Chapter 36 #2
He’d simply… stopped. And Owen saw it happen and told himself he was doing the right thing.
I hurt him.
There was no getting around that. He’d taken something warm and uncomplicated and turned it into uncertainty, all because he’d been too frightened to admit the future he was trying to protect Matt from was the future Owen himself wanted.
I thought ending things before they became serious would spare Matt pain.
Instead, he’d spent two weeks teaching Matt that loving him was something to regret.
“Dad?”
He turned. Callum stood beside him, holding a beer, frowning.
“You all right?”
Owen raised his eyebrows. “I’m fine.”
“Then you might want to tell your face.” Before Owen could tell him where to get off, Callum gazed across the garden. “Where’s Matt?”
Owen’s stomach clenched. “Edinburgh. He’s visiting a friend and handing in his dissertation.”
Callum was still frowning. “He should be here.” Then he sighed. “He would’ve wanted to be.”
Owen tightened his fingers around his glass. “Maybe. I’m not so—”
“I thought I was helping,” Callum blurted.
Owen went still.
Callum stared down at his beer. “When I talked to you after the island, I thought…” He shook his head.
“I don’t know what I thought. That you were getting in too deep.
That you were going to get hurt. That Matt would get hurt too.
I thought he’d eventually realise the age difference was more complicated than it seemed. ”
Owen said nothing.
Callum swallowed. “I didn’t think you’d do this.”
“Do what?”
“Turn yourself into someone who looks like he’s waiting for his own funeral.”
Owen gave a short laugh. “Bit dramatic, don’t you think?”
“Maybe.” Callum gazed towards the house. “But you’re miserable. Don’t tell me you’re not.” He scraped his fingers through his hair. “And if you’re miserable, I’m guessing Matt isn’t exactly having the summer of his life either.”
That was the part Owen didn’t want to think about.
Callum sighed. “I might have got this wrong.” Owen blinked, and he let out another sigh. “Yeah, there’s no might about it.”
Owen took a deep breath. “Go get yourself another beer. There’s nothing you can do. The damage is done.”
Callum stared at him. “No.”
Owen frowned. “No what?”
Callum shook his head. “I know you. And I know Matt. And this isn’t you two being over.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know you’ve spent years convincing yourself that loving someone means eventually losing them.”
That hit too close.
“But Dad… you didn’t protect Matt from losing you.”
Owen swallowed.
“You taught him what it feels like to lose you while you’re still standing right in front of him.”
For a moment, Owen couldn’t speak.
Callum seemed miserable. “I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “No. Don’t do that.”
“But—”
“I made the choice. And I’m the one who has to fix it.”
Callum studied him. “Then do it. Fix it.”
Owen stared at the garden gate. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Neither did Matt, probably.”
Owen closed his eyes for a heartbeat. That was the part he couldn’t bear.
“But you can at least try.” Callum’s shoulders sagged as he turned towards the house.
Owen had tortured himself with the same thought during the last twenty-four hours. Matt would come home from Edinburgh. They would see each other. They would be polite. Perhaps, eventually, the friendship would find its old shape again.
Except Owen knew better. There was no going back to what they’d been before.
He closed his eyes again, as if that would shut out the thought.
There was something far worse than losing Matt—making him believe he’d never truly been wanted.
“Owen.”
He opened his eyes. Jeff stood a few feet away. “Can I have a word?”
Owen glanced around the crowded garden. “Of course.”
“Somewhere private.”
That wasn’t good.
Owen put his glass down. “Let’s see what it’s like in the kitchen.”
Jeff nodded and followed him indoors, the noise of the party following them. Thankfully, no one was in there, and the kitchen door swung closed behind them, muting the voices outside.
Jeff took a breath. “I need to tell you something.”
Owen’s heart sank. What now?
“What?”
Jeff stared at him. “I spoke to Matt.”
Owen’s stomach roiled. “When?”
“About half an hour ago. I think he called me because he knew I’d be here.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me he misses you.”
Owen stopped breathing for a moment. Those three words hurt more than anything else Jeff could have said.
Not he’s angry.
Not he hates you.
Not he never wants to see you again.
He misses you.
Because that meant Matt was still standing on the other side of the distance Owen had created, wondering why Owen had left him there.
“He said other things too, but I think it’s best if you hear those from him.”
Owen jerked his head towards Jeff, who stared back at him.
Jeff swallowed. “I owe you an apology.”
That was the last thing Owen expected. “For what?”
“For what I said to you.”
Owen frowned. “Jeff—”
“I was scared.”
“So was I.”
“No. You were scared before I ever opened my mouth. All I did was give your fear a voice.”
Owen’s chest felt constricted.
“You know what the worst part is?”
He didn’t answer.
“I thought I was warning you about the future. I thought I was making you think about what could happen twenty years from now. The age difference. The things you might not be able to give him.”
Owen tightened his jaw. “You succeeded.”
“Too well. I made you imagine every possible way you could fail him.” Jeff swallowed. “But I never stopped to ask whether Matt thought loving you was a failure.”
“Because you were right about one thing.”
“Which thing?”
“I am older. There are things I can’t give him.”
“Maybe.”
Owen frowned. “‘Maybe’?”
Jeff shrugged. “Maybe he doesn’t want the things you’re so certain he wants.
Maybe he wants the things you keep refusing to believe you can give him.
” He sighed. “I thought I was protecting my son. But the truth is, I was protecting the version of his life I had already decided was right for him. And I had no right to do that.”
Neither of them spoke.
Outside, someone laughed. A glass clinked. The ordinary sounds of the party continued.
Owen scraped his fingers through his hair. “I love him.” There was no hiding now behind wanting him, or pretending it was just affection or attraction or a summer that had gone further than expected. “And because I love him, I thought I had to let him go.”
Jeff held his gaze. “That’s where you got it wrong.”
Owen looked down at the tiled floor. “I wanted to spare him. I wanted him to have a whole life, to wake up one day and not regret choosing me.”
Jeff nodded. “And did you ever ask him whether he would regret it?”
Owen didn’t answer.
“Did you ever ask him whether he wanted the choice?”
“No.”
“Did you ever ask him what he wanted?”
Again, Owen said nothing.
Jeff’s voice softened. “That’s the part you need to understand. You weren’t trusting Matt to love you. You weren’t even trusting him to know himself enough.”
Owen flinched.