Chapter Twenty-Five #2
“You are,” I say emphatically, setting a hand on her arm. “You absolutely are. No matter what color your hair is. Or how you dress. Or how candid and abrasive you are. You are magnificent.”
“Magnificent?”
“It’s as close to magical as I could come without making you into a mystical being.”
“You think I’m a mystical being?”
“In a way… I mean that. I’m in awe of you. How bold you are. Your honesty. You’re fiercely protective.”
“I get it. You can stop now.”
“But I want you to believe me. They’re not just words.
” I shift, needing her to see it on my face, tempting the fate of the bench as it groans beneath me.
“Know that I wanted to be your friend since seventh grade but thought you were way too cool for me. And then you started dating my brother our freshman year, and I felt terrible when he was such a dick to you. I figured he ruined it for me. But then you came back a badass, and I admired you so much when you walked into Just’s like you didn’t care that everyone was staring. And you chose me to be your friend.
“That was such a big deal. To finally be seen by you. And you became my best girlfriend. I would do anything for you. Which is why… I blew up our friendship.”
“I was holding the pin,” she admits. “I didn’t want to see it. To know the truth.”
“Me neither.”
“Jonathan?”
I nod.
“I heard his dad had him arrested. His face was pretty messed up when I saw him at Clara’s. Do you know what happened?”
“Not really. I mean, I was leaving when they got into an argument…” I stop myself from sharing more. This seems like too much to reveal. Our friendship is still smoldering.
I don’t think I like this blown-up analogy anymore.
“When did you break up?”
Danika lets out a breath. “We haven’t.”
“Oh.” I’m not sure what to say.
The guardedness I’ve been slowly releasing throughout this conversation zips up again.
I thought that she’d finally chosen herself.
But to know that they’re still together makes me doubt she’ll ever leave him.
She has to be the one to break the pattern—I can’t make her.
And all I can do is hope she does and be here for her in the meantime.
The supportive role is not an easy one for me to play, not when I want to scream at her to save herself.
“Have you and Jonathan?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know what we are. It’s all… happening.”
“Right. Same.” She faces me and grabs my hands. “Come to the bonfire with me on Friday?”
“Uh. I don’t—”
“Please. I want to start distancing myself from him, and he’ll be on his best behavior if I’m with you.”
“Why go?”
“Because… I have to. Just… please?”
She silently pleads with me. I can’t say no to her even though I’m not excited about going to the annual bonfire on the lake.
Everyone walks to the lake after the downtown tree lighting to skate and build fires along the shore.
It’s bad enough I have to get dressed up in one of my mother’s impractical outfits for campaign photos after the ceremony.
I was hoping to go home and wallow under my blankets after we were done.
I look into the dark blue eyes, waiting for my answer. To be there for her. Which is all I’ve ever wanted. She needs me.
“Okay.”
Danika throws her arms around me. “Thank you.” I barely hug her back.
“What are you going to do about Jonathan?” she asks when she lets go.
“I don’t know.” I’d honestly rather avoid thinking about it.
“Well, I’m here for you. Whatever you need to get you through it. It sucks.”
She stands, prompting me to as well.
“Maybe… you can still be friends?”
I give a one-shouldered shrug. My stomach bottoms out.
Friends? Meaning… we’re over? Is that what I’m deciding?
“I should… talk to Collin.”
“Right,” she replies, like this makes complete sense. “Maybe… we can do something this week?”
“I’d like that.” And I’m being honest. I’ve missed my friend. It’s time to heal one of my relationships.
Dad took me Christmas tree shopping on Tuesday. Is it really called shopping? Regardless, he thought it would cheer me up, and it did a little. We picked a larger tree than we usually pick out for his law office and set it up in the office at the house—since that’s where he works most days now.
I explored the craft store with Mom the next day to select supplies to make new ornaments—a yearly tradition.
Then invited the girls over Thursday after school to help decorate it.
I almost cried again when I came back with hot chocolates to find the girls spreading out the fur, ribbon, feathers and glitter we bought on the protective drop cloth—along with the acorns and pinecones Darcy insisted we collect at lunch this afternoon.
I was worried we’d never be together again.
Just because we’re together, it doesn’t mean we’re back to the way we were. I’m learning that once a relationship is tested or evolves, it can’t return to the way it was. I continue to view things as before and after. Eventually, I’ll learn to accept it as it is.
“What should we make?” I ask, stepping back to take in the lights and the ornaments from years past, dangling from the tree’s branches. There’s so much more vacant space this year.
“Let’s make a garland chain with the fur and velvet ribbon,” Danika suggests. “It’ll fill it in more.”
“And it definitely needs more glitter,” Darcy notes. “Jaz and I will make pinecone fairies with the glitter, feathers and acorns.” Jaz gives her a look like she has no clue how to do this. “I’ll show you.”
We sink back into weighted silence, allowing the Christmas rock music to fill the void that we haven’t figured out how to close now that we’re all in the same room.
“What brought you back?” Jaz asks Danika, gathering the pinecones so Darcy can attach acorn heads.
“I was worried about Sadie after seeing her at Clara’s,” Danika says, cutting the red velvet ribbon to create links while I cut the white fur similarly. She pauses, and we look up to find her taking us all in. “I know I haven’t been a very good friend.”
“Or maybe we haven’t been the good friends,” Darcy suggests urgently, like she’s been waiting for the opportunity to apologize. “We’ve been worried about both of you.”
“Let’s just say, we all sucked,” Jaz says, disrupting the blame game. “So, what do we do when one of us chooses a friend or boyfriend the rest of us doesn’t like?”
Our eyes dart from one to the other. Waiting for someone to answer.
The guilt of inaction’s been a stone in my gut.
“I hate not being able to fix things. But we’re not always going to like each other’s choices,” I finally say. “We may not even like each other sometimes. But I think… the important thing is to be there for each other. Even when it’s hard.”
“Is that peer-mentor speak for just deal with it?” Danika asks.
The girls laugh. I smile.
“I guess.” I bite my lip. “I want to be honest about how I’m feeling—even when I don’t like someone you’re interested in. I promise to never make you choose. But it’s so hard to just… watch.”
“You like me, right?” Darcy asks in sudden panic.
“Are you kidding? We love you,” Danika says, pulling Darcy into a hug. “Sadie means new people, other than the four of us. Like… Oren. I know you don’t like him.”
“With you,” Jaz corrects. “We don’t like the way he treats you.”
“And I don’t know if I like Livvy,” Darcy adds.
“She’s… complicated. I don’t really understand her either,” Danika says, “but she’s, like, Oren’s best friend. So, she’s part of his package.”
“Like we’re part of yours,” Darcy adds emphatically.
“Exactly,” I say. “We can’t abandon our friendship because of someone who may not be around in two months. Okay?”
Everyone nods.
“Everyone has an asshat dating story,” Jaz offers.
“What about each other’s old friends?” Danika asks not so subtly even though she refuses to name names. “The ones who’ve always been around, but things are different now?”
“I like Jonathan,” Jaz quickly defends. “I think his dad has issues. But Jonathan has only ever been good to me—in his quiet, broody way.”
“I like Collin,” Darcy declares. “He makes me laugh.”
“Me too,” I say. “I mean, I like them both. Not all the time. And right now… is one of those times because… well, I don’t know what I feel. Emotions are confusing.”
“No kidding,” Jaz notes with a raised brow. “I never believed he’d hurt you. But I couldn’t let you walk into Clara’s with everyone expecting the worst.”
“Thanks,” I say quietly. “I know we’ve said this, but I really do feel like I’ve been the worst friend. I say things that hurt. I don’t think—”
“Then stop,” Jaz interrupts me. “Thinking is overrated.”
“You love a lot,” Darcy says, reaching for my hand. “You don’t hide your feelings very well. You don’t even need words.” I release a broken laugh.
“True. And I’m sorry I thought the worst,” Danika admits quietly. “Maybe because I know what it’s like to be on the other side of it, and I never want that for any of you.” She takes a breath as if to inhale courage. “I’m ending things with Oren at the bonfire tomorrow night. For good this time.”
We stare at her.
My heart beats rapidly. I can’t tell if it’s in relief or fear. “How do you feel about that?”
“Stop peer-mentoring me,” Danika scolds.
“Sorry. I’m just… not sure whether to be happy or nervous for you.”
“I know,” she says, redirecting her eyes to the ceiling when they begin to shine with tears. “I’m not sure either.” She releases her vulnerability through pursed lips. “That’s why I need you there tomorrow.”
Jaz and Darcy look at each other.
Jaz explains their tortured expressions. “We’re supposed to go to the city with our moms. We won’t be in school either. But we can go another—”
“No,” Danika says vehemently. “No way. Sadie will be there, so that’ll be good.”
“Won’t let you out of my sight,” I promise. “Let’s all sleep over here after?”
“Yes!” Darcy says excitedly. “We’ll be back after dinner.”
“Are you talking to Jonathan tomorrow too?” Danika asks carefully.
I shrug. “If I see him. He’s avoided me all week. But I’m not sure what to say, exactly. I don’t understand any of this.”
“Maybe you just listen,” Jaz offers, her brown eyes imbuing me with bravery.
Nervous energy leaps from girl to girl like an electric charge.
Nothing will be the same after tomorrow. As dramatic as that sounds, it feels even worse.