Chapter 8
Ava
Today was all kinds of fucked up. First, seeing Logan with Xander and Lanie really confused me.
They really did get along. When I got in the truck in the morning and understood where we were headed, Logan’s nervous behavior made me curious.
He wasn’t talking, not even insulting me.
I thought I was going to witness him being shunned by those two. But it was the complete opposite.
They welcomed him with open arms.
I didn’t know Xander that well, but what I did know was how protective he was of Lanie Montgomery. The sheer fact that he moved her in with him because her ex could possibly come back looking for her was proof. So, I guess I was the asshole for thinking Logan didn’t deserve their loyalty.
Then, Logan had multiple moments of being normal, even borderline nice, to me. First, he walked with me to class rather than leaving me in the dust. Then, he literally agreed to work on our project tonight.
With a smile.
The coup de grace was he actually asked me how I was getting home. What the fuck? Like, why did he have to do that?
I think I liked him better as an asshole.
Because I didn’t like how his politeness affected my emotions.
It made me think back to the day I first saw him in the registrar’s office.
The wordless connection he and I had as we stared into each other’s eyes was so strong.
I left that office with a renewed vigor that maybe, just maybe, I was ready for a relationship.
Ready to put myself, and my heart, out there in the hands of someone else.
The feelings he stirred up inside me with just a look were overwhelming.
And then the moment of discovery. Lo and behold, Logan, the guy my heart suddenly longed for with a single glance on campus, was indeed my roommate. The roommate that Macie and I agreed neither of us would pursue.
The roommate who put his hands on a friend of mine, unsolicited.
“Here ya go,” Devon said as he came bouncing back into my room. He handed me one of the beers while placing his on my nightstand. When he asked if I wanted a beer, I agreed. However, what I really wanted was for him to leave me alone for a few minutes as he went to get them.
I watched him reach for the band of his sweats, ready to take them off.
“Yeah, I think it might be time for you to head out,” I said. Most guys were not accustomed to being the one used. They were more familiar with initiating the one-night stand rather than the other way around.
When Devon and I met in the cafeteria earlier today, I knew he was smitten. I knew I needed a release. Something to take my mind off what, or who, it’s been focusing on lately. He jumped at the offer to meet me at my place tonight.
His hand froze on the elastic of his pants, and his eyes turned down. He wasn’t going to push, no guy would for fear of further embarrassment.
“I’ve got some homework to get done, and it’s getting late,” I offered, hoping it would ease whatever it was he was feeling.
He looked pathetic. And sad.
“Yeah, me too, I should get going.” He raced to put the rest of his clothes on. “Maybe we can hook up this weekend, my frat is having a party. I’ll send you the location.”
Sitting up in bed, I offered him a curt nod, but no other reassurances. He started his approach, making a move to come closer.
“See ya, Devon.” I dismissed him.
No kiss goodbye, that was my rule. They couldn’t think this was more than it was. I stayed on the other side of my bed, facing my window, my back to him.
I made it very clear to him earlier that this was sex and sex only. And he was on board.
He read the room. I heard his steps stop and pivot while he reached for his keys on my desk. He lingered, I guess hoping I’d get up or say something else. But once he realized it wasn’t happening, he went for the door.
“Oh, hey man,” he said to someone as he pulled it open.
His words made me jump from my bed. It was a knee-jerk reaction, not one I thought through. The door remained open as he greeted the only other guy it could be.
There was no response from Logan, no verbal response anyway. His fixed look moved over the head of Devon directly to me.
“Yeah, um, see ya, Ava,” Devon said before sidling past the looming figure in the hallway.
I stood next to my bed in my black lace bra and thong.
With Logan staring at me.
It should have bothered me; I should have rushed for my robe or jumped back into my bed. Instead, I remained where I was, staring back at him.
I saw the slow swallow of his throat, the saliva working hard to pass over his pronounced Adam’s apple. His blue eyes grew dark as his gaze lingered.
My nipples hardened under his scrutiny. And I worked hard to not rub my thighs together to tend to the building sensation down there.
Christ, I just had sex. Albeit, it wasn’t the best I’ve had, but he got me off. I shouldn’t be this turned on simply by a guy looking at me.
Then he turned abruptly and headed for his room
“I’m gonna eat,” he said over his shoulder without looking back. “Then I’m showering. Get dressed, we’re working when I’m done.”
I was downstairs for at least thirty minutes alone. There was no one else home, and I didn’t know where the others were. Becca was most likely with Ty, but Macie hadn’t answered my text. She and I were supposed to have a talk tonight, so she should’ve been here.
Staring at the front door, I willed her to walk through it. There was no way I wanted to be alone with Logan, not after what happened upstairs.
It wasn’t that I was afraid of him. No, I don’t think I was. Which took me off guard.
There were other things I was more afraid of at the moment.
“Ready?”
His loud booming voice was a complete contradiction to how quietly he entered the room. I jumped in my seat, not expecting him to be there. Or maybe I was just lost in my own thoughts.
He sat across from me at the dining table and opened his computer.
“It’s good we’re getting a head start on this, I have an exam in another class next week and that’s going to be a time suck for me this weekend,” Logan said.
His eyes were trained on the screen in front of him as he worked to pull up the assignment. It lit up his face, fresh from a shower, some droplets of water dripping from his still wet hair. He wore sweat shorts and a T-shirt. I hated I was aware of how formfitting both were on his body.
“Ava,” he said.
“Yeah?”
“Are you planning on working tonight?” He gestured to my still closed computer.
Fuck. I hope he didn’t catch me checking out the veins on his forearms just then. And why was he acting like nothing had happened before?
“Yeah, sorry, I’m tired, it’s been a long day.”
And then he snorted. My head snapped up to see him laughing under his breath, the snicker plain on his face.
“What are you laughing at?” My words were sterner than they needed to be, but I didn’t need him going back to his old ways after the progress we’d made this morning.
“You’re tired, I get it, that’s all. You’ve exerted a lot of energy, I’m sure, in the past hour.”
He chuckled again. But as soon as he stopped, his look was serious. As if he regretted bringing it up.
“What makes you think it was only an hour?” I challenged.
He tried to hide the incredulous, yet impressed, look that came over him. He settled against the back of his chair, contemplating my words further.
“Nah.” He shook his head and went back to looking at his computer. “I saw the guy. He was a fast shooter.”
Well, Logan wasn’t wrong there. Thankfully the guy took care of me first. But there was no way I was divulging any of that.
“Whatever, dude,” I said. “Sounds like you might just be jealous. At least I got some.”
Instead of some snarky comeback, Logan remained quiet. Insanely quiet. So quiet it became uncomfortable that those were the last words said between us.
Was I wrong to have said that?
Oh no, did he think I thought he was jealous of Devon? And not that I’d had sex?
As an attempt to change the subject, I opened my laptop to move this back toward our project.
“Put any thought into what company you’d like to use for this?” I asked. Some of my ideas were ones college students frequently used, such as DoorDash, Chipotle, and even Uber. Turning my screen to face him, he saw my list.
He pondered them for a moment but shook his head before responding.
“I understand why you’d think going with one of those would make sense, but I think going with a more obscure company would be better. Then no one really knows too much about it. We have a greater chance at being more original with our ideas.”
Well, the blonde stud had a brain after all. I liked his idea, even though he didn’t suggest any companies. But the concept he described made sense. So why, when I answered him, did I not say that?
“You had to disagree with me, didn’t ya?” Whipping my arms across my chest, I sat back against my chair. There was venom in my voice.
But he didn’t bite. Rather, he closed his laptop and stood from the table.
“Where are you goin’?” I screeched.
His laptop went under his arm as he grabbed his water and phone. He proceeded to leave me alone sitting at the table.
“Logan, we’re supposed to work on this!”
Turning to face me, his eyes narrowed as he shook his head slightly. He drew in a full breath before talking, clearly working hard to rein in his emotions.
“I think you’re right, Tink. I think it’s late, and you’re tired.”
Spinning on his heels, he bound for the stairs without another word.
And left me.
Alone.
But I think I deserved it.
About an hour later, I heard voices downstairs and people moving around in the kitchen.
I was holed up in my room since Logan ran out on me, too embarrassed to see him around the house.
I hoped it was Macie. Since this morning, when I decided to let her in on some of my past, I’d been anxious to do it.
Me: You home? Is that you in the kitchen
Macie: yep, I’ll be right up
She came barging into my room, complete with two bowls of ice cream for us. Crawling into my bed, we got comfortable and put on an episode of New Girl.
“Thank you for the double chocolate chip ice cream,” I told her. “Did you stop for this?”
I caught her with a mouthful of her plain old vanilla with sprinkles as she nodded her answer.
“I thought we might need it. You made it sound pretty serious this morning.”
I was glad she remembered. It was easier to start talking about it with her bringing it up. However, now that the time had come, I was nervous and second-guessing telling her anything.
“Where were you tonight? I didn’t know you had plans.”
My way of deflecting.
“Oh, yeah, I had a meeting with a group from a class. It went hours longer than I expected, mostly because people were talking a lot of the time instead of doing what we needed to.”
Hoping we could eat and watch TV in a comfortable silence, I turned my attention back to the wide screen on my wall. Macie obliged and we sat back, bowls in hand, and enjoyed some Jessica, Nick, and the Winstons.
But then the show ended.
And our bowls were empty.
Macie turned her attention to me.
“Do you still want to talk?”
“Yeah, I do,” I told her. “There’s something about my childhood that might explain why I’ve been acting the way I am.”
She turned herself completely toward me, giving me her undivided attention. It was usually the opposite, me giving her advice or her needing to talk to me. This was an anomaly. But it felt good to have her here, by my side.
“Well,” I started. “You know that it’s just me, my mom, and my sister at home.”
She nodded.
And I blurted out the entire story about why my mom left my dad.
The fact was he started beating her when she was pregnant with me.
And it didn’t stop once she gave birth.
Thankfully, he never hit me. According to my mom, he would control her with threats of violence. The acts of violence were few and far between but often enough for her to not forget how they felt.
The problem was, she had no job. She was a stay-at-home mom. He had the upper hand because he controlled the money, and her.
But then the threats, the violence, stopped when I was around one. And she said they seemed to be doing OK. They even had another baby, my younger sister. She would never regret having my sister, she’s made that clear. But it was the trigger for the violence to start again.
For whatever reason, the stress of the babies put him over the edge.
And this time, it didn’t stop.
It actually got worse. He then started to sexually assault her as well.
Turns out he also had a drug problem, used up all their money. He would get mad at my mom when they ran out of money, all because of him.
Finally, when my sister and I were eight and six, she found the courage to leave him.
She moved us in with her parents until she got back on her feet.
Her dad, our grandpa, was instrumental in keeping our father away from us that first year.
After a while, our dad lost interest and stopped coming around.
Eventually she got him to sign divorce papers.
It took her years, but she made a great life for us.
However, it has definitely formed my opinion about men.
I have trouble trusting them. There’s no interest in a relationship because I doubt there is a guy out there worth my time.
Classic psychology study here.
I was quiet for quite a while once I finished my story, allowing it to sink in. It was cathartic finally telling it to someone, though.
Macie’s head tilted as her eyes turned down. The wetness in them didn’t surprise me. It was a sad story about my mom, I’ve cried plenty of tears over it.
She reached out, taking my hands in hers.
“I’m so sorry you guys went through that.” Sincerity laced her words. “And don’t take this the wrong way, babe. But why did you agree to Logan living here?”
That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it?
“Well,” I said, “Lanie was quite convincing. But more importantly, if I was the only one who said no, Logan wouldn’t have been able to come back to school. That’s a lot to put on me, a lot for me to carry.”
Pulling my hands from hers, I jumped out of the bed. As I paced across the carpet, my voice increased in volume.
“Don’t you see? I couldn’t be the one to not give him the chance he worked so hard for. Yet, I feel uncomfortable with all of this.”
But I wasn’t telling her the whole truth.
I wasn’t telling her that I saw how Lanie and Xander were with him this morning. That their trust in him did help me with how I felt about Logan. More than I was willing to admit.
And I wasn’t telling her that I was one hundred percent falling for Logan Somers and how that scared the shit out of me.