20. Ben
BEN
For the first time that I could remember, tears welled in my eyes.
You need to fix you.
Like I was something broken that was too damaged to love. God, I sounded like a pussy, but those words cracked something in my heart. I knew I was a fucking mess. It was obvious to anyone who looked at me, but to hear my own wife tell me that…
Fuck, that was something that cut me to the core.
First, the hurt tore me to shreds. I got out of there and fled to my mobile home to lick my wounds in private.
The next day, the anger came swiftly, filling me to the point of overflowing. I nearly put a hole in the wall, but pulled back just as I let my fist fly. I didn’t need yet another person being disappointed in me.
For some reason, disappointment was always worse than anger. I had let her down in more ways than one, and instead of yelling at me, she just cried and looked at me like she didn’t know who I was.
Which wasn’t hard to believe since I’d basically checked out of life for the past five years.
But today…
Today, the anger took a back seat, and absolute devastation kicked in.
Not because she kicked me out of the house, but because I had no clue how to fix me.
If I couldn’t change, then I wouldn’t win her back.
And if I didn’t win her back, what was the fucking point of living?
She was my everything, and I was on the verge of losing her.
Something had to change. I just had to figure out what that was.
Now, it was day seven, and I was no closer to figuring out the conundrum that was my life, and even further from my wife’s arms.
It had been a week of sleeping in a mobile home that moved around from day to day by some mysterious prankster, intent on making my life a living hell.
Seven days of eating from a diner where everyone in town knew the trouble I was in with Clara.
And seven days of milkshakes being thrown in my face.
I was beginning to hate the flavor of strawberries, which was a shame considering how wonderful they tasted in nearly everything Clara made.
I wiped the milk from my face, sighing down at my shirt as yet another piece of clothing needed to be immediately laundered.
Didn’t these people realize that I had no washing machine handy?
The laundromat was getting way too much of my money, along with nearly every other business in town that was greedily eating up my cash since I was without the luxuries of my own damn home.
“Get another milkshake to the face?” Sam asked, squinting through the sun as he ran in place.
“Is it that obvious?”
He motioned for me to follow him. “Keep up. You can use my locker room.”
Keep up? Did he actually think I was going to run with him? “I’m in cowboy boots.”
“Well, you’re gonna have to find something more comfortable tomorrow.” Then he took off, jogging backward. “Come on, old man. I don’t have all day!”
Old man, my ass. I might not be as young as him, or in shape like he was, but I wasn’t old by any means.
I ran after him, looking fucking ridiculous in my jeans and plaid shirt.
I ignored the chuckles and snide remarks, focusing on the fact that I was so damn close to a shower that didn’t include my kitchen sink or a tiny stall I barely fit in.
By the time I reached the gym, I was sweating and panting hard, but that cool water was just a few feet away. Fuck, I was out of shape. I wheezed as I walked into the open space, bending over to catch my breath.
“You really are out of shape,” Sam chuckled, walking over with a bottle of water, tossing it to me.
“I’m not a professional boxer.”
I chugged the water, refusing to admit how much that winded me or how sore my body was from just a simple run.
“Showers are in the back. Be here tomorrow at five.”
“For what?” I asked, thoroughly confused.
But did he answer? Not even a little. Shaking my head, I grabbed my shower, surprised to find fresh clothes waiting for me outside the showers on the bench.
They weren’t exactly my style, but they weren’t covered in sweat either.
So, I pulled them on and was about to leave when I heard shouting in the gym.
Sam was in the ring with his training partner, and his coach was yelling out tips. I stood off to the side, watching in awe as Sam danced around the ring, avoiding hit after hit. I’d been to one of his matches, but honestly, I’d been in too much of a slump to care about what I was watching.
Frankly, I’d been in a slump for five years. I hadn’t wanted to admit it, but Clara was right. I hadn’t been myself in a long time. As much as her words hurt, I knew they were true.
I needed to fix myself.
I didn’t know how I was supposed to do that when I didn’t have a single clue who I was anymore. For my entire life, I’d had one purpose: Take care of the ranch.
That’s what was expected of me, but the ranch was gone. Well, the cattle were gone. There was nothing more I could do to save what used to be. But I could take a look at the damn books and talk to Liam about what was currently happening on my own property.
So, I drove out to the ranch, careful to avoid Clara at all costs. The last thing I wanted was another encounter. I’d never once truly avoided my wife, but now, I was doing everything in my power to steer clear.
Liam was outside with Duke when I pulled up, and the moment that kid saw me, he came running.
Well, he toddled with his arms stretched out.
The kid was just about to turn one, but he’d been walking around furniture since he was six months old.
Thankfully, he waited until he was nine months to walk on his own.
Anything sooner would have given Bailey a heart attack.
“Hey there, little man,” I grinned, scooping him up in my arms just as he was about to trip in the grass. “What are you up to today?”
The kid babbled on about something, but I had no clue what he was saying as spit dribbled down his chin.
But one word I did recognize. Papa. As Duke pressed his hands to either side of my face and stared at me with wide eyes, I was brought back to the first time Liam stared at me with that same expression. This kid was just like his old man.
“Mornin’, Pop.”
“Everything good this morning?” I asked, walking over to him.
“Just giving Bailey some time to shower. That kid is running her ragged.”
“You were the same way.”
A funny look shot across his face. “I was not.”
“Do you know how many times I took you out on the horse with me because you wouldn’t stop terrorizing your mother?”
“Papa!” Duke shouted, snagging my attention.
“You never told me that.”
Come to think of it, I didn’t do much of the storytelling in the house. I always left that up to Clara.
“The first time I took you on a ride, it was because your mother had been up all night with you. She was dead on her feet because you wouldn’t go to sleep. So, I took you out to see the horses, but you wanted a ride.”
I chuckled at the memory, how eager he was to get on the damn horse.
“John was over. He held you while I climbed up in the saddle, and then he held the reins as we trotted around the yard. I was so terrified you were gonna squirm right out of my arms and get trampled by the horse.”
Odd, since I had put my granddaughter on a horse not that long ago. I could have used that memory then. The terror might have prevented me from doing such a stupid thing.
“John was there?”
Liam wouldn’t remember any of the times John was over here back then. Before the boys could be put to work, we actually spent a lot of time together, bringing our kids out to the barn to get them out of the house.
“Anyway, I thought I’d come out and see how the rentals are doing.”
Surprise shot across his face at my words. It wasn’t often I got involved, but it was high time I stopped leaving everything to him. I wasn’t even sixty yet. I was way too damn young for retirement.
“Uh…what did you want to know?”
“Everything.”
“That could take a while.”
Shrugging, I prepared myself for one long-ass day. “I’ve got nowhere to be.”
And so I spent the better part of the morning listening to Liam as he laid out what he had been doing with the rentals, about advertising and the rising cost of bringing in customers.
He’d told me about some of Bailey’s ideas to attract a crowd in the summer, and what issues we faced with our winter lodgings.
“If we had more cabins, we could really pack people in over the winter. We have so much land, but we don’t want to crowd people in. They want the experience of being in Big Sky country. Not crammed together at a lodge.”
“So, we need more land.”
“We need a compromise,” he sighed. “We’ve got the interest in the lodgings, and we’ve been keeping up with bookings, but unless we start charging more, we’re never gonna get to where we need to be.”
I grunted in acknowledgment. “What’s wrong with charging more?”
“Raise the rates, and it’s gonna be awfully hard to keep drawing in a crowd. Most of the people who come out here are families. They want the peace and quiet on vacation. They want the experience.”
“Don’t you get irritated by having vacationers so close to your house?” I muttered. I didn’t understand how he could be smack dab in the middle of it all.
“They don’t actually come up to me and cause trouble,” he smirked. “Most of them stick to themselves. Every once in a while, someone will ask me the best time to go to the falls, but that’s about it.”
Nodding, I looked out at the landscape, across the river to where Lily resided. “And they leave her alone?” I asked, jerking my head in the direction of the cabin.
“Pop, no one’s coming out here to cause trouble. We haven’t had any problems yet.”
I wanted to find an issue so I had something to complain about, but it seemed Liam had it all under control. There wasn’t a damn thing I could say or do to convince him that this was the wrong move.
“You’re looking for trouble, Pop. You want this to fail.”
“Excuse me?” I snapped, glaring at my son.
“You want this to fail so you don’t feel like it was just you who let down the ranch.”
My blood boiled at his words for a moment before I realized he was right. I was looking for a damn weak point so I could say I told you so. Fuck, what kind of father wanted his son to fail?
“God, I’m a bastard.”
“Sometimes,” he chuckled. “This will work, Pop. We’ll find our stride, and you’ll see, we’ll turn this around.”
I clasped him on the shoulder, feeling like such an ass. “I know it will. You did good.”
“You know, there’s always room for you. I never wanted to take over.”
“But you did, and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better. You’ll do this ranch proud.”
I headed back to the truck, feeling a little less dejected than when I arrived.
I hadn’t been up and functioning at this hour in a long time. I wasn’t even sure why I listened to Sam and came. It wasn’t like I owed him anything. Call it curiosity. What exactly did he want me here at five o’clock in the morning for?
So, when I arrived in my usual attire and he smirked at me, I knew I should have stayed in bed.
“Figured you’d show up like that.” He tossed a gym bag at me that I just barely caught before it smacked me in the face. “Go change.”
“Say what?”
“Well, you can’t run in that.”
I looked down at my clothes, then back at him. “Run?”
“Come on,” he grinned, going through a line of stretches. “We’re burning daylight.”
I laughed, tossing the bag back at him. “I don’t think so.”
“No? So you like being a flabby old man?”
My eyes narrowed at the insult. Flabby, I was not. Mostly. I might not be the muscular kid I once was, but I was nearing sixty. I was allowed to be a little soft around the edges.
Just thinking the words was enough to change my mind.
I strode back into the locker room and changed into the running clothes he’d packed for me, along with a pair of tennis shoes.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d put on something even closely resembling this.
Probably when I was in high school in gym class.
By the time I walked out, I was seriously questioning my sanity. I had to be going crazy to even consider what was about to happen. But I was no quitter.
Well, there was a time I hadn’t been a quitter.
It seemed like all I did now was walk away from things. I hadn’t been working on the house. I hadn’t seen my wife in over a week. Hell, I hadn’t paid attention to the ranch for so long.
“So, what are we doing?”
“Going for a run. Don’t worry. I’ll start out slow,” he grinned.
“Fucking great,” I muttered, following him out the door.
So, I jogged, but he kept kicking up the pace until I was panting hard, feeling sick to my stomach. Running was not something I ever wanted to do again, but every time Sam looked over his shoulder and laughed at me, I pushed harder, refusing to give up. I would not fail at this.
I didn’t know how long we ran for, but when the sun had been up for a while now, that meant it had been at least forty minutes. My lungs burned and my legs were cramping, but I refused to give in. Not even when it felt like I was about to have a heart attack.
Luckily, he stopped before I passed out. When he handed me water this time, I didn’t even attempt to drink it. I was breathing too hard, and the spots dancing in front of my eyes made it pretty damn clear that I needed to slow my heart down before I attempted anything else.
“Stretch it out,” he said, walking through a series of exercises.
“Fuck you.”
“You’re gonna cramp,” he taunted.
I was already cramping, so I did as he said and followed his movements. I didn’t feel any better in the end, but at least I wasn’t on the verge of passing out.
Finally, I drank my water, taking a seat before my jello-like legs gave out. I wasn’t sure what the point of all this was, but when he stood and grinned at me, I knew the torture was long from over.
“Same time tomorrow.”
“Fuck you,” I shot back.
“Get yourself some clothes. You can keep what you have.”
I looked down at the shit I was wearing and frowned. “You want me to spend money on this shit?”
Shaking his head, he walked away. “See you at five!”
“Not if I see you first!”