CHAPTER 12
CARA
Arran didn’t speak a word to me as he ushered me back through the crowded station and out to the car. He helped me into the backseat and buckled my seatbelt again, but then there was just silence. I was pretty sure I knew what he was angry about.
By the time we walked back through the front door at home, I had twenty missed calls from Cal on my cell, so I was in no way surprised to find him waiting for us in the entrance hall, sat on the bottom step on the stairs, with his leg stretched out before him.
“Where the hell were you?” he demanded the second Arran followed me in and closed the door behind himself.
“Sorry, lad. That Hilt guy rang Cara an’ needed to meet right away. We had to rush out.” Arran explained.
“Hilt? He’s in the UK? What did he want?” Cal asked.
“We can go through everythin’ when Rafe and Dario get home. Right now, we need te talk about somethin’ else.”
I wrapped my arms tightly around my middle, where I stood frozen just inside the door. I didn’t want to talk about it because if we did I knew they’d make me stop. They’d take away my pills and with them my calm, and then where would I be?
“Cara, what’s wrong? Come over here and sit with me,” Cal urged as he held an arm out towards me. I just shook my head and looked to Arran, knowing he was going to say it, no matter how much I willed him not to.
“The guy we just met, pointed out somethin’ about Cara that we’ve all failed to notice,” Arran began.
“What? What the fuck is going on? Cara, just come to me, babe, please?”
“Cara’s pupils are huge. Her heart is beatin’ so hard ye can see it against her pulse point at her neck.
In the station she was jittery and fidgety.
I’ve noticed her zonin’ out more lately too.
I thought she was just exhausted from no’ sleeping, but when I think about it, her moods have been erratic too. ”
“Cara?” Cal gasped as he thought about Arran’s words for little more than a moment before turning to me with so much worry, it made me feel lower than low.
“I didn’t want to, but they…it helps. It makes the pain and anxiety less…makes me numb. I know I shouldn’t, but I…I need them! I’m sorry,” I squeaked as my voice broke and tears flowed down my face.
I just stood and cried, feeling ashamed, afraid, and embarrassed all at once. I didn’t hear Cal’s crutches over my own sobbing, but he had gotten to his feet and come over to me, I realised, as his arms came around me fully and just held me against his body firmly.
“We’re not angry, Cara. Just worried. Only worried about you,” he soothed.
“Arran’s mad,” I sniffled against his t-shirt.
“Arran isnae mad. He’s annoyed wi’ himself fer no’ seeing what was happenin’ sooner, an’ worried sick about what ye have running through yer system right now,” Arran spoke up, and I could feel his hand running over my hair again and again, assuring me he was there.
“Do you know what you took? Your pulse is really fast,” Cal asked me, and I didn’t even realise he’d been checking my pulse, but he obviously had, his fingers pressed against my right wrist.
“No. Just pills,” I shrugged, refusing to lift my face from where it pressed into Cal’s chest.
“Where did ye get the pills from, darlin’?” Arran questioned.
I hesitated, and not just because I couldn’t stand the thought of moving away from the peaceful heat of Cal’s hard body against mine.
How could I explain I had been taking drugs I pretty much just found in a bathroom?
Taking drugs was one thing, but suddenly it had dawned on me just how crazy it was that I’d been taking unknown drugs, from an unknown source.
“We’re not going to be angry, Cara. We’re just worried. Can you talk to us?” Cal gently prodded.
“The funeral,” I whispered, forcing myself to lift my head away from Cal enough that my words weren’t muffled by his shirt. “In the restroom…Gia’s friends. When they left, they left some pills on the counter. I’d overheard them talking about needing something to numb them, and I…I needed that too.”
“And you’ve been taking them ever since?” Cal asked.
“Not at first. I even threw them away. I didn’t want to be like my Mum. But then things were just so h-hard all of the time. I took one and it helped, so I took more. They’re not addictive though.”
“How do ye ken that?” Arran demanded, and when I glanced over to where he stood opposite Cal and I, he had his arms crossed over his chest, his stance rigid and tense.
“They only numb me. They don’t give me a high or anything. They don’t make me go all glazed over and out of it like the crap my Mum used to take. They just help a little.”
“They could still be opioids, babe. And even if they’re not, who knows what’s in them? You could be poisoning yourself.” Cal explained.
Nothing he was telling me was news to me. I had spent most of my life with a drug addict. I had been fully aware of the risks when I started taking those pills. I had just done a pretty good job of convincing myself otherwise. Deep down, I don’t think I’d really cared.
“Where are they? In yer room?” Arran clipped.
Panic filled me at the idea of him taking them away and stealing the only peace I had found in weeks.
“There aren’t any left. I took the last ones after my shower earlier,” I lied, turning my face to hide against Cal as I spoke, knowing Arran would read the lie if I didn’t turn away.
“Look at me,” Cal said calmly, but firmly. When I hesitated, his hand moved from my back to cup my chin, guiding my face up until I was looking guiltily into his eyes. “You just lied to us, Cara, and I don’t think it was the first time in the last week. Don’t we deserve honesty?”
There was disappointment in the weight of his stare, and so much concern in the tone of his serious and steady voice. All of his usual lightness was gone.
“I’m s-sorry,” I whimpered as tears spilled down my cheeks.
He was right. I had lied that week, and not just to him and Arran, but to Rafe, Dio, and even Terza.
I’d lied about eating, about sleeping. Every smile, every laugh, every proclamation that I was fine.
All lies. That wasn’t who I was. I had never been a good liar, which was why I always chose honesty where it was safe to do so.
“It all stops now, right? No more lies. No more pretence that you are doing better than you are. No more hiding from any of us. We’re here for you, just like we have been since the day you met us.
If you feel like you can’t cope; if it’s all too much, you do not damn-well take drugs you found in a bathroom!
You come to us. You let us help you. We’re here for you, Cara.
Please, just tell me what we have to do to make you actually start believing that,” Cal pleaded.
A sob slipped free as guilt and shame consumed me. I had been trying to protect them all, and instead I had just upset them.
“I w-wanted to be strong,” I squeaked.
“Jesus, lass. Ye are strong. So fuckin’ strong.
I dinnae ken how yer still on yer feet and breathin’ after what ye’ve been through, but here ye are.
Strength doesnae mean dealing wi’ everything alone.
It means knowin’ yer limits, an’ askin’ fer help when ye need it.
It means standin’ despite the storms that come, and sometimes maybe ye’ll manage to do that alone, but other times ye might need others to stand wi’ ye, support ye.
It doesnae make a difference as long as ye survive in the end.
Yes, ye can be strong alone, but ye can be a lot stronger as part of a team.
A family. A relationship. That’s what we’re tryin’ to build, is it no’? ”
“Why would you want to build anything with me?” I laughed flatly. “Look at me!” I waved a hand over myself, knowing what a state I must look.
“Because we love ye, Cara. Yer no’ perfect, but neither are any of us. Can broken people no’ have a happily ever after?”
“God, I hope they can,” I sniffled.
“They can. We’ll be the proof. We’ll get through this and whatever else comes, together. Maybe we won’t get the perfect fairytale ending, but I know we can find a way to all be happy together.”
“I want that,” I agreed shakily. “But it’s a ways off, I think.”
“Ye got somewhere else to be, lass?” Arran questioned, and when I looked to him, the corners of his mouth were tipped up in a tiny smile.
“Let’s go up to your room,” Cal spoke up. “You’ll give Arran the remaining pills. No more taking anything to make you feel numb, agreed?”
I nodded, but I still felt physically sick at the idea of handing those pills over. The thought of facing the next day without the lull they gave me was overwhelming and scary.
“Good. Let’s go then. You need to rest for a while. When Dario and Rafe get home, we’ll have a meeting with them about what you guys discovered earlier.”
“You won’t tell Rafe about the pills, will you?” I asked anxiously. Arran and Cal shared a look, having some silent conversation I didn’t understand.
“No, we won’t, Cara. You will,” Arran answered flatly.
“No, Please. He’s already going through so much. I don’t want to disappoint him, or make him worry more. Please!” I cried desperately.
“He loves you, Cara. Nothing you could do would disappoint him. And as for worrying him – I don’t think he could be any more worried about you than he is right now.” Cal pulled me tight against him again as he spoke, running his hand up and down my back to soothe my new flash of panic.
“He needs to know. We cannae keep somethin’ like this from him, nor from Dario. It’s time to stop hidin’ from everyone, includin’ the two of them,” Arran added.
I knew he was right, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying to admit to them what I had done, especially when, if I were honest, I didn’t even want to stop taking those pills.
I didn’t know or care what they were. I just knew they were the only thing that had helped me to breathe since that night in the warehouse, and I feared without them I was going to suffocate.
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