Chapter Eleven #3
Again, Dr. Leigh took her time responding.
“All right, Kirsten. You’ve been through a traumatic event and injury.
Your brain is healing, and maybe that’s bringing memories back, but your brain’s job is also to protect you.
You might have physical reactions to being faced with traumatic events your brain is trying to shield you from. ”
“I haven’t so far. Nothing like the anxiety I felt early on.
This is the least…” She trailed off, clearly searching for a word.
And he knew it was a real word. She was being honest here, not playing a role.
“I don’t know that I feel like myself, because there’s still so much of myself I don’t remember, but I feel less like a shell.
I feel more like…like a fighter, I guess. Instead of someone who wants to hide.”
Dr. Leigh smiled, and Ellis saw only warmth in that smile. Nothing suspicious. Nothing to zero in on. He should be happy he couldn’t see Dr. Leigh as the betrayer, but it was frustrating because he felt like he was back at square one if she wasn’t the leak.
“If you trust Ellis, and I have no reason to believe you can’t, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with exploring things you might remember. You’ll have to work together to make sure you’re not pushing too hard, but if your brain is letting you remember things, maybe it’s ready.”
Ellis had to admit he was surprised. Not just because he wanted something fishy to hold on to, a lead to follow, and there was nothing suspicious about her suggestion.
But also because she had been staunchly against sharing anything.
For two years she had told him to keep his distance. To be careful. So damn careful.
Was it suspicious? He wanted it to be, but he had a bad feeling it wasn’t at all. “What changed?” he asked her.
“Jessica. Excuse me, Kirsten. My recommendation not to push was based on how little Kirsten remembered, how little she wanted to. In our sessions, she was very averse to trying to relax into what she might remember. She shied away from it—both purposefully and without thinking it through. But if she’s remembering on her own, if she wants to, and is ready to fight for things, then I think it’s best to explore that on her terms. Carefully, but on her terms.”
Ellis was speechless, and he could tell Kirsten was too.
“Look, guys, this is definitely a unique situation. It’s not something I have textbook answers for,” Dr, Leigh said, sounding empathetic and concerned and engaged.
“So, in a way, you’ll have to feel your own way through.
As with any relationship, open communication is key.
I think, given the circumstances, you’ll both be tempted to…
hold back, to pretend with each other, to tread lightly.
But, to truly move forward, you can’t pretend with each other.
You can’t hide. There has to be full trust. Kirsten, that you’re willing to say when it’s too much.
Ellis, that you won’t push too hard. And probably more pitfalls as you move through. ”
It was strange to find that advice applicable to…well, the marriage they’d had before. Because they had certainly hidden from each other in their own ways. They had a habit of…working around problems rather than through them. Something he hadn’t really realized until after.
So many things he hadn’t realized until after.
“I’d like to meet with you guys twice a week while we move through this,” Dr. Leigh said.
“I want to make sure you’re both handling this very traumatic situation in a healthy way.
And I’d be happy to schedule one-on-one sessions whenever you feel you need someone to talk to. Preferably in my office.”
Ellis had to clear his throat to speak around the emotion that clogged there—so many different emotions, because this felt real and he’d expected it to be a fraud.
But he still couldn’t tell Dr. Leigh that wouldn’t be happening yet. “I’ll…get in touch with you about working out a schedule.”
Dr. Leigh nodded. “Good.” She asked Kirsten if she had any more questions, and ended the call reiterating honesty and reaching out to her if they got into any rough patches they needed mediated.
Once the video call ended, Kirsten got to her feet. She was clasping her hands, just like she used to do when she was worked up about her mom or sister. An unsolvable problem. Because even when she’d cut them off, that had hurt her. It hadn’t been a solution. It hadn’t solved anything.
She turned to face him, her clasped hands pressed against her heart. She wasn’t crying, but her eyes were suspiciously shiny. “Ellis, she’s not behind this.”
He didn’t think so either, but… “Maybe she’s just a good actress.”
“She cares, Ellis. It’s clear as day. And she was trying to help us, not thwart us. She wants to protect me, but from you.”
That’s why, he supposed, he believed Dr. Leigh’s innocence. “Maybe she should,” he muttered.
Kirsten shook her head. “And she wanted to protect you from me. She wanted us both…okay. She wants us to be okay. So maybe we don’t need protecting right now.”
He stood himself, restless energy pumping through him. “Someone threatened your life.”
“So we should figure out who.”
He pointed at the computer. “That’s what we’re trying to do here. Because if it’s not Dr. Leigh, we have to start over.”
“No, we’re not figuring out anything. We’re hiding. Just like Dr. Leigh said. We can’t hide.”
“I’m pretty sure she meant emotionally.”
“Yes, but she’s right. Universally.”
“What are you suggesting? Not hiding? Because that’s not happening. We’re here until it’s safe.”
“So we’re just going to sit in this cabin for a million years waiting for something to happen?” she demanded, anger filling in all the cracks of whatever softer emotions Dr. Leigh had brought out.
“Yeah, that’s kind of how these things work in cases like this. We have to be careful.”
“I’m not a case,” she said, agitated and angry, even if he didn’t understand why.
“And I’m done being careful. I’m done hiding.
Two years of being afraid and there was no threat.
Just…shadows I didn’t know how to navigate.
Well, now there’s a threat and I’m going to fight it, because this isn’t a case.
It’s my life. A life that got taken from me, even if I lived.
It’s too many blanks. These people stole from me.
I want it back. I want my life back, and I’m ready and willing to fight for it back. ”
She reminded him so much of the woman she’d been. Worked up about the system failing one of her students, or maybe a parent blaming the system for their spoiled kid’s problems. Always so worked up on everyone else’s behalf.
But now she was worked up on her own, and he was just…proud, even though he had no right to be. Even though this road was starting them down a path that might mean she walked away from him. Knowing who he was and what he’d done and hadn’t done.
Her not remembering was torture, but he was beginning to realize her remembering was going to be as well. The kind of torture that might relegate him completely out of her life, not just shoved to the edges.
Which is what you deserve.
“We can fight back. We will fight back, but we also have to protect ourselves,” Ellis managed to say, trying to keep all the emotions swirling inside of him out of his voice. “And we are back at square one.”
She shook her head. “No, it isn’t square one because there are things I remember. There are things just out of reach.” She straightened her shoulders, took a step toward him. “And I know what I want the next step to be.”
He didn’t trust the look on her face, but he wasn’t about to retreat. He was no coward.
Except when it comes to her.
“What step is that?”
“I think you should kiss me.”