Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
Hush
I never went to the cabin. There’d be no physical way I could pry my boots off this property while Danika stayed here.
She was safe, that much was certain, but there’s an ache whenever I’m not close, a knife clawing at my insides.
Besides, after the way she took care of me, I was exploding with gratitude.
No one has ever cared for me in that way before.
And I mean no one, not even... I pause before finishing the thought.
I have to stop comparing her to Gracie but fuck, I can’t, and there’s not even a reason I should be.
Even if I can’t stop thinking about Danika, it doesn’t mean shit.
End it now.
“Fuck off!” I grab at my hair, fisting it, wanting to pull it from my scalp, needing to feel the pain as I stagger back to the wall.
But I close my eyes and slowly count to ten.
A face appears inside my mind, but it’s not Gracie this time.
The green eyes, the copper toned hair, the vanilla scent swirling in my thoughts is Danika.
“Son.” Chain lays a hand on my shoulder, and I come to, straightening as I stare at my boss. My president. The father figure for every single one of us. He’s not looking at me with anger or hate, it’s deep concern. “You good?”
What a loaded question.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”
He nods, backing away still eyeing me with curiosity. “Good. Then you can explain to me and all the brothers what the fuck happened last night.”
We file inside church, and I take my usual spot against the wall, away from the others.
Charger pays me first glance, then Tank as he leans back in his chair.
Throttle already ready to come to my aid if necessary.
And I can tell he’s ready to ask me if I’m all right.
But that’s why I avoid such sympathy because I don’t want to lie to my brothers.
So, staying silent is better for me and them.
Bullet takes his seat next to Chain as our boss lights up a cigar. Brass, our newly patched member, doesn’t spare me a glance like the others. It’s like he understands me which is fucking hilarious given the fact we don’t speak. Not because I don’t like the guy but because it’s just who I am.
A puff of smoke invades the air. “My men had a nasty clean up last night.” Chain pins me with a stare.
Attentions shoot over me and my skin itches.
Bullet raises his chin. “To be fair, Prez, Sergio was asking for it.”
Chain takes a slow and calculated puff, the smoke escaping out his flared nostrils. “I don’t like cleaning up unnecessary messes. What exactly happened that made you feel the need to slaughter our only lead?” Chain’s eyes don’t dare drift from mine.
“He touched something important to me.”
Silence strangles the air around us.
Chain nods. “You’re smart, son. But this can’t happen again.”
“I get you.” But I don’t promise because I can’t promise something I’m unsure of. I don’t want to risk my brothers or the club if I become unhinged again, but I don’t have an answer for my President. Can’t offer him anything and that, unfortunately, fuels the godforsaken voice.
Danika
The guys were filing inside the room upstairs as I snuck out this morning. The big table in the center of the room was clear that’s where they held their club meetings.
I slept better than I had in months. Liem’s sheets wrapped around me like a safety net and for a crazy thought, I pretended it was him lying there, capturing me inside his embrace.
And that alone kept my demons at bay. Every time I closed my eyes, I swear I could feel him.
For him trusting me with his personal space meant a lot.
Before I start my session, my phone vibrates, and I answer Tequila’s call. I don’t want to be rude and dodge her after she’s been so nice.
“Hey! I tried calling you last night. Everything okay?”
I juggle the phone between my ear and shoulder. “Sorry. It’s a wild story but I ended up having to stay with L—Hush in his room at the clubhouse,” I quickly correct myself.
“Wait. Back up. You did what?” Tequila’s tone is one of being shocked but also there’s no denying the secret hint of enthusiasm behind it.
“Of course he didn’t actually stay in the room with me.”
There’s commotion, Maggie’s voice filling the background and dishes clinking together. The sound of breakfast being prepped.
“That explains why he slept on the pullout couch.”
My stomach drops. “He did?” I assumed he went to the cabin.
“Yeah. I saw him earlier this morning. But I’ll be honest, I don’t think he did much sleeping.”
There I was getting the best night’s sleep I’ve had in so long, and he was struggling. I wonder why? Guilt now teases me with a grin.
“My roommate might have temporarily kicked me out.”
“What the hell. How can she just kick you out?”
I wince. “Hush may have punched her boyfriend in the face for making me uncomfortable and then stuck his head under the faucet.”
There’s silence on the other end, but then Tequila starts giggling followed by a burst of laughter which makes me chuckle. The situation wasn’t funny last night but now, maybe a little.
“I don’t mean to laugh, because fuck men and their delusions in thinking they can do whatever they want, but I am really glad Hush decked his lights out.”
I smile. “Me too. He’s… a good friend.”
A small squeal hits my ear, and I have to hold the phone away.
“I’m so glad he’s got someone like you to lean on.” A quick pause as she tells Maggie something. “I gotta go help Mag cut tomatoes. Will you be at breakfast later?”
I think about it and my stomach twists in hunger. “Um, yeah, that sounds good.”
“Awesome. See ya later.” She hangs up and I’m left speechless.
Being welcomed in their place is starting to feel more like home than I’ve predicted.
But still, something feels off and I can’t put my finger on it.
I love being sprinkled with the warmth everyone is showing me.
A part of me still feels like I don’t permanently belong.
Where do I belong?
I toss my water to the side and then turn on my peace and serenity playlist. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to it. There hasn’t been a day when I felt calm or peaceful enough to play it and really let the music soak through my skin down to my bones but today feels like the day.
An angry shot of electricity hits me now and again, but it’s different. Yes, I’m pissed at my roommate's boyfriend. Pissed at my fucked-up boss for putting his hands on me. Enraged that a man used me for days at a time at his leisure without my consent.
Men putting their hands on me needs to stop. And I’ll be damned if I let it happen again. Sure, sometimes I won’t be able to overpower them, but at least I’ll have the confidence to speak up like I would have before everything.
I roll out one of the foam mats propped in the corner and start my breathing exercise, but the opening of the door stops me. My heart picks up at the sight of Liem, his hands in his pockets, a shy expression falling over his face.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t. You caught me right before I started.”
He nods eyeing the foam mat, then traces my figure more slowly than he normally does.
Thinking I’d be alone, I didn’t care what I wore today, my brain registering what I have on.
My tight leggings and snug fit sports bra cling to my skin, but…
I don’t shy away, nor do I hide myself. Liem doesn’t make me feel as though I should.
There’s nothing predatory about his stare.
It doesn’t make me recoil, it makes me feel alive.
“I’ve decided to give this whole yoga thing another shot.”
His body straightens and a tension seems to roll off his shoulders. The heat rising on my face from his genuine reaction.
“That’s good, Danika. Really good.”
“Thanks. It is, isn’t it?” I smile with my body growing weightless.
“Do you mind if I watch?”
My body stills and I swallow.
He wants to watch me.
“Only if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable,” he adds.
I glance outside where there isn’t another living, breathing soul.
Just me and Liem and every piece of me turns warm.
My cheeks are hot. My insides boil like my veins will catch fire.
“Yes. I’d love that.” We hold each other’s stares for a moment before he backs up to the wall folding his arms over his chest. He’d be intimidating to a stranger but for me, Liem being here is a boost of confidence.
It’s like I can do anything. Accomplish anything with him cheering me on.
Silently of course.
Okay. Let’s do this then.
I start with a warmup I haven’t done in so long but yearn to experience again. I focus steadily on my slow breathing, letting the peaceful sounds of instrumental music fill the voided silence. With my hands firmly pressed together, I gradually bring them up then back down.
This feels like a long-lost memory. One I’ve missed dearly.
You will survive.
You will live.
The songs of Liem’s words play repeatedly in my mind until I start to believe them.
I must survive.
I must live.
As I continue to steadily breathe, my mind falls into a comfortable place, the heavy burden of my nightmares seems to float away.
Not sure if it’ll last, but right here, right now, I’m at peace with myself.
The skeletons tucked away in my closet. And for the first time I’m able to let myself truly smile.
Smile for myself. Smile for Tequila. Smile for Liem who always seems to be there when I need him, leading to the small ache in my chest. Despite being in this serene element, I’m also yearning for someone I can’t have.
A man who doesn’t want to be had and for the first time, I can’t stand not being touched by a man.
For the first time, I’ve never wanted another person like I do Liem.
Friends? Sure. But it is more than that for me.
My body used to be much stronger and the time off is making me pay.
I have to ease into each movement to avoid the unbearable burn.
If this was months ago, I’d be able to perform heavy positions and poses.
My core used to be strong and solid. Not that it’s not now, but being out of practice is a risk for injury.
So, I start slow easing into the basic beginner moves.
Leaning into a tree pose I close my eyes and breathe, and when I open them, I’m pierced with Liem’s stare.
He doesn’t shy away like he would have if this were the first time we met.
Or even the second. No, he catches my glance and holds me captive, and I don’t let go.
As I continue, my eyes stay locked with his, and there’s a slight bob of his throat with the tiniest shift in his weight and rise of his chest. It’s electric and real and I can’t break away from it.
Next, I dip down into triangle poses allowing my arms to stretch and reach for the ceiling or stars in this case. I want to reach for the fucking stars.
As minutes tick by, my soul feels so much freer.
Lighter. And something changes inside me.
With a deep inhale, I try to flood out the bad energy even if it’s temporary and invite peace.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore. To be trapped within my own body.
The scars I have are ones to permanently remind me.
After my last set, I glance over at Liem who hasn’t taken his eyes off me the entire time. A moment of gratitude rushes through me and wet tears burn my eyes as they start to fall one by one. Slowly at first… then faster.
Why am I crying?
My shoulders shake as I stand on the mat, the cushioned foam feels pleasant underneath my bare feet and for the first time as he watched me, I try to hide myself from Liem.
My hands cover my face soaking with tears.
He lets me have my meltdown and when I glance up, he’s studying me with a comforting stillness.
I sniffle, sucking in a deep breath and as I let it out, he pushes from the wall and stalks toward me in a deepening passion.
I don’t move.
I don’t flinch.
I don’t think about anything else only Liem who now stands before me.
His soapy mint scent filling my veins. His eyes dart from both of mine down to my mouth and back up again.
He reaches up and I don’t so much as twitch from the movement.
He removes a piece of hair sticking to my wet cheek.
But it’s what he does next that keeps me on my toes, keeps the butterflies fluttering inside the pit of my stomach.
His hand, the palm of his hand caresses my cheek, and I inhale with a shudder, leaning into his touch. With that, I close my eyes.
“You looked beautiful. Like a butterfly,” his soft voice floors its way through me and goosebumps rise on my arms and neck. My chest screams in passionate agony as we stand so close together like this. Sharing this moment—a moment I’ve been waiting for.
“It felt really good to do that.” My voice a breathy whisper, unable to articulate my words while he holds my face in such a tenderly manner. I’ve never been touched like this before. Not by a man.
Before he lets go, he swipes a tear from my cheek then tucks his hand away inside his jean pocket. His eyes distant again but still closer than before.
He takes in a breath then sighs in a relieved sort of way. Maybe it’s for me or maybe for him. Either way, I appreciate the silent support.
“You wanna get out of here?” I bite my lip from the question. Where would we go? I don’t even know. I just need to be spontaneous. And I want to be that with Liem.
He hesitates, opening his mouth and closing it but it’s the way he finally answers that has me grinning like a fool.
“Yeah.” He nods with the tiniest smile lining his face.
I clear my throat bending down to pick up my towel and then he rolls up the mat for me. After everything is secured in my bag, we walk out of the gym in silence. The bitter cold makes its way down to my bones.
“Can we take your motorcycle?”
He stills, turning toward me as we stand enduring the frigid temperature, and the steady fall of snow above us. “I—I can’t.”
My heart drops in disappointment. I know how much a woman on their bike means. Maybe it’s too fast. Or entirely inappropriate to ask.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it—”
“I won’t risk it. It’s not safe and I don’t want to put you in danger.”
“But you ride it. I mean, I figure a motorcycle in the dead ass of winter isn’t safe, but you do it.”
There’s a breath of silence and then…
“My life isn’t yours. Like I said, I won’t risk it. Come on, I have the keys to Throttle’s truck.”
My mouth parts, my heart shattering into pieces. Did Liem not value his life at all? He means something to everyone. He must know that. He means so much to me. I want to tell him but… it’s not the time. It’s not right.