Chapter 19
Triana~
Two days later, and I still felt as anxious as I’d had when Kairo had pulled out of me, then grabbed my face to tell me that we were going to be okay, something that I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about since then.
Once we’d finally gone our separate ways, I’d gotten home, and I had cried like I couldn’t ever remember crying before. I’d felt so overwhelmed by everything that the emotions had hit me like a freight train, and I hadn’t been able to rein them in for what had felt like hours.
To his credit, Kairo had called me a few times before I had finally texted him, informing him of my meltdown, and he had texted back, begging me to answer the phone.
When I’d finally given in, it’d been to him just telling me that he loved me and that he promised to answer his phone whenever I was ready to talk to him.
He hadn’t tried to talk me down or ‘solve’ my current state of mind at the time.
Instead, he had given me the space to have my breakdown, waiting in the wings patiently.
What Kairo wouldn’t have known was that it’d take two days for me to finally get my shit together, but even now, it wasn’t really all that put together.
My parents still weren’t talking to me, my brother was still caught in the middle, and I still didn’t have a job.
Sonia was also still worried about me, checking on me constantly, and with good reason.
Good reason because I could no longer be trusted to make rational choices, and that’s why I was waiting at the cherry blossom tree once again.
I had texted Kairo about an hour ago, asking him to meet me, my desperation making me feel like my body was too big for my skin.
I felt anxious and like I was out of choices, even though I knew that it wasn’t true.
We always had choices, and we were responsible for those choices, no matter what we told ourselves to make ourselves feel better about making the wrong choice.
Nevertheless, no matter how much my mind tried to inject common sense into this situation, I refused to listen.
Against the reality that kept slapping me in the face, I had come up with a plan to live freely with Kairo, and I just needed to know if it was something that he was willing to do with me.
While he stood to risk a lot more than I did, I still needed to try.
I could live with us not working out if I could also say that we had tried everything.
When I heard those familiar sounds of footsteps walking over the foliage, I stopped fidgeting, then waited for Kairo to appear from the trees. Once he showed his handsome face, my heart leapt into my throat, my nerves making it almost impossible to even move.
“Hey, baby,” he greeted, but it wasn’t a friendly greeting. He sounded like he was trying to soothe a wounded animal, and that animal was me.
“Hey,” I greeted back, my voice a bit breathless.
“Are you okay?” he asked, eyeing me, and it was a valid question when you considered how I had confessed to having a meltdown two days ago.
Instead of answering him, I said, “I know that I don’t have a whole lot to lose anymore, but...and I know that you do. I know that...that anything you do will come back to haunt your family, especially your father. I know that, Kairo.”
“Baby-”
I put my hand up to stop whatever he’d been about to say.
“I know the risks,” I repeated. “At this point, the only thing that I stand to lose is my relationship with Tomasco and Sonia, but...but that’s it.
Everything else is just brick and mortar, and my credit score is the least of my worries right now. ”
“Triana, tell me what’s going on,” he said, his voice still evenly calm.
“But...but my brother and best friend would understand,” I went on, rambling really.
“Plus, it’s not like we’d never speak again.
I just...once I got somewhere safe, I could call them regularly, right?
” I started pacing, my crazy no longer something that I could contain. “I...it’d be okay. I can do it.”
“Do what?” he asked, his voice now a bit firmer, signs of clear frustration.
I stopped pacing, then looked over at him. “I know that...that Canada and Mexico are no longer our allies, but...but it’s not like there’s this huge...huge electric fence separating the countries.”
“Triana, I hope that you’re not saying what I think you’re saying,” he quickly rushed out, and truth be told, I hadn’t really expected anything different.
“I can make it to Mexico, Kairo,” I told him, finally informing him of my plan. “I can make it to Mexico, and I can...I know that I can make a life there. I speak fluent Spanish, and there’d be no reason to suspect that I don’t belong there with everyone else.”
“You’re...you want to leave?” he asked, sounding completely bewildered. “You...are you seriously saying that? You want to leave?”
I could feel my hands shaking a bit, almost too scared to ask the question, but I knew that I had to. “Would you...would you ever consider going with me?”
His head reared back in shock, but I understood why.
Between the two of us, he stood to lose a lot more than I did, and the effects of his betrayal would be felt for years.
Him running off in the middle of the night would damage his family in a way that I couldn’t even fathom.
My family wasn’t under a microscope the way that his was, and me racing off to a country that didn’t want me would only make Tomasco and Sonia miss me, but nothing more.
Whatever other damage could be done had already been done when my parents had disowned me.
“Triana-”
“It’s a simple question,” I argued, though I knew that it really wasn’t.
“No, it’s not,” he replied predictably. “Nothing about what you just said is simple.”
“I’m tired of not being free,” I told him, feeling the words down to my soul.
“I’m tired of...I’m tired of my life not being my own.
What good is the free will that God gave me if I can’t use it?
I can’t even love who I want to love because...
because of something that happened over twenty-five years ago.
Because of something that I had nothing to do with. ”
“Triana, Mexico has a no-tolerance policy,” he reminded me. “Their border patrol will shoot you on sight if they catch you crossing over into their land.”
“It’s been done before,” I pointed out.
“That’s supposition,” he said carefully. “Real fugitives don’t brag on social media that they made it illegally into other countries. Those claims are all for social media likes and nothing more.”
“I can’t live here anymore,” I repeated, hoping that he could hear the sincerity in my voice. “I can’t...I can’t do this. I can’t...what happens next, Kairo? Do we keep meeting here for the rest of our lives, forfeiting our chance at children, any real kind of happiness?”
I could hear my voice taking on a bit of hysteria, but that’s how I felt right now.
I felt like I’d lost control of everything that I’d ever known, and I didn’t know how to regain it again.
Running away felt like my only chance at some real happiness, and even if Kairo didn’t go with me, I’d still be left with a freedom that I didn’t have here.
I could even make my way to South America if I didn’t want to stay in Mexico, and as someone who was no longer an American, I could go anywhere from there.
If I could just get across the border, then a whole new world would open up to me.
“Triana, let’s just...let’s hold on a second,” he said before letting out a deep breath. “We haven’t even explored the legal-”
“There aren’t any legal options to explore!” I yelled, finally losing it. “Tucker Morrison and Charolette Jackson proved that!”
“Okay, okay...” he quickly rushed out. “Just...calm down, baby.”
I ran my hands through my hair, feeling like I was on the verge of another meltdown.
Deep down, I knew that Kairo couldn’t go with me, and that’s probably why I felt so crazy.
It’d been insane to ever consider that he might follow me to Mexico.
Even if we did manage to get across the border, while I’d be able to blend in seamlessly, there was no denying that he was Black, and that would definitely present challenges that only money could make go away; money that I didn’t have.
Even if I cleaned out both of my bank accounts.
I let out a deep breath, doing my best to calm my fraying nerves.
I hadn’t asked Kairo here to give him front row seats to an epic breakdown.
I had asked him here to tell him what I was planning and to ask him to go with me, but I could see how stupid that was now.
While leaving didn’t feel stupid, asking someone in Kairo’s position to leave with me was stupid.
It also didn’t matter that we were in love; love didn’t conquer all.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said, taking another deep breath. “I’m...I’m sorry.”
Instead of telling me that it was okay, he said, “Let’s just talk about this a bit. Let’s...let’s work this out together, baby. Can you do that? Can you talk to me?”
I nodded, suddenly feeling exhausted. “Yeah...yeah, okay.”
Tiredly, I walked over to the cherry blossom tree, then sat down, leaning my back against the trunk, breathing like I’d just run a marathon, everything feeling like it was all crashing down on my head right now.
Feeling like I’d run out of time.