Chapter 39 Jordan
jordan
Holy. Shit. She apologized. She wants to get to know me.
Me. My heart does a cautiously optimistic flip in my chest. She wants to kiss me—more than kiss me, actually.
Wait…is this some sort of weird dream? Did that bear have some sort of hallucinogen in it?
Or is this because I chugged her gin? I would have to be flat out drunk for her to be asking to get to know me more.
Right? I rub my hand across the stubble on my chin.
I can still feel my face, so I’m not drunk.
This is real. I take a deep breath, trying and failing to calm my pounding heart before I lay all my cards on the table.
It’s now or never.
“When I was eighteen, I met this girl, Angelica, at a party after a game. She was pretty and showered me with a lot of attention. I’d never had a girlfriend before—I honestly never had time—but we hit it off and started dating.
After a month or so, our fooling around was really heating up, and she started pressuring me to sleep with her.
I know, I know. What guy wouldn’t want a girl throwing herself at him, right?
Fuck.” I rub my forehead with my hand. “God, this is so cheesy—I can’t believe I’m even talking about this. ”
“Jordan,” she says, giving my hand, still resting in her lap, a squeeze.
The small gesture steadies me, my chest lifting enough to keep me going.
“Listen, we all had a first time, and almost all of them are awkward in some way. Mine was in the back of a pickup truck after a football game. Let me tell you, leather seats in August are not sexy. Seriously…it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Go on.”
Okay, now I’m trying not picture her with another guy in a pickup truck. Focus, Jordan.
“I just always dreamed of it being special, you know? I wanted to have a deep, meaningful relationship with a girl I was madly in love with, woo her, then have a super romantic night where we did it for the first time with candles and rose petals. You know…” —I shrug— “the works. Blame all the chick flicks my sisters made me watch, but that’s just how I’d always imagined things.
But Angelica just kept pushing. One night, she begged me, told me she loved me.
I convinced myself that it was romantic enough.
I told her I loved her, too, and I decided to just give in and go for it.
She knew…” —I rub my hands across my pants— “she knew I was still a virgin. It wasn’t because I was saving myself or anything, I just am very…
I don’t know…picky, maybe? But she said she was a virgin too, so I figured at least we’d have this.
To be each other’s firsts. So…we had sex. ”
I run my fingers through my hair, feeling the strands sticking up at odd angles, my ears ringing as I find myself back in that damn room at eight-fucking-teen.
“What I didn’t know was that she’d been lying to me the entire time.
She just wanted me for my money. Nothing more.
She…she videotaped us. We were at her apartment, and I didn’t know she had a hidden camera in the room.
There was no audio, but it was damning. Then she leaked it to the press.
After it was out, I confronted her, embarrassed and ashamed, my first time was plastered all over the internet.
She didn’t care. Added insult? Turns out she wasn’t a virgin either. ”
Her jaw tightens as she places her other hand on top of mine. The anger brewing in her gaze at everything I’m telling her reminds me of Vladi. Is she a touch him and die type of woman? Holy shit. She is.
“My whole world came crashing down in a matter of hours. She said she had interviews lined up and that she was going to tell them it was my first time, that she faked everything, and that I was a horrible lay that didn’t know what I was doing, and…
fuck…” My eyes burn, but I refuse to shed any more tears over this.
“It was so bad. I felt so betrayed. Looking back, I should have picked up on so many little things about how everything was always about her. How dismissive she was to me at times, like not letting me eat at my favorite poutine place. Even her brown eyes always seemed cold. I was a complete fucking idiot. I immediately called my dad to tell him I fucked up, which meant we had to react quickly.”
She squeezes my hand again, an empathetic smile on her face as tears shine in her eyes. “Jordan. I…I can’t even imagine what that must have been like. The fact that someone did this to you? God, I wish I could punch her in the throat!”
“I like to imagine I’m poking her eyes out with little kabob skewers.”
We both snort, a welcome relief from the heaviness in the air. “I…I wish I had words to say other than I’m so sorry that happened to you. That is not what anyone’s first time should be like.”
My knuckles go white, holding onto her hand like a lifeline I’ve never had before. One I didn’t realize I desperately needed.
“We hired the PR company Hannah had just joined and came up with a plan. The video was already out—there was nothing we could do about that—but we could pay Angelica a ridiculous amount of money for her silence. A sex video online created a playboy image, so we made it seem like I did this all the time and that someone just happened to film me and leak it to the media.” My laugh is jaded, years of masks and press forcing me deeper into the cushions.
“It’s not that I’m embarrassed to express my emotions.
But…being an enforcer, I had a reputation I felt like I needed to keep up.
Be the big tough guy everyone was afraid of.
The draft was a couple months away, and a long, drawn-out trial would been a terrible look for me, my family, and exposed us to way more than a celebrity sex tape.
Shit, we’ve all seen those. Luckily, the playboy persona played right into the image I was trying to project.
And the PR team thought this was the best thing for my career, so we just… leaned into it.”
“You keep saying they thought this was the best thing. Did you think it was the right decision?”
My heart flutters. No one has ever asked me if I thought this was the right thing to do. No one has ever asked me how I felt. How can someone who has just seen through the cracks in my mask see what I’ve been hiding for so long more clearly than anyone else?
“No. I wanted to tell everyone she was lying. To make a statement. But I was barely out of high school; I didn’t know what the fuck was the right thing to do.
And, right or wrong, I made the decision to go with it.
I did have a choice. Was it the right one?
” I shrug. “I’m not sure. I’m not sure I’ll ever really know. ”
Talking about all this has the anger that’s been slowly burning deep inside reigniting like a fire with a fresh log thrown on top.
I grit my teeth. The flames that were almost out are now at full height and eager to burn the world down.
But a soothing motion running across my hand sends a calming chill through me as Kennedy rubs her thumb along mine.
“Did you love her?”
“No.” I shake my head with a huff, shifting my gaze to our hands. “I only said it because I felt like I had to say it back. I honestly didn’t even know what I was doing, but I knew somewhere deep down I didn’t love her.” I lift my eyes to meet hers. “She wasn’t the one.”
It’s almost ironic that the person I am falling in love with is the one comforting me while I relive this horrible, life-altering event.
One I never wanted to share with her. Yet somehow, she’s making it not as bad as I thought it would be.
Something about the way she’s looking at me, not with pity or disgust, but with compassion and understanding, lets me take my first deep breath since sitting on the couch.
I want to be in her arms. I want to feel every bit of her body pressed against mine right now.
Even the gentle touch of her hand on mine gives me the strength to get the rest of this sham that’s been my life out.
“All of those girls I’ve been photographed with, the ones you see on my arm in the press?
I’ve never slept with them. They were all staged photos.
Some were friends of my family, acquaintances we knew we could trust to keep quiet.
Every single one fully vetted with a signed NDA.
Hell, even Hannah would pose with me sometimes.
She has quite the extensive wig collection, believe it or not. ”
Kennedy’s brows narrow, her head tilting to the side. “You’ve never been with any of those women? Not even one?”
“Nope.” I shake my head. “Unfortunately, the only person I have slept with is mother-fucking Angelica. I didn’t even want to do it.
I just felt so pressured. And I was a complete fool for not seeing that she was only into my money.
And then, for the grand finale cherry on top of it all, I find out I’m horrible in bed. ”
“Jordan.” The quiet reassurance in her voice dulls the rage bubbling under my skin.
I wish I were in the middle of a game and could punch someone.
But sitting here with her? She feels like the cool air that hits the minute you skate onto the rink—burning my lungs in the best way possible. “You couldn’t have—”
“Kennedy, don’t. I know what you’re going to say. I’ve heard it from my family a million times.”
Her eyes widen as a snarky expression crosses her face. “You’re a mind reader now? You know exactly what I’m going to say?”
“I’ve heard it all before,” I say in an irritated singsong voice. “I wasn’t a fool. I couldn’t have known. It’ll all be okay…same shit, different day.”
“Hmm,” she says, her eyes piercing directly into mine. “That’s not at all what I was going to say.”
I look at her, confused. Maybe I mistook her compassion for hatred? She does seem like she hates me most of the time.
“It wasn’t?”
“No,” she says softly. “Jordan, how do you know?”