Chapter 28
TWENTY-EIGHT
One Year Ago
The icy air hits Kimmy the moment she steps into the back garden. Her flimsy dressing gown isn’t enough to keep her warm and goosebumps sprout along her arms.
‘Hey,’ Declan says, stretching out his arm to take her hand. He pulls her into him, and she lets him for a moment. The familiarity of it, she supposes. But she doesn’t move; she allows them this moment because it all ends tonight. And Kimmy wants to remember how he feels.
‘I missed you,’ he says, leading her towards the back fence, further into the shadows so there’s no chance they’ll be seen.
But they have been seen before, because Giles definitely knows. She hopes Georgia doesn’t know, too. Don’t mothers have some kind of sixth sense about their sons?
Declan leans down to kiss her, and for the first time since they began this thing, whatever it is, she finds herself repelled.
It’s not him physically, it’s the sordid nature of their affair.
The fact that she’s married, and that he’s barely twenty while she’s thirty-five.
Not her proudest moment. But he’d been there when she needed to talk; he’d listened without trying to fix her, like Xander does.
He’d just given her the space she needed to offload.
Kimmy pulls away and puts her hand on his chest to keep him at a distance. ‘We can’t do this any more,’ she says.
Declan stares at her. ‘What? Why? Has Xander found out?’
She shakes her head. ‘I don’t think so. At least, not yet. But Giles knows, and let’s just say I’m not in his good books. It’s only a matter of time before everyone finds out.’
‘I’m a grown man,’ Declan protests, sounding nothing like one. ‘We’re not doing anything wrong. We love each other.’
Her cheeks burn. She doesn’t love Declan, but she has said those words to him.
She’d uttered them because she’d loved being with him, adored how he made her feel.
He was the only person who could take her away from who she was, from her past. That was some feat.
But is that love? No, so she should never have said it.
‘I’m not in a good place,’ she explains. ‘My head . . . it’s a mess.’ Kimmy is fully aware that this sounds like a clichéd excuse. What’s next – it’s not you, it’s me? She shudders and folds her arms. Declan deserves better than that. He deserves the truth.
‘I’m sorry, it was a mistake. Not you . .
. just us. I’ve loved being with you, but now it’s time to stop.
I need to sort things out. Sort myself out.
’ She turns back to the house. It won’t be hers for much longer.
She’s getting out of here. She won’t tell Declan she’s leaving Silverleaf, though; that would only add to his pain.
Declan studies her for a moment, poker-faced, giving nothing away. Intense seconds tick by. ‘Okay,’ he finally says. ‘I understand.’
Perhaps she’s underestimated him. He is the mature young man she’d always found him to be, after all. That’s another thing that attracted her to him. ‘Okay, good. I’m sorry, Declan.’
‘It happens,’ he says with a shrug. ‘I’ll get over it. Shame, though. We had fun, didn’t we?’ He strokes her arm.
She should pull away, but she feels sorry for him, especially as he’s being so dignified about this.
‘Can I have a goodbye hug?’ he asks. ‘You don’t have to, but it would be nice.’
Although her instincts scream that this is a bad idea, especially when there’s been such strong chemistry between them, Kimmy nods.
And that’s what does it. Within seconds, he’s pulling at the loose fence panel at the back of her garden and leading her out, to the clearing they made just to have somewhere private they could meet up and be together.
He takes her hand and helps her through the undergrowth, and all she can think is: what’s the harm in having one last time together?
Three days after Kimmy ends her affair with Declan, everything changes.
At first the messages he sends express only sadness.
Nothing she wouldn’t expect after the intensity of their affair.
But then his words change into something else, and everything he says makes it seem like they’re still in a relationship.
Telling Kimmy he can’t wait to see her again, that he hopes Xander will go away again soon so that they can be together again.
I miss you, he writes. Everything about you. The way your hair smells like fresh flowers. And your body. How good it feels next to mine.
It sickens Kimmy to read these words when she’d made it clear to Declan that their relationship is over. She should delete every message without opening them, yet she’s compelled to see what he has to say.
She soon grows weary of the constant bombardment, though, and begins to delete them all without replying, then she forces Declan from her mind.
Giles is another person she has to deal with.
He watches her from his window, unsmiling, lowering his head in some kind of warning gesture whenever she looks over at him.
But Kimmy won’t be put off. She likes sitting out here on the green, and she’s not about to let Giles Barton or Declan Murphy spoil that for her. This place is cursed.
When she gets home from a long walk, a week after ending things with Declan, she takes one look at Xander and knows immediately something is wrong. He’s sitting at the kitchen table and doesn’t greet her when she walks in. Instead, he asks where she’s been.
‘Out walking.’
His eyes narrow as he takes in what she’s wearing: leggings and trainers for the walk she just mentioned. She’s not lying, but his eyes are full of mistrust. ‘Oh. Where did you go?’
This feels like an interrogation. ‘Thursley Park.’
‘In the rain?’
‘It’s just a bit of drizzle, Xander.’ She sits at the table and unlaces her trainers. ‘When have I ever been afraid of rain?’ She doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her – it’s making her more than uncomfortable.
He shrugs. ‘Just think it’s strange, that’s all. That you’d want to go for a long walk in this weather.’
Xander knows. Without a doubt. Giles must have told him about Declan.
Kimmy’s body turns cold. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Xander, not like this.
There would have been a better way to let him know their marriage is over, that she’s leaving him.
Leaving Thursley. But Kimmy has always known that she’d mess her life up, that she’s one big hot mess.
That voice in her head fights to be heard: no, you’re not.
But she drowns it out and walks to the sink to fill a glass with water.
And then something in her snaps. She’s had enough of people making her feel bad about herself, as if she’s worthless. ‘What are you saying, Xander?’
He gets up from the table and walks over to her, stroking her cheek, his hand moving to her neck. ‘I know,’ he says. ‘I know everything.’
And now Kimmy has to face what she’s done. There’s no running away from it, pretending that it never happened, or that it doesn’t matter because now she’s ended things with Declan. Xander will show her that it does matter. Everything does.
‘How long?’ he asks. His voice is measured. How much time has he wasted sitting at the table planning what to say?
‘Five months,’ Kimmy says. She forces herself to look at him, because he deserves that, at least.
Xander’s face seems to cave in on itself. ‘Five months,’ he repeats. ‘Nearly half a year.’ He lifts her hand and touches her gold wedding ring, then he shoves her arm back, so forcefully it makes her scream.
Kimmy fights back tears. She can’t fully blame him for this – he doesn’t know the full story of her past, that violence was the ritual of her childhood. He’s not a bad person, it’s his pain making him act this way. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘It’s over now. I ended it. A week ago.’
‘Don’t you get it?’ Xander shouts. ‘It can never be over. He’s our neighbour! You expect me to live with a constant reminder that my wife is a whore!’
Kimmy shrinks back, despite being determined not to shrivel, not to give anyone that control over her.
‘You’re pathetic, Xander. This is about your stupid ego.
You couldn’t care less about me.’ Even though she says this, she knows it’s not true.
Xander loves her, Kimmy has never doubted that.
‘He’ll leave home soon,’ she says, her voice softening.
‘Declan hates it here. He’s saving up to get his own place once he’s finished university. You’ll hardly see him.’
‘Don’t say his name to me!’ Xander grabs her wrist.
‘Let go of me!’
He lets it fall. ‘Even if I do, Giles will never let this go,’ he says. ‘He’ll hold it over me! You’ve ruined everything, Kimmy.’
‘Then leave. You don’t have to stay here!’ Kimmy yells. ‘You can get away from Giles and Declan and everyone.’
‘And you’ll come with me?’ His eyes plead with her.
To calm him down, Kimmy could tell him that of course she will, but she’s already hurt him enough. No more lies. She doesn’t respond, knowing that her silence will speak for itself.
Xander shakes his head. ‘I knew you were fucked up, but you’ve really outdone yourself.’
Tears sting Kimmy’s eyes. ‘I know. Let me put it right.’
He leans in close to her. ‘And how will you do that?’
‘I don’t know. But I’ll think of something. I’ll make sure Giles never says a word to anyone.’
‘It’s too late. You’ve burned that bridge by telling Giles what Moira supposedly said. Why the hell would you bring up his dead wife? Imply that Giles had some sordid secret! You must have known how he’d react.’
‘I wasn’t lying. Moira told me—’
‘Don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter. That’s their business, not ours. Giles will never trust you after this, so how do you think we can go on living here?’
Kimmy can’t find the words to tell him that she doesn’t have the energy to make that her problem. She’s done with this place and everyone in it. ‘It’s your house! You don’t have to see the neighbours if you don’t want to! Just keep to yourself.’
‘Oh, Kimmy. It’s far too late for that.’