21. Clara
CLARA
Breathe in. Breathe out.
I focused on that instead of the gnawing in my gut. Three weeks had passed since I last saw Ben.
Three weeks of pure torture.
Why had I said those horrible things to him? Yes, I wanted him to fix whatever was going on inside his head, but it was the hangover being so nasty. And now, I didn’t have a clue how to fix it.
“You’re not concentrating,” Georgia hissed beside me.
I ignored her and did my best to follow along, but that didn’t stop the running commentary flowing from her lips.
“Have you heard from Ben?”
I shook my head.
“Has he been back to work on the house?”
Again, I shook my head.
“Any chance he’ll leave you the ranch in the divorce?”
“Georgia!” I snapped, drawing the attention of everyone around me. Smiling, I went into a downward dog and pretended everything was fine.
By the time class was out, pretty much everyone was gossiping about my love life.
They just did a good job at pretending they were talking about something else.
Gathering my things, I was about to storm out of the studio when Ben came out of the locker room with Sam, his shirt off and dripping sweat.
Ben, not Sam.
And man, did it make me wish we weren’t fighting. I missed my husband so much, but one thing I hadn’t expected was that while I was moping over him being gone, he was out there getting in shape.
“When did he start working out?” Georgia asked, blatantly staring at my husband. “It’s only been a few weeks. He must have his eye on someone.”
My gaze snapped to hers. “What do you mean?”
“Well, honey, I hate to tell you this, but if he’s working out and sweating that hard, he’s already found someone new. She’s most likely younger and got the body of a twenty-five-year-old. Cheap skank.”
“Wait, you think Ben is doing this for another woman?”
The pitying look on her face nearly brought tears to my eyes. “Honey, I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but what did you think was going to happen? You kicked him out.”
“To work on our relationship!”
“And you haven’t spoken to him since. It’s like my husband always said, a man has needs. And if he’s not getting it at home, he’ll get it somewhere else.”
My eyes slowly slid over my husband as he laughed with Sam, stretching and moving in ways I hadn’t seen in years. Then he put on gloves, and was just about to get in the ring when I quickly hid behind a post, hoping he hadn’t seen me.
“He wouldn’t do that,” I whispered, more to myself than Georgia. “We’re working things out.”
“No, you’re spending all your time focusing on you and telling your husband what a louse he is. That does not a great marriage make.”
“Stop talking like you’re Shakespeare,” I growled, irritated with her.
“Hey, you might not want to admit it, but you as good as told him you were over. What did you expect him to do?”
I had hoped he would go out and fix the issues he was having. I never expected he would start working out for the sake of attracting younger women.
I peeked out from behind the post just as he did some flex thing with his arms as River walked past. I gasped as she threw out some line about how good he was looking. He smirked at her, showed off his muscles some more, before warming up with Sam.
“Oh. My. God!” I gasped. “River? Little River Ainsley? Our yoga instructor? That’s the bimbo he’s showing off for?”
“Shh!” Georgia dragged me out the door and onto the street, pushing me around the corner. “Do you want everyone in town to know that a woman twenty years younger than you is going to take your man?”
“Well, it would seem neither of them is hiding!” Pressing my hands to my face, I let the tears fall. I was such a fool. “God, I’m so stupid. Men don’t change, especially not for a woman! Why did I kick him out?”
Sighing, she did her best to comfort me, pulling me in for a hug. “Honey, it would have happened one way or another. Neither of you was happy. It was bound to end this way.”
But that didn’t sound right. We might not have been the happiest couple, but before I went on this crusade of changing myself, we were making it work.
I still had a husband in bed with me every night.
There was always someone to make breakfast for, and at the end of the night, I listened to him rant about the day.
No, it wasn’t perfect, but it was working.
And then I went and destroyed everything.
“God, what have I done?”
Georgia pulled me into her arms, shushing me as I cried big crocodile tears on her shoulder. “Honey, the whole street is watching,” she chuckled. “You’ve got to pull yourself together.”
The problem was, I didn’t know how. I’d been married over thirty years, and now it was all falling apart. I never expected anything like this. When I set out to make myself happy, I never considered it would drive my husband away.
“Come on, let’s go before we give the town anything more to chew on.”
“Oh, fuck the town,” I snarled.
“Clara!” Georgia gasped, pressing her hand to her chest, taking a step back. “Language!”
And in that moment, there was nothing to do but laugh. Hilariously, uproariously laugh at the ridiculousness of her words. That was me. I was the woman who chastised others for how they spoke, and now I was hearing how I sounded for the first time.
“Clara Parker, what is so funny?”
Pressing a hand to my chest, I wheezed between laughs, trying to pull myself together. “Language!” I shouted, which only made me laugh even harder.
Tears streamed down my face as a stitch built in my side, making it painful to carry on. But I didn’t stop the laughter, even though I must have looked like an idiot. I just didn’t care anymore.
This was my life, and if the town chose to gossip about me, they could carry on all they wanted.
“I can’t believe this,” Georgia hissed, looping her arm through mine. “You look ridiculous.”
I swiped at the tears falling down my cheeks as she dragged me to my vehicle. “Don’t we always?”
“Certainly not!”
“Georgia!” I tugged at her arm, pulling her to a stop.
“Don’t you see? It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks.
This is about me. I’m living my life for the first time, watching as my husband puts on a show for some bimbo that my daughters hang out with!
And if I want to laugh at the mess I’ve made of my life or how stupid I sound when I yell at others for daring to curse, then that’s what I’ll do! ”
I spun around, facing the street. “Do you hear me? Laugh at me all you want! Mock me for being the idiot who didn’t see it all coming! I don’t care anymore!”
“Clara!”
“This is my life, and I will not stop being who I am just because the town might gossip about me!”
On the corner, Bud roused from his mid-morning nap in the chair outside his shop, glaring over at me. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”
“And you’d be getting even more sleep if you weren’t shagging Bea every night,” I laughed.
Spluttering, Bud got to his feet and scowled at me. “Clara Parker, you’re a menace.”
“Just saying it like it is, Bud. And guess what? You don’t have to hide it. You know, the town is happy for you. They don’t care!”
“O—kay,” Georgia chuckled. “Now that you’ve truly gone and made a spectacle of yourself, how about we get you home?”
Go home.
Yeah, right. I was too riled up, too angry to just go home.
For what? To stew in my anger? To wonder what Ben was doing right now?
The last thing I needed was to be alone. It would drive me insane. I wouldn’t get a thing accomplished. I’d paint an angry portrait that looked like something out of hell, or I’d open my murder mystery and make my husband a victim.
No, going home was definitely not an option right now. What I needed was to calm myself down. To go for a drive and let the Montana breeze drift over my face and cool the inferno building inside me.
I marched to my car and got inside, ignoring how Georgia was shouting at me, pleading with me to get out of the car.
When I didn’t listen, she climbed in the passenger side and faced me like the sane woman she was.
“Now, Clara, I need you to listen to me. This is not a time for anger. This is a time for reflection and prayer.”
“Ha! Where has prayer ever gotten me?”
The gasp that left her lips nearly made me laugh. “Oh, please, Georgia. You know it as well as I do that God has nothing to do with how life turns out.”
“Take that back right now, Clara Parker!”
“Why would God do this to me? Huh? Why would he let Austin poison me, take away my husband, or let yours die!”
Tears brimmed in her eyes at my words. Maybe I was taking things too far, but I was so angry, so frustrated with life. I just needed a change.
I turned down her road, determined to drop her off. “I’m sorry. That was a horrible thing to say. I’m just losing it over here.”
“I know, and trust me, I’ve said it to myself a million times, but I have to believe there’s a bigger plan for me.”
A bigger plan. What exactly would that be? Why would God give me all these wonderful things, only to take them from me?
“Clara, that was my house—”
“I mean, seriously, why would God do this?” I snapped.
“You just—” She twisted in her seat, pointing backward down the street. “I guess we can just make a loop and come back around.”
“After all I have done for this family, is this punishment?” I asked, taking a turn, going in the opposite direction of her street. “Was I not a good enough mother?”
“You were a great mother, but you’re a terrible driver. My house is back—”
“I gave them everything. I said grace at the table every night!”
“Yes, but you still haven’t brought me home.”
“I was a loyal wife. I did everything the Bible said! I was freaking Mary Magdalene!”
“Well, aside from the healing demons thing.”
“Am I really supposed to give more? Why is it that I’m doing everything right, and my husband gets to walk around, showing off his biceps to other women?”
“Well—”
“And not even real women! She hasn’t had a baby! She doesn’t know the pain coming from birth. And I’m not talking about that fake birth where they shoot you up with an epidural. I’m talking about a real birth where you shove that kid out without any medication. I did that!”
“Five times,” she agreed. “But you still haven’t gotten me home.”
“That woman doesn’t even know the meaning of pain!” I shouted, slamming my fist on the steering wheel as I turned back down Main Street. “If I have to hear one more time about feeling the burn while she tortures me with yoga, I’ll have her head on a spit!”
“Just remember that we’re in Montana, and while the rules may be a little lax here, you can still go to prison!”
My foot pressed down harder on the gas. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Not until Georgia called out for me to slow down. I saw red. I saw River flaunting her body in front of my husband, tempting her like the Jezebel she was.
“I can’t let this go on,” I murmured.
“Clara, take your foot off the gas.”
“She’s ruining my life!”
“Think this through!”
“I will not play second fiddle to that whore!” I shouted, hitting the gas. I turned the wheel at the last second, and the car jumped the curb, smashing through the glass of the gym, coming to a screeching halt as the front end of the car hit one of the supports.
Georgia was still screaming as the car jerked and hissed. Steam shot up from the engine, and I barely saw River peek her head up from where she had ducked as she was putting yoga mats away.
My hands shook against the steering wheel as reality washed over me. I had just rammed my car through a window, all in the name of jealousy. And I had another person in the car with me.
“Georgia,” I whispered.
“Uh-huh?”
Her voice was nothing more than a shaky whisper as her hand clutched the handle above the door.
“So…I just did that.”
“Uh-huh.”
“That probably shouldn’t have happened.”
“Uh-uh,” she shook her head slowly, still breathing heavily.
“That was bad, right?”
“Very bad,” she whispered.
“I just tried to kill another person.”
“Well, in all fairness, you didn’t actually aim for her.”
“Right,” I nodded, still staring at the wreckage, trying to piece together what I had done. “Still…I doubt this little incident will get me into heaven.”
“Repent,” she murmured. “Repent hard.” Her head slowly swiveled to meet my gaze. “And maybe not mention your true intentions to the police.”
“Right.”
A banging on the window startled me, and I let out a loud scream that was completely unnecessary. Ben stood at the window, his eyes flashing over me in worry.
I’d just tried to kill his mistress.
I was such a bad person. Terrible person. God, I was going to hell.
“Clara! Open the fucking door!”
My fingers wrapped around the handle, but when I pulled, nothing happened. The door was smashed somehow.
Thank God for the stay of execution.
“The only way out is forward,” Georgia whispered. “I hope your acting skills are up to par.”