9. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Let’s have dinner tonight,” Cooper said as we made our way to Mason’s session later in the day. “There’s this cute bar by the hotel. I think you’ll like it.”
I raised an eyebrow. I trusted Cooper to make sure I could access any place he selected to eat. The people I trusted the most were those who looked out for my needs without being prompted. It was a quality he shared with Mason and one of the things that made me like him as soon as we met.
We were running late for Mason’s session.
This was the last session before lunch which he was presenting with Heather.
I had gotten sidetracked talking to someone about my vision for EncycloWiki.
That left us in the back of the room. We entered one of the larger rooms, where tables had been set up.
I was impressed that it was easy for me to get my chair under it and noticed that it was designed to rise and lower as much as someone needed.
Nobody had touched it for their own comfort.
I was glad Cooper and I could sit together.
I was positioned in the corner of Mason’s eyeline.
I had hoped to avoid his attention, but we locked eyes and his shoulders tensed.
Now that he was completely aware of me, I suspected I would be the center of his attention.
Mason’s strength had always been teaching.
He had thrived in the classroom and had always been a favorite among students.
He made sure his students understood the assignments, had mentors who supported them, and got opportunities to build their own resumes.
Even if he took a back seat, they got what they needed.
“Before I get started, I just want to make sure you know these aren’t all my slides,” he said, his deep voice still able to make me feel comfortable and safe.
I was irritated that he was using someone else’s slides. However desperate he may be for tenure, the man I knew would never do that.
“My colleague Heather worked with me on this presentation, but she had a personal emergency today and had to stay home. I’m picking up her part of the presentation as best I can.”
I relaxed and let go of my irritation with that explanation.
Of course Mason would do this as a way to help a newer colleague.
I wished someone was taking care of him as well as he was taking care of others.
In my experience, researchers wouldn’t acknowledge a missing colleague and take credit for anything they could.
While I fumed about his problems, Mason ran through his slide deck, talking about the changes in public discourse expectations and how EncycloWiki could help manage that. He talked about impact factors for articles increasingly considering EncycloWiki’s reach.
“What’s an impact factor?” a young man sitting at the table next to me whispered.
“It’s a number assigned to an article to show the impact it has in the world,” I responded, leaning my head down so Mason wouldn’t see us talking.
“It considers how many other articles are citing yours, the subscriptions of the publication, which websites are linking to it, and even social media mentions.”
The man turned to me, eyes wide, and whispered, “I didn’t realize that was critical.”
Cooper and I looked at the young man, both with eyebrows raised. “Are you an academic?” I asked.
The man’s head shook very subtly. “I was considering going back to school though and wondered if EncycloWiki would count toward class credit.”
“Then you don’t have to worry about impact factor.” Cooper shook his head, and I heard the man sigh.
When Mason was done, most of the people in the room raised their hands with questions.
“Did this get you tenure?” was the first question asked.
I rolled my eyes. The person had missed the point about this being more important than getting tenure.
Mason opened his mouth but took a few seconds before saying anything. “I know tenure is important, but this work will help you do the things that can get you tenure. We’re being asked to contribute to the public discourse. EncycloWiki is a way to do that.”
“But did it get you tenure?” the person asked again.
Mason shrugged. “I don’t know yet. I applied for it this year. Yes, I did include the work I do as an editor, teacher, and researcher.”
“So you don’t even know if this works?” another person asked.
Mason’s thick eyebrows furrowed, and his shoulders slumped. “I’m not saying it will work. Each university is different, but these are ways to think of how your work here will make a difference.”
This presentation had helped me understand how Mason may have used his EncycloWiki work in his own tenure pack.
He probably hadn’t shared the edits he had made, but how it impacted his teaching as well as tried to showcase the impact of his research through its inclusion in EncycloWiki.
That would be great if he had been the first author and his colleagues weren’t looking for ways to discredit him.
Mason’s irritation at the question made me realize how much he had changed, and defeat radiated from him as he merely thought about getting tenure.
His shoulders sagged, and he looked down.
The man before me was a faded shadow of the man I had loved.
That man had always been engaged and fun when doing something he loved.
He talked to people, observed what was going on, and asked questions.
Now he was shut down and disconnected. I was curious how he had ended up chair of the planning committee this year.
He had never attended this conference before.
I wanted to confirm it with Grace, but I was suddenly sure Lois had forced him to chair the event for the campus.
I felt my face get red as I remembered that he had wanted the safety of academia.
He thought this was the way to make a difference in the world without worrying if he’d have a job in six months.
He didn’t want to raise money to start a non-profit.
He knew there were obligations to gain that level of security, but was he doing his part? Had Lois warned him it wasn’t enough?
I backed away from the desk while Mason was still answering the question.
This was an exhausting emotional rollercoaster.
Each time I felt any pity for how shitty his life seemed, my anger responded and flared.
All it took was one memory of what I had done for myself.
I decided to hide in the bathroom for a little while.
“Do you know when they’re bringing out some snacks?” an attendee asked as I wheeled away from the bathroom about twenty minutes later.
I opened my mouth, ready to snap at the poor person, but bit it back. “Let me check,” I said.
I wheeled into the prep kitchen where catering had left food for the event. I didn’t get far into the doorway before I heard an argument. I recognized the voices right away.
“I can’t believe you left it out of your tenure pack. I told you what you need to do to get tenure now and you seem to be willfully ignoring it,” Dr. Fairfax said.
“It hadn’t even been submitted to the journal by the due date,” Mason added. “If you had given me a hint that your expectations were going to focus more on my research and less on my teaching, then maybe I could have built the packet you’re imagining I have.”
“We can’t become a research university with great teachers,” Lois said through her teeth. “We need people who are doing research that pulls in federal grants and funds graduate students.”
“It’s funny, Lois, you like to take on new projects and change goals when it will look good for you.
You did this to Penny with the accessibility work.
Once you were provost, you were ready to do it without giving her any credit.
Now you’ve moved the goalpost without giving anyone a heads up,” Mason said, a small growl in his voice.
“You’re supposed to be my mentor. You’re supposed to help me be successful.
You couldn’t give people a few years to transition their work and expectations. You had to drop it on us like a bomb.”
“I can’t change what your colleagues expect now that we’re trying to become a research university.
To them, it looks like you’ve barely done anything since you were hired.
Lizbeth agreed to let you co-chair to help your tenure packet.
I’m glad she understands how academia works!
” Dr. Fairfax’s voice rose in pitch. She was clearly frustrated with Mason, and I had to agree if what she said was true.
“You know what?” Mason said, the anger in his voice making him enunciate each word.
“If this is how your new university works, then maybe I don’t belong here.
My chance with jobs around EncycloWiki may not work out, but there has to be something better.
Maybe I belong at the community college where teaching is valued. ”
My heart raced and I could feel my body heat rise.
I had never heard Mason so forceful with Lois.
He always seemed to trust her to lead him to success.
I had just thought he had given up, but now I could see the fire wasn’t extinguished.
Not only had he called Lois out about his chances at tenure, but he had acknowledged how she had betrayed and manipulated me when I was in grad school.
This was the man I had fallen in love with and clearly my body still reacted with the same desire I had felt then.
Their voices seemed to be getting closer.
I wheeled back from the doorway and turned my chair out of sight.
Mason came out of the doorway a few moments later carrying a tray of cookies.
Dr. Fairfax was right behind him with a case of waters.
Obviously their argument wasn’t over if Dr. Fairfax was helping him set up the snacks.
Now I understood how someone who had never attended this conference got to be co-chair.
I didn’t fault Lizbeth for accepting the help.
I was positive Mason had pulled his weight.
If he hadn’t, she would have asked me for help.
“I don’t know what goes on inside your head, Mason,” the older woman said. “You belong at this university, but you make no effort to make yourself essential to its future. Your students are out the door when they graduate. Stop investing your energy into promoting their careers.”
Mason put the tray down and I moved on, not wanting to overhear more of the fight.
I thought I had cleared my head of the emotional tug of war.
My sudden desire for him was mixed up with my anger that I wasn’t ready to give up.
Maybe the life I wanted for him wasn’t what he wanted, but I wasn’t the only one who had tried to mold him into the right man.
He wanted to teach and support students.
He had put up that barrier and held it all these years.
Now it was going to cost him this job, but he knew it.
My reaction was even more surprising. I had never been so aroused by anyone.
At least, not since Mason and I had broken up.