Maps and here we were.
I was worried I wouldn’t be able to go through with this without moral support and Georgia had been happy to help.
She was close to her parents and never quite understood the complicated relationship I had with mine.
‘No way I was going to let you do this alone,’ Georgia said as she followed her satnav directions and turned off the road that ran alongside the beach into a winding one that took us high above the sea. ‘Did you tell your mum we are doing this?’
I shook my head. ‘I wanted to wait and talk to her afterwards. I wasn’t sure how she’d feel.
She always wanted me to communicate with my dad and it caused issues between us.
We’ve started to repair all that so I thought I’d wait to speak to her face to face.
’ My phone pinged with a text. ‘It’s Willow,’ I said as I read it with a frown.
‘Shit. The generator lighting up Mistletoe Lane failed this morning and there’s been a big snowfall. ’
I felt so far away from them. Willow followed up with another message to say Paul was finding them a battery they could use and it was all hands on deck to clear the snow so people could still get into the winter wonderland.
She said Paul was offering free hot chocolates to anyone who still came along.
‘Paul has apparently saved the day,’ I told Georgia, finding it hard not to smile when I said his name. ‘She says, “He’s a changed man, must be your doing.” I don’t see what I’ve done,’ I said, although her words made me smile even harder.
Georgia snorted. ‘How can you not see what you’ve done?
The man is changing for you. Take it from me, when a man is head over heels, he’ll do anything in his power to make life better for you.
He knows the effort you’ve put in at the farm and how much you need the winter wonderland to be a hit.
He’s trying to make that happen. Remember when The Husband brought me a desk and chair for his flat as I had back ache whenever I worked from his place? ’
‘Yeah, I remember. Lucas knew you were a keeper.’ My heart skipped a little to think that maybe Paul was working hard at Birch Tree Farm on my behalf. To make me happy.
Thinking about you.
Those three words helped to calm me further as Georgia turned a corner. Ahead was my father’s house. I wished I could tell Paul what I was about to do but I wanted to tell him in person like my mum. I really wanted them both to be proud of me. I also wanted to be proud of myself.
Georgia parked outside the low house that had a large glass frontage. It was so modern, it took me by surprise. The complete opposite to my mum’s cottage. ‘We’re here,’ she said as she turned to look at me. ‘Do you want me to come in with you?’
‘I think it’ll be enough of a shock for me to turn up; two of us might be too much.’ I took my seat belt off but I couldn’t move. ‘Should I have called him first?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said, considering that. Then she shook her head. ‘No, this is better. Face to face for your first conversation in so long. The phone would be too… small. Impersonal.’
‘Yeah, but maybe this is too big.’ I looked at the house again.
I could make out the sea behind it. It must have been an expensive buy so close to the beach, and being so sleek and modern.
A world away from quaint Birchbrook. Did my dad always want something like this instead of what he had with us?
I had to find out. ‘I need to do this.’ For too long, the ghost of my dad had held me back.
There was so much waiting for me in Birchbrook and I wanted it all.
If I had any hope of not running from it all again, this was it.
‘You’ve got this,’ Georgia said. ‘I know that’s a cliché, I’m sorry, but it’s true, okay? You are strong, Holly Wynter. You just handled the hell out of Grant Rivers; you can handle anything. I’m right out here if you need me.’
‘Thank you.’ Quickly, I grabbed her, pulling her in for a tight, swift hug. ‘You’re the best friend ever. That’s also a cliché but it’s true.’
‘Shut up,’ she said, pushing me off with a laugh. Then she sniffed. ‘You know I’m a blubberer; get out of here.’
I grinned. ‘You do cry at anything; it’s cute.
’ Then my grin faded. ‘I’ve got this,’ I said, hoping if I repeated Georgia’s words then they might be true.
I opened the car door and jumped out, ignoring the tugging feeling that swept over me, my body willing me to get back into the safety of Georgia’s car.
‘Good luck!’ she called as I shut the car door and walked up to the front door, the coastal December wind whipping my hair around me and misting up my glasses.
I could smell the salt from the sea and feel the dampness in the air from it as I reached out and rang the doorbell.
My stomach was still churning and I realised I was biting so hard on my bottom lip, I was about to make it bleed.
I stopped and tried to push my shoulders back and draw on the confidence I had when I’d spoken to Grant Rivers but instead, I felt like I’d lost fifteen years and I was a child all over again.
The door swung open, and there he was. He looked older, of course, and much slimmer and his hair had more streaks of grey in it along with his beard and there were more lines crinkling the edges of his eyes but they were still the exact colour of mine, and his tall frame that had given me mine almost touched the top of the door.
His mouth fell open as he took me in properly. ‘Holly?’ he said in a stunned half-whisper, gripping the door, his knuckles turning white on the frame.
‘Yeah, it’s me,’ I said with a firm nod. ‘Hi, uh, Dad,’ I said, the word sounding alien to my mouth.
‘Wow. I didn’t expect… I had no idea… oh, it’s freezing, come in! Come in!’ He stepped back, quickly, babbling and gesturing with his hand for me to follow him.
I glanced back at Georgia once for reassurance then I walked inside, wondering what I was going to find.