68. Caelia
I don’t thinkKaz’s family likes me very much. Apart from Kat, who speaks English, and Vanya, the others either ogle at me or ignore me completely. His grandfather seems to dislike me more than the rest. He scoffs at me every time I say something, giving me angry looks at every opportunity. His stepmother, Anya, appears kind enough, smiling and exchanging compassionate looks occasionally. His aunt seems uncertain of her place here after everything her husband did. Kat is no longer in the good mood she was in this morning. Kaz left the room a few minutes ago to take a call, leaving me to face all this alone.
I cringe when Vanya leans over. I had forgotten he was even here.
“You look like you’re about to cry,” he whispers.
I swallow, clenching my fists.
“Wouldn’t you like that?” I bite back.
“I don’t deal well with tears,” he smirks. “Don’t let him smell your fear, Caelia. He’ll feed on it like a wolf on its prey.”
“Easy for you to say. He’s not looking at you like he wants to kill you.”
“Oh, don’t think the thought didn’t cross his mind.”
If he’s trying to comfort me, he’s failing miserably. Maybe he was trying to prepare me for this in our previous interactions.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You’re a foreigner,” he continues. “He’ll never fully accept you but may come to respect you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you want to be the scared little Italian girl he thinks you are?”
“Of course not. But I still don’t see your point.”
“Stop avoiding his gaze. Stop looking like you’re about to break down any second. I know you’re stronger than this. But do you?”
I don’t even know why I care if these people like me. I’ll be gone in a couple of months, and then Kaz will marry someone more to their liking. It’s funny how the thought of him with someone else turns my stomach upside down. I imagine him with another woman, touching her with his long, tattooed fingers, kissing her like she’s the air he breathes, and doing everything to keep her safe. His voice echoes in my head, promising her an end to the nightmares and vowing to guard her heart with his life. I hate how my heart has become a grave. Mattia shattered me into a thousand pieces, and I’m trying to pick them up and put myself back together, but it’s not working the way I thought it would. I can’t wait for time to heal my wounds. I don’t have that much time left. It’s also exhausting to keep fighting against what I feel for Kaz. My only fear is that I will not turn back once I allow myself to feel.
I adjust myself in the chair, sitting as straight as I can. I stop fidgeting with my hands under the table, convinced his grandfather will notice. He’ll probably laugh later at Kaz’s weak wife. I’m usually good at not caring about what the men in my life think of me. My father treated me like I was invisible for most of my life. My husband abused me, kidnapped me, and raped me. I shouldn’t be intimidated by him, but I am.
Kaz returns to the dining room a few minutes later. I can’t bring myself to eat, so I stop playing with the food on my plate. He sits back in his chair, touching my hand as he says something to Vanya. I intertwine my fingers with his, wondering if he’s aware of the small gestures he makes. His grandfather makes a comment that makes him tense. Kaz raises his voice in response. Everyone falls silent, and then his grandfather stands, slamming his fist on the table.
“Is this about me?” I asked Vanya.
“Yes,” he replies.
Kat intervenes, chattering in Russian, so I can’t understand anything. Words are exchanged back and forth. Anya and Vanya’s mother also joined in, making me feel exactly what I am—an outsider.
“I should leave,” I try to stand up, but Kaz refuses to let go of my hand.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve felt this uncomfortable. I don’t want to be the reason for their argument. They’re speaking too fast for me to catch anything. The air is thick with tension, making it hard to breathe.
“Kaz,” I whisper his name. “I can leave. Don’t argue with your family over this.” I try to reason with him.
Kaz lets go of my hand, standing up. He places his palms on the table, leaning forward. Taking a deep breath, he says something else. His grandfather storms off, muttering furiously. Vanya’s mother looks like she wants to do the same but doesn’t dare. Unfortunately, I’m not the only one who notices. Kaz speaks again, this time more calmly. It takes less than ten seconds for everyone to stand up and leave the room, leaving me alone with his anger. He sits down at the now-empty table, taking a sip of whiskey and inhaling sharply.
“What did you say to them?” I ask my voice barely a whisper.
“To leave and not come to my door until they all learn to respect my wife.”
I don’t know what to say about this.
“You shouldn’t have, Kaz.”
“Why the hell not? Do you think I’m going to allow these people to come into my house, sit at my table, and disrespect my wife?”
I don’t know what he would or wouldn’t do since I’m still learning new things about him daily. I understand that no one has ever protected me as fiercely as he does. It messes with my head and heart, but I won’t be his wife for too long.
“They’re your family,” I try to remind him.
“They may be my blood, but you’re my wife. You’re my family now.”
I could pretend that this is fine with me and that I’m used to being treated like this, but I doubt it would improve things. I should remind him that I’ll be gone in a couple of months, and it’s not worth the trouble, but it would be like adding gasoline to the fire.
He’s giving everything to make this marriage work. I don’t think he’s pretending anymore. He may have pretended while playing the role of Mattia, but he’s not doing it now. And I’ve given him more of myself for less than this before. I can risk lowering my guard. My freedom doesn’t seem so important tonight. I don’t feel trapped beside him, so I’m losing sight of what matters.
I stand up, squeezing myself into the space between his chair and the table. I sit on his lap, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
“Thank you,” I say.
I lean my head on his chest, and Kaz wraps an arm around my waist, taking a deep breath.
“I’m sorry for how they treated you,” he murmurs.
“I didn’t understand a word they said, Kaz.” I laugh softly.
“You didn’t need to. But I understood every single one. They will not set foot in this house again until they learn to treat you right.”
“Do I mean that much to you that you’re willing to lose your family over me?”
“Ты значишь все для меня, жизнь моя.”
“Not again,” I say. “I’m slow at this.”
“You mean everything to me, my life.”
I’m overwhelmed by a strange mix of emotions as Kaz mutters those two words—confusion, fear, and an unfamiliar warmth. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that the connection between us wasn’t real, even though I know I’m falling for him more and more every second. It seems like I’m already there. I want to run away and pretend the last few months didn’t happen. It wouldn’t have been better if we had never met. I might still be trapped in the nightmare with Mattia. I can’t ignore the warmth in my chest—something that has always been absent in my life.
“When you say things like that, you make me wonder.” I swallow, unable to gather coherent thoughts.
“Wonder what?”
All his walls are down right now. There’s so much vulnerability in his eyes that it scares me. I haven’t forgotten a single thing he said to me last night. I couldn’t think of anything else the entire day, but I feared what would happen if I allowed myself to fall further. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the pain of a broken heart if things don’t work out. Things are moving too fast, and Kaz seems to be ready to leap. I’m unsure if I trust him enough to do that.
“These past two months have gone by too quickly,” I say, taking a deep breath. “And apart from the fact that your family will never fully accept me, life isn’t that bad.” I smile. “We said we needed to make it believable, but I wonder where the line between fact and fiction is.”
I wonder how much we’re pretending and how much of this is real.
“I’m not pretending, Caelia. I’ve promised no more secrets, so I won’t lie, even if this is not what you want to hear. I’ve asked you to give this marriage a real chance because I knew I would give it my all. I’ve been obsessed with you even before I met you.”
He’s showing me a side of him I’ve seen glimpses of him in the penthouse and at the hospital when he protected me. I know it’s a part of who he is. I’m not deluding myself into thinking that’s not him.
“We agreed on six months,” I remind him.
“We should have agreed on ten fucking years. Maybe that would have been enough time for you to—” He cuts himself off, touching my cheek. I lean into his touch, finding comfort in it.
“Enough time for me to do what?” He’s not comfortable talking about his feelings. Neither am I, but we can’t afford any more miscommunication. “I know this is hard,” I assure him. “It’s hard for me as well. Life wasn’t supposed to make sense again so quickly. I thought he broke me, Kaz. After everything, I wanted to die. And now we’re here, and things are moving so fast, and I ... you’re fighting with your family because of me. You’re saying all these things to me that make no sense.”
I have to decide whether to take a leap of faith or continue to avoid my feelings.
“I’ll spell it out for you, zhizn moya. Я влюбился в тебя.” I don’t need to know his language to understand his words. He’s looking at me like his life makes no sense without me, and I know. I feel the same thing. “I fell in love with you,” he translates anyway. “I’ve been falling for a while.”
I’m hanging by a thread. My brain insists on denying my feelings further. I’m in limbo. I realized that he had proposed this agreement because he was determined to have me back with him. Despite his threats, he didn’t want to keep me in a cage just because he wanted me. It was all a ruse that I failed to see.
“I am not who you want to spend the rest of your life with, Kaz. I’ve always been broken, and it’s not your duty to fix me. I have too much baggage I might never leave in my past,” I say, my voice filled with doubt. He goes tense, his eyebrows furrowing. “I’m not the person you want as the mother of your children. I’m not the one you want as your other half.”
“You don’t get to decide for me.” He smiles, caressing my cheek.
“I know I don’t. I was trying to state the obvious.”
“No, you’re not stating the obvious. You’re trying to convince yourself that this will never work between us. You’re not suitable for this life. You’re not enough. And you’re right. You’re too much for this. For me. You’re trying to convince yourself I’m unsure what I want, so you won’t allow yourself to feel anything for me.”
He’s not angry, which makes things a thousand times worse. He’s right. I also don’t know how to deal with a person who wants to communicate, who wants to clear up confusion, and who wants to confront painful truths.
“It’s a choice, Caelia. You’ll always have me, so if you decide you don’t want me, I will still be there for you for the rest of my life. You’ll call, and I’ll come to you, no matter where I am.” He licks his lips. “I want you as my wife and mother of my children, but I won’t force you into this.” I watch his Adam’s apple bob. “New York will never be safe for you again, and there’s no other place in the world safer for you than by my side, but you either want me or you don’t. And I don’t want an answer now. You still have four months to decide.”
My heart feels like it’s going to explode. My chest hurts.
“You just decided to dump all this on me, right?”
Tears well up in my eyes, and I can’t hold them back any longer. Trying to avoid his gaze, I bury my face in his chest and break down in tears. I’ve learned to live without love. I’ve made it this far. And now Kaz is offering me everything on a silver platter. He rubs my back, holding me in his arms as I let all my emotions pour out. He’s there for me, comforting me, even in my weakest moments.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble between sobs.
“It’s all right, zhizn moya,” he murmurs, his voice tender. “Sometimes, you need to break down entirely before rebuilding yourself.”
This is what I do.
I completely break down in his arms.