Chapter 18 #3
How did that explain anything? “We don’t have some deep bond just because they’re together. I don’t get why he cares.”
“I don’t know,” he said. Then, almost offhandedly, “Probably because you’ll be his sister one day.”
His words—or, more importantly, the meaning behind them—hit me like a body check. “Holy crap,” I gasped. “Is Oliver planning on proposing to Stella?”
“What? No!” JJ’s eyes widened. “That’s not—no. That’s not what I meant at all.”
“Well, that’s how it sounded,” I told him. “You don’t just say something like that without context. Something had to have happened for you think it.”
“All I meant,” he said, exasperated, “is that I know Oliver. He’s my best friend. He might not have those plans right now, but he will someday. Stella’s the love of his life. That’s never going to change, but we’re way off track.”
JJ reached for my hand, his grip warm and sure. “The rest of the world already thinks we’re dating, Cara. I’d really like that to be true.”
Oh fuck.
Everything in me stalled—my thoughts, my pulse, my breath—like someone had pressed pause on my whole body. JJ didn’t do serious very often. He joked and flirted and had a good time, but there was no humor in his expression now, only earnestness and something dangerously close to hope.
He wanted this, us.
And that realization broke my heart because wanting him back was the easy part.
The hard part was knowing what it would cost him.
Loving me meant uncertainty—doctor’s offices and waiting rooms, scans that could redraw the future in a single conversation.
It meant watching someone you cared about live with a question mark hanging over their head and pretending it didn’t change anything.
I’d seen how that affected my family; I’d watched them shrink their worlds to fit around my illness and what-ifs, and JJ deserved more than that.
He was so full of life. I couldn’t ask him to live on hold.
Unable to meet his eyes, I pulled my hand from his and stared down at my comforter. “I—I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Because of your brother?” JJ scoffed. “If Drew has a problem, he can take it up with me. I’m sick of him acting like my friend one minute and glaring at me the next. It’s childish.”
God, he really meant it. How had I misread him so completely? I’d written off his comments about wanting a relationship as JJ being JJ. Maybe they hadn’t been sincere at the start, but somewhere along the way things shifted—and I hadn’t noticed until it was too late.
“This isn’t about Drew,” I said quietly. It was about protecting someone who mattered to me. If Layla’s betrayal had cut him this deeply, I couldn’t bear to think what losing me would do to him. JJ didn’t know it now, but I was doing him a favor.
“Cara.” His voice was unfairly tender. “Look at me.”
I didn’t. I couldn’t. If I did, I’d start to cry.
Placing two fingers under my chin, JJ gently tipped my head back, forcing my gaze up to his. There was so much kindness in his eyes that my throat burned. “Help me understand what the problem is so we can work through it.”
“I just… I don’t think I’m a relationship person.”
His brows knit together. “What are you talking about?”
“I don’t see myself in a long-term relationship with anyone,” I said carefully, skirting the truth without touching it. “You’re an amazing person, JJ. But the flirting and banter and back-and-forth? I thought that’s all this was. I didn’t think you had feelings for me.”
“Yeah,” he said flatly. “I’m calling bullshit. You might be able to pretend around your sister, but I see you, Cara, and that’s a lie. So what is this really about?”
“I already told you—”
“Holy shit.” Color drained from his face as his eyes searched mine. “Is it your cancer? You never told me how your screening went.”
I couldn’t look at him and tell the truth at the same time, so I focused on the floor. “I never scheduled it.”
“What!” he exclaimed. “Why the hell not?”
The ferocity his question startled me into meeting his eyes. They narrowed into slits as if he could glare an answer out of me. After another moment, understanding dawned on his face. “You’re avoiding it, aren’t you?”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” I said, blinking hard as my vision blurred. “Not knowing if you have a future.”
“Then go to the damn screening and find out!” he shot back. “Are you really going to let fear dictate your life?”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing,” JJ said. “When I found out Stella was pushing you about school, it pissed me off. I thought if anyone had earned the right to live however they wanted, it was you. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re choosing to do nothing.”
I stared at him, stunned.
“Your sister gave you a second shot at life,” he went on, “but you haven’t taken it.
You go through the motions, but you never commit because you’re terrified that if you want something badly enough, you’ll lose it.
But the thing is, if you’re not living life, you’ve got nothing worth losing anyway. ”
His words felt like a slap. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t want to fight,” he said as a vein pulsed along his neck. “I want you to give us a chance! If you’re scared, fine. I can be brave for the both of us. But don’t pretend you don’t feel this too. Because if you don’t, then what was last night?”
And suddenly, I knew.
There was only one way to make JJ believe I didn’t want this even though I desperately did. My cancer had taken enough from the people I loved. It hollowed them out until they were nothing but empty shells. I couldn’t spare my family, but I could keep him from becoming another casualty.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself. “Last night was number eleven.”
JJ went still.
“Sinister and Sweet was a code phrase Trixy and I used,” I said, willing him to believe the lie. “So if someone read our bucket lists, they wouldn’t know.”
Something dark passed over JJ’s face. “And what does it mean?”
“JJ…” I said, just to steal another second before everything fell apart. One more heartbeat where we were still us. After this, there would be no coming back. “Do you really need me to say it?”
“No.” He stood and grabbed his clothes off the floor.
“Where are you going?” I wasn’t sure why I asked. The answer was already clear.
“Home.” He paused in the doorway, not looking back. “If you think I don’t know what you’re doing, you’re wrong. But I won’t fight for someone who won’t fight for herself.”
Holding my breath, I listened as JJ moved through the house, his footsteps marking the growing distance between us. I hovered on the edge of my bed, caught between the urge to chase after him and my resolve to let him go.
The front door slammed shut.
Less than a minute later, an engine roared to life outside, the sound angry and final. When it faded, I sagged against the mattress with an already aching heart. As my eyes filled with tears, I wondered why doing the right thing never felt anything like relief.
The day unraveled after that, and I cried until exhaustion dulled the edges of my pain.
Sunday was no different.