Chapter 23 #2
I had hoped to never let them know that NuVoices was a ticking time bomb, but I’d let it slip. “When Barbara hired me, she told me that the company was in trouble and that I would have about six months to significantly increase Sugar’s revenue or NuVoices would go under.”
Denyse did a double take. “And you still took the job? What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that I would finally get to realize my fucking dream, Dee,” I hurled back, tears of frustration gathering in my eyes.
“Do you have any idea how brutal this has been? And I can’t even talk to my team about what’s going on.
They think I’m responsible for the success of Sugar, but they have no idea the goddamned future of the company is at stake. ”
“Nik, I’m sorry about that. I know what it’s like to run a business in tough times. I get that you’ve been stressed,” Sofie acknowledged. “But it doesn’t just excuse everything.”
“Listen, bonita,” Teresa said in a softer tone, “none of us have ever seen you like this, and we are legitimately worried about you.”
“I know Jerome Jermaine’s reputation from being around rappers,” Sofie added. “I also know how easy it can be to get caught up in the industry and all the stupid shit that goes on.”
“Everyone thinks JJ is such a bad guy, but he’s been cool with me.” It was easier to defend him than myself.
“You really think he’s only ‘cool’ with you?” Sofie used air quotes around the word cool.
“Also, what does that even mean?” Teresa asked me.
She put down her fork and crossed her arms. “You’re right—of all people, I know how awful Alonzo was, and is.
So why are you going down that path again with JJ?
I’ll admit that he came on real strong at first, but he showed his ass real quick.
Do you seriously not see the similarities? ”
Her words shifted everything around me out of focus.
Denyse was talking, the busboy was refilling water glasses, Sofie was motioning for more mimosas; but I was suddenly unable to concentrate.
The only thing that cut through the haze was “Upside Down,” the song the DJ had just put on.
My thoughts about JJ and Alonzo mixed with Diana Ross singing “… boy, you turn me inside out, and round and round…”
Maybe their respective fondness for being called Daddy should have clued me in, but I hadn’t seen all the parallels between JJ and Alonzo until that moment.
They were both “ballers” with enough clout that most people in urban music and publishing knew their names.
And they were both known for being ruthless and charismatic and successful, the kind of men who got everything they wanted.
That’s why Alonzo couldn’t deal with me leaving and why he wouldn’t let go of his false impression that I’d betrayed him.
JJ had spent more time taking actual care of me, but he’d been no less clear that even though our “thing” wasn’t exclusive, my body was his.
I felt Teresa’s hand on my shoulder, shaking me back to the present. I hadn’t noticed her get up and walk around to my side of the table, so it was a small surprise to look up and see her anxious face so close to mine as she asked, “You okay, chica?”
“No, I’m really not okay, Tee,” I replied. I had wanted to see my girls and pad my stomach with some greasy carbs, and now I was sitting there, questioning all my life choices.
“Look, Alonzo was an intense, yearlong emotional roller coaster for you. Even though you and I both know that shit was crazy, I was there for all the highs and lows. And I’m still here while you deal with the consequences of pissing off that woman-hating narcissist,” Teresa said, her hand still resting on my shoulder.
“I love you, but I do not want to do it again, especially when we can all see it coming a mile away.”
I shook Teresa’s hand off and muttered, “I didn’t come here to be attacked.
” Then I stood up, scraping my chair against the tile floor, threw some cash on the table, and hung the crossbody over my shoulder.
“You guys have no idea how completely absurd it is to be me right now. If I’m too aggressive, I’m an asshole.
If I’m too submissive, I’m a doormat. If I’m at the office too much, I’m a workaholic.
If I’m at the club, I’m a party girl. If I grow the business, I’m a sellout.
If I protect my readers and ignore the business, Sugar might go away.
” I put on my sunglasses to hide my damp eyes.
“Am I a slut or a boss or a bookworm or somebody’s bitch?
Honestly, I have no fucking idea. And I don’t know what you all want from me.
” My voice got more and more strident as I realized how much I wanted to get away from this bootleg intervention.
“And, for the record, Kiara was the first person to warn me about JJ. So maybe she’s not the problem here. ”
Without giving my girls a chance to reply, I spun on my heels and was outside in seconds.
The midday sun bore down on my shoulders, but getting into a hot subway or smelly taxi was too oppressive to face.
So, I walked through SoHo to Broadway, turned south, and didn’t break stride until I got to Tribeca.
There was a street festival clogging my neighborhood with rows of food vendors and a DJ scratching his way through an unexpectedly cool mix of Biggie and Busta.
Normally, I would have bought a falafel from one of the vendors and hung out for a while.
Instead, I threaded my way through the head-bopping crowd, stopped at a bodega to get Tylenol and Gatorade, then traipsed the remaining two blocks home.
I immediately climbed back into bed and pulled the covers over my head, feeling much worse than before.