Chapter Twenty-Five
Your arms are getting heavy. You vont to let go,” Collin says in a stupid Dracula voice right beside me.
“Collin, knock it off,” I say between pants. I reach for the next bar—or where I think it is.
“Keep coming, Sadie,” Jonathan calls out from somewhere in front of me. “You’re almost there.”
“You’re so far away,” Collin counters.
“You suck,” I tell him.
“Yeah, you suck,” Collin mimics.
“Not you, Jonathan!” I say, grasping for another bar. “Whose idea was it to shut our eyes?”
They both say, “Yours.” I groan. Of course I did. Collin comes up with the game. I add some sort of challenge to make it harder. Why do I do this to myself?
“Two more.” Jonathan encourages me forward when I hang still for too long, panting.
“That’s cheating!”
“Shut it,” Jonathan tells him. “No one harassed you when you did it.”
“That’s because I was too fast.”
I reach again, but my fingers slip, and I’m dangling from one hand. A big hand grips my flailing one and secures it to the bar ahead of me. My palms are super sweaty.
“Foul!” Collin declares.
I reach for the last rung and exhale when I swing onto it with both hands. I rock my body, kicking for the platform. The same hands grip my waist, and I’m hoisted onto the landing, my body colliding with Jonathan’s. I fling my arms around his shoulders.
I open my eyes, and he’s still right there. I blink, not sure what to do. Is he going to—
“Are you guys going to kiss?” Collin asks from behind Jonathan.
“Ew, what?” I take a step back and almost fall off the playscape.
I grab the metal post to steady myself. Jonathan moves to the other side and sits at the top of the slide, resting his feet on a ladder rung.
My face is already hot from struggling across the monkey bars; now it’s on fire.
“Jonathan kissed a girl,” Collin announces like he’s just as grossed out by the idea. “He said she tasted like bubblegum.”
“You could taste her gum?” I ask, scrunching my face in disgust at the same time my heart breaks.
“No.” Jonathan glares at Collin. “That’s not what I said. And why are we talking about this?”
“And she’s an eighth grader,” Collin adds like it’s such a big deal. It is, actually, since we’re barely sixth graders. “And you said you could taste her bubblegum.”
“On her lips, idiot.”
“So, if you kissed me right now, my lips would taste like peanut butter?” Collin pulls a package from his pocket and devours a peanut butter cup whole. “Wanna twy?” He’s looking at me, puckering his lips while still chewing.
I shake my head, grossed out. “No way.”
“Have you ever been kissed?”
“What’s your sudden obsession with kissing?” Jonathan demands.
“I want to make sure I’m good at it. I think we should practice.”
“You’re going to make me throw up,” I say, placing a hand on my stomach.
“What? It’s not like Jonathan’s gonna do it. He’s had plenty of practice. Sadie, I’m all you’ve got.”
Jonathan looks shocked. Collin smiles at him.
Jonathan jumps from the slide and tackles Collin. “I have a fist for you to kiss.”
Collin howls with laughter, kicking Jonathan off him.
I’ve tried to hide my crush on Jonathan so hard. And maybe Collin is right. He’ll never like me more than a friend. But could I like Collin? I shudder at the thought of kissing him. He’s like my brother—except, unlike Gavin, I actually like Collin.
I watch them roll around on the grass below the playscape. Having boys as best friends is so weird.
My car is in the driveway by the time I leave for school the next morning. Sleep was impossible. I don’t know if Hal kept his word and Jonathan was released. My father couldn’t—or wouldn’t—find out for me.
Mom came into my room after dinner—which I didn’t eat—but I pretended to be asleep.
Jaz and Darcy called but were told by each parent that I couldn’t come to the phone.
“Come straight home after school,” my mother insists as I walk out the door.
“I have dance,” I call over my shoulder and shut the door before she can say anything else.
She knows dance isn’t until four. I’m basically daring her to ground me or whatever.
I’ve never been grounded. I’ve also never defied my parents like this.
Other than sneaking out my window to meet Collin and Jonathan at the park up the street after curfew.
But it’s not like we were drinking or doing anything other than acting ridiculous on the equipment.
And playing the games Collin made up that made absolutely no sense.
We haven’t done that since sophomore year. Before Jonathan and I started dating.
That’s what I feel my life is divided into: before and after. Before, we all got along and laughed at the dumbest things. After, the three of us hardly ever hang out together, and everything feels… intense.
Before, Collin and I told each other everything.
After, Collin dated some girl, and I don’t even know her name.
She’s the first girl since sixth grade that Collin’s gone out with.
And he only went out with Christie Mulligan for, like, a week because he heard she’d kissed a bunch of boys and he wanted the practice.
Doesn’t really count. Especially since Collin’s kissed a lot of girls since without dating any of them.
By now, he must be really good at it. Not that I’d know or have been told.
Just the thought of Collin kissing anyone still makes me uncomfortable in a way that catching Gavin kissing a girl never did.
Before, I had no idea Jonathan and his father fought. After, I can’t believe I didn’t suspect it earlier.
Now, I can’t unsee it, and the guys will probably never talk to me again. Add them to the list.
I am officially the absolute worst friend.
When I arrive at school, everyone watches me pass. Okay, not everyone. But it feels like it. I don’t know why they’re looking at me. I’m not the one who got arrested.
My stomach aches.
Hal’s bruised face. Their raised voices. Jonathan’s fist—
I stop myself from replaying the reel in my mind, the one that keeps me awake at night. I want to understand what transpired behind the closed garage door. What Hal said to make Jonathan angry enough to hit him. Not just once—but over and over.
Maybe Jonathan gets so blind with rage, he starts swinging until someone stops him. Except Collin wasn’t there and I… ran away.
This explosion feels so much worse than when he hit Oren. That time, he was protecting me and—
Danika.
I stop in the middle of the hall when I spot her standing next to my locker.
I’m tempted to walk straight to class, not in any condition to hear her gloat about being right about Jonathan.
Except she doesn’t look gloaty. She looks…
sad. Maybe even worried. She raises her hand in a small wave. A peace offering.
“Hi,” she says when I reach my locker.
“Hi.” My voice is barely audible. I open the locker and begin gathering my books.
“I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“You mean, if he hurt me too?”
“What?”
I give her a look. She knows exactly what I meant.
“Yesterday was a lot. I’m checking on you. How you’re feeling.”
I let my defenses down. Maybe too far because my eyes begin to tear up.
“Hey,” she soothes, wrapping an arm around me.
I cover my face to hide the tears that have become a permanent feature.
“Let’s go outside.” Danika closes my locker and leads me down the hall and out the side door.
We dip into the woods across the drive that wraps around the school, where an old bench has been lost to the forest. It’s where students go when they skip class, smoke or avoid socializing.
Danika is half hugging me, not fully committing. I wipe my face and gather myself before stepping out of the weak embrace. I know she chose this spot to keep me from becoming a spectacle. Adding to the rumors that follow me down the hall. But now that I’m alone with her, I’d rather be by myself.
“I’m okay,” I tell her. It’s still too raw between us, to be honest. “Thanks for checking on me.”
When she doesn’t move to leave, I make the choice to go. Before I take a step, she says, “I’m sorry.”
It takes me by surprise. So much that I ask a stupid question. “For what?”
She raises a brow. “Are you really going to make me say it?”
I shrug. In my defense, there’s a lot to choose from. Staying with Oren. Choosing him over me. Choosing Livvy at all. Ignoring me. I mean, I could keep going.
Or maybe I’m being petty and should just accept the apology and welcome my friend back into my life.
“We picked the most complicated men, didn’t we?”
“Boys,” I correct her. She laughs.
I sigh and plop down on the bench. It creaks loudly, making me second-guess my choice to sit. “I’m either the most oblivious friend or things have gotten worse since we started dating.”
Danika sits beside me. “Between who?”
“Everyone. You and me. Collin and me. Jonathan and me.”
“What about Jaz and Darcy?”
“Oh, they’re fine.” Danika laughs at this. “But they’ve always floated in and out, more on their own than with anyone.”
“True.” She tucks her hands between her knees. “None of this is your fault.”
“Some of it is.” I eye her sheepishly. “I should never have pushed you like I did.”
“You were worried.”
I fidget with the layer of lace on my skirt.
“You had every right to be.”
I meet her eyes, surprised she’s admitting this. I didn’t hear they’d broken up. Maybe I missed it. I wait for her to finish, afraid to say something wrong again.
“We’re not good for each other,” she admits quietly. “Love isn’t enough to stay together. Not when there’s no trust. Or respect.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For being right?”
I give her a weak smile. “I wish you didn’t have to hurt to love someone.”
“Seems to be a pattern.”
“It’s different—”
“It’s not. But thanks for trying to make me feel like I have some sense. I just keep choosing these guys who want to control me. Why can’t I be enough as I am?”