Chapter Twenty-Eight
Iris
He went to sleep last night and never woke up.
He’s gone forever without a goodbye. Or without the universe giving us a chance to take him to the hospital. Just gone like the wind.
The room is flooded with his knickknacks, his clothes, his favorite slippers, the wheelchair he used in the last year, and so much more. Everything is as it is, but he’s nowhere to be seen, making the room lifeless.
I went inside once and couldn’t stick around for more than a few seconds before the happy and wholesome memories overwhelmed me. I haven’t stepped foot inside since.
It doesn’t matter that he lived a full life, loved me endlessly, showered and pampered me like a grandparent dotes on their grandchild. It deepens the sorrow and agony I’m feeling like a live wire inside my chest.
His passing is hurting worse than losing my grandma did.
Mostly because I was fourteen when she died and the memories of her last days faded.
But my dadu’s , every moment is vivid since he became sick, then watching him wither in front of my eyes, losing his spark bit by bit, although he tried to hide it.
What depresses me the most is that he didn’t get to witness me getting married to the man I truly love. I guess a part of me knew he might be gone by the time Kian and I decide to marry, but still, I kept the hope alive.
The hope has turned into ashes. A dream that’ll never come true.
Low chatter hums around me as I sit in my bedroom, but it doesn’t penetrate my brain.
It’s background noise. Every relative and family friend who has shown up in the last week is uttering the same repetitive words about how sorry they are for our loss and how he went peacefully, as if that’s supposed to lessen our grief.
It doesn’t matter whether a person dies young or old because grief doesn’t discriminate.
As long as you love the person, the pain at their loss is a permanent ache in your soul.
Half of my relatives came expecting lavish treatment because I have a billionaire boyfriend. As if they’re not here for a funeral, but a party.
I know it because I heard them say so when they thought I wasn’t around.
Empathy is a thing of the past, it seems.
A palm touches my knee, followed by an arm wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me against a chest that smells like my safe haven. “Rainbow, you have to eat.”
“Not hungry.” My voice is hoarse from crying the past seven days.
Kian sighs. “Have a bite. For me, please.”
“Here,” I hear Bianca murmur. “Give her some soup.”
Kian and the girls haven’t left my side since day one.
My friends spend the night so I’m not alone, while Kian goes to his apartment.
He knows I have to be with my family, plus he respects my parents and knows it won’t be appropriate for him to stay the night as we’re not married and people will gossip.
However, as soon as the sun is up, he’s by my side, even though I hardly speak.
Raising a spoonful of vegetable soup to my lips, Kian says, “Open.”
I let him feed me and swallow it down. The warmth soothes my empty stomach. A few more sips and I turn my head. “No more.”
“Okay, baby.”
“I’ll be downstairs if she needs anything.”
“Thanks, Bianca.”
Her footsteps recede and the sound of the door shutting fills the silence. Gently, Kian lays me down and his body curves around mine from behind.
“The house feels lonely without him,” I whisper, making his arms tighten around my waist. “Every time I walk by his room, I wait for his voice to call me Guddu , but it… It never comes. No one’s ever going to call me that.”
“Shh…” he consoles, rubbing my arm as I sniffle. “I know it hurts too much right now, but you’re not alone.”
“I know he was suffering and he’s in a better place now. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye and hug him one last time.”
“I’m sorry you lost him, but you have to believe he’s watching over you even though you can’t see or hear him.” Turning me around so I’m facing him, he tips my chin up, watching me so tenderly that fresh tears burn my eyes. “If I had the power to bring him back, I would for you.”
I nod. “Will you stay until I fall asleep?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Twisting his T-shirt in my fist, I plead, “Don’t ever leave me.”
“Never,” he vows, bringing me flush against him. “Sleep. I got you.”
With his heartbeat thrumming in my ears, I drift off to slumber.
***
The hardest part of grieving comes in the silence after every ritual is done, marking the end of a funeral.
When everybody goes back to their respective homes until it’s just you, all alone, surrounded by the ghost of memories of your loved one.
The everyday routine you never once gave a thought to suddenly becomes suffocating, bringing a tsunami wave of sadness.
I’m trying to push through the same, now that Bianca and Rosalie have gone home to their families after I insisted I was fine. They have no idea what a difference it made having them looking after me in the past week, alongside Kian.
Kian reluctantly left for a quick meeting at the office once I shared that my mom and I will be going through my dadu’s belongings and packing them to keep them safe. In the same way that we kept my dadi’s things.
I couldn’t ignore going into his room forever. I also couldn’t put the burden solely on my mother either. Worse than us, it’s my dad who has been terribly affected. I can’t imagine losing both my parents. It’ll kill me.
My mom and I make our way into Dadu’s room in the afternoon. My legs shake as I step inside, and the second my eyes land on the empty bed, my stomach cramps and I burst into sobs.
I can’t believe just weeks ago, we were chatting and laughing. His promise that he’ll be at my wedding rings in my ears, shattering my heart.
“Aww, bacha , come here,” coos my mom, wrapping me in a hug. “I know, I know… I miss him too.”
“How could he just be gone?”
“Death is in no one’s control, sweetie. We have to accept that no one will be with us forever and cherish the time we get to have with them.”
“He was supposed to be at my wedding. All he’ll remember is me ending one.”
“He wasn’t upset,” assures my mother, rubbing the moisture away from my face. “He wouldn’t have wanted you to marry a man you didn’t love.”
“I wanted to fulfill his last wish.”
My tone gives her pause. A frown forms between her eyebrows, before concern flickers in her eyes. “Iris… is that why you said yes to Nathan’s proposal?”
The guilt reflecting on my face gives me away.
“Oh, Iris,” she gasps.
“I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“You weren’t,” she scolds. “You marry someone because it’s what you desire, when you’re absolutely ready, whether it’s in your twenties, thirties, or your forties, not because it’ll make your family happy. You can never sacrifice your future like that. Do you understand?”
“I do.”
“Your papa and I only care about your happiness. Live your life on your own terms and timeline, nobody else’s.”
“I will, Ma. I won’t ever make the same mistake.”
“Good.” She presses a kiss against my temple.
The hours pass by slowly as we reminisce over the fun and loving flashbacks of the time spent with Dadu . How the four of us could stay in our happy little bubble, forgetting about the world outside. The space he’s left behind will never be filled.
Halfway into boxing his things, my dad joins us. His eyes glisten as he looks around, while flashing a small smile for our sake. I walk up to him and hug him.
“It’s good to have you home, kiddo,” he softly says. “Though I wish it were under better circumstances.”
“Me too.”
“Did you eat?” Concern laces his voice as he gives me a once-over. “You’ve lost weight. Don’t neglect your health.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
He shakes his head. “I’m a dad. It’s my job to worry about you. If not for us, then eat for Kian. He barely touches the food on his plate when he’s here either.”
My heart sinks. I’ve been wrapped up so much in my own grief that I didn’t realize it’s affecting my man too. I can’t stand him neglecting his health.
“I’ll take care of myself, Papa.”
He smiles in relief.
The doorbell ringing startles us. I read six p.m. on the clock. “Must be Kian. I’ll get it.”
Exiting the room, I run downstairs. The thought of seeing him gives me an energy boost. Unlocking the door, I greet, “Hey, lov—”
My face pales when I see who it is.
“Nathan,” I hiss, as he stands on my door with a somber expression. His put-together appearance with his hair perfectly slicked back tells me he came straight from work. “What are you doing here?”
His gaze roams over my face, a flicker of worry as he notices the bags underneath my eyes. He opens his mouth and bites off whatever he’s about to say. Instead, he quietly informs me, “I came to pay my respects to your parents and… you. I know how much your grandfather meant to you.”
The audacity. “Go away, Nathan.”
“Iris—”
“We’re not friends anymore,” I harshly taunt. “Stop pretending you’re a decent guy or that you give a shit about me.”
“I am truly sorry for your loss.”
My anger rises. “What are you trying to accomplish here, Nathan? Either be a bad guy or a good friend. You can’t be both. Now leave and don’t ever show your face again.”
Stepping inside, I slam the door in his face. I don’t move until I hear his car drive away. Walking to the kitchen, I distract myself by cooking dinner while I wait for Kian to come home. We’re both having a full meal tonight.
***
I toss and turn in my bed, unable to sleep alone as the clock strikes two in the morning. The sadness clinging to the walls and the pin-drop silence making it difficult to relax.
The morning Kian told me of Dadu’s passing replays every time I shut my eyes.
I had been numb and in stark disbelief as he drove me to my parents’ house.
Everything that happened next was a blur, as if I were living someone else’s life.
In a matter of hours, my dadu was nothing but ashes in the ground.