79. Kaz
“Here.”Vanya hands me another glass of whiskey. I’ve lost track of how many he’s given me. He does not revel in my misery as I had expected. He refrains from saying I told you so—at least not yet.
My mind is spinning out of control. Fuck, I hope it hurts her. I hope her heart breaks into pieces. I hope she crumbles at the mere thought of me, even if she never speaks my name aloud. Vanya has been silent on the couch beside me for the past three hours. I don’t even know why the hell I called him. Perhaps I was afraid of what I might do if left alone, like rush back home and chain Caelia to me to prevent her from leaving.
She has made up her mind. She is leaving me.
Nothing makes fucking sense anymore.
I gave her everything. I didn’t fake a single second of it. I told her all my truths at the risk of scaring her away. I told her everything. I tried to do everything right. And she still decided to leave me in the end, burying me six feet under. I don’t even know how I’m feeling. Alcohol is clouding my judgment; the club is spinning. Or that might be just the pool dancer. It’s hard to say. All I see and think about is her—my wife, the woman to whom I would give every drop of my blood. I cannot erase the memory of her tears. Her lies, which perhaps were never lies.
“It’s not over yet, Kaz. Dmitri said she hasn’t left yet.”
“She will.” I laugh bitterly. “She fucking will. Because if there’s one thing she’s good at, it’s stabbing me and running away.”
However, this time, she didn’t stab me. She didn’t even try. So maybe she doesn’t hate me as much as I believe.
“Just go back. Talk to her. Ask her to stay,” Vanya suggests.
Vanya confuses the hell out of me. I still can’t figure out his thoughts about her, and he will not spell it out for me. He’s never been kind to her. I deluded myself into thinking she’d change her mind and want to stay with me. I can’t figure out how I messed everything up.
“She had enough time to figure out what she wanted. I gave her a glimpse of what her life could be like, and she decided it was not good enough. What else do you want me to do? Crawl? Fall on my knees?”
If I thought it would make her stay, I would do it. I’m that fucking desperate.
“Just tell me what you need.”
“I need her. That’s all I need. Nothing else. Not anyone else.”
I finish my whiskey in one sip, throwing the glass into the wall on my right side. I lean back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. There are too many spinning red lights.
“You were right.” I sigh. “This was a fucking stupid plan.” I laugh, spiraling out of control. “The worst plan ever.”
I feel like I’m underwater, and I can barely breathe. I have been drowning in her since the beginning, and now I can’t remember how to swim back to the surface. My mind replays all the moments we shared—the vulnerable ones, where she revealed her true self, luring me into believing I might be enough for her. Mattia is no longer an excuse. He is gone, and this has nothing to do with him. She set my heart ablaze and now refuses to stay and watch it burn. I’ve wanted no one the way I want her. It takes all my willpower not to go back and chain her. I’m holding back just because I promised to set her free when the time runs out.
And time has run out.
“I hope you never fall in love, cousin. It’s the worst feeling in the world.”
“Thanks for the warning, Kaz. I’m not a lover.”
What is he talking about? I can’t remember a word I said to him a second ago. I should stop drinking and start thinking of a plan. Not that I’ve been very successful so far. I failed her somewhere. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.
“You didn’t fail her. You saved her life, killed her abusive husband, fucking married her, and made her a part of everything, Kaz. You gave her what no woman in the Mordvinov family history ever had. She’s the one failing you.”
Caelia never wanted what no woman in Mordvinov’s family history ever had. All she wanted was her freedom.
So I have to give her that.
Even if it cripples me.