Chapter 19
On Monday, the hits kept on coming.
Your Application to Studio Red
J Allen
Dear Ms. Samuel,
Thank you for your interest in our Assistant Designer position at Studio Red. After reviewing your application, we have decided to pursue other candidates as we are looking for someone with more experience.
We appreciate you taking the time to apply to Studio Red, and we wish you all the best in your job search.
Regards,
Judy Allen
Hiring Manager
I read the email twice before letting my phone slip from my fingers and land in the grass beside me.
After weeks of silence, I’d known this was the inevitable conclusion. But seeing it spelled out so politely stung. They hadn’t even given me a chance to interview.
I tipped my head back against the wooden fence and closed my eyes.
The backyard was in an in-between state, lush and sunny, but touched by the first signs of summer easing its hold.
The crab apple tree above me swayed softly in the breeze, its leaves mostly green but freckled with yellow at the tips.
Fallen apples dotted the ground around my legs, some split open where they’d hit, their tart, floral smell mixing with cut grass and sun-warmed dirt.
From where I was sitting, I had a clear view of the back of the house and anyone who might come looking for me.
My gaze drifted to the patio. The memory of the water fight I’d had with JJ slid to the front of my mind without permission.
Him muddy, smirking, and shirtless. Me shrieking when the hose was turned in my direction.
How was I supposed to focus on my driver’s test today when all I wanted to do was curl into myself and cry?
The truth was, I’d been an emotional wreck since Saturday.
JJ had been one of the few good things I’d had going for me.
After months of feeling like I was trapped inside some kind of internal darkness, being with him had felt like stepping into the light.
It hurt knowing there would be no more late-night texts lighting up my phone with ridiculous “would you rather” questions.
Or that I’d never hear him laugh at one of his own perverted jokes again.
Pushing him away felt like—
God. There wasn’t an accurate way to describe it.
Despite the pain, I stood by my decision. I couldn’t let him get pulled down into my darkness too.
The rejection email was just icing on the cake.
“There you are,” came a voice, and I glanced up to see Stella striding across the lawn, her ponytail swinging with purpose. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
Here we go, I thought as I noted the scowl on her face.
She’d gotten back from LA this morning, and it was immediately obvious from the glares sent my direction that she was pissed.
I’d spent the day avoiding her—ducking into rooms, lingering too long in the shower, tackling chores that didn’t need doing—but I’d known it was only a matter of time before she tracked me down.
Accepting defeat, I pushed myself up and braced for the moment I’d been dreading.
“Stella,” I said with a tired sigh. “I’m not in the mood to—”
“You lied to me.”
“—talk about anything that—wait, what?”
“Don’t play dumb,” she snapped. “You told me there was nothing going on between you and JJ.”
Hearing his name felt like pressing on a bruise. My face crumpled before I could stop it, and I turned away, focusing on a knot in the fence instead of her.
“So it’s true,” she said, disbelief sharpening her tone.
No, not after shattering whatever we’d had so completely.
“I was telling you the truth,” I replied. Each word came out lifeless and thin. “We weren’t dating.”
Stella narrowed her eyes, and I immediately recognized the look. This was the part where she unloaded on me.
“I’m serious,” I added quickly. “We just…spent a lot of time together. And I guess feelings crept up on us. I didn’t plan it, okay? So I don’t think it’s fair of you to be mad at me for not telling you the second things changed when you’ve ignored me on and off for almost a year.”
She scoffed. “You think I’m upset because you didn’t tell me you like JJ?”
“I—well, yeah.” What other reason would there be?
“I’m livid,” she said, her voice clipped, “because he cares about you. He let you in, and you crushed him.”
I wrapped my arms around myself and stared at the grass so I didn’t have to meet the accusation in Stella’s eyes.
If JJ was hurting this badly now, then I’d done the right thing, even if it felt like my heart was slowly being pulverized.
Things would have been so much worse for him if we’d grown closer.
A slow breath steadied me enough to lift my gaze.
“That’s rich. You didn’t exactly take it well when you thought we were dating.”
Stella stiffened. “I wasn’t angry because it was JJ. I was angry because my best friend didn’t tell me.”
“I tried to,” I said. “Three times. But you were too busy ignoring me from the top of your high horse.”
She paused and seemed to weigh her words. A gust of wind rustled the branches overhead, knocking an apple loose. It thudded to the ground, the sound oddly loud in the silence.
“Maybe you’re right,” she said with a long exhale. “Maybe I’ve been so worried about you that I handled it badly, but this conversation isn’t about us. It’s about JJ.”
That was a generous way to put it.
I pressed my lips together. “You only talk to me on your terms, so I don’t see how my relationship with JJ is any of your business.”
“It’s my business because he’s one of my closest friends, and I’m not going to stand by while you hurt him. He didn’t give details, but this feels a lot like the way you treated Trixy, and it’s not okay.”
“I’m protecting him!” I shouted, all restraint gone. The words rang out across the yard, louder and harsher than I’d meant them to. “Don’t you get that?”
Stella shook her head, her lips curling with something close to disgust. “Really? Because to me it looks like the only person you’re protecting is yourself.”
For a heartbeat, I just stared at her, my mouth falling open around words that never made it out. I had a dozen things I wanted to say, but she didn’t give me a chance. She turned on her heel and walked away, spine straight and her head held high. The back door slammed shut a moment later.
I stayed where I was, back pressed against the fence as I tried to process what just happened.
The rough slats dug into my shoulders. That entire exchange was exactly why Stella set my teeth on edge.
She always spoke about my life like it was something she understood better than I ever could, like she was standing outside it with perfect clarity while I fumbled around in the dark.
It made having a real conversation with her impossible.
Like usual, she had it wrong. My decision to end things with JJ was nothing like my falling-out with Trixy. Because if I were protecting myself, it wouldn’t hurt like this.
If I were protecting myself, I would have held on instead of letting go.
* * *
Trixy strolled into my room later that afternoon like nothing in the world was wrong, hands shoved casually in her pockets as she whistled an unfamiliar tune. I blinked at her from where I was curled up in bed, blankets twisted around my legs, and scrambled to pull up my mental calendar.
Had we made plans to hang out today?
“Ready to get your license?” she asked, dropping into my computer chair and spinning around to face me. “I’ll even let you drive on the way back if you pass.”
Oh crap.
“My driving test,” I breathed, jerking upright so fast the room swayed.
I glanced at the clock on my nightstand and felt my stomach drop through the floor.
My appointment was in forty minutes, but I still needed to shower and change out of the T-shirt I’d been wearing for three days.
Even then, there was the half-hour drive to the DVS.
The math didn’t work no matter how generously I rounded.
But more than that, I couldn’t do it.
After what happened over the weekend, my brain felt like it was running on fumes. The idea of sitting behind the wheel, trying to remember right-of-way rules and parallel parking techniques, felt borderline reckless.
Maybe this was a sign.
Either I stayed silent for too long or my disheveled appearance finally registered, because Trixy’s easy smile faltered. She stood back up, concern replacing her earlier excitement.
“Whoa, Cara,” she said. “Are you okay? I thought you’d be ready by now.”
“I’m really sorry,” I said quickly, scrubbing a hand down my face. “This weekend was…” I trailed off, squeezed my eyes shut, then exhaled. “It went terribly. I just—I can’t do this today. I’m not in the right headspace. Do you mind if we reschedule?”
“Meaning…things with JJ?”
I nodded.
Trixy winced and sat down on the edge of my bed. The mattress dipped beneath her weight. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
She studied me for a moment, then nodded like she’d expected that answer. “Okay. Counteroffer. I’ll go make popcorn, and you can get me addicted to that trashy reality show you’ve been obsessed with.”
That got a smile out of me, but it was faint and fleeting. “Thank you,” I told her. “Really. But I think I’d rather be alone.”
Trixy took her time answering. She tilted her head to the side and watched me for a full minute, eyes assessing. I had no clue what she was looking for, but she must have found it because Trixy finally sighed and nodded.
“All right,” she said, rising to her feet. “But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
* * *
I didn’t emerge from my wallowing session until well after dinner in hopes that if I avoided the kitchen during mealtimes, I could steer clear of Stella.
As I was pulling an obscenely large serving of pizza rolls out of the microwave, the mudroom door opened, and my parents stepped inside.
Both looked weary from their day of travel.