Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
ARTHUR
Elliot: How are you doing?
Arthur: Fine.
Elliot: Well, I know you’re fiiiine. But how are you holding up?
Arthur: Fine.
Elliot: …
Arthur: Looking forward to coming home.
Elliot: About that. Do you want me to see if Sam can stay at Rhett’s tonight? I could meet you at your place, or you could come here?
Arthur: No. It’ll be late. And I want to be at the office first thing tomorrow.
Elliot: Of course.
Elliot: Good luck tonight!
Arthur: Thanks.
Elliot: Text me after the game?
Arthur: Sure.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting at my desk staring at last night’s messages to Elliot. Long enough that the crappy cup of coffee I bought on my way in has gone cold.
I didn’t text her after the game. The game we lost. Just like the one before that. Two games into the series and we’re down by two. Off to a great start, I think bitterly.
I can’t wait to watch you lose. Well, at least I’m not disappointing the old man, for once in my life.
I scroll through our messages again. Elliot’s are like her; full of sweetness and humour. Cheeky at times, concerned at others. Whereas mine are all doom and gloom. One word answers. Cold. Clinical. Dismissive.
When I got home last night, I read the messages again. I had “home” typed out but deleted it. What’s the point? She would have asked how I was. My options would have been to lie to her like I’ve been doing since I left Boston, or tell her the truth and bring her down with me.
So I chose to spare us the whole song and dance.
I tell myself I’m protecting her, but that’s bullshit too. Like everything else.
“Morning, beauty,” Noah greets as he waltzes in with a cup of coffee in each hand. I must be glaring pretty hard because his face breaks into a grin. “What? Too early for sweet talk?”
“It’s always too early where you’re concerned.” I begrudgingly accept the coffee. At least this one’s hot.
“You’re welcome,” he says as he sits down.
“Thank you,” I bite out.
“Sleep well?”
I decide not to dignify that with a response. I glanced at myself in the mirror before I left the house. It was not the reflection of a well rested man.
“Guess not.” He raises his cup to his mouth and takes a sip. “We played better last night at least.”
“We still lost.”
“Yeah. In overtime. It happens. We’ll get it back tomorrow.”
“Even if we do, we’re still down in the series.”
“Geez, Suzy Sunshine. Tamper that enthusiasm, would you?” His sarcasm isn’t welcome and I’m about to tell him so when there’s a soft knock on my open office door.
“Hi,” Elliot says from the doorway. She’s wearing her team trainers outfit and a tentative expression. Her hair is tied back in a much tidier ponytail than usual. It makes me miss her usual messy buns.
“Hey, Elliot.” Noah gives her a wave and she smiles at him. I take this unguarded moment to study her face. She looks as tired as I feel. Much, much prettier though. Jesus. Did she get prettier in the few days since I’ve seen her? How is that possible?
“Hi, Noah. Nice assist last night.”
“Thank you. Would have liked a better ending.”
“I know. But you’ll get them tomorrow night.”
Noah looks at me, smug as hell. “Yeah, we will.”
Irritation hits hard and low. “Did you need something?” I meant the words for Noah, but Elliot thinks I’m talking to her.
“Oh. No. Yeah. I’m sorry to interrupt.” She walks quickly to my desk, not meeting my eye, and drops something on the dark mahogany.
“Your keys?” I hope my voice didn’t betray the panic I’m feeling. Why is she turning in her keys? Is she quitting?
“Yes. My girl Millie has finally been declared road worthy. I really do appreciate the loan. Especially for so long. It really got me through the winter.”
I want to tell her to keep the car. No one here missed it. Even if her car’s been fixed, the term “road worthy” doesn’t inspire me with a lot of confidence. I want her and Sam to be safe.
“Well, thanks again. I’ll get out of your hair.”
“Elliot, wait.”
She turns to face me, all wide eyed and hopeful.
I clear my throat. “The car is available if you need it again.”
She blinks once. Twice. Then nods. “Thank you.” It’s the sadness in her voice that tears me apart. Knowing it’s because of me. Because no matter what I do, I’m always going to hurt her.
She gives a quick “Bye” to Noah and then she’s gone. Leaving me to stare at the doorway wishing she was still standing in it.
God, I’m a jackass.
“You’re such a jackass.”
My head whips to Noah. It’s one thing for me to think I’m a jackass. It’s entirely another to have my player actually call me one.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re a goddamn jackass.”
“You listen to me, Watts—”
“No, Ace, you listen to me. You decided to pursue Elliot. You broke all your stupid rules and took a chance and let her in. And now what? Life gets hard and you’re out?
” He shakes his head. “She’s in love with you, man.
And anyone who’s known you for more than five minutes can see that you feel the same way.
But that’s it? The boat springs a leak and you shove the poor girl in a lifeboat and cast her away so you can what? Go down with the miserable ship?”
“Well, it’s better than taking her down with me.” I bark.
He looks at me with pity, and I hate it. “You really think that, don’t you?”
I close my eyes, trying to keep my temper contained. “I tried, Noah. I really tried. But I’m not cut out to be happy. I don’t deserve to be. At the end of the day, I’m too much like him. I don’t want to be, but I am.”
“You’re not your father, Ace.” His voice is closer, like he’s leaned forward. “If anything, you’re acting like your mom.”
My eyes fly open. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”
His face is sad as he sits back in his seat. “You used to talk about her. Remember?”
I do, but I don’t want to admit it so I say nothing.
“Back in our glory days. When we’d celebrate a win a little too much or drown our sorrows after a tough loss. We’d get wasted and end up talking about our shitty childhoods.”
Noah also had a no good son of a bitch for a father. The difference is that his mom managed to get him and his sisters away from him when he was a teenager.
“You talked mostly about your dad, rightfully so. In fact, I only ever remember you really talking about your mom the once. You said when your father was at his worst, she’d shut down. Deny anything was wrong. Push everyone that might be able to help away. Stiff upper lip and all that bullshit.”
I think of my mom in the kitchen making dinner with red eyes and tear stained cheeks. Neither of us seemed to know how to talk about our feelings so we didn’t try. It’s like our subconsciouses mutually agreed to suffer in silence.
I never blamed my mother, but sometimes I wonder if she blamed herself. If that’s why she couldn’t help me, or herself.
“You think you’re built like your dad, Ace, but that’s just not true. Your dad is a narcissist. He wouldn’t think of anyone else’s well being. You’re so terrified that you might mess things up with Elliot that you’re too fucking scared to even try.”
“I don’t want to hurt her. Or Sam.”
He gives a little laugh and shakes his head.
“Life is messy, man. You think after the childhood I had I planned on being a dad? A single dad at that? I was so far out of my depth. But I showed up. And I accepted help. And now Jilly’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
Life is just a never ending cycle of choices.
And sometimes the choices you make end up making you. ”
“How do you know you’re making the right choice?”
“You don’t.”
“Well, that’s comforting,” I say sarcastically.
He laughs. “We’re all just doing our best, man. And that’s all we can do.” He pushes himself to stand. “Just do me a favour. Take the night and think on it. Really think about what you want.”
“And then what?”
“And then you have an honest conversation with your girl.”
It occurs to me that the last time Noah referred to Elliot as that, I corrected him. I don’t this time. Elliot is my girl.
He opens his arms. “How about that hug?”
“Fuck off with the hugs.”
“Alright, alright.”
“Watts? Thanks.”
“Anytime, Ace. I’ve got a team skate to get to. We’ve got a game tomorrow.” He pauses at the door and raises an eyebrow at me. “Where we will…”
I grin at him. “Pound them into dust.”
“Yeah, we will.”