13. Dex
I know this because it’s the first thought in my head when I wake up every godforsaken morning.
I squeeze my eyes shut again before they fully open. It’s bright in here. Brighter than usual. My head hurts. I feel a bit queasy too.
Last night was our final performance of No Exit . Afterward, the cast got together to celebrate. I played the role of Joseph Garcin, a man who’s condemned to hell for all eternity. Needless to say, getting into character was pretty fucking easy for me.
Jesus, did I forget to close my blinds last night? I’m rubbing my forehead when I hear someone sigh right next to me.
That’s when I remember. I’m not in my own bed. I’m in Brittney’s.
She was one of my co-stars in the play. We talked for a while at the party last night, and she asked me to walk her home. When I open my eyes, she’s smiling at me.
“Last night was amazing, Dex,” she says. “If you’re not busy this morning, we could do it again…”
“I wish I could,” I say, smiling back as she runs her fingers over my chest. “But I’ve got an audition, unfortunately.”
It’s a lie, but I have to get out of here. Anxiety’s stirring inside of me. It’s always tough for me when a show I’ve been starring in ends. I’ll have to book something for the summer soon, or I’ll lose my mind not knowing what to do with myself.
“Too bad,” she says coyly. Then I kiss her. I start to sit up when she reaches for my shoulder.
“Look, I remember what you said last night,” Brittney begins. “You’re not ready for a relationship because you’re still getting over someone…”
I’ve said those words so many times this school year, I should probably get them printed on a t-shirt. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier.
“But if you ever wanna hook up again, no strings…” She shrugs. “I’m down for that.”
“I’ll call you,” I say with a wink for effect.
Brittney nods and gives me a peck. I get out of bed, and she watches me dress.
She’s sweet. Pretty. Talented. I’d be lucky to date her, under different circumstances. But it doesn’t feel right, and I don’t want to hurt her. I know she said no strings, but what if she develops feelings? Feelings I’ll never reciprocate. It’s not her fault—it’s just my fate.
Brittney deserves better than a boyfriend whose heart belongs to someone else.
Someone I may never see again.
Never hold again .
Never kiss again.
Never stop loving.
God my head is aching.
Vision blurry.
Stomach churning.
I pause and take a deep breath.
Then Brittney asks, “You okay, Dex?”
I laugh. “I had a lot to drink last night. My head is pounding, and the sun’s too bright. But after some coffee, I’ll feel alright.”
She giggles. “I don’t know if you noticed…but everything you said just rhymed.”
Fuck. My nerves are getting the better of me. In a minute or two, I’ll be full-blown Ollie.
But I summon the strength to turn back into Dex.
You can do this. Stay focused. You’re not unraveling—yet.
I opt for my half-smile, and I pull her in close. “Ha. I’m a poet, and I didn’t even know it. I’ve been reading a lot of Keats lately. I guess he’s rubbing off on me.”
Brittney sighs. “That is… incredibly sexy.” When she kisses me, I’m so relieved, my panic attack subsides. She gives me her number, and I leave.
When I get back to my apartment, I chug a glass of water. Then I take my new cell phone out of my pocket and stare at it for a good two minutes.
I call Seth first, and he gives me Evan’s number. I pace around the kitchen while it rings—he doesn’t answer. I try a few more times, but I never leave a message. On my fifth attempt at calling, a familiar voice finally answers .
“Who is this?” she asks.
“Mia! Thank god. Hey. It’s Dex.”
“Dex? Is everything okay? Evan’s in the shower.”
“I was actually hoping to get ahold of you, anyway. Mia…I need to talk to Sunny. All I have is the number to the dorm room she lived in last year, so I don’t know how to reach her.”
I can’t live like this anymore. I mean, if Sunny’s happy, I’ll fuck off and leave her alone, but if she’s as miserable as I am—hell, if she’s half as miserable—then we need to reevaluate our lives.
I know her mom wants what’s best for her, but what if I’m what’s best for Sunny?
I’ll do anything it takes to become the man she needs me to be.
I have no clue what I’d do for a living besides acting—but I can’t worry about that now. I just need to talk to Sunny. We’ll figure it out together.
Mia’s silent on the other end of the line.
“Look, I know it’s a lot to ask,” I tell her. “And I’m sure you don’t want to get in the middle?—
“I’ll do it,” she says. “I’ll give you her cell and the number to her dorm room.”
“Oh my god, Mia. Thank you. Thank you so much.”
“I’ll always be rooting for the two of you, Dex. I’m a sucker when it comes to true love.”
Knowing how to reach Sunny makes me happier than I’ve felt in 281 days.
I make myself something to eat. I take a shower. I nap. I need a clear head when I call her. By the time I do, it’s already nighttime in Evanston. I try her dorm room first. I’d rather catch her there, so we can talk privately. If I call her cell and she’s out with friends, it could be awkward.
Her line’s ringing.
My heart hammers.
A guy answers. “Hello?”
“Oh,” I say, stunned.
“You’re calling for Sunny, right? Just a second, I’ll get her.”
“No,” I say. “Sorry…I must have dialed the wrong number.”