Chapter 30 Logan
LOGAN
There were so many ways for my grand plan to fail—and the entire scenario was made worse by the fact that I was uncharacteristically nervous. I had to keep my hands shoved in my pockets to hide the way they trembled when I tucked the documents in my breast pocket.
I never got nervous. Ever. It didn’t matter who was sitting across from me—a princess, president, celebrity—I remained on an even keel.
Then again, those meetings were about business. This one was about…forever.
If things went according to plan, of course, which brought me back to the potential for fuckups.
Sure, Nina had agreed to stop by today for Noah’s birthday party. But what if she changed her mind, opting to mail her birthday gift for Noah instead of dropping it off herself? Or what if she decided to give it to someone at the door and leave?
I paced on the gravel in front of the greenhouse under relentless sunshine.
We’d opted to hold the party at my father’s house because Noah wanted to swim.
Of course, Dad was more than happy to open our home for one last hurrah.
I touched my hand to the interior blazer pocket to make sure the papers were there, even though I’d just tucked the documents in a few minutes before.
I was ready…wasn’t I? Shit, was I ready? I’d never felt so uncertain in my life. I had zero doubts about what I wanted, but what if she didn’t agree?
“You’ve got this,” I said out loud as I started pacing. “It’s going to work out. It has to work out. Right? There’s no other option.”
Talking to myself actually felt good, and there was no one around to hear me acting like a weirdo, so I kept it up.
“Yeah, you fucked up, big-time, but you can turn it around. Just don’t be a fucking idiot.”
“Is that even possible?”
The voice startled me. I spun around to find Nina watching me wearing a half smile that looked forced.
Still. She’d made it past the initial two hurdles of showing up and then meeting me at the greenhouse, where I’d told the staff to send her. Now it was all up to me.
“Oh, hey. You’re, uh, you’re here,” I stumbled on my words. “Hi.”
Nina glanced around the yard. “I’m shocked you’re not doing your little soliloquy in front of an audience of kids. Expanding their vocabulary like that is sort of your move, right?”
She wasn’t letting me off easy. Fine. I could handle it, as long as she didn’t leave.
Somehow, she looked even more stunning than I remembered in a light-green top and jean shorts.
She was clutching a brightly wrapped gift that was probably going to wind up being Noah’s favorite, no matter what was inside.
I grinned at her, sheepish at the reminder of our first meeting. “I like to think I’ve mellowed since then.”
“Hmm,” she replied, eyebrow cocked and clearly dubious. “Anyway, the guy who answered the door told me that Noah and the rest of the kids were out here?” Nina glanced around. “Is this, like, a massive game of hide-and-seek?”
“Sorry, I told him to tell you that, but the kids are actually in the media room watching a screener of the new Slimy Kid movie. I pulled some strings to get it before it released.”
“Of course you did,” she huffed out a mirthless laugh. “You can move mountains, everyone knows that. It’s how you fix every problem.”
Shit. We were already off to a bad start.
“Anyway, I don’t want to interrupt Noah’s fun, so here’s his gift.” Nina stepped closer to me, holding the package out. “Please tell him I said—”
“Wait,” I interrupted her. “I was hoping to say a few things to you. That’s why I arranged for us to meet out here.”
She sighed. “Logan, there’s nothing left to say. You made your feelings perfectly clear to me. I highly doubt there’s anything you can say that will change my perspective.”
I paused to gather my courage.
“How about sorry?”
Nina’s face flashed with pain, but she didn’t respond. I cleared my throat and pushed on.
“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop during your last conversation with Noah, I swear.
But what you said about apologies and forgiveness…
it was a wake-up call for me. It made me realize not only that I need to apologize to you for the way I treated you but also that you deserve to hear me tell you why I’m sorry. ”
She pursed her lips like she was holding herself back from speaking, which I appreciated.
I’d practiced my speech until it was perfect, and I needed to plow through it without interruptions.
I knew how I wanted this run-in to end, but even if Nina didn’t forgive me, I still needed her to understand that she’d changed me.
“I’ve always needed to feel in control. I thought that that was the only way to keep everything from getting out of hand. You picked up on that immediately.”
Nina rolled her eyes, nodding a little. I took it for encouragement.
“Obviously, that’s how I run my business.
I obsess over every little detail, and I’m hands-on with everything.
It was also my approach at home—and if it ever seemed like it wasn’t working, I just doubled down and tried to control things more.
When Noah was so unhappy after losing his mom, I obsessed over following his therapist’s advice to the letter, because I needed to feel I was doing everything possible to make sure Noah was safe and looked after. ”
Her expression softened a little at the confession. I pressed on.
“I thought I was protecting my work and my son, but what I was actually doing was stifling them. It was a hard realization, admitting that the control I thought was so necessary was fucking everything up.”
That got a startled laugh out of her.
“Then you came into my life and brought messy, beautiful joy into our home, just by being you. Not because it was a corporate directive or advice from some expert. You radiate this…joy. Just being around you was enough to make us happy. You turned our house into a true home during an incredibly challenging transition. I can’t even imagine how bumpy it would’ve been without you to guide us. ”
Pink rose in her cheeks at the compliments. I wasn’t even close to finished.
“You being with us made us feel like we were finally a family. You stepped in and made us whole. Not by trying to take Eleanor’s place but by being Noah’s parent in your own way. You had an immediate bond with him, and it grew stronger every day you were together. It was beautiful to watch.”
“He’s a very special boy,” Nina said softly.
“He is,” I agreed. “And he loves you, very much.”
That was enough to kick off the waterworks, but she remained silent as the tears slid down her cheeks. It took everything in my power to keep from striding over to her and wrapping her in my arms, but I knew my touch wouldn’t be welcome yet. Besides, I still had plenty more to say.
“That’s why I wanted to give you this, if you’re comfortable with it,” I said as I reached into my blazer pocket and pulled out the paperwork. I walked it over to her. She eyeballed the stack with clear suspicion.
“Logan, you can’t buy my forgiveness, whatever that is. A deed to a boat? A receipt for a pony? It doesn’t matter what it is, I don’t want it.” Nina wiped away her tears and took a step back from me. “I came here to drop off Noah’s present, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll just leave it here.”
She placed the toaster-sized box on the ground and started speed walking away from me.
“Wait, Nina, can you at least look at what it is?”
I chased after her as my heart sank. The cheerful birdsong all around us felt like the exact wrong soundtrack for the moment.
“Nina, please…” I was losing my chance. Worry clawed at my insides. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
“Just look at the documents. I’m begging you.”
I held out the stack to her desperately. Her eyes bounced between the paperwork and my face, still wary and untrusting. She finally reached out to take them from me and unfolded them slowly.
I watched her mouth the words as she read, and her eyes widened as the meaning sank in.
“You…you want me to become one of Noah’s legal guardians? On par with you?”
I inched my way closer to her. “I want that more than anything.”
Her chin trembled, but even as I read the yes in her eyes, Nina shook her head.
“I’m sorry, Logan, but I can’t.” A tear slipped down her cheek as she held up the guardianship papers.
“This is incredibly thoughtful, and you know how much I love Noah, but I can’t put myself back in the same situation. ”
A fear like I had never known gripped my chest. It was different than the fear of hearing Noah scream in pain. “I’m messing this up.”
Nina shook her head again. “No,” she insisted. “You’re not. I completely understand—”
I stepped closer to her again. “You don’t,” I said, cutting off whatever she was about to say. “I’m the one that fucked up. I shouldn’t have started with the guardianship papers.”
Her brows furrowed. “So you don’t want me to be Noah’s guardian?”
“No, I do.” The words came out in a rush, and I hated myself just a little bit more. Why was it so hard to tell this woman how I felt? Everything about her left me entirely off-balance. “I did this out of order. You should know how I feel first.”
Nina swallowed hard. “How you feel?” she echoed.
“Yes, I—”
“Daddy!”
We both jumped in shock. At some point, Noah had found his way out to us and had been watching everything unfold in the shadow of the hedgerow. Thankfully, the rest of his party guests weren’t with him. I could only hope they were still inside, fully distracted by the movie and the endless snacks.
“Oh, hey, buddy,” Nina exclaimed, her confusion immediately camouflaged for his benefit. “Happy birthday!”
He ran over to her, and she knelt down to hug him. I felt tears welling up as I watched them. They looked so perfect together.
How could I have been so stupid as to separate them?
“I brought you a present,” Nina continued.
“Thank you,” he said quickly. He squeezed Nina then stepped back to look up at me. “But Daddy, you forgot something.”