17. Clara
CLARA
I scrubbed the floors harder than I ever had in my entire life.
Would it bring my husband home? Probably not, but when he did walk through that door, I wanted there to be nothing to fight about.
I squeezed my eyes closed as the brush slipped and knocked my knuckles hard against the floor. Sitting back, I cradled my hand against my chest, trying my damndest not to cry. This wasn’t the way my renewal of life was supposed to go.
My days were supposed to be filled with happiness and joy, not tears and worries that I’d never see my husband again.
And yet, I knew I had done the right thing.
When I saw him in the gym, attacking Deke for absolutely no reason, something in me broke. Hope that my husband would take my words to heart fled the building, and I was left standing there, holding my heart in my hands.
Why couldn’t he see what he was doing to us? To himself! He was so angry that he was blinded to everything around him—good or bad.
That he was ruining us.
“Momma?” Lizzy called out, the screen door slamming behind her.
I quickly brushed the tears from my eyes and got to my feet, leaving the bucket of dirty water on the ground. “Lizzy!” I beamed, hoping my eyes didn’t betray me.
“Hey,” she said sadly, as if all it took was one look at me to know something was wrong.
“Where’s Willa this morning?”
“She’s having a girls’ day with Bailey and Krista. I needed the break.”
“Well, you deserve it. So, what are you doing with your freedom?”
“Actually, I was thinking we could hang out.”
I tucked several strands of wild hair behind my ear, only for them to pop out again, fuzzing around my face. “Well, I was just cleaning, but I’m up for anything. What did you have in mind?”
“I thought we could do something you wanted.”
My hair fell in my face again, annoying me beyond measure. “Well, if you really want to do something with me, you’ll take me to get my hair cut.”
“Same as always?” she asked, almost sounding bored at the prospect.
I was about to tell her yes, but the way my hair was falling all over the place, annoying the heck out of me, I was almost tempted to tell her to shave the whole thing off.
I huffed out a laugh as I thought of the look on Ben’s face.
“What?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. I was just imagining the look on your father’s face if I shaved my head.”
“Well, I’m not sure you want to shave it all off, but you could get it cut.”
“Aren’t I too old for that? I mean, I don’t want to end up like my mother with rollers in her hair and blue curls.”
Shaking her head at me, she came over and pulled my hair out of the clip, letting it fall around my shoulders. “You have such beautiful hair, but you always pull it up. Maybe you should go shorter. You know, pixie cuts are all the rage right now.”
“I hardly think I could pull that off.”
“I don’t know, I think it might look cool on you. And it’s only hair, Momma. It’ll grow back if you don’t like it.”
A twinge of excitement rushed through me at the idea of doing something so drastic. “But aren’t I too…boring for something like that?”
“We’ll get you something edgy. It’ll be really cool. And we don’t have to go with a classic pixie. We can shave your head on the sides, and then you can have a slightly longer top.”
“Shaved sides?” I laughed. “My, my. You really are trying to embarrass your mother.”
“Not embarrass—give you something to make you feel better.”
I shook my head, trying to remember what my mother would say. She didn’t even like it when I got my ears pierced. “You know, there used to be a time when I would have tried anything just to defy my mother.”
“You don’t ever talk about her.”
“Because your grandmother and I didn’t get along. She didn’t like your father. She thought he wasn’t good enough for me.”
“Well, you proved her wrong.”
Sadness filled me at her words. I proved her wrong for a while, but Ben and I were falling apart. I wasn’t sure how to put us back together.
“Momma, you have to live for yourself, not for anyone else.”
“Including your father?” I chuckled.
“Especially him. No man should ever dictate your life.”
There was a fierceness to her tone that stirred something deep in my soul. Though I imagined her attitude had more to do with Willa’s father than anything, she was absolutely right. If I wanted to cut my hair, I should do it. Ben could like it, or he could lump it.
“Then I suppose we should get to town and see what Riley can do with my hair!”
She let out a squeal, then jumped and threw her arms around me, squeezing me tight. “Oh, Momma, you’re gonna love it so much. And when we’re done, we can swing by Jack’s shop and get you a piercing.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I held up my hand. “Slow down, there. Don’t you think a haircut is enough for one day?”
“Nope. We need to get you a helix to match your sassy new cut.”
I had no idea what a helix was, but one thing I knew for sure, I was ready for this.
“Let’s start with the haircut and see how we end up.”
But by the time we got to Hair She Goes, I wasn’t so sure I was ready for any of this. As my hair hung around my shoulders, and Lizzy went on and on to Katie about what style I wanted, all I could think about was Ben’s reaction when he saw all my long hair completely gone.
My stomach churned with indecision, and just about the time she started tugging my hair up, showing me how it would look at different lengths, I had already talked myself out of it.
“I think you’ll look fabulous!” Katie gushed.
“You’re in your twenties,” I pointed out. “A cut like this on you would look amazing, but me?”
“Age is just a number. The key to any pixie cut is confidence. You have to own it, and if you do, everyone will see the woman you really are.”
I almost believed her—desperately wanted to—but Ben’s angry face was all I could see when I looked in the mirror.
He always said he loved my hair. The first few years we were together, he constantly ran his fingers through the long strands.
I fell asleep that way dozens of times. Nothing was more soothing in all the world, but it had been years since he’d done something like that.
“Trust me,” she leaned in, whispering in my ear. “It’ll look fabulous.”
I was just about to tell her that no matter how fabulous it might look, I wasn’t ready for such a major change, when the door opened and Mrs. Walker strode through with Mrs. Sellers.
“And then he stood up and told the whole bar that murder would get you twenty-five years, but marriage was a life sentence!”
“He didn’t,” Mrs. Sellers gasped. “Poor Clara—”
Her eyes went wide when she saw me sitting in the chair. At first, I didn’t realize she was talking about me—or that the man who had said such horrible things was my husband.
But when her eyes dropped in horror, the truth smacked me in the face like a wet rag.
When I said those words to Ben the other night, I thought I would be taken seriously, that he would hear the pain in my voice and maybe just once try to understand where I was coming from.
But what I was hearing painted a very different picture.
“I’m so sorry, Clara,” Mrs. Walker rushed over, trying to cover her blunder. “I’m sure it was just gossip.”
I shot her a tight smile, hoping I came across as unbothered by her words when I was really dying inside. “Most of what’s said in town is gossip.”
But when I looked at Lizzy, I knew it wasn’t just gossip. I knew she wasn’t working last night, but Ryder was there, which meant he probably already filled her in on what happened, and that was the reason for her drop-in this morning.
Well, I could sit down and cry about it, or I could stand with my head held high.
“Let’s do it, Katie.”
“Are you sure?” she beamed. “Oh my gosh. You’re going to love it. I promise!”
To hell with Ben’s feelings. I was doing this for me, and I was going all in.
“I love it so much!” Lizzy said for the tenth time as we headed down the street to the tattoo parlor.
I couldn’t stop touching my hair—or lack thereof.
I had never had my head shaved before, but now that I did, I found it very freeing.
As Lizzy suggested, the sides were shaved down to an inch, and the top was longer.
I had a bag filled with supplies to style my hair every day, though I doubted I could do it the way Katie had.
“Daddy’s never going to recognize you!” she laughed.
Sadness punched my square in the chest, but I shoved it deep down, focusing on this amazing and freeing feeling. It was like I was a new woman, and nothing could wipe the smile off my face.
When I stepped into the darkness of the tattoo parlor, a sense of apprehension rushed through me, but Lizzy was right; I needed something edgy to go with my new look.
Jack looked up from his chair where he was doing a tattoo for Ellie May across her chest. She twisted her head, blushing slightly when she saw me standing in the entryway.
“Here for a tattoo?” Jack asked, his eyebrows high.
“Um…actually, I’m here for an earring. A piercing,” I corrected as nerves fluttered through me.
“She wants a helix,” Lizzy beamed. Where I once felt dangerous, like I was living on the wild side, now I felt like a fraud. Ellie was getting a freaking tattoo, and I thought I was edgy to get a piercing.
“Here’s your water—” Ryder said, walking out of the back room, stalling for only a second when he saw us in the doorway.
“You’re getting a tattoo,” I remarked, still shocked. “I’m only getting a piercing. I thought I was being edgy, but I guess that’s nothing compared to…whatever you’re getting.”
“Come see,” she smiled, something I didn’t see very often from her.
I was hesitant at first, not wanting to intrude, but as I got closer, I gasped in amazement. Bright pink burst from a flower on her left breast over her heart, and underneath scrolled Still I Rise.
“Wow,” I whispered, tears springing to my eyes as I remembered seeing her just days after her attack. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s a lotus flower,” she beamed, taking Ryder’s hand in hers.