If the Stars Align

3. Dex

I back out of Sunny’s driveway. I make the short trip back to my house. But as soon as I get through the door, it starts happening. My chest is tight. My throat is closing.

I race to the kitchen and down a glass of ice cold water. It doesn’t help.

God, I’m so fucking mad at myself.

I wasted the perfect chance. The girl of my dreams was lying on top of me. And the way she looked at me, it was different this time. It felt like love. It was all I could do not to tell her the truth.

But what would Sunny think if I told her I loved her and, “Oh by the way, last night I had sex with someone else?”

Fuck!

I didn’t plan to sleep with Jenna, it just happened. It was her first time.

And mine too.

I’d had other opportunities—I just really wanted to hold out for Sunny. But she’s so hard to read. And we’ re about to leave for different colleges. How long could I possibly wait?

I’m such a goddamn idiot.

My heart races. I gasp for breath.

I try again to ground myself.

I find a picture of us on the side of the fridge and reach for it, my hands trembling. We’re sitting on the tire swings that used to be in my backyard. We’d only just met, but we look like we’d been friends forever.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw her. I remember exactly what she looked like in her yellow dress. I didn’t even know her name was Sunny yet, but I knew right away she was the brightest light I’d ever seen. What a relief to find that light after weeks and weeks of darkness.

Months earlier, I found out I was finally going to be a big brother. After I was born, my mom had three miscarriages. So when this baby girl finally came along and stuck, my parents were ecstatic.

But our happiness was short-lived. One day, my mom went to the hospital. And she didn’t come back for days.

And days and days and days.

My heart ached—I remember that. I was convinced I’d never see her again. Never smell the sweet perfume on her skin. Never feel the warmth of her arms around me. Never hear her say how much she thanked her lucky stars for me.

But eventually she did come home, with a smaller belly and no baby. She walked straight up the stairs, went straight to her room, and got straight into bed. And she stayed there for weeks.

When I asked my dad what happened, his bottom lip quivered.

He couldn’t find the words. He suggested we go to the pet store and said I could get anything I wanted.

I chose a turtle, of all things. For a few weeks, I regretted my decision.

But then, everything became clear to me.

Because, you know who really loved turtles?

Sunny. That turtle is the reason she agreed to come over and play with me.

And when Sunny started coming over, my house felt alive for the first time in months.

The sound of laughter echoed in the halls.

My mom opened the blinds to let the light in.

Finally , she was herself again. Sunny didn’t know it, but she filled a giant hole in the heart of my family.

We had needed her as much as she’d needed us.

We needed her.

I need her .

My hands are numb. Dammit.

This picture isn’t helping at all.

Everything in this house reminds me of Sunny. That usually makes me happy, but tonight it only reminds me that I royally fucked up.

I’m tempted to head back outside…

But a bolt of lightning pierces the sky.

The rain’s still coming down like crazy.

I’m trapped in here. My vision’s hazy?—

Shit …I’m doing it again…

When I panic, I tend to rhyme in my head.

It helps slow down my racing mind.

If only it would fucking work this time!

People take one look at me and think my life is perfect .

They have no damn clue what goes on beneath the surface.

But what if I start rhyming out loud one day?

Will people laugh at me? Judge me? Call me insane?

Don’t go there, Ollie. You’re spiraling.

I rush up the stairs and head toward my bedroom. But my squeaky door hinge is so goddamn loud, my parents start stirring. “Is that you, Dex?”

“Yup, sorry to wake you! Just going to sleep.” I sound cool, calm, and confident.

I really am a pro at this act.

But I hate these fucking panic attacks.

They started months after my mom came home from the hospital. I never felt anxious when Sunny was over, but when she was gone? Now that was another story. I refused to leave my mom’s side. If she left my sight, I was scared to death. One or two nights a week, I’d wake up screaming.

One night I dreamed that a ghost stole the baby from my arms. When my mom came in to comfort me, I asked where my sister was.

“I like to think she’s a star in the sky, watching over us. And maybe when we see a flicker, we’ll know she’s there.”

A star in the sky. I liked that idea. But for some reason I started to sob.

My parents took me to see a psychologist. I remember drawing pictures. Mom with a big belly, smiling. Mom with a smaller belly, sleeping. Me, alone and crying, my tears pooling in a puddle of blue crayon at my feet. Bright, beautiful Sunny in her yellow dress.

I overheard my parents talking about my therapy sessions one night when I was supposed to be sleeping. I didn’t understand most of what they said, but the phrase “separation anxiety” became embedded in my head because they repeated it so many times.

But with Sunny, I was carefree. A normal, happy kid. We rode our bikes, and played hopscotch and hide and seek, and I never, not once, felt a tinge of anxiety. We went camping together under the stars, and it was the soundest I ever slept, with Sunny by my side.

My heart rate’s slowing down.

I put my hand on my stomach and take a deep breath. Maybe this panic attack is over. I get off the floor and look outside my window. The rain’s coming down even harder than before.

It’s like the heavens are crying because I had sex with Jenna.

I made such a stupid mistake last night.

It’s starting again—my chest is tight.

The room is spinning. I sit on my bed.

I dig through a box that’s near my nightstand.

I find my old journal and flip through each page.

Find the stars Sunny drew me in fifth—no, sixth grade.

Sixth fucking grade. That’s the year I was bullied. It started on a Monday, in the boys’ locker room. Tommy Giannetti approached me with his minions. He called me a pretty boy and spat in my face. Then he pushed me into a wall while everyone laughed. The next day it happened all over again.

The fourteenth time he cornered me, Tommy and I were alone. He had his hands around my neck, and I thought he was gonna choke me. But he planted his lips on mine instead. If I snitched to anyone, he swore he’d fucking kill me.

Tommy never kissed me again because we were never alone together again. But he bullied me plenty more times. And I never told anyone. Not a soul. Not even Sunny.

I started having bad dreams again, though, almost nightly.

But I didn’t yell out for my mom anymore.

I was too old for that. Instead I sat up in the dark, sweating and panting, my heart racing, my fingers trembling.

Sometimes I’d wring my hands to try to keep them from shaking.

It was hell on Earth. I was afraid I was dying each and every time.

But I spent every minute of the summer after sixth grade with Sunny. And for three perfect months, I had zero worries. I also had a massive growth spurt. I was taller than Tommy when we went back to school in the fall.

I wasn’t scared of the locker room that day. I waited for the boys with an actual grin on my face.

“What the hell are you smiling at, Ollie?” Tommy said with his menacing glare. But his expression changed the second he realized I wasn’t only taller than him—I looked a lot stronger now too.

“It’s not Ollie anymore,” I retorted. “Call me Dex.”

And Dex punched Tommy square in the stomach, while the Ollie inside me did a happy dance. Tommy doubled over, groaning, as the boys surrounding us whooped and hollered in disbelief. From that day forward, his crew followed me .

“If you tell, I tell,” I whispered in Tommy’s ear.

Tommy clutched his stomach. “Got it, Dex. ”

Yup, I was Dex now.

Dex was cool, calm, confident.

He was popular and adored.

He was an act.

A performance I put on for survival. To deal with the anxious little kid inside me.

Yes, Ollie’s still here beneath the facade. I wish he weren’t. But these are the cards I was dealt.

The only time I’m ever my true self is when I’m with Sunny.

Whether I’m Ollie or Dex, it doesn’t matter, I don’t even have to think about it then.

When I’m with her, I’m free. God, I love making her happy.

The way her cheeks go rosy and her eyes light up.

The way I feel her joy, like warmth, in my own body.

Sunny is everything. My entire world. But I’ve never had the nerve to tell her the truth.

God, I wish I’d been more bold.

But wasn’t I bold when I kissed her at Evan Chen’s house?

It had been my idea to play spin the bottle.

I’d lost hours that week practice-spinning.

But when it was my turn to play, my hands were shaking—and the bottle didn’t spin as fast as I anticipated.

It pointed to Sunny’s left, it was obvious.

But I kissed her anyway. If you ask me, I’d say that’s pretty damn courageous.

I figured now she’d have to know how I felt about her.

But nothing changed. I was devastated.

Then at Laura Levine’s bat mitzvah party, Sunny spent the entire night being chatted up by Asher.

I don’t know why I was surprised. Of course other guys were interested in Sunny—how could they not be?

I couldn’t wait any longer to tell her how I felt.

If I didn’t act fast, I was going to lose her.

That’s when I walked up and asked her to dance.

Sunny smiled coolly and gave a little nod. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. I grinned so wide when she walked into my arms. We’d hugged thousands of times, but to be able to hold her and not let go…

It was heaven.

I closed my eyes and swayed with her, and breathed in the scent of her hair, sweet, like strawberries. And maybe a little powdered cheese, if I wasn’t mistaken. I loved the smell of powdered cheese. And I loved her. So much.

And finally— finally —I was going to tell her.

But as soon as I opened my eyes, I caught Sunny smiling at Asher .

I thought Sunny and I were soulmates. But clearly she wasn’t interested in me.

Still, when Lisa Tucker asked me to be her date to Mark Dunn’s party, I couldn’t help but wonder if it would have an effect on Sunny.

She wouldn’t be there, anyway—Sunny was wise beyond her years and much too cool for a lot of these things.

She would’ve much rather stayed home reading Pride and Prejudice than hang out with a bunch of kids at a roller rink.

So I agreed to go with Lisa. But I didn’t have the first clue how to act on a date.

I got sweaty from head to toe just thinking about it.

So I got advice from my cousin Ben. That’s how Dex became a ladies’ man.

It was all a part of the act.

During our freshman year of high school, I took a drama class, and it came as no surprise to me that I did so well. My teacher, Ms. Mack, was floored by my ability to transform into a different person. Well, I’ve definitely had a lot of practice , I said to myself.

“You have what it takes to be a star, Dex,” she told me. “Would you consider pursuing acting? I have a close connection at UCLA, so keep that in mind down the road.”

It made sense. I’m a lot more comfortable living as Dex, so I applied to UCLA.

But here’s a secret I never shared—I actually applied to Northwestern too.

I thought maybe, on the off chance that Sunny had feelings for me, we could end up going to the same school.

I didn’t tell her, to save myself the embarrassment in case I didn’t get in.

And, sure enough, that’s exactly what happened.

It put a whole lot in perspective for me. Just like I feared—I wasn’t good enough for Sunny. So even though I wanted to tell her how I felt, that goddamn rejection letter killed my confidence.

And when Jenna asked me to prom, I heard myself saying yes. We were messing around, just for fun. Our relationship wasn’t serious.

I still can’t believe we slept together.

And afterward, Jenna told me she loves me.

Other than prom, and hooking up at her house when her parents were out, we’ve never even been on a date.

I had absolutely no clue how to respond.

I started to panic. So I asked myself, what would Dex say?

Then I looked in her eyes with a confident smile and told her, “I love you, too. ”

But— fuck. I don’t love Jenna. My heart belongs to Sunny. And now I’ve messed everything up.

I don’t know how I’ll cope without her.

When the stars align, one day, we’ll be together.

It’s the only thought that brings me comfort.

I have to believe it if I’m gonna move forward.

…

The storm has passed. I lie down in bed, relieved but exhausted. In less than twelve hours, I’ll be leaving for LA. I close my eyes and try to sleep—I’ll sure as hell need it to keep up this act. If I can’t be with Sunny, I can’t be myself.

So starting tomorrow, there’s only Dex.