Chapter 19 Sloane
SLOANE
Every year for as long as I can remember, on the Fourth of July, we’ve had a BBQ with both families.
I haven’t attended the last couple of years, and I’m starting to remember why.
It’s a small gathering; just Briar, Chanel, my two siblings, Beckett, me, Mocha, and Lottie’s current significant other.
Mason, Beckett’s son, would usually be here as well, but he’s still stationed in Afghanistan.
Lottie and her boyfriend sit with Chanel on the patio next to the pool, chatting it up like there’s no place they’d rather be. Briar hasn’t spoken three words to me since they showed up at the house. Kaden, Briar, and Beckett all sit around the grill while the food cooks.
Kaden mostly just stands there talking to Beckett, ignoring Briar, which gives me the slightest satisfaction that I can’t really explain.
What does hurt is that no one asks how I’ve been. If I’d prefer a hot dog or a burger. How I’ve adjusted to living with Beckett, or anything at all that would suggest that they even know that I’m here. They just ignore me like I don’t exist.
It hurts.
When dinner’s done, I grab a little bit of food and sit by myself at the end of the table so I can eat. I keep to myself, trying not to cry in front of everyone. You’d think I’d be used to it, but apparently not.
“So, Sloane, how’s your social media stuff going?” Chanel asks. I smile, glad that someone cares enough to ask.
“It’s good, I’ve gott—” Lottie cuts me off before I can even finish my sentence.
“Braxton does all of the social media for his family’s company. The account has like two thousand followers because of him,” she brags, and the guy gives a nod. Just like that, all the attention shifts towards Braxton and what kind of company his family has.
One question, and half a reply. That’s all I get.
My head dips, and my shoulders slump, my heart broken all over again. I hate this, I hate feeling this way.
Why does this still hurt? This is how it’s been my entire life.
After that, I mostly just push my food around my plate. When I’m done, I set my plate on the ground and let Mocha clean up the crumbs.
He’s the only one who’s given me any kind of attention. He’s sat by my side the whole time. He even chose to stay with me when Lottie tried to bribe him with food.
It’s sad that he’s given me more love in the time I’ve had him than I’ve received from most of these people my entire life.
After dinner, I help clean up.
Mocha and I go inside to get a blanket. I could stay in here for the rest of the night, and no one would even notice I was gone.
I consider it.
It would be nice to just hide in here, curl up on Mocha, and cry. But I’m better than that.
“Come on, little buddy,” I mumble, picking him up and a blanket. On my way back outside, I steal a beer from the fridge.
It’s dark out, and all the patio lights that I’d decorated with are dimmed.
Everyone chats away, not even acknowledging me as I make my way down to the lawn, walking down the steps to the bottom section of the yard.
I go to the farthest corner away from anyone else. I know that I could try and make myself a part of the conversation, but what was the point if they didn’t even want me here, anyway?
“Go potty,” I say to Mocha. I set him down and set up the blanket. It’s dark, and the fireworks should be starting soon.
I twist the cap off my drink and take a long swig. I cringe slightly at the taste, but shrug.
I pull my hoodie tighter around myself as I sit down on the blanket.
Mocha runs over and sits down next to me, snuggling himself as close as he possibly can to me.
I kiss the top of his head and run my hand through his fur as I wait. Pulling out my phone and scrolling through everyone else’s posts for the day. I check my Flykr post and stories.
25k likes — 167 comments
188k views — 3245 Reactions
I’d made Beckett take a picture of Mocha and me before everyone got here. Not that he put up much of a fight.
I kinda wish that it was just us. That my family wasn’t here, and it was just the three of us.
“Hey, you doing alright?” Kaden asks, sitting down next to me on the blanket with a beer in his hand as well. I just shrug, because opening my mouth would lead to no good.
“Just hanging out…by myself, like always,” I whisper, picking at the grass. I hear him let out a sad sigh.
“Has it always been like this?” I nod. “I guess I never realized it. I just always assumed you liked being alone,” he whispers, and I wipe away the first tear as it rolls down my cheek.
“I was forced to be alone, and I grew to tolerate it. But that doesn’t mean I ever liked it. No one likes being alone, not all the time, anyway.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. “If I had known…”
“You did more for me in that house than anyone else ever did. I probably wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you,” I whisper truthfully.
“Don’t say things like that. You didn’t ever think about doing like… you know…” he trails off.
“Killing myself? No, of course not,” I lie, wiping away some more tears with my sleeve. He doesn’t say anything for a long time after that, and neither do I.
“Does he make you happy?”
“Does who make me happy?” I ask.
“Beckett.”
“Uhhh, what are you talking about?” I whisper.
“Last night, when he got home from work, I saw you guys kissing. And the other day, when I talked to Dad, he said that Beckett was possibly seeing someone. It doesn’t take an idiot to piece the information together, since he doesn’t really hit me as the type of guy to be a two-timer, so…
does he make you happy?” he asks, awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck as I stare at him, horrified.
“Oh my God, you can’t tell anyone. Kaden, please, especially not Briar. Oh my God,” I whisper, trying not to have a heart attack.
“Answer the question, Sloane.”
I stare at him for a long time, and he looks a lot more calm then I feel like he should be.
I let out a sigh. There is no use denying it if he literally saw us kissing. “Yeah, he does.”
“Then your secret’s safe with me.”
“You’re not mad or weirded out?”
“No, it’s very weird. I honestly don’t know how to feel about it, but if he makes you happy, then there’s not much more that I can ask for. If he hurts you, though, I’ll kill him. No one hurts my baby sister. Never again,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head.
“You mean it?”
“Yeah, plus I saw the way he was looking at you when you were playing with Mocha. I don’t think that I have anything to worry about.”
“What do you mean?” I whisper.
He just laughs and shakes his head. “You found a good one, kid,” He teases, and I push his shoulder away playfully.
“I’m only two years younger than you,” I remind him, picking up my bottle and taking a sip of it.
“I’ve always been the wise one.”
“No one in the entirety of our lives has ever said that,” I tease with a laugh, which makes him grasp his heart in mock pain before laughing with me.
“I fly back to Georgia tonight. You can crash at my place for the rest of the summer until school starts if you want,” he offers, and I look over at him.
“What? You’re leaving?” I ask.
“Yeah, I really only came for the party. I have no need to stay another day, and I’m afraid that I may freak the fuck out on Dad if I stay any longer,” he says, pulling out his phone and going to the Delta app.
I gently push his hand down. “No, I’m ok. I think I wanna stay just to see what happens,” I say, looking over at Beckett, who is already looking in our direction.
“Ok, but in a few months, you better bet that I’m going to be seeing you all the fucking time. There’s no way that I’m letting my best friend slip away from me again.”
“I am not your best friend.”
“Outside of Mason, yeah, you are,” he says, turning serious for a moment.
“Oh, shut the fuck up. You’re so dumb.”
“I’m being so fucking for real right now. Why do you think I call you so much?”
“Honestly, I have no idea,” I admit.
“Because you’re my favorite sister, duh,” he says, bumping me with his shoulder.
“Wow, thanks. My competition is really stiff,” I say, rolling my eyes, making him laugh again.
“Hey, for real though…I love you. Don’t be a stranger, phones work both ways. And if you ever need anything, I’m here for you, ok?” he says. He has no idea how much that means to me.
He stands up, and I stand too, as he pulls me into a hug. I hold him tight.
“Love you, big bro.”
“Love you, lil sis,” he says, pulling away. He gives me a small wave before leaving me alone again on the grass.
I lay back down on the blanket and let out a deep breath.
“You always watch the fireworks by yourself?” Beckett’s voice comes from behind me, several minutes later.
I jump slightly. I didn’t even hear him approach.
I shrug, tipping back the rest of my bottle before setting it down on the grass.
He doesn’t say anything as he sits next to me. I’m overcome with emotion, and I want to cry, my chest feeling tight.
“No one even noticed me,” I whisper. My conversation with Kaden had been nice, but it doesn’t change the fact that I felt like an outcast in my own family all day.
He wraps his arm around me and pulls me into his side.
“I noticed you,” he whispers, kissing the side of my head.
“I wish that it had just been us today. That they could’ve just gone and done something else, or maybe I should’ve. It’s not like anyone would have cared.”
“Don’t say that, I care. I’m glad you’re here. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more attention today. Tomorrow it’s just me, you, and Mocha. We can do whatever you want,” he says, gently grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him.
I let out a sigh. “It’s fine, I know why you didn’t. You can’t let them know about us, this, whatever the fuck is going on. It’s whatever,” I whisper, but my bottom lip trembles.
“No, it’s not fine, I still could have included you without it looking suspicious.”
I shrug, my eyes getting watery as the first fireworks start to go off above us.
Mocha runs over to me, jumps into my lap, and cuddles up to me. He doesn’t seem scared, which is good. I figured he would be a little jumpy, but he is acting normal.
“Hey, listen to me, Sloane. You matter to me. So get out of your head,” he whispers, making me look at him again.
“I was asked one question all night, and Lottie made it about her,” I whisper, a tear rolling down my cheek.
“I know, baby,” He responds, cupping my face with one hand and wiping the tear away. “Please don’t cry, you’re so much stronger than that. Don’t let them win,” he pleads, tucking some of my hair behind my ear.
“I hate it, I hate them. Not Kaden, but the rest of them, I hate them. This isn’t fair,” I whisper, the tears falling faster and harder down my cheeks.
“Shhhh, it’s ok,” he whispers, pulling me into his lap. I melt, clinging to him like my life depends on it. Because right now in this moment, I think that it might.
“I want to kiss you,” I whisper, my eyes drifting to his lips.
“Then kiss me.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
That’s all the permission I need, my lips finding his not rushed or hurried. Just slowly, trying to show all my emotions and gratitude using only my mouth.
I move into his lap so I can kiss him better, straddling him as the kiss gets deeper.
I gasp softly, and he grips my hips, pulling away, and leaning our foreheads together.
“You matter. You have no idea how much you fucking matter,” He whispers, and I lean into him. He kisses me again, his tongue slipping into my mouth.
We pull away after a few minutes, both of us a little breathless. Before I can devour him and do very naughty things to him right here in the grass, I turn around so I’m still sitting in his lap but facing out.
“Thanks,” I whisper as I lean back against him, looking up at the sky.
“You never need to thank me, baby,” he whispers, kissing the back of my head and wrapping his arm around my middle.
Mocha climbs into my lap, and the three of us watch the fireworks together, no talking, just me in his lap and Mocha in mine. Like this is how it was supposed to be all along.
“Did they leave?” I ask.
“Yeah, they took off before I came down here,” he says, and I nod. My jaw clenches, of course they wouldn’t say goodbye.
“Oh, ok.” The words come out sounding way more disappointed than I mean them to.
“You ok?” Beckett asks, kissing the side of my head, and keeping both Mocha and me close to him.
“No, it hurts a lot,” I admit, as he lays us down on the blanket. He gently lays Mocha on the side of us, and he doesn’t even flinch, still fast asleep.
“I’m sorry. I wish that I could do more to help, baby. It’s not fair that you have to deal with this kind of treatment from them.”
“Welcome to my life,” I mutter, and he lets out a little huff.
He holds me in his arms while we continue to watch the fireworks. Neither of us says anything, not even after the fireworks are done and we’re left with the night sky.
I curl into his side as we lie down on the blanket. I pretend that everything is fine. That I don’t feel like my insides are mush, and that I want to start crying all over again.
Everything will be ok.
Just because things aren’t right now doesn't mean that they will be hard forever.