Chapter 29 Nina
NINA
“You okay?” Ashley asked me, eyeing the stain on my uniform shirt.
“Another day in paradise,” I laughed as I plucked at it.
I was happy to be back on board, back to work with hordes of sticky little people who made life messy and fun, but the echoes of Noah and Logan were all around me, and the reminders made it hard to stay focused on the work of keeping kids happy.
“Do you want to run and change?” She wrinkled her nose. “Because it really looks like someone disemboweled you.”
I glanced down at the red paint splattered on my white golf shirt, a mistake at the intersection of kids on a sugar high plus jugs of poster paint. The little boy had tripped carrying a container with a loose lid, and I was wearing the consequences.
Going back to work was awkward at first since everyone knew about the speed-run love affair and surprise breakup between me and Logan. Or rather, they knew the official version as sanitized by the Ashford PR machine.
The story they were pushing was that it had been a whirlwind romance, followed by a quickie wedding, and then a few months of bliss before the slow realization that we were better off as friends. The PR department had obviously branched out into selling fiction.
Too bad no one seemed to be buying it. I’d been pulled aside during my first few days on board to field my colleagues’ whispered questions about what really went down between us. If nothing else, at least I was getting better at keeping a bland expression plastered on my face as I lied.
Logan’s a great guy! We’re in a good place now!
Noah is making incredible progress!
It’s for the best; we’re still close friends!
But it wasn’t like I could tell the truth and say that Logan Ashford was a selfish, hot-headed asshole who didn’t know how to love.
Wait, that wasn’t true, because he definitely knew how to love his son. It didn’t matter how bumpy things got between them, the love they shared was never in question.
The problem was that he didn’t know how to hand over his heart to me.
Ashley waved her hand in front of my face. “Um, hello? Are you still with us? Your shirt…”
I laughed to cover for the fact that I’d spaced out. I’d been doing it plenty lately.
“Nah, I can keep it on. The day is basically over,” I shrugged. “It’ll make for a good story when the parents arrive for pickup.”
We leaned against the wall and gazed out at the young cruisers who were finally focused on creating their own sea creatures for the mural collage we were creating.
“You okay? First voyage post…everything,” Ashley asked me, frowning.
I nodded quickly and tried to arrange my face in a nonchalant expression. “All good. Why? Do I not seem like myself?”
“You seem perfect, but I know better. You’re an excellent actor.” She studied me with clear concern.
“I’m fine,” I insisted. “How much longer do we have before afternoon pickup, anyway?”
I pulled my phone out of my back pocket to check the time and was shocked to see the number of text notifications. I always kept the sound turned off while I was with the kids because I didn’t want them to think I was distracted by my phone.
It was a Tasha text storm.
This many notifications meant that something was wrong.
“Uh-oh,” I said as I unlocked my phone. “Did someone die?”
Ahsley craned her neck to look at my screen. “Yikes, what’s up?”
“Not sure, but clearly something’s going on,” I muttered. “Do you mind if I step outside to check?”
She swished her hand at me. “Oh my God, go, please. I can handle the hoard.”
Tasha and I had had no time together in person since the breakup, so I’d been forced to tell her everything over FaceTime. As a result, she was a charter member of the Drag-Logan-Through-The-Mud club. But her text had a different tone this time around.
Check it out. Maybe he has a heart after all, it read.
I clicked on the link to find an article announcing that Ashford Cruises had broken ground on their new employee childcare center at HQ.
My heart went heavy at the news, because it was a reminder that I was supposed to be there leading the charge.
Not that I didn’t trust Logan and his team to make the space perfect, of course.
I knew they were creating something special.
What got to me was how desperately I wanted to be a part of the positive change going on.
It was sort of my baby, after all.
I paced as I kept reading. Not only were they going to launch the new facility, they were looking to build something much larger than their initial plans—something far beyond what the staff currently required.
Reading further, I got the explanation for the expansion.
The additional slots were going to children being raised by single, working parents.
The foundation was also looking to build out other sites and partner with current daycare programs to underwrite their expenses so they could eventually switch to a fee-free model.
Clearly, Logan had been paying attention when I’d told the board about what I’d been through with my last employer that had to close due to lost funding.
The new model was an improvement to the plan that I couldn’t have anticipated, and despite everything Logan had put me through, it warmed my heart a little.
Not enough to be truly moved, though. I’d started the project, his team had bought in big-time, and his seeing it through was inevitable. It had nothing to do with me at this stage.
It was a smart business move and nothing more.
I paused to stare out at the blue vista and let out a sigh. I knew I’d get past the heartbreak, eventually. Didn’t feel like I was any closer to healing, though, especially now. The reminders of him followed me despite my attempts to blot him out of my life.
The phone rang in my hand, and when I glanced down, I expected to see Tasha’s profile picture. Instead, it was a close-up of Noah’s goofy grin. I smiled. Thankfully, I’d been able to compartmentalize my pain enough that my connection to Noah was as strong as it could be, considering.
I loved that we were able to keep in touch under Josie’s watchful eye.
The two of us had decided that the best way for Noah and me to have natural conversations was to not have Logan involved in any way.
Having her hovering in the background instead of him made it easy for me to be the upbeat, positive person Noah remembered.
“Hey, buddy!” I answered. “How are you?”
“Hi, Nina! I’m good. Did you read the newspaper?”
The phone echoed, which meant I was on speaker.
I bit back a smile, because I hadn’t even seen a newspaper in years. He’d been reading some vintage comic books that featured newspaper reporters, which probably made him think they were still a thing.
“I did. I saw some really good news about the daycare center.”
“Did it make you smile?”
I chuckled at his excitement. “Of course, it’s wonderful.”
“Yay! Daddy said he wanted to make you happy.”
I paused a beat because Noah didn’t usually mention his father. “Well, it definitely did.”
“Okay, so does that mean you’re going to be married again and move back home? Because Daddy said you were sad before, but now that you’re happy, you should probably come back. Right? Ariel misses you.”
“Noah,” Josie scolded quietly in the background.
“But Daddy said they weren’t happy, and now they are…” His voice went muffled, probably the result of him turning to address Josie.
“Noah?” I waited for him to refocus on the call.
“Yeah?”
“I want to explain why that’s not going to happen,” I said gently.
It was a dicey strategy since he didn’t need to know the facts of our breakup.
Still, I wanted to help him form realistic expectations.
“What your father is doing with the daycare center is absolutely wonderful. So many people are going to be happy about it. But that new building doesn’t change what went wrong between your father and me. ”
I tried to formulate the explanation so it would make sense to him but not throw his dad under the bus. No matter how hurt I was by how things had ended between Logan and me, I didn’t want to do anything to damage the father-son relationship.
“What do you mean?” Noah’s voice trembled.
I heard a commotion through the line, but I kept talking.
“Noey, as happy as I am about the daycare center, I’m still very sad about how things went with your dad.”
I waited for Noah to respond, but he remained quiet.
“He hurt my feelings. A lot. And what are we supposed to do when we hurt someone’s feelings?”
It was a lesson we’d gone through a few times as his friend group expanded.
“We say sorry,” Noah replied in a quiet voice.
“Exactly,” I replied. “But your dad never told me that he was sorry, and that made the hurt in my heart even worse.”
“He didn’t say sorry?” Noah exclaimed. “That’s not nice!”
“Nope,” I said, sniffing back a few tears. I had to maintain an even keel because I could tell Noah was starting to feel unbalanced by the conversation. I hated drawing him into the mess, but he had to know that the chances of me moving back in were basically zero.
“But what if he says sorry right now—”
I cut him off. “Noey, it’s more than just saying the words.
It’s also meaning them. Feeling them. And it’s important to make sure that the person who did the wrong thing understands why the other person feels sad.
Because if you apologize and you don’t understand why, then there’s a chance you might hurt them again.
The person apologizing has to feel it in their heart, you know?
And the person getting the apology has to believe that it’s real. ”
My breathing went shallow as I squinted out the window at the horizon. I was walking a tightrope trying to help Noah understand the breakup.
“I’m sad now,” Noah said, his voice muffled.
“I know. I am too,” I agreed. I leaned my forehead against the glass.
I heard a clunk, and I assumed that Noah had knocked the phone off the table. Then I heard a deep, way-too-familiar baritone.
“Nina…” Logan began.
A wave of goosebumps swept over my body. “Logan?”
I went through shock, mortification, then anger within seconds.
“Have you been listening the whole time?” I demanded. “Because that’s inappropriate! Josie and I have an arrangement. I can promise you that every conversation has been monitored so there’s no reason for you to—”
“I’m still here,” Josie’s voice rang out in the background. “He just came in the room.”
“And I only heard the last part. About apologizing, and meaning it,” Logan said.
I heard a scuffle, then Noah’s little pout in the background. “Daddy, it’s my time to talk to Nina!”
“I know, bud, I just need a few minutes,” he said in a muffled voice.
I saw a pair of parents approaching the Kids’ Club and gave them a tight smile. I waved and pointed vaguely, then walked down the hall to a private alcove.
“No, you don’t,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Can we at least talk about the news?” Logan asked me.
I sighed. “Fine. It’s wonderful. Congrats. Anything else?”
“Nina, come on.”
“What? Do you need more ego stroking? It’s amazing, Logan!” I said in a fake cheerful voice. “Oh my gosh, you’re such a visionary!”
“It wasn’t my idea,” he said flatly.
“Yeah, exactly.”
We both breathed into the phone. I had a feeling that Josie had rushed Noah out of the kitchen to give us privacy to talk frankly, but there was no need. I had nothing left to say to Logan, and my finger was hovering over the disconnect button.
“How are you?” Logan asked.
“Why would you care?” I snapped back like a surly teenager. “Logan, don’t try to pretend that we’re okay, because we aren’t.”
“I was wondering if you might want to—”
I saw another couple headed to the Club to pick up through the glass dividing wall.
“Listen, I’m sorry but I’m working right now.
I’ll always answer the phone for Noah, but there’s no need for the two of us to talk.
You made it very clear that there’s no room for me in your life, so I have no choice but to respect that decision. ”
He started to say something, but I cut him off again.
“Please let Noah know that we can keep talking about apologies and forgiveness if he wants more clarification, but from now on, I’m going to have to ask you to make sure that only Josie is monitoring the calls. I’m uncomfortable having you eavesdropping.”
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose. I walked into the room and heard your voice…” he trailed off and let out a heavy sigh.
“Well, you won’t have to worry about that if you follow the ground rules we laid out, right? Anyway, I need to get back to the kids for end-of-day pickup. Tell Noah I’ll be here whenever he needs me.”
“Nina…”
The pain in his voice almost got to me. Then I remembered what he’d done. The inexplicable anger directed at me when I was just trying to help him. His unwillingness to talk through the troubles.
He wasn’t the man I thought he was, and we both needed to accept that fact.
“Goodbye, Logan.”
He started to speak, but I cut off the call before I could get lulled by his voice.
I needed to cry, but even more parents were now streaming toward the Kids’ Club to pick up their children before dinner. Ashley would need my help to make sure everyone got signed out appropriately.
No time for tears.
If only my body would get the message. I tried every trick I knew, from jumping up and down to licking my front teeth, a bizarre acting tip.
Nothing worked, so I found a quiet alcove and promised myself that this would be the very last time I cried over Logan Ashford.