Chapter 59
chapter fifty-nine
Audrey
Today's vocabulary word: scattered
Half packed and fully panicking the following morning, I tossed things into my carry-on with the sort of precision that promised I'd be shopping for essentials after I landed in Michigan. It wasn't like it was hard to buy a toothbrush or makeup remover or a solid grip on reality.
Since I was hopped up on my own homemade righteousness and quite a lot of fresh adrenaline, I figured there was no time like the present to start a load of laundry, mix up a batch of cookies, and vacuum the living room.
All at once.
But that wasn't a problem. I had another hour until I needed to leave for the airport and I couldn't walk out the door with the innards of the dog toy Bagel had destroyed strewn all over the floor, and Percy did love those cookies and— Okay. Yes. I was flailing. Spiraling down. Crashing out.
But wasn't I allowed to? After all of this, wasn't I allowed to stress-vacuum with my hair halfway out of a ponytail, and an empty laundry basket clutched to my side? Couldn't I cry for no reason and every reason as I watched the stand mixer go to work on creaming some butter and sugar?
Of course I could—and that realization had me dropping to the floor in a mess of laughter and sobs because I finally knew what it was to exist without that cold shadow lurking right over my shoulder.
I'd lived so long with the chill of obligation and judgment and expectations that I felt like I was burning up without it.
Bagel climbed into my lap, all worried yips and slobbery kisses and no concern for his own boundaries. He let me hold him for several minutes before letting out a low howl right in my face like he wanted me to know I'd had my moment and now it was time to get my shit together.
"Who's the bestest boy?" I asked him. A rumble sounded in his throat as if to say he wouldn't bother with such obvious questions. "I'm going to get my other best boys back too. I know you miss your brother Percy." Bagel barked and scrambled to gather his tennis balls. "I know. I miss him too."
I knew everything would be okay when I reached Jude and Percy. That was all I had left to do. It was all I could do. Still, I couldn't get past the urgent pressure in my chest, the gnawing sense that they needed me and I wasn't there.
Once I'd scraped myself off the floor and popped the cookies in the oven, I ran to the basement to flip the laundry. The washing machine seemed to smirk back at me. A hysterical giggle slipped out of me at those memories.
There'd be more like that. Maybe not here but somewhere that fits for all of us. We'd have secret laundry room moments and holiday traditions, weeknight dinners and moody dogs. We'd make that happen. We'd finally fix the things that'd broken for all of us along the way. Forever started now.
I'd just started up the stairs, my basket overflowing with freshly fluffed clothes, when I heard the doorbell. My first absurd thought was that it was Jude and Percy, that they'd worked out a new custody agreement and everything would be all right.
My second—and really outrageous—thought was that my parents were here. That they recognized their mistakes and the long stretch of destruction they'd left in my life, and wanted to apologize. Make it right.
Bagel met me at the top of the stairs, tippy-tapping and irritable as hell about intruders, when the third—and much more realistic—thought struck: my parents were here but they were here to punish me for stepping out of line the way they'd always promised they would.
My last and least dramatic thought was that Jamie was early to pick up Bagel for pet-sitting while I was away.
At no point did I consider the possibility that I'd find Ruth on the other side of that door.
"Hi." She forced a smile. "This is weird. I know. I'm weird—I mean, I'm sorry. But also weird, maybe. I don't know. I should've texted to ask if I could come over." She motioned to the basket on my hip and the dog peeking out from behind my knees. "And you're busy."
"No, don't worry. Get in here," I said, waving her inside. "But I have to warn you that I'm leaving for the airport in less than an hour and I'm in the middle of a slight mental breakdown."
She huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, same, but without the airport."
I stared at her for a long moment, taking in her red, swollen eyes, flushed cheeks, and messy bun. Not to mention it was the middle of a weekday and she was dressed in a black t-shirt dress and sandals.
"Come on in," I said, just as the oven timer went off. I handed her the basket. "Let me just deal with these cookies and then we'll talk."
"Ooookay." As I headed for the kitchen, she asked, "What's this fella's name again?"
"Bagel," I called. "Don't take it personally if he glares at you. He's a little contemptuous. It's just his vibe."
"That's okay, Bagel. It's my vibe too." Ruth followed me into the kitchen with Bagel on her heels. She was quiet while I transferred the cookies to a cooling rack. "Are you picking someone up from the airport or going somewhere?"
"I'm heading to Michigan," I said. "The hearing is tomorrow."
She dug into the laundry, started folding a t-shirt. "Oh, right."
"That's not why I handed you the basket," I said, swatting at her with the spatula. "Just sit down. I'll get you something cold to drink and some of these cookies when they aren't molten."
"Oh god, no. Don't worry. You have enough going on. You don't need to throw me a tea party." She pushed a few loose strands of hair over her ear and grabbed a pink sleep shirt from the pile. "You're thoughtful and you give really good advice, and—"
"I give good advice? Are you sure you have the right person?"
She laughed, saying, "Yes, you."
"You've been listening to me analyze the shambles of my life all summer." Still holding the spatula, I motioned to myself. "I doubt my advice is worth much."
"Stop that right now." She shook out a pair of jeans and ran a hand down each leg to smooth out the wrinkles. A girl after my own perfectionist heart. "I won't put up with that slander."
"We should call Jamie."
"We should figure out if you're packed for this trip." She pointed to the clothes she'd sorted into categories. "Do these things need to come with you?"
I leaned heavily against the counter. "Would it surprise you to hear that I have no idea what I'm doing?"
Ruth responded to that with a sharp, decisive nod. "I'm physically incapable of letting you get on that plane without a properly packed bag. You'll cause me pain if you don't let me fix this for you."
Since I couldn't have that, Bagel and I led Ruth to the complete chaos in my bedroom.
She took one long look and then went to work sorting everything I'd already thrown in the bag and pulling items from the basket and my closet.
For my part, I sat on the corner of the bed, Bagel's head on my thigh and a paw pressed to my foot like he knew I needed to be grounded.
"You're not wearing this to court. Sorry but no," she said, glowering at a summery dress I'd chosen for that purpose. "Do you have any daily medications that you'll need? I'll pull together toiletries and makeup while you do that."
That small project was just enough to focus all this wild, spacey energy. When I returned, I found my room straightened out and my carry-on structured into precise sections. I wouldn't need to raid the local superstore after all.
"Thank you," I managed. "I didn't realize I needed some help until you showed up."
"It just so happens that I need some help too." She zipped the top on a reusable bag filled with skincare products. "Consider it an even trade."
"I don't know if you've noticed but I'm basically a cautionary tale. I did start this visit by saying I'm breaking down like the T at rush hour."
She closed my bag and towed it to the front door. Even though I only had about twenty minutes to spare, we settled on the sofa.
"I see your breakdown and I raise you an epic catastrophe of my own," she said.
"I'm not going to fight you for this crown because it's made of bullshit and therapy bills but I'm just saying you have a lot more going for you than you think, Ruth.
The first thing that comes to mind when I think about you is how stunningly capable you are.
And I have such a good time when I'm with you because you're funny and real, and real people are actually very hard to find these days.
" I shifted toward her, folding my legs in front of me.
"The fact that you didn't blink twice when you walked into this mess and then proceeded to fold my underwear tells me everything I need to know about you.
So, believe me when I say this catastrophe is going to run and hide when it sees you coming. "
"It's…nice to hear that. Thank you. But this isn't something I'm going to be able to litigate away."
"Okay." I tried to focus enough to be more than a scatterbrained mess for her. "What's up? How can I help?"
She met my gaze for a beat before dropping her head into her hands and letting a breath rush out of her. "I'm pregnant."
I stared at her for one long, unblinking moment. "Oh, honey. Are you all right?"
"I don't know."
Tears started rolling past her hands and down her cheeks. I leaned in, wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "I know, sweetie. But it's going to be okay. I promise. We'll figure it out."
"I haven't told anyone," she said through sobs and hiccups, "and I just don't— My mother— I can't— And it was just the one time! Well, the one weekend. And then there's my job and—"
Bagel bounded into her lap and, for the second time this morning, chased away a rush of overwhelmed tears.
"You're a very nice dog," she said to him. "Even if you are contemptuous."
A cheery knock sounded at the door before it swung open.
"Hello, hello! Auntie Jamie's here for time with my bestie Bagel—" She caught sight of us and her eyes went wide.
Then she darted for the sofa, flinging her arms around us and pulling us in for a squeeze.
"You don't have to tell me what's going on.
Just let me know if I need to have someone killed. "
I caught Ruth's eye. She let out a watery laugh. "I don't think so," she said. "Not yet, at least."
"The offer stands," Jamie said.
"You guys are really good friends," Ruth said.
"We know," Jamie said. "Now, it's time to get this girl to the airport."