Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Amelia stared at the flowers without seeing them. Zach thought the Dakota farmer was ideal for her. In a sense, he was. His farm sounded like the one she’d loved as a child. His life sounded simpler than here on the ranch. Wasn’t that everything she wanted for Poppy?
And yet, if Zach asked her, she would stay.
Instead, he urged her to think of the Dakota farmer as if he couldn’t wait for her to leave.
Why couldn’t he admit he needed her? Gil couldn’t be counted on to be sober enough to make one meal a day, let alone three.
And as to watching Pa and making sure he didn’t wander away…
well, Zach might as well ask Poppy to do it.
Amelia did all that day in and day out. Cheerfully and willingly. Wasn’t Zach aware of that?
Yes, he needed her. But she wanted more than that. She longed for him to desire her. Even if she did none of the things she’d just listed, couldn’t he allow her a little corner of his heart?
She picked a bluebell and studied it. These sturdy little flowers bloomed despite the drought and winds.
She must do the same. Whether in the Northwest Territories of Canada or the Dakota Territories.
No matter where she went or what challenges she encountered, the Lord was with her.
Life was made for living, loving, and laughing, if one chose that way.
She silently repeated that sentence several times, hoping to embed it in her brain, hoping it would erase everything else.
Even if her wishes weren’t fulfilled, it was her choice to either be grateful for the future ahead of her or bemoan what lay behind.
To wallow in regrets and frustrated dreams or to embrace a generous offer from the Dakota farmer.
Easing air into her tight chest again and again until the muscles relaxed, she let her worries and disappointments slip away.
God loved her no matter where she made her home and no matter who she shared it with.
She would choose to trust Him to guide and direct her path and to uphold her by His righteous right hand.
Laughing, she bounced to her feet and grabbed Zach’s hand, ran down the slope into the middle of the flowers, where she stopped, took both his hands, leaned back, and swung them in a circle.
He offered no protest, and they circled wildly until she was out of breath. His eyes were dark, full of laughter. “What’s come over you?”
“Life.” She told him how she realized it didn’t matter where she was or what life sent her way, the Lord was with her.
Would he understand his refusal to admit her into his life was part of what she struggled to accept…
forced her to dig deep to find the source of joy that came from knowing God would never leave her nor forsake her?
Peace eased through her as she said, “It’s a shame to let disappointments and challenges rob us of happiness. Life and love and laughter are meant to be enjoyed.”
They stood a foot apart, in a green bowl of land, surrounded by many-hued flowers, a canopy of blue sky above them. She smiled at him, wanting him to realize he, too, could enjoy life despite the heavy burdens he bore.
“Life, love, and laughter, you say?”
She nodded, letting his hungry gaze search hers. Would he see, understand, and accept all that her words meant?
He grinned at her and pulled her after him as he ran up the hill and across the prairie, not slowing until they reached a grove of trees. He lifted his hands over his head and laughed.
She bent over, trying to catch her breath. When her lungs no longer struggled for air, she joined his laughter. He caught her hand again.
“Tell me we aren’t having another race,” she said.
“Nope, but we’re going to enjoy a bit of life and laughter.”
But he’d left out “love.” “How are we going to do that?”
“By playing.” He dropped her hand and, still facing her, danced away. “See if you can catch me.”
She stared at him.
“Have you forgotten how to play?” he teased.
“It’s been a long time.” She pretended to give the idea serious consideration, then leaped toward him.
He sidestepped behind a tree. She reached for him, but he darted from tree to tree as she chased.
She laughed so hard that she finally collapsed to the ground.
“Give up?” He eased closer. Waited. Came closer still.
She lay motionless until just the right moment and then lunged for him, catching him around the ankles.
He crashed to the ground, landing on his back. The air whooshed from his lungs. He lay so still she jumped up and rushed to his side. “Zach, are you okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
His eyes were wide, beseeching.
“Can’t you breathe? What do you want me to do?”
He crooked his finger, and as she leaned over him, he caught her wrists and pulled her to his chest.
She could sprawl on him or lean on her upper arms. She wanted to do the former but wisely chose the latter, her elbows cradling his ribs on either side like a hug. He held their clasped hands over his heart. Did he do it on purpose, silently telling her that’s where she belonged?
But of course, he didn’t. And of course, she didn’t belong there.
His pupils widened so only a brim of brown iris remained in his eyes. His hat had landed behind him, and a lock of his hair dipped over his forehead.
She didn’t move. Couldn’t. This was where she wanted to be. To belong. And she didn’t mean the ranch, though it was part and parcel of who Zach was. She meant his family. But most of all, she meant Zach.
“I caught you.” His words rumbled from his chest, vibrating through her fingers, up her arms, and into her heart. Oh, if only it meant what she wanted it to mean.
“I didn’t know I was still being chased,” she murmured.
“In case you’ve forgotten, we were playing a game.”
He might have been, but she wasn’t.
“I thought you’d hurt yourself.” She freed herself from his grasp, left behind the heart-to-heart connection that was in her mind only, and sat up.
He grunted as he sat beside her. “I might have been hurt just a little.”
She turned her head to study him. “Really?” She sounded uncertain, not knowing if he had been bruised or if he was teasing.
“Yeah. I never expected you to play such a dirty trick on me.” Oh, what hurt he managed to put into his words, though she wasn’t convinced.
“All’s fair in love and war.”
“War, is it?” He puffed out his lips. “I know who I’m at war with, but who are you warring with?”
Several answers sprang to her mind. None of which she could give voice to.
She was at war with his reluctance, with disappointment, and even with her own goal, which was, first and foremost, to give Poppy the kind of security that Amelia’d known as a child.
Besides, it wasn’t war she was thinking about.
It was love. Zach watched her, waiting for her answer.
“I’m at war with how people will judge Poppy.”
“I can’t believe anyone would look at that sweet child and judge her for something she had nothing to do with. But I know they will. Giving her a father will help a lot. Especially if the man is supportive and protective of her.”
“I know.” She thought of how Zach often held the child, how Poppy pressed to his chest with such free affection. And Kat, Pa, and even Gil all adored the little girl. How could she rip the sweet child away from everything this place offered?
And yet, what choice did she have?
She got to her feet. “I better get back and make sure she’s okay.”
Zach fell in beside her. As they passed the barn, Amelia pulled him to a halt. “Look.”
Laughter carried to them as Kat chased Poppy, catching her and swinging her into the air, then putting her down to do it again. Both of them laughed with abandon. And Pa sat by the house watching and chuckling.
Zach squeezed Amelia’s hands. “So good to come home to them enjoying themselves.” He glanced toward the bunkhouse. “I doubt Gil has sobered up yet.”
“Let him sleep it off. I’ll make supper.”
“He’s supposed to be the cook. Just as he was hired to watch Pa.”
“He cooked for the men when they were here. Besides, I don’t mind making meals. What would you like?”
He seemed surprised by her question. His slow smile made her blink. “Ma made a real nice supper of creamed peas and hard-boiled eggs and served it on biscuits.” His words deepened. “I haven’t had it since she died.”
“You’ll have it tonight,” she promised.
Together, they crossed the yard to the house. Poppy saw them and ran straight for Zach. Seeing her intent, he held out his arms and caught her.
Amelia’s throat tightened until she couldn’t get in a satisfying breath. If only Zach would change his mind and see her and Poppy not as a complication, but as a blessing.
He was unwilling to do so, and she hurried inside before a sob left her throat.
Her distress gave way to pleasure while she made biscuits and creamed peas and eggs.
As he ate the food she’d prepared, Zach sighed with pleasure and thanked her.
Pa ate about half his serving, then put his knife and fork down. “Evelyn must be home.”
Tension grabbed Amelia. A darted glance at Zach, and she understood he, too, sensed the change in Pa. Telling him she wasn’t back could well send him into a dark place. Or he might go looking for her.
Amelia coughed, but it did nothing to ease the way her throat tightened. If only she could find a way to make him accept his wife’s death and find peace in the present. The best she could hope to do was divert him.
“I made the creamed peas.” She prayed her words wouldn’t upset him. “Did I do as well as Evelyn would?”
“I don’t know.” He took a mouthful and considered the taste. “It’s pretty good. But you know, I don’t think anyone could be as good as my Evelyn.” He glanced from one direction to another, no doubt searching for Evelyn. His gaze rested on Amelia.
Did she sit where Evelyn once had? She resisted an urge to shift over beside Kat.
Pa looked at Poppy, who was blessedly unaware of the drama, and sighed. “I sure do miss her.” He returned to eating.
A collective sigh followed his words and actions.