CHAPTER 5 #2
“Where are you going, baby?” Dio asked as he came up behind me and placed a tentative hand at the small of my back supportively. “I can bring you whatever you need. You have to rest,” he told me.
I shook my head violently though. I was sick of resting. I was sick of lying there drowning in the haunting memories and terrorising flashbacks.
“Come on. Let’s just get you into bed, then….”
I slammed my hand against the door, which I leant against, as hard as I could, repeatedly, to stop Dio from talking, let alone leading me back towards that damn bed!
“Okay.” Dio stopped and turned to face me as I continued to bang, venting just a fraction of my anger and fear. “Cara, okay. Stop now. You’re going to hurt yourself,” he told me as he wrapped his arms around me, caging my own in his so I had to stop the banging.
My fear and anger were riding me too hard now though, so as he held me I fought to get free.
I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to hit something.
I wanted to rage and lash out until the wave of emotion inside of me found some way out.
It was building up and building up until I felt like I was vibrating with the force of it.
All I wanted to do was rage – hit something, smash something.
Just something to make it stop! To make it all stop!
Finally, Dio released me, afraid of me hurting myself. I stumbled back until I hit the bedroom wall, then I crumbled down it until I was on my knees on the ground.
My whole body was shaking violently and my jaw was clenched so tight I could hear my teeth grinding together. Tears filled my eyes and I was fighting to breathe through that feeling that was out of control inside of me.
The images started to play then. I saw Mikhail Kozlov point that gun at Arran and Cal, then turn just slightly as two shots rang out.
Blood spread across Gia’s chest, then she dropped to the ground, the sound of her hitting the concrete echoing through my thoughts.
Her eyes on me. The hatred. The blame that it was my fault!
She knew. She knew I caused everything and she died hating me.
“Don’t act like this isn’t what you’re good at, Cara!” Her hate filled words rattled through the memory.
I balled my hands into fists and started hitting the floor before me with everything I had.
I smashed my fists down over and over again, so hard each hit rattled my entire body, but it wasn’t enough.
The flashbacks played on. Men on top of me, tearing me apart.
I felt the agony of them inside me, the rough hands pinning me down, and holding me brutally as they took what they want and enjoyed every moment of it.
“You’re used to being naked and on your back!” Gia screams at me, then I see her stood there, that hate filled smile on her face. The two shots ring out again, then the blood, and her eyes. The blame. The hate.
Images of that same blame in my mother’s cold eyes flash up too, then the men over me again. The stench of stale cigarettes as ragged breath brushes over my skin. The pain. Arran and Cal’s muffled rage and pain, and the banging of the metal chair legs on the concrete.
Two shots ring out again and I will myself not to look this time, but I do. Gia crumpling to the floor. Another monster on top of me, grabbing my thighs viciously as he rips me apart with a smirk on his face.
A scream tore from me, long and tortured. I couldn’t hold it in any more. The loss. The pain. The fear. It was too much and it wouldn’t stop. It would never stop.
“CARA?!” My eyes snapped open at the loud roar and I looked around, feeling disoriented and confused as Cal burst into the room, hopping on his good leg, moving without the crutches he was supposed to use. Dio was knelt on the carpet before me, not touching me and looking shaken.
I burst into tears as my emotions overwhelmed me again, collapsing forwards and pressing my forehead to the ground, my tears soaking into the carpet beneath me.
“What the fuck happened?” Cal asked quietly, but I could hear him.
“I…I don’t know. She had a nightmare and I woke her. She calmed down, but then I think she started to have another maybe? Next thing I know she’s at the bedroom door pounding on it, then she fell to the ground and just….fell apart. She screamed.”
“I know she bloody screamed! I heard her,” Cal ground out.
“What should we do? Should I get Rafe back here?” Dio asked. It was the most uncertain I had ever heard him sound. I couldn’t help but think that maybe I had broken him.
“No. She doesn’t need Rafe. She just needs to know she’s not alone.”
As Cal spoke I felt him move closer to me, then he dropped heavily to the ground behind me, so I was sitting in the space between his legs.
“Now, I know that sounded like a giant plonked down behind you, babe, but I assure you it’s just me,” he said teasingly, softening his tone for me, as he settled in behind me, then very slowly and gently placed his large hand on my shoulder.
I was still on my knees, with my head pressed to the carpet, my ribs screaming in pain at the position and my head fuzzy and dizzy. “I’m here now. Whenever you feel ready you sit up and lean into me, okay?”
“You should take your shirt off. She likes to feel skin. It worked before to calm her down,” Dio spoke up.
“That’s a really good idea, actually. Skin to skin contact is proven to be soothing with anxiety and PTSD for some.
” Cal agreed, and I felt him move around a little behind me.
I wondered if he’d removed his shirt. The idea of sitting up and cuddling into his warm, broad chest sounded like what I needed right then.
“Can you handle this? I should get some work done,” Dio said, and I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed that I was clearly scaring him off with my crazy behaviour.
“Of course I can handle things, but if you want to be a part of this, Dario, you really should stay. She needs you too,” Cal sighed.
“I’m no good at this shit. I’m much better off making sure she’s safe right now.”
With those words I heard my bedroom door open and footsteps retreat. I had scared him off, I realised.
“Just you and me then, gorgeous,” Cal told me.
The easiness in his words helped me to calm a little more, and I forced in a very shaky and ragged breath.
I was still shaking badly, and I suddenly felt freezing cold, but I started to sit up.
I wanted to press against Cal. No one could make me feel safer and saner than Cal could right then, and I needed some of that.
“Cal?” I whispered as I turned my head and met his eyes.
“You don’t know how good it is to hear you say my name,” he sighed with relief.
“I…I d-don’t think I c-can do this,” I whimpered through my tears. Cal watched me as pain and worry crossed his face, but he rallied, as he always did, and gentled his features for me.
“Right now you don’t have to do anything but let me hold you. Can you do that?” he asked.
I gave a shaky nod, and in a second Cal had me scooped up and held against him tightly, my head rested against his bare chest, my entire body wrapped tightly in his strong arms. The sobs came quickly, and they were loud and mournful, filled with so much pain, and yet, no matter how much I cried, the pain never got any less.
Cal just held me, rocking me slightly. He was the only thing stopping me from losing my mind altogether. I was pretty sure if he let me go, I would drown in the chaos and terror inside of me.
At some point the tears stopped. Either I was too dehydrated to cry anymore, or simply too exhausted. Either way my breathing slowed and I just lay there against Cal. Things in my mind didn’t really calm down, but they faded a little as my thoughts became cloudy.
“Cal?” I whispered.
He lowered his head from where he had been leaning back against the wall and looked me over. All of the levity and light had gone from his face. Instead he just looked worn out.
“Yeah, babe?”
“I…I’m s-sorry I w-oke you up,” I whispered shakily.
“Silly girl,” he sighed with the hint of a smile. “Don’t you know I’d always much rather be right here with you?”
“My head…everything’s so out o-of control. I th-think I’m losing it…losing m-my mind,” I stuttered honestly.
“I’d be more worried about you right now if you weren’t falling apart, Cara,” he told me.
“What?”
“So much has happened to you in your life, and so much more just in these past weeks. I think anyone who could endure all of that and come out not feeling unsteady just days later, would have to be a psychopath or something. Of course your head is a mess. It should be. What happened to you, it wasn’t right.
None of it should have happened, let alone all of it.
It will take time for your brain to be able to process it all, and it won’t be a fast or easy thing to do either.
You’ll need help, from a professional, and from the people who love and care about you.
You shouldn’t be alright now babe, so stop expecting it of yourself, right? ”
“But I w-want to be alright.”
“I know you do. You’re so strong and resilient.
You’re used to just dusting yourself off, pushing the trauma away, and moving forwards.
You got good at that, I think. But that won’t work now.
What happened to you was too much for you to brush away this time.
You have to find healthy and lasting ways to deal with it all. ”
“What if I c-can’t do that?”
“You can and you will. And you won’t do any of it alone.
Me and Arran aren’t going anywhere. You’ve got Rafe too.
And even if Dario is bullshit with emotions, he cares about you, and he will support you through this as much as he can.
Terza too. You have a family now. Lean on us.
Let us be here for you when you need us, and even when you don’t. That’s all we want right now.”
“Maybe,” I shrugged.
“What does that mean? Talk to me,” he implored.
I sighed deeply and looked up at him as yet more tears came, filling my eyes and making my vision blurry.
“Right now I…I d-don’t know how to get through the next hour, Cal. What happened…it’s in my head…playing there…running in a loop over and ov-over. I’m too sc-scared to sleep. I can’t eat. I just need it all to…to just stop.” My last words came out broken and desperate.
“Are you talking about hurting yourself again, Cara?” he asked seriously.
“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t…I…I haven’t, but…”
“But what?”
“But maybe…if it w-won’t stop. It’s too much!” I cried brokenly.
“No! Are you listening to me? You do not do that again. If you’re even thinking that way I want you to come to me, right away, and if I’m not here you go to someone, anyone.
We can’t lose you, Cara. I love you. Do you remember me telling you that?
I damn-well love you, and I will not lose you.
I know you have spent your whole life fighting, and you must be so tired of it, but I need you to keep going anyway.
Keep fighting. I’m going to do everything in my power to keep you safe from now on.
Arran too. We can all make the future a better place for you, for all of us. ”
“I love you too Cal, but I…I still don’t know how to get through the next hour…even the next ten minutes. I don’t know h-how to make any of it better!”
“We do it together, one step at a time.”
“How?” I asked defeatedly.
“Let’s start by getting you out of this room,” Cal announced. “I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of the sight of these four walls.”
“Coffee w-would be good,” I agreed.
“Okay,” he nodded. “That’s the beginnings of a plan then.”
I squeaked in shock when he rose to his feet in one smooth move and lifted me right with him.
“Cal!” I cried. My voice was rough and hoarse, but I seemed to be over the block that had stopped me from speaking for days.
“Did I hurt you?” he asked as he froze.
“No. You! Your ankle!”
“I didn’t put any weight on it. I’m fine,” he waved me off as he kept one arm around me and slowly lowered my feet to the ground. “What do you think about taking some blankets out and laying in the garden? I doubt we’ll see any stars, but you never know.”
“I used to do that when I w-was a kid,” I recalled. “I…I was obsessed with space…a-and the sky. Rafe…he bought me a telescope but I…I had to leave and I n-never got to use it.”
It had been so long since I thought about any of that.
I’d been a kid then. Maybe not like the average eight year old, because of the family I was born into, but still innocent and sheltered some.
Thinking about it, those days - when Rafe gifted me my first telescope, and the sky full of stars had been pure magic – they had been the last days of my innocence and childhood.
“Then what do you say? Do you want to do some stargazing through the London smog?” he asked with an uneasy smile.
I had worried him and I knew it, but I also hadn’t wanted to lie to him. I didn’t want to promise him I was okay, when I was so far from it.
“Fresh air would be good,” I agreed with a nod.
“Good. Put on a jumper and some warm socks,” he told me as he nodded to the leggings and t shirt I wore.
The t shirt was Arran’s and it dwarfed me, but I felt comfortable in it.
He and Cal had given me a pile each of their clothes when I got back from the hospital.
They didn’t say if they found it odd how much I liked wearing their things over my own.
They just did anything they could to make me feel comfortable.
“I just need to grab my crutches and maybe a jumper too,” he added.
I nodded and pressed a steadying hand to the wall knowing he was going to let go of me.
“Will you be okay? How lightheaded do you feel right now?” he asked.
“I can get to the closet,” I assured him.
“Okay, but sit on the bed to get dressed, then wait there for me. I don’t want you falling over and hurting yourself further.”
I just smiled as much as I could and nodded. I didn’t feel like smiling, but Cal needed something from me. He was trying so hard to make me feel better, all to no avail. A forced smile and my agreement was the best I had to offer him right then.