Chapter 30 Gwen
GWEN
Istill couldn’t quite figure out why I was dragging my feet about hiring an assistant.
I’d interviewed five people who were supremely qualified, and I’d gotten along with all of them to the point where I could already envision how well we’d work together.
But I had this inexplicable block that I chalked up to decision fatigue.
Too many strong choices and not enough brainpower to make the call. I’d think about it tomorrow.
Which was exactly what I’d said the day before.
I was still weighing pros and cons as I trudged down the hallway to my apartment. I pulled my keys from my purse but froze as I got closer. My front door was cracked open, and I could hear loud voices and pounding from inside.
Maybe Sarah had gotten home a few hours earlier than expected and was hosting a party that included stress-relieving demolition? Because the sounds seeping into the hallway were alarming as hell.
“Um, hello?” I called as I pushed the door open.
The air was hazy with dust.
That’s when I saw the smashed countertop leaning against the wall in the entryway.
My heart started beating out of my chest. Who was trashing my place?
And why? Even if thieves had broken in, why the hell would they go after my piece-of-crap countertop?
I stormed in, more pissed off than scared now.
I froze when I saw the two men struggling to place a new countertop where the old one had been.
A new marble countertop.
“Who are you and what are you doing in my apartment?” I screamed.
They didn’t answer me as they huffed and puffed to maneuver the counter into position. Once it was where it belonged, the white-haired guy who looked to be at least sixty finally acknowledged me.
“Cyrus the super let us in. We’re just gettin’ started, hon.”
He pointed to the dim common area behind me, and when I turned around, I saw the new glass-front refrigerator, jaw-dropping roquefort blue La Cornue CornuFé 110 Range, and stainless-steel dishwasher.
I had to ask the question even though I already knew the answer.
“Where did all of this come from?”
“Dunno, hun, we’re just doing our job.”
“Ey, la nota,” his partner said, pointing at the envelope on the counter.
“Oh yeah, Cyrus left that for you. Might have some answers there.”
I grabbed it and squeezed through the new appliances to get to the window, so at least I could feel sunshine on my face as I navigated what Harrison Ashford had to say for himself. I took a deep breath before opening the envelope.
Gwen,
I came into your life and made it more difficult in so many ways, and for that I apologize. Please consider this gesture a small way to make your life easier, and more importantly, to bring you joy. Here’s to all the sourdough and quiche you can handle.
Truly,
Harrison
I leaned my forehead against the glass as I processed what it all meant.
Obviously, it was generous. I didn’t even want to try to tally the cost of the improvements, because the oven alone probably retailed for over ten thousand dollars. And as gestures went, it was sweet. Harrison had considered what was important to me and delivered it gift-wrapped and stress-free.
So why did it all feel hollow?
I thought back to my breakfast conversation with my dad. Would he consider the gesture a real, genuine grovel? Maybe at first, sure, but once I peeled back the layers for him, I knew he’d agree with me, and his answer would be a big, fat no.
I looked around at the chaos. It was going to turn my crappy little kitchen into a work of art.
I could already see how the improvements were going to transform what and how I baked.
At the very least, I needed to thank the man for his creative gift.
A text or email felt impersonal. While I had no desire to talk to him, I knew only a phone call would do.
I dialed, hoping he’d be too busy to pick up.
“Gwen,” he answered after the first ring, like he’d been waiting for the call. “Hello.”
The great Harrison Ashford sounded…nervous?
“Hi. Your gift is unbelievable. Absolutely beyond. Thank you.”
“Does it all fit? Because I had to engineer the whole thing from memory.”
I glanced at where the men were now sliding the gorgeous new range into the spot where the old one had been.
“Looks like it, yeah. Pretty impressive you could guesstimate that accurately.”
“It was a calculated risk, but it was totally worth it. How does it look?”
“Right now, messy as hell, but I can see where it’s headed. It’s an incredible upgrade. Who knows, I might quit the PR hustle and start baking full-time.”
He laughed. “Please don’t. The drugged-up athletes and messy starlets need you.”
We both went quiet.
“All of that stuff is an apology for my behavior,” Harrison finally said. “I really am sorry, Gwen.”
My heart pinched at the sincerity in his voice. It made it even harder to say what I knew I needed to say, in spite of my new million-dollar kitchen.
“I appreciate all of it, Harrison. It’s too much, which is sort of the point I want to make.”
“Nothing is too much if it makes you happy,” he said quickly, as if he could sense where the conversation was headed and wanted to cut it off at the pass.
I took a deep breath before speaking. “Harrison, I know that you like trying to fix things, but I don’t appreciate being treated like a problem your magic wallet will solve.”
“Hold on, Gwen, no, you were never the problem. I was. You always deserved better than what I was offering you. I froze you out because I was scared.”
I frowned at my reflection in the window. Harrison admitting that he was scared was huge, but it still didn’t get to the heart of the issue.
“Thank you for saying that.”
“Well, it’s true. I’m glad you called, because I want to figure this out. I’m hoping you’ll give us another chance. Me another chance,” he corrected himself.
I paced in a tight circle, fighting what my heart was trying to convince me to say. This was so close to what I’d wanted to hear him say from the moment he’d walked out my door…but it still didn’t quite hit the mark.
He knew he was wrong, but he hadn’t said anything about how he was going to change. And without change, I knew we’d end up right back in the same problem down the road. I wasn’t willing to risk the pain again. I took a deep breath.
“Harrison, your gift is wonderful, but it doesn’t change a thing between us.
” My voice cracked, but I pushed on. “We could try again, sure, and it would be amazing for a while. We both know that. But when life happens and things get too stressful or emotional, I don’t know for sure that you’d be there for me.
The way you reacted after my accident really hurt me. ”
I took a breath. “And it sort of feels like this kitchen reno is a different version of the same vibe; it’s an incredible gesture, but it’s hollow.
I needed you in that moment, and you kept yourself at a distance from me.
You gave me stuff, you bought me food, but I could barely get you to hug me, and holy shit that hurt.
More than the shattered glass and airbag to the face. ”
“Gwen, I’m sorry, I—”
“Let me finish, please,” I begged, because I could feel my resolve slipping at the pain in his voice.
“It’s easy to throw money at a problem, but if you don’t sort out the issues underneath it all, it’s like putting frosting on a burnt cake.
It sure looks pretty, but once you cut a little deeper, you see that there’s nothing worth saving. ”
My hands were shaky, and I felt lightheaded. It was a test of my willpower, like Harrison was a drug my body was desperate to have despite what my brain was telling it.
“Throwing gifts at me…that’s easy. The issue is, I’m just not sure you can give me what I actually need in a relationship. And I’m not willing to take the chance with my heart again.”
He blew out a long breath. My honesty had knocked him off balance. “Gwen…”
I knew better than to hope that he’d beg me to change my mind or get choked up admitting that he had work to do on himself.
“I don’t know what else to say.” His sigh sounded strained, like it hurt.
I squeezed my eyes shut before a tear could slide out.
“Then I’ll say it for both of us: it’s over.”
The line went silent for so long that I thought he might’ve hung up. After all, how often was Harrison told “no”?
“Is that what you really want?”
I wanted to scream, “No, you idiot!” but it wouldn’t matter. Harrison was who he was, and that didn’t seem likely to change.
“Yes. It is. I hope you understand.”
“I can’t say that I do, but I’ll respect your wishes.”
His response convinced me that I’d made the right choice. I’d explained my feelings so clearly, and he still wasn’t getting it.
“I understand if you want to take the appliances back. They’re not all installed or anything; it’ll be easy.”
“Gwen, no,” he sounded disgusted by the thought of retaking his gift. “Those are all for you.”
“Okay. Thank you.” My voice was getting shakier, so I cleared my throat. “I guess this is goodbye.”
“Mm-hmm.”
I could tell by his abbreviated answer that I wasn’t the only one feeling raw.
“Bye, Harrison.”
I paused for a moment to see if he had anything left to say, and when the line stayed silent, I hung up and let the tears fall. I was hidden behind the refrigerator in my living room, so the workers couldn’t see me as my heart broke in two.
“What the hell is going on in here?”
The loud voice echoing over the installation noise made me jump.
“Sarah?” I called out. “You’re home!”
I quickly swiped beneath my eyes and squeezed through the mess to wrap her in a hug. She managed to catch a glimpse of my face before I dropped my head onto her shoulder and squeezed her.
“What’s all of this, and why are you crying? I’m so confused. Did I see a blue stove in our kitchen?”
I choked out a laugh. “Yeah, you did.”
She pulled back, grasping my shoulders and staring at my face. “And what’s with the waterworks? You don’t like the blue?”
My chin trembled as I tried to hold back the ocean of tears. “Um, a lot has happened since you left. I didn’t want to burden you with it while you were away, since I know how intense your trips can be.”
“I’m so confused,” she shook her head. “Are things not good with Harrison? Is this some sort of consolation prize or something?”
“That wasn’t his intention but yeah, I guess it turns out that it is.”
An incredibly annoying drill fired up in the kitchen, drowning out our attempts at a catch-up.
“Okay, this isn’t going to work,” Sarah said. “I want a full download of everything I missed, so let’s go down to the beach.”
I nodded. Maybe it would feel better talking about the many ways Harrison had hurt me with the waves lapping at my toes?
“C’mon,” Sarah said as she grabbed my hand. “We’ll tackle this together. And remember, no matter what, we’ll always have each other.”
I squeezed her hand and felt a tiny bit better.