CHAPTER THIRTEEN
L uke couldn’t decide on whether he needed a doctor or a smack in the face.
A smack would be cheaper.
Last night, in the middle of Casalingo, he felt it. Something he’d never felt before, yet he knew exactly what it was. And it was something that definitely wasn’t going away anytime soon. Even if Bella was.
Just the thought of how he was going to feel when she walked away had him shaking his head as he locked his car and started toward the apartment complex.
Goddamn.
He wasn’t equipped for this. Opening up to someone had clearly dislodged something in his brain. Broken it. Broken him.
As if I wasn’t already fucked up enough.
He didn’t have time to dwell on that now though. One shitshow at a time. Today’s trauma took precedent.
Using his spare key, he decided not to buzz up and went straight inside the building. Climbing the stairs two at a time until he reached the second floor.
After ringing the bell, he chuckled to himself as he heard feminine curses getting louder and louder through the wood. Before long, he was treated to the sight of a dishevelled-looking Rachel.
“Luke! What are you doing here?”
“Bad time?” His lips quirked.
Not phased in the slightest, Rachel tucked a strand of long red hair behind her ear as a warm smile spread across her face. “Nah, not for you, sugar. Come on in.”
The door widened and he stepped through, following Rachel into the living room. His eyes scanned the surroundings as he took a seat on the L-shaped gray couch. Hunter’s previously muted décor had been replaced with diamanté-covered frames, a huge pink statement wall behind the flatscreen, and his once-empty shelves were teaming with new useless knickknacks.
“Jesus Christ, woman, what the hell have you done to this place?”
Rachel beamed his way as she bounced down next to him. “Did you come here just to critique my decorating skills, or was there an actual reason?”
That’s one of the things he liked about Rachel. He could tease her like one of the guys and she couldn’t care less. It made it easier to be himself around her. Maybe that’s why they’d gotten so close over the past few months. That and Hunter getting shot, of course.
“Actually, I came here for some advice.”
“If it’s about Bella, I love her, and yes, you should ask her to marry you and have lots of babies.”
Not even throwing her his dirtiest look was enough to do that ridiculous statement justice. He threw it anyway.
“Fucking hell, woman.” His hand went through his mop of hair as he continued to shake his head. “No. Just no. It’s not about Bella, it’s about my dad, okay.”
Not hiding her surprise, Rachel twisted on the sofa, giving him her full attention. “Okay?”
“Your dad didn’t want you, right?”
“Gee, Luke, you seriously need to work on your people skills.” When he didn’t reply, she carried on, “Actually, it was my mom who didn’t want me. My dad was just shit.”
He nodded, his gaze dropping to his lap momentarily before he met Rachel’s curious blue eyes again as she studied him.
“My dad didn’t want me,” he croaked. “All my life, I just assumed it was ’cause I was a mistake. That he was never really with my mom, and he didn’t wanna step up after he got her pregnant.” He went silent as Rachel shifted closer, understanding clear on her face. Pushing through the brand-new crack in his voice, he continued, “But then Bella turns up with this letter from Marco. A man I thought was my half brother. Another kid my dad didn’t wanna take responsibility for. And now I don’t know what to think.”
“What did it say? The letter, I mean.”
“A whole hell of a lot. The most fucked up thing being that Marco wasn’t my half brother after all ... his mom was actually my mom, which makes him my full brother, I guess.”
“What?” Rachel gasped. “How? Why didn’t anyone tell you? What does that mean?”
“Exactly.” Luke slumped back into the cushions. “How the fuck did I not know that? And what am I supposed to do with that information now? It’s too late. He’s gone. It’s not like we’re gonna be able to bond. And it brings up a whole host of other shit and guilt and unanswered questions.”
“Like?”
He could feel Rachel’s eyes on him, but his gaze was ahead. Not wavering from the flatscreen.
“Like ... I feel guilty for not trying earlier. He came to see me when I was a kid, and I brushed him off. Thinking he was just one of many half-siblings my dad had abandoned. And then there’s the fact that my mom was with my dad. Like in an actual relationship. That’s pretty damn hard to swallow. It means not only did he leave me, but he left her too.”
“Wait ... if Marco was older than you, why didn’t you grow up together until your mom ...?”
“Died?” He finished the sentence for her. “He said in the letter social services removed him. Took away their custody.” His mom was an addict, so Luke assumed that was why Marco had been taken away. Which made sense. What didn’t make sense was why they hadn’t taken him too. Before she’d overdosed.
Rachel let out a few choice curse words next to him before slumping back into the cushions, mirroring his position and staring ahead at the blank screen. They were both quiet after that. It was a good few minutes before his friend finally broke the silence.
“When Marco came to see you, when you were a kid, what happened?”
Luke’s eyes squeezed shut. He could still see the look on his brother’s face. The disappointment.
“The first time, I didn’t exactly give him a warm welcome. And the second time ...” Luke let out a heavy breath. “The second time ... he turned up at the group home and caught me doing something I shouldn’t have been doing.”
“What does that mean?” He didn’t need to see to know that Rachel’s eyes were boring into him.
“It means I was an angry fifteen-year-old, sick of living in group homes, and I wanted out. And I stupidly thought stealing from the cash box and jacking the manager’s car would be enough to set me up.”
He was an idiot. It was the dumbest thing he’d ever done. Something he still regretted to this very day.
“So ... not a great first impression, huh?”
He could hear the amusement in Rachel’s voice. It was enough for him to open his eyes and turn his head toward her. Yes. He was right. Big ass smile.
“You think that’s funny, huh?”
“I mean, it’s a little funny. You obviously think that makes you the worst person in the world or you wouldn’t be acting so dramatic.”
“Rach, I could have gone to jail ... gotten a record. It could have stopped me from becoming a firefighter.” How was she not getting this?
Her whole body twisted until the side of her cheek was pressed up against the gray cotton cushion. “You were just a kid. Besides, I take it your brother stopped you. Talked some sense into you?”
“Yeah. He did. ’Cause I’m the screw-up and he’s the literal award winner in this fucked-up family.” His hand ran over the top of his shaking head. “I couldn’t even be nice to him. He wanted to help me. Know me. But I told him to leave. Told him I wanted nothing to do with him.”
That feeling in his stomach that had been there ever since he’d read Marco’s letter was bubbling again. Enough to cause acid to rise up until the taste of guilt bathed his tongue. What would have happened if he hadn’t chased his brother away that day? How would his life have turned out? He would have had a family. A brother. Someone to spend holidays with. Someone to rely on. Someone to call when things went bad.
I wouldn’t be alone.
“Stop!” Rachel cried, snapping him out of his melancholic musings. “You need to stop, sugar. You’re beating yourself up over something that happened twenty years ago.”
“I was an asshole.”
“So what’s new?” Rachel’s hand went to his arm, tugging until she’d managed to twist his body to face her. “Seriously, Luke, you were fifteen . Cut yourself some slack. Besides, what was stopping Marco from trying again anyway? He knew where you were, clearly. And he never forgot you ... otherwise he wouldn’t have written that crazy letter. Stop putting all this on you.”
“I should have reached out. I should have given a shit.”
“Yeah, and I shoulda bought that winning lottery ticket last week too,” Rachel mocked. “Sugar, the past is the past. If you’re living in it, then you’re doing something wrong. You came here for advice, right?”
Luke grunted.
“Well, my advice is to snap out of it.” She had got to be kidding. He gave her a look that conveyed as much too. Which she ignored. “You’re not the only one who would love to go back and change something they did in the past, and you won’t be the last. But seeing as that’s not gonna happen, you need to work with what you’ve got now. You may not have had a chance to get to know your brother when he was alive, but you’ve been given a rare chance to get to know him now. Through Bella. Don’t waste that. Don’t let this opportunity be another one you’ll regret not taking.”
It killed him to admit it, but Rachel was right. He couldn’t change the past. He had no other choice but to live with it. That and his new stomachache.
Another grunt and Rachel was pulling him into a hug. Rachel hugging him wasn’t new. The lack of awkwardness, though, was. He actually didn’t mind it.
That’s a first.
Was it though? It was no coincidence that he’d spent the past couple of weeks curled up with Bella. Maybe all that physical contact had done something to him. Another part of him was broken.
Or fixed.
“Okay.” He sighed as he pulled back from her embrace. “I’m ready to talk about Bella now.”
“Yeah?” Rachel grinned.
“Yeah.”
Here goes nothing.
***
“H ey?” Bella’s head left his chest, and he got his first look at the concern in her eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah, angel, I’m good.”
“You sure? You went pretty quiet.” Bella tipped her head to the side until messy blonde hair brushed her cheek.
“I was just thinking about Marco. Do you think ...?” Luke paused, giving him a chance to swallow down any hesitancy he had. “Do you think we could watch some of his documentaries together?”
He was rewarded with that big beautiful smile he’d grown accustomed to. “Of course. I have them all on my laptop. We can hook it up to your TV and watch them whenever you want.”
“Wanna watch one now?”
Bella jumped up from the couch and was out of his arms before he had a chance to blink. He already knew where she was headed. The kitchen. He’d seen her laptop in there earlier. She’d taken to working in there most days.
Despite her initial protests, she had very much moved in with him. The cabin at the Evans ranch was officially empty. But neither of them had mentioned it out loud. Luke was too afraid to, just in case she changed her mind and decided to pack up her stuff.
He liked having her stuff there. Damnit, he liked having her there.
“Do you have a preference of which one we watch?” Bella collapsed down next to him, laptop wide open and being pushed in his face. “Here. You can choose from the list.”
Luke’s eyes ran down a long list of titles. Each one darker than the next. A shiver went down his spine as he connected the dots and realized his brother wasn’t the only one to go to all of these places. Dangerous places. Bella had too.
“Uh, what about this one?” He pointed. “ Hamburg Hunter .”
Europe is relatively safe, right?
Bella flashed him a smirk before jumping back up and making her way over to the television. After hooking up the laptop and pressing play, she was back in his arms just a moment later. Snuggled against his chest as he breathed in berries.
Just ten minutes in, his education began. Turns out Europe wasn’t that safe after all. And the “Hamburg hunter” was in fact not a hunting enthusiast as the title implied.
Jesus Christ.