Veintidos
Corre, Edison, corre. Corre tan rápido como puedas. Run, Run, Run. Run as fast as you can . I keep myself calm by talking to myself, and right now, I’m screaming so loud in my head my ears are ringing. Corre, corre, corre.
Don’t stop. Don’t stop. But I have to, I can’t hold on any longer. I know I’m not far enough. I know I barely made it off of campus, but the weight of my bag and the heaviness of my past are too much for me to bear. Both are going to crush me, I just know it.
I’m starting to hyperventilate with every passing thought. No entiendo. I don’t understand. How is Payton Pierce here at Havenwood? Why? Of all the schools, of all the libraries, and of all the moments for her to find me . ?Por qué, por qué, por qué?
My brain is too shocked to think straight, and I can’t make any sense out of my thoughts. What happened to Gabe? Did he get out? Who else? Do they know? Is he still with her? Why is she here?
I have so many questions and can’t find out the answers the hard way. I need to get to my computer. I need to find out as much as I can about her.
I’m out of breath, and outta time. My body can’t take any more, and I slow down while clutching my side. Oh, diosas, qué duele. Oh my goddesses, this hurts.
My muscles are tensing up, and my shins are burning. I can’t stand upright for another second, and feel my legs turn to jelly right before I collapse on the sidewalk of that street where all the athletes live.
I cover my head before my whole body crashes to the pavement. I slump over to my side, unhook my arms from the straps of my bag, and curl into myself. Ay, eso duele. Everything hurts, but I’m too numb to move. My arms and legs feel heavy, like they're full of cement.
I need to get up, but my body won’t work. It’s like my brain is so traumatized trying to process seeing Payton again and what this all means that it shuts the rest of me down. I feel trapped inside my head and try to scream, but nothing comes out.
No one can hear me, but I can hear them. Their voices are loud as the OG’s repeat one of their conduct codes, “They can’t snitch if they can’t talk.” If they thought you were a rat, they’d kill you. No questions asked, no judgment, just a bullet to the head.
Maybe it’s already happened, and I just don’t realize it yet. Maybe they already found me and killed me. Maybe I’m already dead and my spirit is trapped. Diosas, ayúdenme. Goddesses, help me.
The questions in my head are spinning around, and I feel physically seasick lying here on the ground.
“Wow, there, what happened? You okay?” A voice says from somewhere close by, and then I see that red-headed new kid come into focus.
“I’m gonna get ya up now, hold on a second, darlin’,” he says.
My whole body tenses when he grabs my shoulders to move me, and it breaks whatever catatonic state I was just in.
“I’m not gonna hurt ya, I just need you to sit up so I can make sure you’re not bleedin’ anywhere, you hit your head or anything? Did ya faint or trip?”
“Neither, and my head’s fine.” I instinctively reach for my beanie and make sure it’s secure and wince. My elbow is killing me after hitting the pavement.
“You sure? You don’t wanna concussion. Here, lettme help you, come on now,” I nod my head slightly, and he grabs my hand and pulls me up into a sitting position.
“Where’s what’s his name? Hunter? The other brother?” He must know Evie and Chase. Hunter’s name vibrates in my chest, and I see the face I was kissing in my head. I’ve never been kissed like that, and I’ve never wanted to be kissed so badly in my life.
The energy between us has been shifting all day. It’s not full of wrath anymore. It doesn’t feel angry or annoyed. And it’s not as cold. Things have started to warm up. I feel it, there’s heat rising from glowing embers that sparked early this morning when I ran into the shop.
They ignited into flames when we fought, were fanned by all the sweet words he said to me, and then I threw a full tank of gasoline on them when I kissed him. I started to feel more comfortable sitting in front of the burning fire when he sat with me in the dining hall and in the library.
And when we kissed again, it felt like we hit record temperatures. Every time his tongue swiped over mine, it felt like he was adding logs to the fire. I was starting to sweat and had to take a step back to get some air. I wasn’t ready to overheat, so I had to readjust our thermostat.
I’ve never physically or emotionally had my body and heart respond to a man like this before.
I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted him to kiss me.
I liked how it felt and liked that it was with him.
I wanted his eyes to see me as a woman and not just the holes men have reduced me to.
All of the sexual encounters I’ve had were rooted in violence and abuse.
I did what I had to do to survive. And for the first time, a man made me feel like I was alive.
“I only met him once, and to be honest, I was focused more on his brother and him chasin' my sister. You okay? You want me to find him for you? I think Drew knows him –”
“No, don’t do anything.” I start to stand, and he jumps up before extending his hand again.
“I bet he’d wanna know you fell so he could look after ya.”
“You just said you only met him one time, and now you think you know what he’s thinking?” I question and pick my bag up before throwing it on my back. Pinche codo! Me duele! Dammit, my elbow fucking hurts!
“I don’t need to know him to see how he was lookin’ at you.
There was crazy in his eyes when he thought I did something to offend you earlier; that boy would definitely wanna know if you weren’t okay, darlin’.
You can’t tell me no different.” He didn’t see the confused look on his face when Payton called me, Valentine Garcia, and I didn’t deny it.
I didn’t tell her that she had mixed me up with another person.
I didn’t say a word. I just panicked and ran.
“You sure you’re okay? You’re looking a little pale.
” If you just saw a ghost from your past, I bet you’d be pale too.
The vibration from my phone is just as annoying if I were to have my ringer on as it goes off for the millionth time. I pull it out and see his name—outlined in red—showing a dozen missed calls and even more unchecked messages.
“I’m gonna go, thanks for the, ugh, help.” I need to get my head in the game and get back on track. I can’t get distracted by him and how he’s making me feel right now. I need to get my ass to the shelter, get my laptop from Amy’s office, and figure out what to do next.
“Be careful then, I’ll see ya in class, darlin’.” I turn around before he can say one more word and walk down the block as fast as I can, which is not at all.
There are always people sitting on their front lawns in beach chairs with drinks in their hands, acting like they're on some vacation or some shit, and now is no different. I don’t look at any of them and shove my hand in my pocket to grab the handle of my girl. Just in case.
I’m exhausted by the time I get to the shelter. I honestly don’t know if it’s more mental or physical at this point. I’m also starving, thirsty, and fucking scared.
I don’t want to have to leave here. I’m so close to finishing and can’t start over at another school. I don’t have the money to resettle somewhere new, let alone the mental bandwidth.
I hate my life, but I like this routine. It’s hard, but I can take it. It’s my grind, and I know how to handle it. I’ve got it down to a science. Havenwood and HU are the enemy I know, and I don’t wanna fuck with any place new.
Valentine had to die for Edison to live. She’s dead in New York, and I’m alive in Virginia. And that’s how it’s gonna stay.