48. Caelia
I findit incredibly difficult to accept that Mattia and Kazimir are different people. Kaz. He claims his name is Kaz, but he wears the face of my abuser, my worst nightmare. He fell asleep in the chair, his head tilted to the side, his chin resting on his fingers. Not the same hand that struck me countless times.
I keep telling myself that I don’t know this man, but I will have to stop lying to myself one day. Now, I’m grateful that he’s asleep. My heart rate spikes and the machine goes wild. I disconnect all the wires attached to my body, feeling betrayed, and attempt to stand on the edge of the bed. Kaz clarified that even though he saved me from Mattia, I am not free. He has no reason to be here. We kissed. We slept together. It meant nothing.
Liar.
I rub my face, trying to come up with a plan. I didn’t expect to come this far, so my brain went into standby mode, waiting for the inevitable end. My knees buckle as I try to stand, but I hold on to the edge of the bed, forcing myself to straighten up.
“Are you going somewhere, solnyshko?” he asks.
I grit my teeth, too stubborn to ask what the word means. Kaz seems quite fond of using it. He is by my side before I can gather my thoughts, his arm resting on my waist.
“Don’t touch me.” I want to scream, but it comes out as a whimper.
We stare at each other in silence before he steps back, his palms raised at chest level. He isn’t all that different from Mattia. He can’t be. Kaz lost control and revealed his true colors that day when I refused to speak to him, the day I told him I wished we could go back to how things used to be. He didn’t have to assault me that day. But he could, so he did. I thought he was my husband, and now I find out he is another man who made the same choices when he could have done something differently. I don’t know what”s real and what isn’t. I don’t know how I feel or what I want. He should have let me die in that warehouse. He should have aimed lower.
He should have aimed for my heart.
“Do you need anything?”
I need him to leave me alone. I need him to tell me that this is a nightmare and that it will be over soon. I shake my head, not bothering to reply.
“Where is Mattia?” I ask, needing to know if a more significant danger awaits me beyond these doors.
“He won’t come after you. He can’t.”
“What are you going to do to him?”
“I’m going to torture him until he begs for mercy. Until he begs me to kill him.” I know I should be terrified, but I feel nothing. “Does that bother you?”
“No, it doesn’t. He needs to die.”
If Kaz allows him to live, he won’t only come after me. He will also come after Kaz. I should feel remorse for saying those words, but I don’t. Mattia must die, and I don’t care who kills him. Not anymore. I failed, so it’s time for someone else to try.
“How would you like him to die?”
“What?”
My hands shake uncontrollably, and my mind is spinning.
“How would you like him to die?”
“I wish there was another way.”
“But there isn’t. So, how is it going to be?”
“His death won’t change anything that happened. It will only be more bloodshed, but what’s done is done.”
“I’m already at war. Bloodshed is inevitable.”
He is. He started a war when he kidnapped Mattia, even before he killed Ermanno. There’s no turning back.
“This is why you should consider returning home as soon as possible.” I make one last futile attempt to persuade him.
I see him contemplating, standing closer to me. I hold my breath, waiting. But he returns to the chair instead.
“I will return home, but you’re coming with me. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind.”
There’s still a spark of anger inside me, and he lights it up.
“So, I’m coming back with you as what? Your slave? Your whore?”
He utters a string of Russian words that I don’t understand. It’s a rough, unfamiliar language, but it sounds strangely beautiful coming from him. I raise an eyebrow, waiting for him to calm down. His jaw twitches, and his knuckles turn white.
“Would you mind repeating that in English?”
“I’d rather not, no.”
I wrap my hands around my body, rubbing my arms. I hiss, drawing Kaz’s attention to me. It hurts like hell.
“You’re the most stubborn woman I have ever met, Caelia. I’ll give you that. It used to amuse me, but it’s no longer funny. You’re hurt. You’re in pain,” he states, standing up. His tall, lean figure overwhelms me. “You need to stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
”Like, I’m going to hurt you.”
“Excuse me for not being able to read your mind.”
“You don’t have to read my mind. You’ve spent months with me.”
“And I’ve seen what happens when you lose your patience.”
My words aren’t fair to him, but neither is what he demands of me. I thought I was done. There was no fight left in me. But he has a way of bringing out the worst in me.
Blood drains from his face.
“Since you mentioned it, can we talk about that?”
“I’d rather not. I don’t want to talk about it. About any of it.”
It’s more of a reminder that just because he’s not Mattia doesn’t mean he’s that different. He takes slow steps toward the door, his hands in his pockets. His suit is creased from sleeping in it. I observe him as he glances back at me. There are dark circles under his gray eyes, and there is no sign of color on his face. He rubs his eyes and turns away.
The silence in the room becomes suffocating. He doesn’t storm out as I expected. He doesn’t yell or throw anything my way.
“Caelia?”
I try to swallow the lump in my throat. “Yes?”
“You’ll come with me, willingly or not. You’d better make peace with this because there’s no way out. Don’t force me to harm your sister to convince you.”
I found a way out once, and I will do it again. Or at least, I would have if what happened next mattered to me. But it doesn’t. I love my sister, and he knows she’s my only vulnerability. I would do anything to protect her.