Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
Danika
We sit in Throttle’s truck, the heat flowing from the vents.
“I know a place. I go there when I need the noise.”
My head jerks at him, but he doesn’t meet my gaze. “That sounds perfect.” I’m not sure what monsters are haunting Liem’s mind, but I want to fight them for him.
We drive through the falling snow, the big flakes melting as they hit the windshield.
But for that split second between them falling and melting, the beautiful crystals are mesmerizing.
The tiny details such as snow have always fascinated me.
Like art abstracted miniature sculptures.
How stunning the universe can be if we only appreciated it more.
I steal small glances over at Liem, whose hand grips the steering wheel for dear life. He looks tense, just like before when he was driving.
Without thinking, I reach out my hand and set it on top of his resting on the middle console.
There’s a slight flinch, but he peers down at our connecting touch and the tightness in his shoulders loosens.
He doesn’t ask me to take my hand away, so I don’t.
I let the feeling of his warm skin underneath mine soak into my veins.
It’s a blazing connection—an unexplained one that sometimes you don’t have answers to.
Sometimes you just let them be what they are.
And right now, at this moment, I’m letting it be.
I stare out the window as we take a windy bend up a small hill.
When he locks his fingers with mine, I almost gasp.
But instead, I let the pounding of my heart vibrate through me and cast the tiniest glance at him.
He doesn’t look my way, but the faint upward turn of his mouth tells me this is what he wants, and happiness rams into me like a semi.
Once we’ve reached our destination, I glance around as the truck sits in an empty lot high in the sky.
“Where are we?” I ask, still casting looks trying to find a hint of something to where we are.
“You’ll see.” He lets me go as he gets out, and I unbuckle my seatbelt watching him round the hood and open my door.
Okay, chivalry isn’t dead.
He holds out his hand for me, and I take it because I’ll go anywhere he wants to lead me.
We walk, still hand in hand, to the edge of a cliff. With us being high up, the wind is extra aggressive, and I shiver.
“Shit. Here.” Liem goes to remove his hoodie, but I stop him.
I have on full winter gear but even so, I’m still cold. “Just let me weirdly snuggle into you and we’ll call it even, yeah?”
His throat bobs and for a second, I think he’ll decline my request, but he relaxes pulling me into his body and I melt like a damn snowflake on a warm windshield.
God, he’s so warm.
So hard.
So safe.
His arm closes around my shoulders as I’m tucked into his side.
I finally look down. I’m not afraid of heights but we have to be a hundred feet up.
The only thing noticeable are the tracks.
And within a few minutes time, I hear a loud whistle in the distance.
Before long, the light illuminates the white snow surrounding the heavy machinery.
The train is huge and fast, whizzing at the speed of lightning.
The whistle goes off every now and again and it’s deafening.
My mind doesn’t pay attention to anything except the powerful train below.
Liem stares at it focusing with such intensity I’m not sure anything or anyone can break him from the entrancing spell.
When the end of it soars past, the blaring sound fades into the distance once more. I cast a glance up at Liem who’s still staring off in a comatose state like before outside the diner.
“Liem.” I gently lay a soft touch to his cheek, and he blinks. “Are you with me?” His eyes connect with mine. They’re so lonely. So empty. “What has made you so sad?”
Tears threaten to fall from him, and I pull away to really look at him. “Please. You can tell me. You can talk to me.”
He sucks in a sharp breath and then his tears fall. One by one they fall. My chest hurts from the sight of his pain. If you were to ask me about my most hated vision, it’d be his cry.
His tears falling on my hands are like tiny knives through my chest. And the shudder of his shoulders shakes with so much weight and emotion that I pull him to me and wrap my arms tightly around his body to hopefully help stop the trembling.
As if he can no longer hold up his own body, he falls and I fall with him, both of us landing onto the cold, wet snow. I don’t care that the cold is running up my spine, nor do I care that my leggings are getting soaked, my only concern is Liem.
He cradles himself into me, the stroke of my hand in his hair as he cries with me because I find tears falling down my cheeks too.
This time I don’t cry for me, but I cry for him and his pain.
The pain I’m unsure of but know it’s a deep cut by the way he’s letting it all go.
My arms stay tightly wrapped around him like I’m his lifeline.
Like if I let go, he’ll fall into the dark pits of hell without return.
I want to keep him above the surface, keep his demons at bay, and not let them overtake him.
The cold doesn’t matter; nothing matters but him. He’s broken in my arms, and I feel entirely helpless.
“She’s everything to me.”
My stomach twists as he pulls away, turning to avoid my gaze. He has a love of his life and my heart just shattered.
“I’ve never talked about this before. To anyone.”
I shiver but ignore it. “You can talk to me. I’m here for you, Liem.”
That earns a look from him, and I peer into his red stained eyes.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
My breath hitches. “What—”
“I’m fucked up. I—I have this voice inside my head that is constantly screaming at me.” He grips his hair like if he doesn’t, he’ll lose the rest of his sanity.
I lay my hand on his forearm. I want to ask if he’s tried getting help but that would make me a hypocrite. “And what does the voice say?”
With a shaky breath he says, “To leave this world—to leave this world so I can be with her again.”
A tear slides down my cheek, and I force myself closer to him. So, she’s not here anymore. She must have died. Oh god, what if… “She wouldn’t want that.”
His chest rises slowly and then drops. “That’s one reason I’m still here.”
I close my eyes, trying to suppress my horrid sob but I hiccup, no longer able to control the heavy flow of them now.
Fuck.
This time it’s Liem who wraps me tightly inside his powerful embrace.
I curse myself. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make this about me.”
With his thumb, he wipes my wet cheek. “Don’t cry, butterfly. This pain is only meant for me.”
My eyes lock with his, the connection so deep, so unbreakable. Butterfly. “What was her name?”
Liem hesitates as if giving me her name is spilling such an intricate, personal connection between them. It’s like giving something so meaningful away. But he breaths and when he lets go, he says, “Gracie.”
Danika
Nurses, doctors, families of loved ones either lost or fighting for their lives crowded the hospital lobby.
A mother clung to, what I guess to be, her husband as if she’d die without him.
Her sobs echoed through the emergency room despite the noises all around.
My chest tightened for her, for whatever the reason.
I was given the news hours ago, but I couldn’t leave.
Because if I left, it’d all be too real and there was no longer a home to go to or a family to be home for.
They were gone. Just like that. Both are gone.
My father. My mother. Everything I’d known was gone.
Taken from me in the blink of an eye. The fire started in the basement. Something electrical they said.
Another hour passed and my throat was raw. I didn’t care. At this point, if I died, it wouldn’t matter, would it? I had no one.
A nurse who’d been casting frequent glances at me the entire time came over, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to wallow and fade away.
“Hey.” She held out a Styrofoam cup for me to take. The nurse was gorgeous. Her features were the most beautiful and the kindest I’d ever seen. “You should drink something.” Her voice was soft and high pitched like a real-life Princess.
My stare was numb and cold, but I took the cup from her and sipped the water because she was nice enough to go out of her way for someone she didn’t know.
The ice water felt soothing down my dry throat. Maybe it was her being kind, but for whatever reason, my shoulders shook, and my heart dropped into my stomach. And I cried.
The nurse sat in the empty lobby chair next to mine and held me while I did. Her scrubs brushed against my wet cheeks. She smelled like a summer day. Like the beach and fruit. It’s the most comforting scent and her warmth washed through my cold body.
With a sniffle, I wiped away whatever reminisce of tears were left. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“Don’t apologize. Whatever happened I’m so sorry.
” When she didn’t get up to leave, I blurted out my confession, dropped every detail of the tragedy.
The fire. The ambulance. The paramedic telling me they tried everything they could, but the smoke overtook them.
They were burned and unrecognizable. They were no longer the mother and father I knew, but faceless dead bodies without a soul.
We part and she stared out in front of her as we take in the hustle and bustle of more people coming in. “Losing people you love, especially parents, is one of the most painful loses to go through.”
“I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye.”
She shot me with a sympathetic smile. “Most tragedies end that way. You’re lucky if you get to have the last words with them.”
“Life’s a real bitch.”
She chuckled. But it wasn’t inappropriate, it fit, and I couldn’t help but smile inside even if it was only for a split second.
“Life is hard sometimes. But it’s moments like these that really test how strong you are. And I can tell that you are so, so strong. You have a full life ahead of you and your parents would want you to survive. To live.”
My bottom lip trembled as more tears fell. “But I don’t know how to live without them.”
She brushed a strand of hair away from my face. “You’ll learn. And there’s someone out there for you. Whether it’s a lifelong friend or partner. But they’ll need you like you need them.”
My chest eased but the pain was still too heavy. “I hope you’re right.”
“Hey. This might sound a little weird. But when I was younger, I had this safe word when I was afraid of something. My father gave me the idea of it.” She smiled. “Anytime you’re feeling weak or like you can’t go on. I want you to close your eyes and say Gracie.”
My brows furrowed. “Gracie?”
“My name. I believe everyone deserves someone who they can call upon, even if they can’t be there in person.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, amazed at the woman in front of me who can’t be more than five years older than I am. But she’s one I could never forget.
Another nurse called her over from the desk.
“I have to go. But I really do think you’re gonna be okay. You’re going to find your way, and you’ll heal one day. It might take a while, but you’ll heal.”
She smiles one last time, and I memorize her features, her mannerisms so I’d never forget.
My angel.
My safe word.