30. Emi
I’d hoped Wolf would ask me to stay, but I should have known better. My role was done, the curse was broken, and he was free to do as he pleased. There was no reason he’d want me to stay with him. For clouds’ sake, I didn’t even know where he wanted to go. He’d been quiet and withdrawn ever since I woke after burning out my magic, the space between us becoming brittle. It felt like an ending. So with no reason to burden anyone with my presence any longer, and now that it was safe to go, I set out home.
The sky above us might be different, but when I reached Baines Upon Bracken Ridge, it was exactly the same. Mrs. Blueheart—mother to the name-calling, nosy Nolan—scooped up her yappy terrier and eyed me warily as I strode past her to my front walk. Before, I would have felt shame, but I felt nothing. If she called me a witch now, she’d be right.
I’d left this house a na?ve, timid girl, but I was returning as someone else entirely. Yet in many ways, nothing had changed. Much as I was now a witch, a world-traveler, and a friend to shifters and criminals alike, I was still Emi, the girl nobody wanted to keep around. I swallowed past the painful lump and refused to cry. No one here deserved my tears.
I’d thought Wolf was different, but in the end, here I was again—transformed like the sky above, but as unchanged as the streets beneath it.
Closing the front door behind me with more force than I would have dared before, I followed the sound of shuffling to find my father emerging from the kitchen with a cup of tea. It was the time of day I would normally have made it for him and taken it to his office to make sure he wasn’t working too hard.
He looked up at my approach. I looked back at him.
Wasn’t my father taller than me? He’d always felt bigger before, like I had to look up to him…had to live up to him. But now his hazel eyes met mine at the same level. I gazed back.
“Oh. Emi. There you are.”
That was all he said before he shuffled past me to the half staircase that led to his office. The door snicked shut behind him, and I was left in silence.
I stood there and waited for the feelings of inadequacy to crush me. I’d been gone a whole moon, one that had felt like a lifetime, and all I got was, “Oh, there you are.” I expected pain and longing. Instead, I felt hollow.
No, not entirely. A simmering anger brewed. This wasn’t a family. I’d seen what that was now, and this farce wasn’t even close. Even if Wolf had decided to be a pug-faced dolt in the end, I’d still seen more attention and emotion from him in our short time together than from my relatives in my whole life. Blue skies, I missed him already.
My sister was nowhere to be found, and magic was bubbling back to life inside me, roiling with nowhere to go. I had to channel it into something helpful.
I needed to bake.
By the time Jade waltzed through the door, I was red-faced and covered in a sheen of sweat and flour while a caramel toffee cake and three dozen treacle tarts cooled on the sideboard. I was elbow deep in suds and dishes, and I was fuming.
“Finally,” Jade greeted me, tossing her strawberry mane. She was as lovely as always. “Where in the worlds have you been, Emi?”
For one traitorous beat, my heart jumped to think she’d missed me or even worried about me.
“Honestly. What poor sod did you run off with? Actually, I don’t care. You missed all the fuss when the Mist vanished. Oh, and I had to do the market run for you.”
My teeth ground together. I wanted to scream that not only had I not missed the fuss, I’d been the cause of it. I’d broken the curse. Me! Plus, by my calculations, I’d missed at least four market days, but I didn’t bother correcting her.
“Well you’ll have to do it from now on,” I informed her.
Jade’s jaw dropped at my unprecedented audacity. Strawberry blonde hair framed pretty blue-green eyes that hardened in shock. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. I won’t be doing the shopping anymore.”
“Oh yes you will. It’s your job.”
My stomach clenched with the familiar pain of disappointing Jade, usually followed by that eager need to make it up to her. The desire to please her always felt like love, but I recognized the warmth for what it was now.
Magic. Manipulation.
“Actually, it’s not. I’m just the one who always did it. But no more.” I descended on my sister, sudsy water dripping from my hands. It brought me grim satisfaction when she backed away, looking as if her favorite record had suddenly begun to play unfamiliar music. With my nose nearly pressed to hers, I hissed, “What was your wish, Jade? What magic did you awaken?”
She recovered from her surprise remarkably quickly. Jade wasn’t used to anyone standing up to her. “Is that what this foul mood is about?” She giggled without mirth. “Oh, sister dearest, did you just figure out magic? Oh, this is precious.”
“What. Magic. Did. You. Wish. For?”
Jade shoved a finger against my chest. “You know, you have to be careful what you wish for, sister. A witch”s wish has a price, Emi. Magic always has a cost,” she sing-songed.
“And what did yours cost?” I already felt like I knew the answer.
“That”s the beauty. I was very specific. Mother told me that the more you limit your wish, the lower the cost.” Jade smirked.
It burned in me. All this time, she’d known. Our mother had told my older sister about being a witch and wishing for magic, the costs and how to do it. Jade had shared none of it with me, her own sister. And our mother? She hadn’t stayed to tell me, either.
Jade picked up one of my treacle tarts without asking and examined it. “See, all I wished for was one thing—to get whatever I wanted. Don’t you see my genius? I wished to always get exactly what I want and since part of that was magic, I got it. I’m probably the only witch to get her magic for free because of that.” She took a luscious bite of the tart. Good, let her have it.
Despite my suspicions about Jade’s magic, having them confirmed was a punch to the gut. Of all the selfish, terrible, greedy things, this took the prize. My sister, my blood, my family, had used her one wish to get her way. She wanted to be the favoured daughter, so she took all our father’s attention. She wanted pretty dresses and handsome suitors, invitations to all the best events, all the friends she desired…so I was left on the outsides, unwanted lest I take anything from her. Jade wanted to be the centre of attention, so I was ignored, left with her other broken and forgotten things. Every whim and want, Jade took as easily as breathing. She thought of no one but herself.
It might not be curse magic, but she was the same as Grandma Ruby.
“Oh don’t make that sour face, Emi. It’s not my fault you didn’t think of it.”
“Is that why you think I’m upset? I’m not jealous of you, Jade. I’m ashamed.”
“Oh come on, you don’t need to be ashamed. You’re good at other things. These tarts are delicious, so there’s one thing.”
“I’m not ashamed of me, you clouded ninny. I was, but not anymore. You made me feel that way all our lives. You made me think it was my fault mother left and made me think I owed you everything to make up for that, but it was your magic all along. You manipulate people. You take and take and expect me to be grateful to you in return. I’m done, Jade.”
I wanted to scream and rage, but there was no point. If I’d learned anything at the enclave and from spending time with Wolf, it was that people who loved each other lifted one another up. They didn’t undermine or guilt trip and manipulate you. I was never going to find that here, because magic had corrupted my sister, driven out my mother, and stolen my father. There was nothing left for me here.
“Don’t be ridiculous. My magic gets us all our nice things. You should be thanking me. Where are you going?” Jade stomped her foot.
I almost laughed, but just gathered my recipe box full of my lovingly hand-penned recipes. “Far from you, sister. I’d rather do honest work on my own than live under your magic’s thumb any longer.”
Everything in me longed for Wolf.
I wanted the comfort of his arms around me. I wanted the softness of his eyes on me. I wanted the heat of his kisses and the passion of his lust. But mostly, I wanted the way he made me feel about myself.
I liked myself better around him. This version who was bitter and angry wasn’t who I wanted to be. Forcing Jade to change, even if I could, wouldn’t repair me the way one fond word from Wolf did. I would never be as relaxed as I was laughing over Wolf’s teasing. Gaining my father’s attention would never feel as good as earning Wolf’s proud smile when I mastered a new skill, or knowing I had his trust when I used my magic.
Nothing would feel as good as finding my own pride and confidence.
That was love.
Oh, blue skies! It struck me all at once, and I knew. I knew.
It was love I’d seen in that silver gaze under the clear cerulean sky.
Wolf loved me. In that stunning realization, I knew I loved him too.
I loved him with all my heart, with all the pieces of me that I’d found because of him, and he loved me back. The way he’d shut himself away in the cottage, taking the bedroom and letting me think the worst of him, all so he could keep me safe…
That’s what he was doing now!
He’d shut himself away from me emotionally after the curse was broken. He thought he was protecting me again, letting me go. It was the only reason Wolf ever did anything, to protect the ones he loved.
I knew then what he had done…why he’d withdrawn those last days. It wasn’t because he didn’t want me. No. That furry, deluded, kind-hearted, annoying mop-head thought he was protecting me by pushing me away and sending me home. He thought this was what I’d want.
Of course he did. He was a man with no memory who was losing the only place he’d felt needed as all the people he’d protected moved on. He was free now, but he’d lost his purpose. Knowing him and the guilt he carried, he probably thought he wasn’t worthy of love.
What was I doing here in Baines? I should never have left him. I should have pushed and been bold, not been so willing to accept rejection and hurt like I’d always done. I should have stayed at his side showing him he still had a home with me, if he wanted it. I should have shown him how I needed him. He didn’t need possessions and a house and a pack to protect in order for me to love him. He was enough for me just as he was.
Hurriedly, I threw clothes into a bag in my room, ignoring Jade’s irritated questions while she followed me to my closet. I had no more time for her.
For so long, I had blamed myself for the way people treated me. I couldn’t measure up, not to Jade, not to anyone. It was my fault that I felt like an outsider all the time, because I wasn’t trying hard enough to be like everyone else. I’d been telling myself for annums that nobody would ever want the real me, so I tried my hardest to be someone else.
I could either be authentic, or I could be loved. Never both.
Yet from the time I learned the truth about Wolf and Ruby, I’d been entirely myself. Whether boiling over in anger and grief, or drowning in doubts, or opening up to Wolf’s family in the enclave, I hadn’t hidden any part of me. Not the pain, not the strengths, not the weaknesses.
And Wolf had accepted me exactly as I came, messy and incomplete, full of flaws and scars. He thought he had nothing to offer me, but he had already given me the most precious thing anyone could ever give. He had given me myself.
“You”re wrong,” I told Jade when I closed my bag and faced her. Her expression was exactly that of someone who had never been denied anything in her whole spoiled life. “There was a cost to your magic. It cost you me. It cost you any chance of a genuine relationship, because you”ll never know if anyone truly cares for you, or if you just desired their affection. You”ll never know real love, Jade, and I feel sorry for you.”
“For me?” Jade scoffed, and it twisted her pretty mouth into something ugly. “Don”t be ridiculous. I have everything I want.” But her smile didn”t reach her eyes.
With my hand on the doorknob, I turned back. “I wish you”d told me. I wish Mum had stayed. I wish we”d been sisters the way we should have been. I wish any of these wishes mattered anymore, and I wish our family didn”t have this history of hurting other people to help ourselves. I did love you, Jade. I hope you find that again, and I hope it”s real, but it”s not worth wishing for anymore.”
I didn’t need wishes. All I needed was my favorite wolfish grin and to be able to bring it to the face of the man I loved. I had never needed protecting from Wolf. I was his—body, mind, and soul—and I needed him to know it.
“Not that you asked, Jade, but my magic? It’s helping. I’m the one who ended the Mist. I hope those tarts help you, too.”
“What—?” My sister caught her reflection in the door’s window as I swung it open. She screeched at the sight of her now blemish-filled face. The extra ‘help’ I’d infused into the treacle tarts had worked its magic beautifully. “What did you do to me? Emi. Emerald! Get back here.”
All I’d done was make her outside match her inside, warts and all. Wasn’t that helpful?
I particularly liked the wart right on the tip of her nose. Smiling smugly, I hefted my bag over my shoulder and strode down the front walk into the late afternoon sunshine. Walking away from my childhood home, I felt a click deep inside. It didn”t feel like leaving. It felt like heading toward something.
I knew where I was going, but the cottage wouldn”t feel like home either. Because home wasn”t a place anymore. It was a person. I needed to find Wolf.