Chapter 42
HOLLY
I looked around as my dad closed the front door behind us. The house was equally modern inside with shiny wooden floors and bright-white walls, plus I could see the back had glass all across it too. Behind, the beach was only a few metres away.
‘Come through into the kitchen and we can have tea or coffee? It’s just me here, by the way…
’ Dad trailed off again and cleared his throat then nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets and walking off through the open-plan living area into a kitchen that had a big marbled-topped island.
He gestured for me to sit on one of the stools and asked if I wanted tea or coffee.
I asked for coffee and he went over to a fancy machine to make us both one.
I looked out at the seaside landscape in front of me.
It felt like a Wizard of Oz moment – I wasn’t in Kansas any more.
‘What a view,’ I said, breaking the silence.
‘Yes, in summer, I always keep those doors open; it’s incredible. A bit chilly now but I still try to go for a walk most days if I can,’ he replied.
Glancing around, I looked for any signs of his family life but there were no photos, only a couple of pictures of boats on the water.
‘Is it okay that I’m here? I know I should have probably called to let you know but honestly, I thought if I did, I might chicken out and the phone seemed so impersonal,’ I said, trying not to babble like he had but not sure if I’d managed it.
‘It’s fine,’ he replied, coming to join me, sitting on a stool and sliding my drink over to me.
He’d made us lattes that were almost barista standard.
‘You look… all grown-up,’ he said, eyeing me over his coffee cup as he took a gulp, wincing a bit at how hot it was.
‘Apart from your height and your eyes, you look just like your mother. Is that okay to say?’
I shrugged, unsure what was or wasn’t okay right now. ‘You look the same.’
‘A lot older, though; the last ten years were pretty ageing, I think.’ He tried to smile but it didn’t quite take hold. ‘Are you okay, though? Is your mother okay? There isn’t an emergency or something, is there?’
‘No, we’re okay. I guess I thought it was time.’
‘After ten years?’ he asked, not harshly but curiously.
‘I’ve been back in Birchbrook and it got me thinking about the past. There were things I didn’t tell Mum, things that I have been avoiding dealing with, I guess.
I feel like I ran away when I was eighteen and maybe I’m still running.
And I want to stop. It’s time to stop,’ I explained as best as I could.
Dad raised an eyebrow. ‘You went back to Birchbrook after ten years? I wonder if I’m still running from that place.’
‘Why?’ I asked, taking a sip of coffee. It was pretty good but not quite up to Birchbrook Café’s standards.
He shifted uncomfortably on his stool. ‘Maybe we shouldn’t dredge up the past. I want to hear about your life now. Your mum used to email me when you were younger but she hasn’t for years.’
‘She did?’ I hadn’t known that but I wasn’t surprised; she had never wanted me to cut my father out of my life like I had done.
‘The thing is, we need to talk about the past. I feel stuck, like I can’t move forward without talking about it.
Without asking you questions that I’ve had for years. ’ I looked at him. ‘Please, Dad.’
He exhaled loudly and nodded. ‘Sure. I know you must have things you want to ask or say. I just have had a lot of the same questions from my other kids and my second wife.’ He looked away then. I wasn’t sure if that was shame in his eyes or just weariness. ‘My second ex-wife, I should say.’
‘Ex-wife?’ I repeated. That explained the lack of family photos, why he was here in this big house alone.
‘Kids?’ That meant they’d had more than the baby we’d known about.
Maybe my mum knew but she hadn’t told me anything about my dad’s new life back when she had still been in contact with him. I hadn’t wanted to know.
‘Yeah – we have two. Alice is almost ten and Rory is seven. We got divorced two years ago now. The kids live with my ex-wife up north. I see them in the holidays. They’ll come by for Christmas.
My wife hated it here and our age difference didn’t help.
She didn’t want a quiet life by the sea; she likes to be with her big family and hated it when I went out on my boat all day.
She said she felt like I always searching for something I didn’t have.
’ He glanced out at the sea view. ‘Maybe she’s right. ’
‘You left us and your new family left you,’ I said, my voice quiet. I thought he’d gone after his happy ever after. That he’d found everything he hadn’t had with us, but that clearly wasn’t the case. ‘Why did you do it all, Dad?’
He kept his eyes on the coastline ahead, not looking at me.
‘At first, things were great. I liked the idea of a small town. Thought I’d get to know all the neighbours, be part of the community, raise a family.
And for a while, it was exactly like that.
It felt perfect with you and your mum for a few years.
But then I began to feel restless. Nothing ever changed in Birchbrook.
Everything was the same, day after day. I wanted more, I guess.
But your mother didn’t.’ He sighed. ‘She loved it there, was happy there, and with me and you. She said we had everything we had dreamed of.’ Finally, he looked at me.
‘And we did. I wanted us to move there. We got the dream. But it just wasn’t enough. ’
‘So, you wanted more?’ I asked, wondering how getting everything you wanted was a bad thing. I could understand being scared to lose the dream but my dad had walked away from it instead.
‘Yes. I don’t know. Or something different. That’s when Nicola came along. She gave me things I didn’t have: excitement, the thrill of the chase, sneaking around, passion, fun…’ He shook his head. ‘I was flattered by her attention. I enjoyed the secret of it all. It was something different.’
‘Different?!’ I cried angrily. ‘You had a wife and a child who both loved and depended on you!’
‘I know. I didn’t want to leave you both. But then Nicola told me she was pregnant. And there was my escape clause.’
‘Escape clause?’ I repeated, the words cutting me like a knife.
‘It was a reason for me to leave. And I didn’t want to be on my own.
Nicola was good company. I could start somewhere new.
Have the adventure I’d been restless for.
I felt bad for leaving you both, of course I did.
But you were practically grown-up, Holly.
You didn’t need me any more. And your mum was happy in Birchbrook. I knew you’d both be okay.’
‘Did you?’ I snapped. ‘Did you have any idea that Mum was devastated when you left? Or how I was bullied at school for you running off with my teacher, who was so much younger? The whole town was talking about it! Or how about the fact that I blamed myself for you leaving?’
‘Why did you do that?’ he asked, looking surprised.
‘I thought I must have done something wrong! That I wasn’t good enough of a daughter!
That this was my punishment. I blamed Mum too.
Thought if she’d been better, you would have stayed.
It felt like she’d forced you to go. I was horrible to her.
’ Hot tears burned at the back of my eyes as I remembered being a furious teenager taking it all out on my mum.
‘It wasn’t anything to do with either of you,’ he said.
‘I had to get away. Nicola was my reason to go. But I didn’t really love her, and she soon realised she didn’t really love me.
It had been fun but now we had a baby and a new place to settle in.
Her parents bought us this house. They have money.
She always thought that had been part of the reason I’d proposed to her.
But I did that because of the baby. We tried to make it work here but she was unhappy and I guess I realised maybe Birchbrook hadn’t been the problem after all.
’ He leaned back on the stool. ‘In the end, she found out I was seeing someone in the village and walked out of here for good. Her parents let me keep this house in return for Nicola having the kids and for me not asking for any more money. I kept it for this view.’
I stared at him. I had blamed myself and my mum for years.
But he’d done to his second wife exactly what he had done to my mum.
He’d let his kids leave him like he had left me.
He hadn’t wanted either of his families in the end.
He was clearly a man that would never be content or satisfied with what he had.
‘I thought I was like you,’ I whispered then.
I’d run away like he had and had beaten myself up for it for ten years.
But I left for completely different reasons.
I left because I was reminded of him and our previously happy family life everywhere, and because I was scared that I would one day resent Birchbrook and everyone in it like he had.
But he’d just admitted it wasn’t the town’s fault after all. It was just whatever was inside of him.
I’d left because I was scared that if I stayed, Paul would leave me, or I’d hurt Paul the same way my dad had hurt my mum.
‘Did you ever love Mum?’ I asked. He’d admitted Nicola had been his escape clause, that he had never really fallen for her.
‘I don’t think so. Maybe it’s not in my nature to fall in love like they talk about in books or movies or songs.
’ He shrugged. ‘We had good times. And I had fun being your dad. I liked making you laugh. And it’s nice when Alice and Rory come to stay.
But day-after-day parenting is hard work and it’s exhausting.
I feel more like myself when I’m here alone.
Maybe family life just never fulfilled me like it does some people. ’
‘So, you only really love yourself,’ I said harshly but it felt fair after what he was telling me.
He reached out for my hand but I pulled it away. ‘I know I fucked up, Holly. I was a bad husband and a bad father. Twice over. I think I am better off by myself. I think maybe that was the kindest thing I did for you and your mother – to leave you alone so you could be happy without me.’
‘Kindest thing? It was selfish. You are selfish.’ I scooted down from the stool, realising I didn’t want to stay here and listen to his pathetic justifications for ruining two families when I could be with people I genuinely loved and who genuinely loved me back.
‘But you’ve helped me see that I’m not like you.
Leaving Birchbrook ten years ago killed me.
And being back there has healed the broken part of me I’ve been trying to ignore ever since I walked away.
I thought I didn’t deserve a family life.
I was scared to open my heart in case I was left again like you left me.
I don’t feel like that now. I deserve to love and be loved, and I won’t let what you did hurt me any more or stop me from having the future I want to have. ’
‘It was nice to see you,’ he said lamely, after my impassioned speech. ‘If you ever fancy another coffee again, you know where I am.’
‘I do,’ I replied, sure that was unlikely to happen. I took one last look at him and his house then I walked out.
I took a deep breath when I hit the outside air.
The salty breeze just reminded me how far away I was from Birchbrook and how keen I was to go back.
The feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.
Had I let go of the past? It would always be there, it had shaped me into who I was, but I let it drift out to sea.
I turned and walked over to Georgia’s car, vowing to myself that the past would no longer hold me back.