Chapter Nineteen
Nineteen
M erle’s hands were sweating and as they approached the restaurant. He was tempted to just leave. There was no reason to do this.
“Stop.”
“What?” he asked, glancing down at Liberty. The noise of the other diners inside the restaurant, their muted conversations a sea of sound in front of them, didn’t make this any easier. It was a busy day which wasn’t helping either. There were too many people. Sweat dripped down his back.
“I can literally feel you overthinking this. Or trying to come up with a strategy. Whatever happens isn’t going to play out the way you think it will.”
“You don’t know my parents.”
“I know you,” she said, a playful glint in her eyes. He felt a rush of electricity as she discreetly gave his ass a squeeze for emphasis.
As the words left her mouth, he couldn’t help smiling. Liberty made him feel like he didn’t have to be ripped or conventional to turn her on. There was something to be said for feeling like he was enough for her. He held her hand and they walked into the sports bar—Coach always wanted to keep up on whatever game was playing and always had a match he didn’t want to miss. They were forty-five minutes early so they decided to get a drink.
Merle ordered a beer and Liberty opted for hard cider.
“Merle?”
He turned to see his middle brother, Manford, making his way toward them. Alone. Normally he had his fiancée, Ashley, with him.
“Hey,” he said.
“Dude, love the hair. When did that happen?”
“It’s been this way for a while. I just wear a baseball cap on the family calls so Mom and Dad don’t freak out. This is Liberty. Liberty, this is my brother Manford.”
“Nice to meet you,” Manford said, holding his hand out for a handshake.
“You too,” she said. “Are you the one we’re celebrating tonight?”
“Uh, no. That would be Marcus. I’m the one who...” His eyes scanned the restaurant nervously. “Hell. I might be letting Dad down tonight, but I don’t want to steal Marc’s thunder.”
“What?” Merle exclaimed. Manford was Dad’s chip off the old block. He was a natural at baseball and even when he stopped playing, he stuck with the team as a coach. “I doubt that.”
“Ash and I broke off our engagement and I have no idea what I’m going to do next. I might even quit my job,” Manford said.
“And here I thought my hair was going to be the big talking point,” Merle said. “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m just...tired. Dad is always telling me how proud he is of you and how you did your own thing and it’s worked for you,” Manford said. “My life just feels like it’s in flux, you know?”
Merle shook his head, stunned. “Dude, I feel you. Just so you know, he never says that to me. Dad spends most of his time talking about you and your coaching job. He really was impressed by what you did with the team last year.”
“He was?”
“Yeah. I mean, I don’t know why he doesn’t tell us these things,” Merle said with a shrug as he finished his beer in a long swallow.
Merle didn’t get it. His parents were always bragging about Manford. Like he was the son that personified everything they thought was successful. It was disorientating to hear that Man didn’t really love his life. That he didn’t know how proud their parents were of his successes.
“You two should ask him,” Liberty said.
Merle shook his head at the same time as his brother. “Uh, definitely not. Coach isn’t the touchy-feely type.”
“Yeah, wait until you meet him,” Manford added. “That’s nice to hear that they’re proud of me. But even if they are, I’m not sure about going back to coaching.”
Something more was going on with his brother. Though they weren’t close, Merle knew that Man had always wanted to be a coach and seemed to love his job. “Why not? What does Ashley think? Is that why you broke up?”
Man signaled the bartender for another round and then leaned back in the bar stool. Pursing his lips, he shook his head in a slow way, then just shrugged. “She’s moving to California next month for a new job. She didn’t even discuss the job offer with me before she took it,” Manford said.
Merle didn’t know what to say. Ashley and Man had been together since their freshman year of college. They had always seemed so suited for each other. Like a perfect fit. Hearing from the brother he thought had everything and had his life together that it was all actually shit and falling apart was a shock. “I’m sorry, Man.”
“I am too. Turns out I was spending so much time at work, she thought... It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does. What’d she say?”
“That she didn’t think I’d care since I was never home,” Man said.
Merle hurt for his brother who looked devastated and lost. The way he and his brothers had been raised didn’t make it easy for them to accept failure. Training and hard work got results on the diamond but not always in life.
“That sucks,” Liberty said. “Did you tell her you do love her? That you don’t want it to end?”
The waiter dropped off his brother’s beer and Man immediately took a long sip. Merle was pretty sure that his brother hadn’t said jack shit about his feelings like this to anyone, not even Ashley. That wasn’t the Rutland way.
“Uh, no.”
“Then I don’t feel sorry for you. If you want her, you should tell her. Women don’t want to feel like they are second in your life to everything else.”
“It’s too late. When I pointed out that this was a shock, she told me that I never talk to her about the important stuff. We had a fight and we’re officially—” he emphasized the words “—taking a break.”
Merle looked at his brother, questioning everything about his own life. Manford had always been a mini-Dad. His earliest memories were of Man running faster, pitching harder, everything in the name of pleasing their father. Apparently he took some of the not-so-great traits too.
“You’ve always been the most like Dad, to a fault. Maybe she wants you to fight for her.”
“I don’t know about Ashley or Dad. Like you, I’m just good at sports. I don’t love them obsessively. Playing and coaching sports is just always something that’s easy for me.
“I fell into dating Ash and things were going good. I just coasted along, probably because it’s easier than facing the hard stuff. I know she wanted more from me, but I’m a fucking mess right now.”
“In what way?”
Man put his head in his hand and then downed his beer in one gulp. “I’m not a mini-Dad. I’m turning into him. Ash, the coaching job... It’s like I’m following his path...not my own. It took Ash leaving to make me realize it. I can keep taking the easy route or maybe it’s time for me to step up.”
The same thing had happened to Merle because of Liberty. Not that he was going to say that to his brother with her sitting right next to him.
Then Marcus and his parents arrived and they made their way into the dining room, the ghosts of their conversation still lingering. Merle had always thought he was the most observant of his brothers, the one who saw the truth of their family, but he’d been oblivious to Man’s struggles.
Liberty could see why Merle had been nervous about this dinner. His parents were everything that was healthy and fit. His mom looked probably ten years younger than she was and his dad reminded her of every PE teacher she’d ever seen. They were pleasant but stiff.
They were intense, almost intimidating. But Liberty had never been what anyone considered normal, and neither had her mom, so she had a lifetime of being herself and not giving a fuck what anyone thought, no matter how strange they might believe her to be.
Merle, on the other hand, looked sweet and comforting sitting next to her. Manford was also obviously nervous, ordering beer after beer.
After everyone had placed their drink orders, silence took the whole table captive and Merle attempted to switch gears. “Mom and Dad, this is Liberty. Liberty, meet my parents.”
“Liberty. That’s an interesting name. You work with Poppy, right?” Mrs. Rutland asked her.
“I do. We’re all partners in WiCKed Sisters,” she said.
“Heard that’s going well for the three of you,” Mr. Rutland said, offering her his hand.
She wasn’t a hand-shaker by nature so, like with Manford, it ended up with her fingers brushing his in a chaotic jumble. He shook his head and pulled his hand back before moving on to Merle and getting the handshake he’d been after.
“Good to see you, son,” Merle’s dad said to him.
His mom gave him a hug and stood back, touching his hair where it curled against his collar. “Your hair is really...different.” Her eyes darted, taking everything about Merle’s outfit in. “Do you like this that way?”
“I do,” he said.
Her mouth tightened for a moment and then she gave him a strained smile. “I guess I do too.”
“Manford, where is Ashley?”
“She’s taken a job on the West Coast and we are taking a break,” Manford told her. The words came out on one long breath. “Also I’m thinking of quitting coaching.”
“That’s a lot to take on board,” Mrs. Rutland said.
“I know, but I figured I’d get it out of the way now so we can celebrate Marcus.” Manford clapped his hand on their youngest brother’s shoulder. “We are so proud of you.”
“Thanks, dude,” Marcus said, bro hugging him. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
They all settled around the table, Liberty silently watching the dynamic of the family. Merle’s brothers looked like she knew he would have if she hadn’t made him leave his hair alone and let his beard stubble grow out. They were clean-cut, good-looking men who were clearly athletic, just as their parents were. The conversation while they were waiting to order centered around sports and scores and games. Liberty turned to Mrs. Rutland after their drinks had been served and she’d taken a healthy swallow of her dry martini.
“You should come to the Halloween party we’re hosting at WiCKed Sisters. I know Poppy would love to see you,” Liberty said. She’d always gotten the impression that Poppy’s family didn’t understand the store’s mission. Maybe they were put off by the witchcraft elements.
“Thank you for the invitation. I’ll check our calendar. I think my tennis club is having something that weekend,” she replied. Mrs. Rutland deftly avoided eye contact, scanning the menu.
Okay then.
“What is it you do, exactly? Are you the book one or the witch one?” Mrs. Rutland asked after a beat.
Because Merle and Poppy were so close, Liberty had expected his parents to know more about Poppy’s life and their shared workplace. Merle was close to Poppy’s mom. But apparently Merle’s parents were different.
“I’m the witch. I do different types of spells and charms for customers and tarot readings. That sort of thing. My mom and Nan are witches too,” she said, injecting the pride she felt into her voice.
She felt Merle’s hand on her thigh. Did he want her to not talk about being a witch? She’d never hidden who she was and didn’t intend to start now.
“Oh, that’s...interesting,” Mrs. Rutland said.
“Coach, I’m glad that you talked to Stanfield today. I know the two of you are friends, but that’s all that conversation can be. I’m thirty and will make my own job decisions,” Manford said in a loud voice, capturing everyone’s attention.
“We can discuss it later. Tonight is about celebrating Marcus,” Mr. Rutland said.
Merle sat back in his chair and let out a long, low sigh, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration. This wasn’t the kind of dinner she’d been expecting, but it explained so much about Merle and why he felt so insecure about his parents and their opinions on his life.
“Marcus, when do you start your new gig?” Liberty asked after a tense three-minute stare down between Manford and his dad. The restaurant still buzzed around them but couldn’t break the tension. It seemed that everyone else was content to let them have their pissing match.
“I actually started last week. They sent me a bunch of tapes to watch for training.”
She had no idea what that meant, but Merle leaned forward. Apparently it meant something to him.
“Are they still sending tape? Or is it digital now?” Merle asked.
Marcus answered, and soon they were talking about players and formations and other sporty stuff that she didn’t really understand. Merle squeezed her hand under the table as he talked away while his parents silently ate their entrées. She was relieved that things had settled down, but the meal felt like it lasted a lifetime.
When they cleared away the dinner dishes, the waiter offered them dessert. Mrs. Rutland said she wasn’t interested and Liberty quickly realized none of them were going to order it. She felt a quick sense of disappointment—it was her favorite part of the meal, even if this was the dinner from hell. Probably thanks to another family rule.
“I’ll look at the dessert menu,” Merle said, getting a few surprised looks from his family.
Liberty grinned. “Me too.”
They ordered dessert while his brothers and parents just had decaf coffee, no milk or sugar. Merle and Liberty made light conversation and laughed with each other. She obviously wasn’t going to impress his parents, but at least she could have fun with Merle despite it all.
Merle told his brother Manford to check in with him in the next few days before they said good-bye. Manford hugged Merle tight and nodded.
When they were in the car, she waited until they’d left the parking lot to check in.
“Thanks for that.”
He arched one eyebrow at her.
“Dessert.”
“I figured you’d curse me if I didn’t do something.”
“You know that’s not how I operate,” she said.
“Yeah, you’d much rather cast one of your spells on me.”
She shook her head. “I don’t have to cast any spells on you, do I?”
Samhain was weaving its magic around her life and making her find that comfort she always had from the changing of seasons. One thing that it was making very evident was that she wanted Merle in her life for more than one season.
She really admired the way he held his own with his family and stood up for his brothers, sometimes diverting the heat to himself and directing the conversation around them.
“I think you were nervous for nothing,” Liberty said.
“That’s because Man had so much shit going on,” Merle said. “That was not a normal dinner for the Rutlands.”
He had never seen his father so...lost. But Coach was never at a loss.
Tonight was a shift. He hadn’t even joined in the discussion about Marcus’s new job, sitting silently for the rest of the meal.
“Yeah? Well your dad seemed pissed but he didn’t say anything.”
“He definitely was. But Man is an adult and Coach really shouldn’t have gone behind his back to talk to his boss.”
“It’s crazy that he did it. Is that why you picked a career and a life so far from them?” she asked.
“Maybe subconsciously. I just wanted to be far enough away that I could do my own thing. And Aunt Jean and Uncle Richard had a vacation rental in Birch Lake that I could live in during the off-season.”
“I didn’t realize that was why you picked Birch Lake.”
“Yeah. My work was remote even then. I could have stayed in Bangor but didn’t want to.”
“I’m glad.”
Something warm and fuzzy settled in his stomach. After the tense dinner, he started to relax with Liberty. “You are?”
“You know I am,” she said.
“I don’t know that for sure,” he said, signaling to turn off the interstate and onto the county road that led to Birch Lake. “I’m winging it with you.”
“You don’t wing anything,” she pointed out, putting her hand on his thigh. “From the moment I sat down across from you at the Bootless Soldier, you knew what you wanted from me.”
“You wanted it too,” he pointed out. She came to him because she’d felt she had nowhere else to go. And he liked that—having something that no one else could offer her.
“Definitely. I’d been dropping breadcrumbs forever,” she said.
“But you didn’t really want me to pick them up,” he said.
“I’m not so sure about that. I guess I’ll have to thank John Jones for forcing my hand,” she said.
Merle lifted her hand from his leg and kissed the back of it. “Me too. Speaking of John Jones...”
“Yes?”
“The internet search came back successful earlier today. I found yours. Where he lives.”
The car became silent for a moment, just the sound of the machine cruising along the highway.
“You did?”
“I did.”
“Oh, okay.”
She placed one hand on the door of the car and looked out and up at the sky. He wasn’t sure what was going through her head. He had thought getting the location of her biological father was what she wanted. But rather than looking excited or relieved, Liberty seemed uncertain.
He knew Liberty needed nature around her during hard times, so he turned off before they got to town and drove up the small, two-laned road toward Hanging Hill. He stopped in the dirt parking lot at the bottom.
She looked around the parking lot. “How did you know I needed to be here?”
“You’re not subtle,” he said. “I can read you.”
“Can you really?” Liberty clasped her hands. “I’m not sure I like that,” she admitted.
“It’s not a bad thing. You can read me too. Tonight you were doing it with no effort,” he pointed out. Dinner had made it very clear that he and Liberty could be a very good team.
He’d always thought of himself as a loner, a solo player. On a team there was a chance of letting others down, but on his own, that didn’t matter. But with her...he never wanted to let her down. He wanted to improve himself until they were unbeatable.
“Yeah? I’m not sure. I thought... I need to go up to the top and see the moon.”
“Hold up, I’ll grab the blanket from the trunk. We can sit up there as long as you need.”
She got out of the car and waited while he got the blanket. He used the flashlight on his phone to find it, because it was almost the new moon and the sky was dark. “I talked to Mom. You already know that. But she didn’t want to give me any more information. I just don’t know if I should keep pursuing this.”
“This is about you,” he said, slowing down as they reached the top of the hill. There was a small stone circle with the remains of a long-ago fire in it. Liberty moved away from him, spreading her arms wide as she tipped her head back and looked up at the sky. She was saying something under her breath, but he couldn’t hear the words.
God, she was beautiful. Out here in the clearing on this hill, with the night sky big and open above them, he felt like he couldn’t hold her. That she was a creature that belonged to the universe and would never really belong to him.
She turned around and he immediately saw the confusion and the sheen of unspent tears in her blue-gray eyes. He opened his arms and she ran the short distance between them, throwing herself into his arms. He hugged her tight.
This was what being part of a team meant. It wasn’t about winning or about being the best. It was about holding each other and supporting each other.
At least that’s what it was with Liberty. He’d never let anything hurt her. Not her father, not her mom and not even herself. She might hesitate to get the answers for herself. This time Merle would have to be stronger than Liberty.