Chapter 60
chapter sixty
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: mediate
I came to the end of the hall, checked my phone, and turned back to start my tenth lap though that didn't include the first half hour of laps when I'd been too busy coming up with awful scenarios in my head to bother counting.
The judge called Percy into her chambers forty-two minutes ago. I kept telling myself this was a good thing. My kid only talked when he had something to say. It had to be good.
Unless it wasn't, in which case— Fuck. No. I wasn't going there. Couldn't.
Either way, the gash on his forehead and matching black eyes didn't help. Didn't help one bit.
I checked my phone again. I'd messaged Audrey earlier, hoping she could distract me with pics of Bagel and stories from her classroom, but she hadn't replied. It was strange being away from her after the past few weeks of seeing her every day. I didn't like it.
I passed my attorney though she was too busy hammering away at her laptop to bother glancing up at me. That was fine. Eye contact probably added another billable hour to my tab.
As I made the turn at the end of the hall, I noticed Maddie staring at me. She stood square in my path, hands clasped in front of her though I knew she wanted to prop them on her hips. That was her default stance which meant this apparent request for my attention was something out of the ordinary.
"Hi," she said as I approached. A quick wave and then that hand found her hip for a fleeting second before dropping to her side.
I rocked back on my heels as this transpired.
The truth was, I didn't want to chat with Maddie today.
We spoke through our lawyers because she'd filed this petition before even asking me about visitation.
Because these proceedings had my kid confused and stressed, and he'd already been through enough. Eventually, I said, "Hi. What's up?"
She stared at the floor, her fingers tapping against her leg as the seconds ticked by. "It was good of you, what you did for Brenda. Helping her get into that facility and taking care of the damage to her house."
Technically, all I did was step up as the adult in the situation.
No one else was there to do it and, regardless of all the issues between us, she was still Percy's grandmother.
She was family and I wasn't going to let her get shuffled around by a shitty managed healthcare company or leave her house to a flock of seagulls.
Dealing with her homeowner's insurance and researching assisted living communities in the area wasn't difficult.
Covering some extra costs didn't kill me. "It was no problem."
"But you didn't have to do it."
I lifted a hand, let it fall to my side. "She needed the help. I did what I could."
"I should've handled it for her," she said, almost to herself.
I kept my mouth shut because, to an extent, I agreed with that statement.
But if there was one thing I'd learned from my mother's illness it was that families rarely behaved in the ways we expected.
A lot of people shut down when it came to the scary shit.
Others walked away. Some just needed time to find their footing. Like Maddie.
"What are you going to do with the house after it's fixed up?"
"I'm not doing anything with the house," I said. "That's up to Brenda."
"I miss her, you know. Penny." She said this like an accusation, her eyes flashing up to me and then back toward the floor. "I miss her every day. She loved that little boy so much and she should be here, watching him grow up."
I nodded but stayed silent. Penny had never been mine to grieve and I accepted that without question.
She belonged to Maddie and Brenda. Percy too, though the limits of his connection to his mother would always be difficult for Maddie and Brenda to accept.
They wanted him to carry on all the love and memories they had of her, even if that was quite a lot to ask of a young kid.
"He's just like her. I see so much of her in him and I'm so scared I'm gonna lose him too," she went on, her words growing watery.
"My lawyer says the petition isn't going to work and she's not going to keep me on as a client after this, and I can't really afford her anyway but I didn't know what else to do. "
I watched as Maddie swept tears from the corners of her eyes before letting her hands rest on her hips. Some of the worry eating away at my stomach settled. Some. I was jaded enough to know better than to trust anything unless it came straight from the judge.
"I just…I want to watch him grow up," she said. "I want him to know who I am, who Brenda is." She peered up at me, her eyes still glassy. "He deserves that, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I do," I replied. "It never crossed my mind that we wouldn't come back to visit."
"Okay, yes, I might've jumped to that conclusion," she rushed to say. "But you have to admit you've never liked Percy spending time here."
I took a huge mental step away from that last comment.
Not taking that bait. Not when I'd tried and failed for years to explain that Percy needed to be surrounded by people who understood his communication needs and were willing to learn ASL for him.
That ignoring his differences only made the barriers higher for him than accommodating those differences.
And that he could be the last living piece of Penny but only if he was also allowed to be a kid and not a talisman of their grief.
"I can admit that I've been hard on you," she added. "None of this is easy and I don't like saying it but a podcast told me I could do hard things so here I am."
I bit my tongue. Not for the first time, I wished Audrey had insisted on coming along. If she'd pressed, I would've folded on that issue. And she would've known exactly what to say to all of this.
Since I didn't know what kind of reaction Maddie was going for, all I could manage was, "Okay?"
"But you have to know that hostility was only because adjusting to this whole thing has been so hard.
Every time I feel like I get a handle on it all, something new comes along and stomps all over my mental setup.
" She held up a hand and started ticking off on her fingers.
"First, Penny's pregnant and she's busy searching for you, and then there's a whole human baby, and then she goes and dies on me—"
"Wait, she wanted to find me? When she realized she was pregnant?"
Maddie's eye roll should've come with sitcom sound effects.
It was that far over-the-top. "Yeah, of course she did.
It just took a long time to track you down.
She always wanted you to be involved. She said you were kind.
Funny too. Not sure I see much of that myself but it's not like I can argue with her now. "
I couldn't put a finger on why it mattered to me so much that she'd wanted me to know about my son right from the start. But it did. It was the breeze that sent a boulder tumbling off my shoulder, one I hadn't even realized I'd been carrying.
When I didn't respond, Maddie asked, "Have you thought about when you'll visit?"
"I don't know." I hesitated a moment, not sure it was wise to share so much without legal counsel breathing down our necks.
"I haven't seen Percy's school calendar for the year and Brenda won't be up for much more than video calls until she's back on her feet.
It really depends on what's best for them. "
"You mean that? You're not just looking for a loophole to take him back east and never return? Isn't all of this a silver lining for you?"
It was my turn to roll my eyes. "I don't know what it says about me that you'd assume I take a dementia diagnosis as a silver lining."
She circled a finger near her head. "Yeah, hearing you say that now makes me realize I might've catastrophized a little too close to the sun."
With an arched brow, I said, "Brenda's had one shitty turn after another these past few years.
But the reality of this situation is that we were overdue in revising the custody agreement.
We know now why she was having a hard time looking after him but that's not the real issue.
He requires people who prioritize his needs above all else.
He doesn't deserve to be passed around for weekends, holidays, and summer vacations because it makes us happy.
He should be able to join a soccer team if he wants and know he won't have to miss a quarter of the games because he has to fly out here once a month. "
As if we hadn't worn this path bare already, she said, "The obvious answer to all of that would be you moving here. You have to see that it would work best for everyone. And it's not like you have a whole bunch of family where you live now."
"I know that seems obvious to you but it's not actually best for everyone and it's not a permanent solution.
" I debated taking the next step, knowing it could very well blow up in my face.
"You're right that we don't have much family in Virginia.
But that's why we're moving to Boston. There's someone very important to me—and Percy—there.
Someone we love very much. Her name's Audrey and I've known her since high school.
She's the best person I know and…and we have friends there too.
People who've helped find a school that fits his needs and families with kids who make him feel welcome. "
Maddie's hands fell to her sides. "Oh."
"Audrey doesn't want to take Penny's place," I said. "I know she'll want to keep Penny's memory alive, to help Percy know his mom. Because she loves him and wants what's best for him."
"That's what I want too," she said quietly.
"We all want that," I said.
"I know," she said, a little snappy, a little defensive. "I just…there aren't a lot of right answers, okay?"
"Believe me, I know. But when it comes down to it, what we want isn't relevant to this debate. It's about Percy and giving him the best we have."
She took this in with a slow nod before saying, "Then I think I have a few suggestions that might work for us and this blended family situation we have going on."
I decided this wasn't the time to grumble about these suggestions, the ones that hadn't dawned on her until my kid was an hour deep into his chat with a judge.
I really needed them to be talking about mythology and not how I used to walk him to sleep while watching the John Wick movies. Or that I let him eat burgers with pizza slice buns. Or that he referred to the dog as his brother.
I caught my attorney's eye and motioned for her to join us. "What's up?"
"And then I told her that Bagel is three different colors." He stopped signing long enough to wag three fingers at me. "White and brown and black, and black spots on his belly."
"Important details," I said, taking his hand as we crossed the parking lot. "Did you talk to the judge about anything other than Bagel?"
"We talked about carrots and how Bagel likes to chomp on them but he leaves little carrot bits on the floor and makes such a mess!"
"Right. The carrot bits." Automatic doors whooshed open as we stepped into the hotel lobby. "Anything else? Anything about school or therapy or—"
He wrenched his hand away and sprinted across the lobby, his Ninja Turtles backpack bouncing from side to side as he ran. Between stunned blinks I saw him fly into—
Holy fuck, it was Audrey. She was here, her arms outstretched as Percy crashed into her, sending her back several steps until she finally fell to her knees.
For a second, all I could do was watch while she whispered something into his ear that had him giggling like wild and lashing his arms around her neck.
I felt it deep inside my chest when she smoothed his hair into place and held him like she'd never let go.
I remembered how to use my legs then, quickly closing the distance in a few long strides.
I didn't think twice about dropping to the lobby floor and throwing my arms around them both.
My lips met her temple as I said, "I don't know what you're doing here but it's so fucking good to see you, Saunders. "
"I couldn't let you do this alone," she said. "I missed my boys too much."
Percy freed himself enough to sign, "Can we go home now? To Bagel?"
"Soon. After we take care of a few things at Grandma's house and visit with Aunt Maddie." To Audrey, I said, "And then we'll go home."
She met my eyes with a question. I nodded, smiling. Hoping that was enough of an explanation for now. We'd wade through the details later.
Percy chose that moment to wiggle free and pop to his feet, leaving us tangled on the floor. He signed, "Can we go out for burgers now? You said I could have the one with brisket in the middle."
"Wait, what was that word?" Audrey asked as she repeated the sign.
I peered at her. "You understood him?"
"No, I didn't, that's what I'm saying," she replied. "What's in the middle of the burger?"
"Brisket," I said. "But you understood the rest."
"Mostly, yeah," she said.
"I've been teaching Audrey while we bake bread," Percy signed. "She knows all my favorite books, Daddy." To her, he added, "I finished listening to the book. We have so much to talk about."
"I knew you'd like it," she said.
If I'd felt a boulder roll off my shoulders earlier, this sent the whole mountain crashing down.
All these weights, these burdens shifted suddenly and I could finally see the way through this.
Through the complications and headaches and disasters—and I knew without a doubt what was waiting for us on the other side.
"I love you," I said to her. "You know that. Right?"
"I'd say so, yeah." Her smile hit low in my gut and it hit hard. "I love you too."
"No, I need you to understand that I fucking love you, Audrey.
" I brought my hands to her face and sealed my lips to hers.
"We've already lost too much time and I can't lose a second more.
I love you, all of you, every last inch of you.
You're everything to me. I don't care if we get married.
Doesn't matter to me. But I need you to know that I'm yours and you are mine, and there is nothing in this world that will keep me away from you.
The rest of my life isn't nearly enough to love you but it's all I have. Please tell me it's enough."
"It's enough," she said against my lips. "It's everything I've ever wanted. We are everything."
"Me too," Percy signed. "And Bagel."
I swept an arm out and folded him into our embrace. "Can't forget about Bagel."
We stayed there for a moment, locked in an awkward jumble of limbs while people passed by with their rolling luggage and curious glances. I needed a little longer, just one more minute to breathe knowing that my world wasn't perfect but it was damn close.
And then my son asked, "Can we have burgers now?"