Chapter 30 #2
As if her tears broke through a dam, they drench her face all at once.
“Yeah, but that’s the thing. You should be screaming back at me, telling me it was my fault.
You should be telling me that, if Ethan and I had never started dating, he would still be here.
You shouldn’t be bringing me ice cream.” She sinks to the floor with her back leaning against the cabinets.
I sit next to her. “I’m not going to do that.”
“If he had a different girlfriend—"
“You were the only girl for him. He didn’t want anyone else.” It’s true. Ethan always loved Sadie, long before Sadie saw him as anything more than my brother.
“Well, look what good that did.” She sets the ice cream down and draws her knees in. Her arms rest on top, making the perfect resting place for her head.
I rub the arch of her back as her muffled sobs bubble out. I want to tell her that everything will be okay, but I can’t. It’s not really true. Things won’t ever really be okay. He’s gone. That won’t change. We’ll have to adjust to the empty space he’s left.
She lifts her red-tinged eyes to look at me. “Why did you push me away?”
My stomach turns, remembering how many times I ignored her. “I wanted to forget that he was gone and you didn’t.”
She rubs her face again. “It’s because I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
Sadie isn’t the type to be afraid of things. She came out of the womb running.
“I’m afraid of forgetting him.” She takes a deep breath.
“He was a part of me, and we were so close that, when I closed my eyes, I could see and hear him so vividly. But with every day that passes, his face and voice fade more and more. I’m scared he’s going to fade away completely, and I’ll be all alone. ” She looks away.
Deserting her only made everything worse for the both of us. I rest my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend. I promise, from now on, I won’t let you be alone. I’ll stay by your side like a leech. You’ll have to pry me away to ever get some alone time.”
She half laughs through her tears.
“And I know I’m not Ethan, but maybe if you squint a little—”
“You’ve officially lost it,” she says.
I chuckle. I needed this. I needed her. “Sadie, are we good?”
She takes a deep breath. She pauses for what feels like an eternity. “We will be.”
The storm inside me calms. She’s practically an extension of me, like a limb. When she’s gone, everything else suffers too. She rests her head on mine, and we sit there in silence.
“So, are you going to tell me what happened this weekend?” she asks.
I groan.
“That bad, huh?”
“Picture a rollercoaster crashing and burning.”
She sucks in a breath. “Yikes.”
“My parents are separating. Dad’s an alcoholic. I broke up with Caleb.”
She sits up as her jaw drops. “You’re kidding.”
“Nope.”
She grimaces. “And here I am complaining about a math test. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
I set down my ice cream and hug my knees. “It’s been a lot.”
She wraps an arm around me. “Why in the world did you break up with Caleb?”
I sigh. “It’s complicated.”
She narrows her eyes. “Answer rejected. Try again.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s how it’s going to be?”
“Since when have I ever let you get away with anything? I know you too well to let something like this slide.”
“My dad was trying to drive while he was drunk. Caleb tried to stop him, but Dad pushed him, and he hit his head.”
She crosses her arms. “And?”
“And his mom might’ve told me that, if I kept dating Caleb, she would press charges against my dad.”
I didn’t think her jaw could drop any further, but it hit the floor. “We have to do something about this. Does Caleb know? He could talk to her. I could talk to her—”
“No!”
She blinks with big eyes.
“Sorry, but I just can’t take that chance. You know how much Dad means to me.”
“He’s the one that messed everything up. Why should you suffer from his bad decisions?”
I fidget with my spoon. It dips into the ice cream repeatedly but never quite comes up with a scoop. “He blames me for Ethan’s wreck.”
“That’s ridiculous.” She tenses a little, but breathes deeply, forcing her shoulders to relax. Her eyes start to water again. “I loved Ethan, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hate him a little bit. He wasn’t a safe driver, and your dad knows it. He grounded Ethan twice last year.”
“The speeding ticket.”
She nods, remembering the same things I do. “Do you want to know what I think?”
“If I say no, you’ll tell me anyway.”
She nudges me with her elbow. “Good call.” She clears her throat as if she’s about to change the trajectory of Earth with her opinion. “I don’t think your dad blames you. He might’ve said that, but he probably blames himself. We all do.”
I shrug. “That doesn’t change anything. He’s still my dad. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I let him be reported when I could’ve stopped it.”
“You do realize Caleb is going to be at the dance, right? His band is playing.”
“I know.”
“You still want to go?”
“I’m done running away every time something is hard. Besides, it’s not like I have to stay the whole time.”
She pats my hand. “Okay. I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”
I smile. “You better.”