Chapter 33 #2
He hated that Matt had already learned the difference between his real smiles and the ones he used to reassure people.
“My supervisor thinks the final chapter is stronger than I do, which means either he’s right or he’s trying to be nice.”
Owen smiled properly this time. “Having read some of it, I’m voting for him.”
Matt grinned. “Traitor.”
“Realist.”
That was Matt all over. The easy warmth, the ability to make everything lighter without even trying.
Owen watched him walk across the room and had the strangest, most painful thought.
I could get used to this.
And that was exactly why he couldn’t.
This wasn’t some brief summer affair that would fade when the weather changed. Matt was already woven into the everyday parts of his life. Not deliberately. Not because Owen had asked him to be.
It had simply happened, and that scared him more than anything.
Matt stayed another hour. They talked about nothing important. They discussed the dissertation. They argued about which film they should watch next. Matt teased him about his inability to keep houseplants alive, despite having an entire garden that looked as if it belonged in a magazine.
Owen laughed in all the right places. He even reached for Matt’s hand once without thinking, then stopped himself. The motion was so small Matt probably didn’t notice.
Owen noticed.
He noticed everything now.
When Matt finally stood to leave, Owen walked him to the front door. The space where normally, he would pull Matt close and kiss him, touch him.
A promise neither of them said aloud but both of them understood.
Tonight, Owen kept his hands at his sides.
“See you tomorrow?” Matt asked. There was no hesitation in the question, only certainty.
The kind of certainty Owen didn’t deserve.
“Yeah.” He smiled. “Tomorrow.”
Matt smiled back, opened the front door, and crunched his way over the gravel driveway, pausing to wave when he reached the end of it.
Owen closed the door, its click loud in the quiet. Only then did he let the expression fall.
He walked slowly into the lounge, to the open windows, and in his head he saw everything he’d allowed to happen. Not because Matt had forced his way in, but because Owen had opened the door.
That was the part he couldn’t ignore.
I invited him into my home, my routines, into the places that mattered.
Places where Matt seemed to belong now.
Owen walked across the patio, stopping beside one of the flowerbeds. There was still one section that needed finishing. Matt had pointed it out yesterday.
“We’ll sort that bit next week,” he’d said.
Not you’ll.
Not if you want me to.
We’ll.
Such a small, harmless word.
Except now Owen heard the future hidden inside it.
Next week. Next month. Next summer.
His chest tightened.
That was what Jeff had seen. Not just the age difference, the possibility of people judging them.
He’d glimpsed the future, the thing Owen had spent years avoiding.
He could picture it too easily. Matt in his forties, still young enough to want adventures, to travel, to build a life full of possibilities. And Owen in his seventies, slower, older, needing things Matt shouldn’t have to give.
He imagined the quiet sacrifices. The cancelled plans. The appointments. The days when Matt became a carer instead of a partner.
The worst part was Owen knew Matt would do it.
That was who he was. Loyal, kind, compassionate. The sort of man who stayed when things became difficult, who searched for reasons to hold on rather than reasons to leave.
And that was what terrified Owen.
Matt wouldn’t walk away when the years caught up with them. He wouldn’t resent the appointments, the slower pace, the things Owen could no longer do. He would simply adapt. He would love him.
And one day, Owen would become the reason Matt’s world became smaller.
The thought hollowed him out.
He gazed at the house, the barn, the places where Matt had left pieces of himself without even realising it. The place where he had somehow filled a hole in a life that had never been meant to have room for him.
Ben had been Owen’s miracle, the kind of love people searched their whole lives for and never found. Six years. Six perfect years.
Owen had already been given more than most people ever received.
How could he ask for more?
How could he take someone else’s future when he already knew what it felt like to lose one?
His phone buzzed, but he ignored it. A breeze moved through the garden, stirring the leaves.
For the first time, Owen understood the thing that frightened him most.
He wasn’t afraid Matt would leave him.
He was afraid Matt wouldn’t.
Because if Matt stayed, Owen would have to accept something he’d spent weeks refusing to see.
This wasn’t desire, or companionship. It wasn’t just enjoying having someone beside him. Matt mattered more than that.
Without warning, Matt had become someone Owen loved, and that was exactly why he had to let him go.
He closed his eyes.
He’d spent years making sure nobody needed him. Nobody depended on him. Nobody could be hurt by losing him.
Then Matt had walked into his life and somehow made himself at home without ever asking permission.
Owen swallowed.
I love him.
And loving Matt meant wanting the best for him, even if the best thing for Matt was a life without Owen in it.
Tomorrow, he would start making things easier.
He would create distance. He would be careful. He would do what he had always done.
He would leave before someone had the chance to lose him.