Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
M el was up early on Saturday, unable to sleep much the night before. Then again, she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since the night Adam had told her it was over.
Waldo was curled into a ball near her feet while Mel sipped her tea, dressed in an old, familiar pink twinset and plain black pants. They were comfortable and helped ground her in a world that felt suddenly precarious.
Through the window above the sink across from her she saw a lovely sunrise developing, all bright purples and golds. Normally, she loved the colors and sense of optimism it brought, but today she took little joy in the dawn, nor the fact it was her twenty-fifth birthday.
The deadline. Her stupid deadline.
She’d had such high hopes for a lasting transformation in her life when she’d started this whole thing, and now she was left with nothing but questions and heartache .
With a sigh, she opened her phone and checked her calendar. Her schedule was full for the day, with Lilly coming over this morning to have a private celebration, then later the big party at her parents’ house. It was good, she supposed, staying busy. Kept her from sitting around moping and stewing over what had happened with Adam.
Well, more than she already was, anyway.
At least her interview for the promotion at work had gone well. She’d had her second meeting with the hiring committee over Zoom and they all seemed to like her very much. There was just one more step left before the hiring decision was made and it involved an in-person interview next month. She’d find out if she was chosen for that last step next week.
Mel frowned and glanced at the digital clock on her stove when a knock sounded on the front door. It was barely six a.m. Who would be out this early? Not Lilly. Getting her best friend up before ten on a weekend was a miracle.
When the knock sounded again, Mel’s heart jumped into her throat. Nothing good could come from a visitor this early. It was like a phone call in the middle of the night. Weird and unsettling and almost always the bearer of bad news.
For a fleeting second she wondered if it was Adam, but quickly dismissed the idea. It wouldn’t be him; he couldn’t have been clearer in cutting ties with her last Sunday.
Not to mention he hadn’t so much as texted the whole week, so…
I’m just the first guy you slept with, that’s all. It doesn’t mean anything.
Trouble was, it meant way more than nothing to her .
Maybe she was just as naive as everyone seemed to think she was.
The knocking continued, growing more persistent each second, and Mel finally slid off her stool, careful not to step on Waldo as she walked to the front foyer to answer. Whatever awaited her on the other side of that door she’d face as best she could, because she was a strong, capable woman. Always had been.
If anything, this whole messy situation with Adam had taught her that, at least. She might not want to go on without him, but she would.
She pulled the door open to find Lilly there. Huh.
“Morning, bestie,” Lilly said, holding a bag of pastries in one hand, a holder with two Venti coffees in the other, and looking far more alert than Mel had ever seen her at this hour. “Your emergency caffeine-and-sugar infusion has arrived.”
Mel blinked at her retreating back as she walked down the hall to the kitchen, thinking she’d need two of whatever Lilly had consumed to get through this day. Hours of acting cheerful and happy while crying inside loomed in front of her and it was almost enough to have Mel crawling back into bed and staying there for days.
While Lilly fussed around the kitchen with the stuff she brought, pulling out a plate for the pastries, along with silverware and napkins, Mel sank back onto her stool and contemplated her bleak future as the town’s spinster cat lady. There wasn’t enough coffee and sugar in the world for that kind of torture.
“Hey, now,” Lilly said, taking the stool beside hers and nudged Mel with her shoulder. “I know you feel like crap right now, but sitting around brooding won’t help anything.” She pushed Mel’s mug of herbal tea out of the way and replaced it with a steaming cup of joe from the local roaster and a homemade glazed doughnut on a napkin, then added a bear claw nearly as big as Mel’s head. “This seems like a two-roll kind of emergency.”
“I’m not hungry.” Mel dropped her head into her hands, covering her face. “I just want this day to be over with. My life is over.”
Waldo meowed loudly, wanting his breakfast too, and Lilly got up to get it for him. “Don’t be silly. Maybe things didn’t work out with Adam, but you’ll meet someone else.”
“I don’t want to meet anyone else, Lilly,” Mel said. “That’s the problem. I know you warned me, but I went and fell for him anyway.”
Lilly set Waldo’s food on the floor for him, then took her seat again, putting an arm around Mel. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
Mel sobbed into her shoulder, feeling like an idiot. “I thought he’d changed. I thought he cared for me too. But he said I just felt that way because he was the first guy I slept with. He doesn’t think he’s good enough for me.”
“Well, he’s an idiot then,” Lilly said, rubbing her back then offering Mel a paper napkin to blow her nose in. “Sex is different for men.”
“Gee, thanks. That explains it all.” Mel blew her nose then swiped the back of her hand across her damp cheeks. “I’ve had a crush on him since high school.”
“I know that too. And so did he.”
“Oh, great.” Mel thew her hands up, exasperated. “No wonder he thinks I’m pathetic. ”
“Did he say you were pathetic?” Lilly scowled.
Mel huffed out a breath. “No. He said I was wonderful, actually.”
“Good.” Lilly ate a bite of her own doughnut. “Because otherwise I’d have to kick his butt at the party later and that would just be embarrassing for everyone. So, he thinks you’re wonderful, but he can’t be with you. Why?”
“Like I said, he doesn’t think he’s good enough.” Mel shrugged, sniffling. “And no matter what I said, he wouldn’t believe me.”
Lilly nodded, then was quiet for a beat or two before saying, “Sometimes it’s hard, believing the good things people say about you, especially when all you’ve heard growing up is the bad.”
Mel toyed with the napkin in her hands, wincing on behalf of her friend. “I know his childhood wasn’t good. James talked about it a couple of times. His dad was pretty awful.”
“His dad was an alcoholic and abusive,” Lilly said, after swallowing a gulp of latte. “After his mom ran off, Adam was left to take the brunt of that. I remember child protective services showing up at his house a couple of times after his dad got arrested and thrown in jail for public indecency.”
“Oh, wow.” Mel frowned. “I don’t remember that stuff.”
“We were pretty young then, but my house was closer to his than yours was back then.” Lilly shrugged, polishing off the last bite of her doughnut before continuing. “Adam had to grow up fast and learn to take care of himself because no one else was around to do it for him. And unless he wanted to get shipped off into foster care, he had to cover for his dad too. So he did. But growing up with that kind of trauma doesn’t exactly lend itself to having a healthy self-image.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” Mel said, still processing everything she’d just learned. She’d always suspected there was a lot more going on beneath Adam’s surface, even back in high school. That his slick exterior covered something dark and deeply painful, but he’d never once opened up to her. Not even recently when they’d been together. Knowing Adam, it was a combination of him being embarrassed about what happened and also wanting to protect her.
I don’t do love because love doesn’t do me.
Did Adam really believe he wasn’t deserving of her love?
The thought broke her heart.
“People like Adam who’ve been through so much, they build up defenses, stay guarded, keep people from getting too close because to them being vulnerable means getting hurt.” Lilly wiped her mouth then turned slightly to face Mel. “But I will say that I’ve never seen him open up as much with anyone as he did with you the past few weeks. If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think he was happy.”
Mel took a huge bite of doughnut, not caring about the flecks of sugar falling on her front as she chewed. “He was happy, I think. We both were. But then he got scared, when we went to that wedding in Chicago. Something must’ve spooked him. Or maybe it just showed him what he felt like he could never have. After that is when he ended things.”
As she ate her doughnut then half her bear claw without really tasting them, Mel ran back through their time together, now seeing it in a different light based on the information Lilly had given her about Adam’s childhood. The day at the mall when she’d had her hair and makeup done, then they’d gone shopping. The night he’d taken her to the Tipsy Wench, then they’d made love the first time afterward. The wedding weekend in Chicago. Where she’d seen only joy and discovery and possibilities for the future, Adam must’ve been reminded over and over of his past and things he thought he didn’t deserve.
“I’m so stupid,” Mel groaned, feeling awful about it all. “It’s all my fault.”
“Sweetie, you didn’t know.” Lilly handed her another napkin as Mel’s tears started anew. “Plus, Adam is a grown adult now. Everyone eventually has to take responsibility and fight back if they want things to get better. You can’t change him or make him want it. That has to come from him. Just like your transformation had to come from you.”
Mel blinked at her best friends. Lilly could be vapid and shallow and flighty sometimes, especially when it came to men, but then other times she was so profound it took Mel’s breath away. That’s why she loved her so much.
“So, how do we get past this?” Mel asked, rubbing her now pounding temples. “Can we get past this?”
At least Waldo seemed content now, his plump, fluffy body stretched out beside the island in a post-meal food coma. Silence stretched between them.
“You can get past anything, if you both want to.” Lilly’s expression turned thoughtful. “Having James home might actually help your situation. He and Adam are close, and he’ll give Adam someone to talk to about all this. I know confiding in my bestie always helps me.”
“Maybe.” Mel shifted on her stool, taking a deep breath. “ But they’re also partners in Victory Vets and Adam might worry about messing that up too. I know he mentioned it when he was helping me. His whole life is that garage now, and he doesn’t want to lose it.”
Lilly scoffed. “C’mon. We both know James won’t let that happen.”
“True. He loves that place as much as Adam.” Mel smiled for the first time in days. “Are you sure Adam’s coming to the party this afternoon?”
“Where else would he be?” Lilly asked, giving Mel an incredulous look. “The garage is closed in honor of James’s homecoming, so unless he wants to sit home alone in that box of a house of his, he’ll be there. What time are you due at your parents’ house?”
Mel glanced at the clock again. “Noon. Why?”
“Well, you need to get ready,” Lilly said, heading toward Mel’s bedroom.
“I am ready.”
“Uh, no. You’re not.” Lilly shook her head. “I thought you burned those twinsets.”
“I did not!” Mel fussed with her sweater. “These are perfectly good clothes.”
“Maybe if you’re ninety.” Lilly yanked open her closet doors and began going through her things. “Seriously, Mel. Don’t let this whole ordeal be for naught. Let’s get you glammed up and win you the man you love.”
“But—” Mel dug in her heels as her best friend grabbed her arm to yank her forward. “I thought you said you can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to.”
“No one’s forcing anything,” Lilly said as she tugged off Mel’s cardigan and tossed it on the bed behind them. “You’re just going to show Adam what’s he’s missing.”
“Pretty sure he’s already well aware of that,” Mel grumbled as Lilly tugged her into the bathroom.
“We’ll see about that.” Lilly jammed on the shower then returned to the door. “Take a nice hot shower while I pick out a new outfit for you.”
“But I already took a shower,” Mel called as the door started closing behind Lilly.
Lilly stuck her head back in and gave her a quick once-over, then shook her head. “Nope. Definite do over. Go!”
Mel was too exhausted to argue anymore and even she had to admit the warm water felt nice. As she stood under the spray, letting it soothe away her aches and pains from another sleepless night, she wished she didn’t have to go to the party. Wished she could go back and never forced Adam to make that deal with her. Not because he hadn’t helped her but because he had. So much, despite his own pain. She’d been so selfish and blind to what he must’ve been going through. Granted, she had tried to talk to him about it, but he’d closed her off. Unfortunately, she wasn’t sure how to get past his walls now, or even if he wanted her to. Which meant she had to go to the party this afternoon to see him.
She had to talk to Adam about all this, once and for all.
Adam sat in the office at Victory Vets on Saturday morning, staring at the blank white wall across from him and wondering exactly when his life had gotten so out of control .
Since the place was closed today, he thought he’d get some work done in the office, catch up on the unopened mail and bookkeeping that had gotten away from him the past few weeks since he’d been busy with Mel.
Mel.
His chest ached from missing her, but he forced his attention back to the stack of receipts and ledgers in front of him. Better to think about that than how his head throbbed because he’d had too much to drink the night before.
Growing up with an alcoholic father should’ve been enough to warn him off booze forever, and up until the last couple of days it had been—except for the occasional ale when he went out socially—but not now apparently.
God, what a freaking mess.
James had been blowing up his phone since the other night, asking if he was okay, but Adam wasn’t ready to get into it with him again.
He exhaled slowly and scrubbed a hand over his face, the rough stubble on his jaw scratching his palm. The best thing for him to do right now was put Mel out of his head and his heart and move the hell on. He’d made his choice and now he had to live with it.
Like at the party today. He didn’t want to go. Had seriously considered getting out of town so he didn’t have to go, but then James would probably send the state police searching for him and it would become a whole thing and Adam didn’t need anything else to deal with, so he stayed. And waited. Like a condemned man on death row.
He loved the Bryants. Always had. But their happiness and perfect family felt like salt in a wound today. From the first time he’d met them as a kid, they’d taken him in as one of their own, rallying around him in times of trouble, always having his back.
But now, after lying to them for weeks about what was going on with Mel, then having James call him out last night about it all (truthfully, but still), it was just too much.
He shook his head and glanced at his reflection in the mirror on the wall beside him, cringing. Man, if he was going to be around Mel’s parents later, he really needed to do a better job of hiding his feelings about her because right now they were written all over his haggard face, what with the soulful eyes and the dark circles beneath them. He looked like one of those sad clown kid paintings, which was not what you wanted to bring to a joyous celebration.
Here lies the heart of Adam Foster. Gone but not forgotten.
With a sigh, he sat back and opened his top desk drawer, pulling out a small black box with a gold-gilt logo atop it from the jewelry store in the lobby of their fancy hotel in Chicago. He opened it and stared at the golden heart pendant with its lone sparkling diamond inside. Man, if that didn’t scream how far gone he was, nothing would.
He’d bought it the morning of the wedding, thinking he’d give it to Mel to wear at the reception, as sort of graduation present for all she’d accomplished. But then she’d kicked him out so she could change and he’d gone on ahead downstairs before her, and…
I don’t do love and love doesn’t do me either.
Growing up he’d clung to those cheesy shows on TV with their happily-ever-afters, thinking someday he’d find that himself. But the older he got, the more he knew that wasn’t true. Love was for the good people, the worthy people. Not for poor suckers like him.
Then Mel had come along with her adoring looks and puppy dog loyalty toward him and he hadn’t known what to do with that. He closed his eyes and remembered her following him around and how he’d felt ten feet tall whenever she was around. And even though he’d never had admitted it back then, he’d treasured that more than any other gift she could’ve given him. With Mel he’d felt like someone, like he mattered. So, when she’d asked him to help her a few weeks ago, of course he’d send yes. It had never really been a question that he would, regardless of what he’d told himself at the time. It was like she’d always seen past his carefully cultivated bad boy exterior, to the real, flawed, vulnerable, wounded man beneath and she loved him anyway. She’d made him feel good and true and worthy.
She’d made him feel like maybe someday he could actually be the guy she always thought he was.
He sighed and opened his eyes, closing the jewel box in his hands.
All that was shot to crap now, and he’d fired the bullet himself.
You don’t love me. You might think you do, but that’s not real. I’m just the first guy you slept with, that’s all. It doesn’t mean anything. You’ll find someone else who’s better for you, who can give you all the things you need. Someone who isn’t me.
For those few brief weeks with her, he’d glimpsed what his future might have been if he wasn’t so screwed up. For that, and for all the wonderful moments they’d spent together, he’d be eternally grateful.
He supposed that was the real reason he’d bought that necklace for her. As a symbol of what they’d shared. And now it sat on his desk, looking as forlorn as he felt.
The sound of a key scraping in the lock on the entrance door across the garage jarred him out of his pity party and had him leaning slightly to see who was coming in. Probably Jag. That guy always seemed to forget something here at work…
“Jag? That you?” He called as footsteps drew closer. Then James stuck his head in the office. “We need to talk.”
If that wasn’t the understatement of the century, Adam didn’t know what was. Still, he wasn’t really in the mood for a chat at present. “Any chance we can do this later? I’m not feeling the best right now.”
“I can see that,” James said, plopping down in the chair across the desk from Adam. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you and Mel.”
Great. That made two of them.
Adam let his head fall back, and he looked up at the ceiling as his gut twisted tight. “Look, in case I didn’t make it clear the other night, I never meant for it to happen. She came to me one night with the makeover idea and the lessons on flirting, and I knew if I hadn’t helped her, she would’ve recruited someone else, and I didn’t want her to get hurt, so I said yes. And I ended up hurting her myself. But what choice did I have? She can’t end up with some guy like me, James. You know that.”
He felt raw and achy and way too vulnerable. Ever since he’d been a kid, he kept his back to the wall, never letting anyone too close, never letting his guard down. Except with Mel. And James. They were the only people he ever felt totally comfortable with. He trusted them.
James gave a long-suffering sigh, shaking his head. “Dude, I don’t know that at all. Which part of our conversation the other night did you not understand? I can’t imagine anyone I’d want with my sister more. And you love her. I know you do. I can see it all over that sappy look on your face.”
Adam scowled and looked away. “Well, it doesn’t matter how I feel anymore because it’s over. I ended it. She’s free to move on to the next lucky guy and I can get back to my regular life again. The end.”
James snorted. “The end, huh? Have you ever met Mel? Once she makes up her mind about something, no way is she letting it go. And that includes you, buddy.”
His phone buzzed and he glanced at the screen to see a calendar reminder about the party that afternoon. He should’ve gotten on his bike and ridden until he ran out of gas, then spent the night far away from Point Beacon, far away from Mel, far away from his past and his heartache and all his mistakes.
He’d lost count of the number of times he’d picked up his phone to call Mel, then stopped. He’d even gone so far as to stroll up the street on his lunch break, past the library, just to try and catch a glimpse of her through the windows. It was silly, since he knew it would never work between them. Still, his heart squeezed tight with regret.
Adam glanced across the desk to see James still watching him, his gaze narrowed now and his expression unreadable. Whatever he had in mind now, Adam doubted he had the energy for it. He’d never felt so low and that was saying something for a kid who used to get beaten up every day at school because of where he lived and how he lived. He’d battled one thing or another for most of his life, and he was so damned tired of fighting.
“Can we please drop this?” Adam asked, weary to his bones.
“No. We can’t.” James said, sitting forward. “Because the two people I care most for in this world are hurting. You’re my business partner and my best friend. When I first came out you were the first person who welcomed me with open arms, no judgment, no questions. And Mel’s my sister. We’re blood. I won’t let either of you ruin your lives because you’re too stubborn or blind to see the truth.”
“What truth?” Adam asked before he could stop himself.
“That love isn’t something you earn. It’s a gift, freely given, and if you’re lucky enough to find it then hang on tight and never let go.” James took a deep breath, staring down at the desktop. “After you got sent home from deployment, there was a firefight, outside one of the villages near our base camp. We’d gone there to patrol the area.” He closed his eyes. “The enemy snipers came out of nowhere. It was pitch black. We barely had time to take cover. Three guys didn’t make it.” His breath caught, and he swallowed hard. “All I could think about, huddled in the dark, scared out of my mind, was everyone back here in Point Beacon. About my family, and you, and Victory Vets. And I vowed to protect it all with everything I had.”
Startled, Adam blinked at him, taking that in. “A firefight? Why didn’t you tell me?”
James sat back, giving a sad little snort. “Because I didn’t want anyone to worry. I’m Mr. Perfect around here, right? It should take more than one little gun battle to shake my soul. Except that night I nearly lost it. Talk about shellshocked.”
“Oh man. I’m so sorry.” Adam leaned forward resting his forearms on the desk. “You should cut yourself some slack. And I hate to tell you this, James, but you’re not perfect. No one is. Your reaction to that firefight was the normal one. Trauma is trauma.”
James cocked his head. “True. So doesn’t that apply to you as well?”
Those words set Adam back a few paces. “What?”
“You heard me. Trauma is trauma. Your reaction to what happened to you as a kid made you who you are today, but you can change. Will it be easy? No. But nothing worthwhile is.” He stared out the window beside the desk. “But you’re the best man I know, Adam. You’re my brother by choice. The fact you’ve spent your life thinking you’re less than dirt hurts me because I know it’s not true. You’ve had my back more times than I can count. You work harder than anyone I know, and you’re loyal to a fault. And if you’re making me say all these nice things to you and then you don’t make up with Mel? I’ll kick your ass.”
Given the absurdity of the conversation, Adam couldn’t help but laugh. “I do love Mel. More than anything. But it’s up to her if she wants me back.”
“Right.” James stood and came around the desk to pull Adam into a quick bro hug before he could react. “Welcome to the family. For real this time.”
“Uh…” He coughed once James let him go, uncomfortable as his mind began swirling again, from joy or overwhelm this time, he wasn’t sure. “Thanks, but we still don’t know what she’s going to say.”
Maybe James was right. Maybe his past didn’t have to equal his future. Maybe he could change.
Mel had been a ray of pure light in his dreary life, and he’d do anything to get her back. Even become the man she thought he was, a man she could be proud of. Honestly, he’d gladly slay any dragon, no matter how difficult or painful, as long as Mel was by his side.
“You’re coming to the party later, right?” James asked from the doorway.
“Yep.” Adam nodded. He had a lot to think about and a lot of plans to make before then though. “I’ll see you then.”