Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
O nce they were back in Point Beacon Sunday evening, Mel’s hand shook as she unlocked her door. Adam had been quiet all day, and she was worried. Last night had been amazing, but she’d not missed the hunted look in his eyes at the reception before they’d left.
They walked inside and Mel flipped on the lights. Her neighbor, Ms. Petronelli had watched Waldo for her but had dropped the cat off earlier, so now the air was filled with loud meows as Waldo twined around both their legs, demanding attention.
“Come in,” Mel said, heading down the hall toward the kitchen. “We should talk.”
Adam set her bag on the floor in the foyer then closed the door, bending to pick up Waldo before following her down the hall. His face was currently buried in her cat’s fur, so she couldn’t see his expression, but Mel felt ready to burst from her skin. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to him over the weekend about his past and about their future together and now was her last chance.
“Uh, can I get you something to drink?” she asked him.
“No, I’m good thanks.” He put Waldo down then took a seat at her island, the same place he’d been when they’d first made their deal.
The deal.
Her stomach flipped before sinking to her toes.
She pulled a can of ginger ale out then set it aside, not really thirsty. She wiped her damp palms on the legs of her jeans then took a deep breath for courage, knowing she needed to get this over with before she couldn’t anymore. “Listen, Adam. I?—”
“Deadline’s up,” he said, his tone oddly emotionless. “It’s all good.”
Mel frowned. “What? No. It’s not all good. I know something was bothering you at the reception and I’d like to know what it was.” She walked over to sit on the other stool in front of him, reaching out to put her hands on his forearms but stopping when he pulled back. Heart in her throat, she forced herself to continue. “You never talk about yourself, your past. You know that if something’s wrong or something triggered you, you can talk to me. Your mom left when you were little, right? James mentioned that once. That must have been horrible for you.”
“I really don’t want to talk about that,” he said, starting to slide off his stool but then realizing she blocked his path. A muscle ticked near his tense jaw. “I need to go, Mel.”
“No, you don’t,” she said, anger inching out her concern. “Why won’t you talk to me, Adam? If this is about your mom, you have nothing to be ashamed of. She made her choice to leave and?—”
“Stop it,” he growled. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Then tell me,” Mel pleaded. “Please. We can’t?—”
“Can’t what?” Adam asked, looking at her now and she wished he wouldn’t. Not with his dark eyes hard and full of pain. “Can’t be together? Well, that was never going to happen anyway, was it? Not with the deal we made. Not with me being…” He gestured toward himself like it was obvious. “It wouldn’t work Mel. Never could. That’s why I warned you at the start. I don’t do love. Because love doesn’t do me.”
Stunned, she blinked at him, the dots connecting in her head for the first time. “Adam, that’s not true. You are lovable, even if you think you’re not.”
“Yeah?” His tone had taken on a jagged edge that sliced straight through her. “Stop lying, Mel. You don’t love me. You might think you do, but that’s not real. I’m just the first guy you slept with, that’s all. It doesn’t mean anything. You’ll find someone else who’s better for you, who can give you all the things you need. Someone who isn’t me. This is over. We’re over. Goodbye.”
Those last words hung in the air, lethal as exploded grenades as he got up then and stalked down the hall, the front door slamming behind him with resounding finality.
This is over. We’re over. Goodbye.
Mel surprised numbness at his abrupt departure soon gave way to heartache and she pressed her hand against her chest as tears stung her eyes. Well, she should have expected that, shouldn’t she ?
He’s told her from the start not to fall for him and yet she’d gone ahead and done it anyway. She had no one to blame but herself. It was stupid to be upset now.
So, so stupid.
She got up and put the unopened can of ginger ale back in the fridge then leaned her back against it as Waldo meowed plaintively up at her as if sensing her pain.
God, I’m such a fool. A stupid, stupid fool.
Even with all the changes she’d made, even with her new clothes and new look, the guy had still left her behind in the dust. So much for her Pretty Woman fairy tale coming true.
The only way to lead an authentic, fulfilled life is to take risks. Battle those doubt demons. Your reward could be unexpected and beyond your wildest dreams.
Stupid Cosmo. She planned to burn that issue at the first opportunity. Just as soon as she found a way to keep functioning with her heart flayed open and left bleeding all over the floor.
Why hadn’t she believed him when he’d said at that start that he didn’t do love? Why hadn’t she stuck with their deal?
She slowly slid down until she was sitting on the floor, her tears finally falling as she went over his answer over and over run her mind. You’ll find someone better for you. Someone who isn’t me.
Except she didn’t want anyone else but Adam Foster. Never had.
And even if he didn’t want her back, he was it for her. She swiped a hand across her damp cheeks then pulled Waldo in for a hug.
I’m just the first guy you slept with.
True, but that didn’t mean that it hadn’t been special. Mel might’ve been a virgin but that didn’t mean she was completely inexperienced. She’d had orgasms on her own, but nothing had ever compared to the connection she felt with Adam during that pivotal moment.
She closed her eyes and remembered the night before, their last together. He’d been so intent, so careful, as if memorizing every detail of her in his mind so he could remember later. No way had it been just sex for him either, she’d bet her house on it. He refused to admit because…
I don’t do love because love doesn’t do me.
Because he was afraid. Her eyes opened at the realization. It was plain as day now. And she’d been right on track with what had happened with his mother too, though she’d gone about it all wrong. She shouldn’t have pushed him to reveal more than he was ready to. And now she’d driven him away, just like she’d done with every other guy she’d tried to date.
She had no one to blame but herself.
Seducing her bad boy, making her transformation, getting the life she thought she wanted had been an utter failure, because Mel had ended up being the one seduced in the end. By everything she thought would fulfill her but only ended up leaving her even more empty than before. Alone and sad and hurt beyond belief.
Worse, she’d left Adam wounded too.
Her spirits plummeted even more as she swiped away more tears, angrier at herself than anything. She was stronger than this, darn it. She’d been fine as she was before, and she would be again. They’d had a couple of amazing weeks together, but had been nothing but an illusion, and now it was over .
She’d go back to her library and her boring staid life and forget the rest. Maybe get that promotion she’d wanted. Life would go on.
No matter how impossible that seemed at present.
By Friday night, Adam felt like a hot mess. Literally. He swiped his hand across his sweaty forehead, then pulled at the neck of his T-shirt feeling like the thing was strangling him. He should’ve called off sick and let the rest of the Victory Vets guys pick up James at the airport in Indy, but that would’ve been a coward move, and Adam wasn’t a coward.
Not about most things, anyway.
Besides, he’d missed his best bud a lot and wanted to see him, even if they had an awkward conversation in front of them about what had happened with Adam and Mel. He’d thought about keeping it a secret still, but considering how well he and James knew each other, that wouldn’t work. James would know right away something was off with him.
Just like Mel did.
He shook off that unwanted thought. Must be a family trait.
He’d done his best not to think about Mel at all this past week, what had happened on Sunday night still too painful to poke at. Except somehow, after they’d picked up James, they’d ended up at the Tipsy Wench, and all Adam could picture was when he’d been there with Mel.
James kept watching him from across the table, giving him curious looks, but Adam wasn’t ready to tell him yet. Hell, he was still trying to understand what had happened with Mel himself.
Jag raised his bottle of ale in a toast. “To the last of us home safe!”
Adam relaxed his death grip on his seltzer water and forced himself to breathe. Jag was right; tonight was about the guys, a celebration of them all being together once more, safe and sound.
“Ya know, James,” Jag said, settling back in his seat. “Maybe one of these days, I’ll ask your sister out to lunch. If you don’t mind.”
James’s gaze never left Adam as he shrugged, “Why would I mind? It’s her business who she dates.”
“Cool, bro,” Jag said before butting into an argument between one of the other guys and Hollywood about a stunt scene in the latest racing movie at the theater.
Adam, however, felt anything but cool. In fact, heat had surged up inside him at the thought of Mel dating other people, especially someone from the garage. Which was so dumb because Adam had had his shot with her and turned it down. He had no claim on Mel anymore, despite the fact he’d lost his heart to her. For whatever that was worth.
He sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair.
What a mess he’d made of everything. As usual. Man, he could’ve really used a beer about now. But he was the designated driver for the group tonight, which was fine with him, since the last thing he needed was to get boozed up and get into a fight because he was hurt over this thing with Mel.
The band broke into a cover of a Guns N’ Roses song and everyone at the table got up to dance except him and James. Once they were alone, James scooted over into Jag’s vacant seat and leaned in to ask, “You going to tell me what’s bothering you?”
“Nothing’s bothering me, dude. Just tired, like I said.”
James snorted then took another drink of his ale, watching Adam far too closely for his comfortable. “You are seriously the worst liar ever.”
“I’m not lying,” Adam said defensively.
“You just don’t want to talk about it.”
“No, I don’t.” Scowling, Adam sat forward to rest his elbows on the scarred tabletop. “Can you please just drop it?”
James shook his head, chuckling. “Never thought I’d live to see the day.”
Adam growled. “What day?”
“The day you finally fell in love.”
He felt like the earth vanished from beneath his feet, and he gripped the edge of the table. Was he that obvious? Christ, he hoped not. Otherwise, all this pain he’d put himself through, keeping this thing with Mel and him in the shadows, sneaking around for weeks, was for naught.
“Who is it?’ James asked after a few beats. “Someone I know?”
“What? No.” Though Mel’s name clawed up his throat and nearly escaped before Adam bit it back. He didn’t love Mel. Couldn’t, shouldn’t love Mel. He wasn’t right for her. She deserved so much better than him. He started to stand, needed to move, get some space to work through all this. “I’m getting another water. Want anything?”
James shook his head, waiting until Adam’s back was to him to say, “It’s Mel, isn’t it? ”
Adam nearly tripped over his own feet, catching himself on the back of a chair before he toppled to the floor in shock. He turned back to his best friend, hoping his guilt wasn’t written all over his face. “Why would you?—”
“I didn’t think that.” James shrugged. “Not for sure anyway. But thanks for confirming my suspicions.”
Feeling like all the bones in his body had turned to jelly, Adam slumped back down in his chair, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry, James. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was helping her with this crazy project she had. She wanted to change herself, said she was tired of who she was and wanted to be someone different.” He left out the virginity part because, well, that was a bit much for best friends to discuss, especially when one of them was Mel’s older brother. Still, an odd mix of relief and remorse popped inside him like an overfilled balloon. “I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t.” He exhaled slow. “But it doesn’t matter now anyway because it’s over.”
James looked surprised by that. “She broke up with you?”
He shook his head. “No. I did it. I knew there was no future in it, so I let her go.”
“Why was there no future in it?” James asked, frowning.
Adam gave a derisive snort. “Seriously?” He gestured toward himself. “You know my reputation, dude. I’m not made for relationships.”
His best friend seemed to take that in a moment as the band switched to a Bon Jovi classic. The rest of their group stayed out on the floor, singing along with the lyrics about living on prayers. Adam could relate.
“Let’s talk about your reputation,” James said after a while .
“Can we not?” Adam shook his head and downed the rest of his seltzer.
“You’ve always wanted everyone to think you’re a player,” James said, ignoring Adam’s comment. “But you’re not. Not really.”
Adam gave him an incredulous stare. “I dated four women at once in high school.”
“Dated is an overstatement,” James said. “Had sex with them is more accurate, and they knew the score. You weren’t shady about it.”
“I did not have a foursome, James.”
“My point exactly,” James countered. “You were a serial dater, but you weren’t a player. A player would have used whoever he was with to do whatever he wanted. He would’ve pitted all those women against each other, gone behind their backs, maybe even had that foursome, if it made you happy. But you didn’t. You just refused to get tied down. Why is that?”
Adam did not want to get into that. Not here, not now. But with his best bud staring him down across the table and the cover band switching to a classic Journey power anthem that had everyone crowding around their table and making a quick escape all but impossible, Adam felt he had little choice.
He shook his head. “You know why, man.”
For the first time, James looked genuinely confused. “No, I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.”
“Look at me, James,” Adam said. “I’m a mess. I can’t commit to anyone, I live in a rundown shack, and I have five dollars in my savings account. My family is dead, and when they were alive they weren’t exactly Leave It to Beaver. You met my dad. He was scary on a good day. My mom left us because she couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want any part of me either, if I could get away from me. That can’t be the kind of man you want your sister involved with. I don’t deserve her.”
James sat there for a long time, just blinking at him. So long, in fact that Adam began to squirm a little in his seat. Finally, James took a deep breath then asked, “Do you love her?”
“It doesn’t matter if I love Mel or not,” he grumbled.
“I think it’s the only thing that matters,” James countered. “Look, I’m sure that whatever I say to you right now won’t make a difference. You seem set on seeing yourself as inferior, but dude, you’re one of the best people I know.” Adam opened his mouth to argue, but James held up a hand, stopping him. “Let me finish. Now, that’s not to say you don’t have your faults. You’re opinionated, cocky, and your wardrobe choices could stand a bit of variety. Plus, I’m getting really tired of constantly having to cheer your grumpy butt up. But… you genuinely care about and want the best for people and you never judge anyone. You accepted me when I came out, no questions asked, and never once treated me any differently. That meant the world to me, Adam. And regardless of your past, being a strong, kind person in this day and age is a miracle. My sister would be lucky to have you as her partner, and we’d be lucky to add you to our family, bro. You need to talk to Mel and work this out.” Then he stood and put his ale down on the table as the cover band launched into the classic YMCA. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have a queer fest for a second before I burst.”
Adam sat at the table alone, watching his friends party and laugh and dance, the word ‘lucky’ pinballing around inside his head. He’d been lucky to find these people, lucky to have their support after growing up with none. He’d been lucky to have Mel too, however briefly.
He missed her more every day, the ache growing into his chest until it felt like a gaping wound, pounding in time with his pulse.
My sister would be lucky to have you as her partner, and we’d be lucky to add you to our family, bro.
His whole life, he’d always wanted to be loved and accepted and James had just offered him that on a silver platter, but Adam still couldn’t process it all. Couldn’t believe it was true.
Was he making a mistake, walking away from Mel now? Was he using his own insecurities as an excuse to run away?
He’d been a lot of things in his life, but a coward wasn’t one of them. Maybe James was right. Maybe he did need to talk to Mel one last time and explain why them being together was a bad idea. Make her understand. Remind himself too.
They’d both be at the party tomorrow, and while Adam didn’t want to ruin her birthday, perhaps it was the best time to get it all out in the open once and for all.