25. THE ONLY WAY OUT.
THE ONLY WAY OUT.
A strange feeling in my stomach pulled me out of sleep—a feeling deeper than I could understand at the time, something dark and unsettled, gnawing at me.
I crept out of bed, the house steeped in heavy silence, and found my mother sitting in the hall, head bowed, her face hidden in her hands.
The phone lay beside her, and even in the dim light, I could see the smears of red across her trembling fingers.
“Mama,” I whispered, not wanting to wake my father.
She didn’t startle at the sound of my voice. Instead, she slowly lifted her head and looked at me as if expecting me. Her makeup streaked down her cheeks, but her tears had dried, leaving a haunted softness in her eyes. She tried to smile, but it barely reached her lips.
“Hi, baby,” she croaked, her voice thick.
My eyes drifted over her hands, stained with blood. “Mama?” I asked, fear and confusion coating my voice.
“Shh,” she soothed. “Mama just made a mess is all.” She ran a hand through her hair, the wet blood coating it. “Can you grab me a cigarette, baby?”
I nodded stiffly and numbly moved toward the kitchen where I knew her purse would be on the counter. I fumbled for the pack and a lighter, my hands shaking. When I returned, I found her still sitting there, a strange stillness settling over her.
The door to my parents’ room was cracked. I glanced inside, only intending to check, but then. . .I froze.
The bed was soaked in dark red, the color spreading in thick, sickening pools, and my father. . .
My father. . .
My. . .
He was lying there, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, mouth parted. His skin glistened with blood. He was bathed in it, surrounded by it.
And beside him, a knife lay abandoned.
My heart thundered in my ears as understanding began to creep in, each beat of terror clearer and clearer. My father wasn’t moving. He was gone.
I knew—I knew my mother had done something terrible.
“Mama made a mess,” she repeated softly to me.
“But she will clean it up.” She came closer and gently took the pack of cigarettes and lighter from my hands.
She guided me back a few steps and shut the door, hiding my father’s body from view.
She pulled my chin toward her, redirecting my attention.
“You’re such a good boy, my little prince. ”
“What’s going on?” I asked, feeling my eyes burn. It felt like something was lodged in my throat and trying to strangle me. “I’m scared.”
She wiped my tears as they fell. “There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore,” she murmured, but I knew she was lying.
There was plenty left to fear—like what came next.
She took out a cigarette, lit it with shaky hands, and took a deep drag before blowing out a cloud of smoke.
“Your daddy’s not going to hurt us anymore.
” She smoothed back my hair and pressed her lips to the top of my head.
“You be brave, my sweet, sweet boy. Mama’s going to go away for a little while, okay? ”
“No.” The word broke from me in a choked sob, and I clung to her, holding on like she might dissolve into smoke if I let go. “I don’t want you to go away.” The weight of what was happening pressed in on me.
My father was gone.
My mother was going away.
And I was going to be alone.
She held me tightly, but her voice was distant, resolved. “They’re going to take me and you’re going to run. You run as fast as you can to Mr. Ledgers, you hear me?”
“No!” I screamed, clutching her tighter, unwilling to accept what she was saying. She couldn’t leave me.
“Shh,” she tried to soothe me again, but she was shaking now. “I don’t want to leave you, but I have to.”
“Mama stay,” I begged, terror searing through me. “ Please .”
She crouched down to get eye level with me as she gripped my shoulders. She was crying again. “No matter what happens, you run to Mr. Ledgers. He’ll make sure they take care of you until I can come back to you.”
“Why do you have to leave?” My nails dug into her arm, delaying the inevitable.
“I did a bad thing to a bad man, and I have to pay for it now.” She sniffled and I’ll never forget the look on her face at that moment.
My mother looked like the saddest woman in the world.
My father had broken something inside of her.
“It was the only way out with a man like your father,” she told me. “You understand that don’t you?”
I nodded because even though a part of me was horrified, I did understand .
The distant wail of sirens grew louder, she looked down the hall with a sad, resigned smile. She turned back to me, her hand cupping my cheek. “We’ll see each other again. I swear it.”
I didn’t believe her. If that were true, she wouldn’t need to say it. “When?”
“Every time you close your eyes,” she whispered like it was a secret. Blue and red lights flashed through the window, reflecting in the pool of tears filling my mother’s eyes. They were coming down the lane and I knew we were out of time. “Run, Julian.”
I shook my head, refusing.
It made a sob crack through her. “I don’t want you to see this part,” she croaked, grimacing as she grabbed her side.
My eyes followed the movement, and I realized that all the blood on her was not only my father’s, but hers.
Blood stained her shirt, a dark patch blooming from her ribs, seeping through her fingers.
“Mama, you’re bleeding,” I cried.
“Whenever you miss me, think of the field of dandelions,” she told me, her voice filled with an urgency that was almost pleading.
“Stay with me!” I yelled as she inched closer to the front door. “Please just stay!” I stood frozen, not wanting to take my eyes off her.
Outside, gravel crunched under tires as my mother reached for the doorknob.
She looked back one last time, panic flashing across her face. “I love you, now go!”
Her voice echoed in my mind as she turned away, and I watched her turn the doorknob, my heart breaking into pieces.
I love you.
I love you .
I love you.
I never got to say it back.
I never got to say goodbye.
I only ran as fast and as hard as I could.