Chapter 30 #2
“It’s no big deal,” I insisted weakly. I have my work.
“Oh yeah, I can totally see that,” he laughed at me in that annoying ‘big brother knows all’ way.
“Come on, it’s obvious you’re miserable.
What’s the roadblock that’s stopping you from admitting it?
Pride? Fuck pride! It’ll never keep you warm at night.
Fear? I get that it can be scary to put your heart out there, to try for something real and know how much pain you’re risking if it all ends up falling apart.
But you’ve never let fear hold you back before.
Don’t be an idiot. You can’t let a good thing like what you had with Emilia slip away. ”
“Too late. She’s gone and it’s over,” I fired back at him. I’d be surprised if she brought any of her clients to the resort and I deserved that.
He gave me a rueful smile. “Yeah, that’s what I thought about me and Gwen, too.”
“You got lucky.”
“Not at all. I worked to win her back. I finally came to my senses and did everything I could to convince her to give me another chance.” Harrison paused as a baby wave rolled past us. “You could do the same thing, you know.”
I stared down at my blonde wood surfboard. “Doubtful.”
“Come on. Stop being so negative. Do you care about Emilia?”
“Of course I do,” I shot back before I could temper my emotions.
I wondered how hard it would be to get a copy of all the scenes Emilia was in from Dorian, but then dismissed the idea. I didn’t want to answer any more of his damn questions. Maybe I could ask for the ones that highlight the resort. She was in a lot of those. It might be enough.
“And do you think she cared about you?” Harrison asked pulling me back to the conversation I was trying to ignore.
I sighed as I considered it. Unless she was a spectacular actress, yeah, she did. We’d shared something real. Brief, but real. That was the best I could hope for… wasn’t it?
“I think so,” I managed. “But what we had ran its course. It was bound to end sooner or later. It just… happened to be sooner.”
“Bullshit,” Harrison said succinctly. “You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. And if you’ll stop getting in your own way you’ll figure out that real love can last, if you invest in it. No, if you nurture it, because love is vulnerable when you’re first finding your way together.”
“What self-help books have you been reading?” This was hitting way too close for me and there was no way I was taking relationship advice from my brother. He lucked out with Gwen. I wasn’t that lucky. In fact, I didn’t believe in luck.
Harrison blew out a harsh breath. “I really want to tell you to fuck off right now, but I’m not going to give you the satisfaction.
” He took another deep breath and blew it out.
“Look, I know for a fact that us Ashfords fight against opening ourselves up. We’ve all been burned.
But I’m living proof that taking a chance is worth it. ”
I shook my head. “Nope. Even if I wanted to do that—and it’s a big if—there’s no way she’s going to let me back in. I fucked up.”
He leaned over and smacked my board for emphasis. “That’s the first step! Admitting that you’re an idiot. That’ll get your foot in the door to plead your case.”
I scoffed. “There’s no way she’d take me back now.” We didn’t just argue. I’d hurt her. Deeply. I knew that much. It was the kind of hurt you don’t walk back from.
“And that is why you have to grovel. A lot. And maybe it won’t work at first, and maybe you’ll have to keep trying without knowing for sure if anything you say or do will change her mind.
And it’ll suck and you’ll be miserable. But your life already sucks and you’re already miserable without her, so what do you really have to lose?
If there’s even a chance of her forgiving you, isn’t it worth it to try? ”
We both went quiet as I considered if what he was saying was true.
“Maybe,” I said, although I didn’t believe it was possible for me.
How long would I have to keep putting myself out there for her, only to have Emilia turn me down each time?
I was already hurting. Miserable, in fact, to agree with Harrison.
I wasn’t sure I had it in me to recover from her continued rejection.
But, what if?
Harrison didn’t answer and when I looked over at him he was pointing in the distance.
“It’s go time,” he said, paddling so that his board was lined up for the bomb headed our way.
Finally.
I moved onto my board and waited for the swell to get closer. Every worry disappeared as my muscle memory fired up and I pulled myself through the water.
A few seconds later I was standing on top of my board. Harrison and I were teenagers again, laughing and throwing ‘hang loose’ signs at each other as we rode the perfect wave back to the shore.
Damn. It felt good to be back, in more ways than one.
“About time we got some action,” Harrison laughed as we hopped off our boards and into the low water.
“Looks like she’s finally awake,” I pointed at the sets of waves rolling in.
We were going to have a decent session despite the slow start and painful conversation. I followed him back out into the water.
But even as I relished the prospect of catching another wave, I couldn’t shake the talk we’d just had.
Because as much as I hated to admit it, I knew that Harrison was right.
He’d taken a chance on love and now he had the life of his dreams. I never even allowed myself to consider what my life could be like with Emilia at my side because it hadn’t felt possible. But that was fear talking.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing something that meant more to me than it did the other person.
Fuck. I was letting my fears run my life. When had I become that person?
“You can do this,” Harrison said, as if reading my thoughts.
Although maybe he was talking about the massive wave barreling towards us?
“Start with a decent apology and see where that gets you,” Harrison continued. “I promise you, she’s worth fighting for.”
He jumped onto his board and started paddling out towards where the waves were forming. That was the approach I needed if I was serious about trying to win Emilia back. I’d have to get right into the center of the drama, immerse myself in it, and find a flow state to make it work.
Emilia didn’t know it yet, but I was a tidal wave heading right for her.