CHAPTER 16
CARA
“I miss you,” I told Rafe for about the sixth time that day, and what had to be the hundredth time in the last week that he had been in that damned coma.
“I know I keep saying that, but I feel it so much, Rafe. I don’t know how I ever survived all of those years without you.
It’s only been a week since you were shot and I feel lost without you.
I went to your office when I got home last night.
I thought I’d sleep better on the sofa in there, but it’s not the same without you there working away, making me feel safe.
It doesn’t even smell like you now,” I rambled.
Cal had told me there was a chance Rafe could hear me, So I had been speaking to him a lot when I came to visit each day.
There had been no visible change in Rafe’s condition, but his doctor’s assured us all that he was healing on the inside.
They had plans to try removing the ventilator in a couple of days if Rafe held steady.
Cal explained it was a way of testing Rafe’s lung function.
If he managed to breathe well alone, they would discuss taking him out of the medically induced coma so he would wake up.
If not he would need to stay under for longer, giving his lung more time to heal.
Cal had been with me a lot over the last week.
Arran had been working with Dio, attending meetings with other families, and trying to get answers about who had shot Rafe so they could retaliate.
I had done all I could to help, but none of the dead men had been Hilt or Dev, and when I had tried to call Hilt on the number he contacted me on, it was a dead end, the phone shut off.
There was little I could do to help really, and Dio was fighting hard to keep me out of it, fobbing me off with promises that he’d involve me more when he had something to tell me.
He was angry with me, over Dante. He hadn’t outright said it, and he wasn’t being hostile with me or anything, but he was maintaining a distance, using the fact he was busy as an excuse to never be alone with me.
It hurt, and I missed him, especially when I was struggling so much just to keep functioning hour by hour, day by day, but he obviously needed time, and I could give him that.
What I couldn’t do was change my mind about Dante.
I wanted him whole and I wanted him with our family, where he belonged, no matter how pissed Dio was with him.
Arran had been quietly working to track Dante down at my request. I was getting so worried about where that infuriating man had disappeared to.
I needed to know he was at least free, and not being held captive somewhere, being tortured and hurt.
Arran had agreed with my concerns and promised me he’d do what he could to find out where Dante was.
As yet he hadn’t found anything, but I was hopeful he would find something that would assure us Dante was safe.
Otherwise it had all been quiet. There had been no more attacks, no more drama.
Cal, Arran, and Terza had kept me company as much as they could when I was home, and Cal brought me to the hospital each day so I could just sit with Rafe for several hours.
Sometimes he sat with me in Rafe’s room in the I.C.U.
, and others, like right then, he sat on the chairs outside the door in the hall, getting his uni work done.
Either way, he was always close enough to hear me if I needed him.
And there had been a few times when I had needed him – when seeing Rafe that way had become too much and I’d broken down.
For the most part, I had tried hard to hold myself together all week; to be strong and keep myself together. Some times I succeeded, other times I didn’t.
But the inside of my head was still the horror show it had been before the attack at the hospital, and now it was highlighted with flashbacks of Rafe being shot and bleeding out.
I still crumbled sometimes, when the pain, fear, and darkness were just too much.
I cried. My anxiety took over and panic attacks consumed me.
The nightmares haunted every moment of sleep that I got, it seemed.
But I was never alone through any of it.
Cal and Arran had become everything to me that week.
Our relationship had strengthened so much because of the way I needed them, and because of the way they were there without question.
Without Rafe around we had been able to be openly affectionate and we had shared kisses here and there.
They’d held me at every opportunity, and we’d built on the bonds that had already been there between us all, only strengthening them.
“Cara?” I looked up and found Cal leaning in the door of the private room. “Brax is going out to get lunch for everyone. What sounds good?”
“I’m not really hungry,” I sighed.
“That’s what you said at breakfast, babe. You need to eat something.”
“Maybe some fruit then,” I suggested, even though just the thought of food made me feel ill.
After a terrible night of little sleep, and nightmares each time I did start to drop off, my stomach was being held captive by my anxiety that morning.
Cal nodded then ducked back out of the room, the door closing behind him with a dull thud.
“I love them, I think, Rafe,” I admitted as I turned back to him.
“I love Cal and Arran. I’m sure of that.
When I’m with them I feel so much more like I’m a whole person sometimes, and I never thought I’d feel that way.
I care so much for Dio too, and Dante if I’m completely honest with myself.
I know if you can hear me you’re probably freaking out, but there’s just something between us all.
I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like my body keeps telling me that I need them…
all four of them. God, that makes me sound selfish and needy, doesn’t it?
” I scoffed. “I’m not sure it’s gonna work out the way I want it to anyway.
Dante is still a ghost, and Dio is mad with me right now.
I think he cares about me…Dio, I mean. He told me he wants to be with me, but deep down I think he’s unsure if he can handle who I really am.
When I’m falling apart I terrify him, and when I’m trying to be strong he resents my need for control.
Not sure that’s the greatest basis for a relationship. ”
I sat back and took a deep breath as I pulled back yet more tears, this time stemming from the worry I felt over the strain between Dio and I.
Things between us just didn’t work the way they did with Arran and Cal.
I feared Dio and I needed more from each other than either of us were capable of giving.
“God, I’m sorry. I’m probably boring you senseless with all this relationship crap,” I laughed as I leaned back into Rafe and held his hand between both of mine.
“I’m okay, alright? Know that. Cal, Arran, and Terza are taking care of me, and Dio has security watching my every movement.
I’m safe and I’m keeping my shit together, so don’t waste any energy worrying about me.
Just use all the energy you have to heal.
I need you to come home, Rafe. I need my brother back, healed and in one piece. ”
***
“Ye need to eat somethin’, hen. Cal said ye’ve barely touched a thing all day,” Arran gently pushed as I sat with him in the dining room, poking at the pasta Terza had made for dinner.
I’d stayed with Rafe most of the day, but being with him didn’t make me feel better. It just made me worry more that so many days had passed and he still looked as though he was already lost to us all.
Add to that my exhaustion and the general dark cloud that felt like it had been following me all day, and you got darkness – my darkness, pushing through my weakened shield to consume me while I wasn’t strong enough to fight it.
“Rough day,” I told him honestly. “My appetite is non-existent.”
“Rafe is getting stronger. The doctors seem positive about him breathin’ on his own when they take him off that ventilator in a couple of days. He’ll be awake an’ complainin’ about how poorly we’ve taken care of ye ‘afore we know it,” Arran tried to reassure me.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “It’s just a lot, you know? I’m t-tired.”
“Aye, I know, darlin’,” he agreed with a sad smile. “How about we head into the living room an’ watch a film? I’ll see what sweet treats I can rustle up to keep us all goin’ too,” he suggested and I just nodded.
Cuddling up with Arran, and maybe Cal too, if he could be pulled from his uni work, was exactly what I needed to soothe my frayed nerves.
“Good. Go and change inte somethin’ comfortable, an’ meet us there, alright? Cal’s already working in there, and I’ll be right behind ye.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
I couldn’t help but sit up straight, reaching as far as I could to lay a kiss against his lips.
They were so soft and warm in comparison to his scratchy facial hair, and I loved the feeling.
He smiled as I pulled back, reaching for me until his hand was at the nape of my neck then he pulled me in closer for a longer, slightly more intense kiss.
“If I ken’t it was a kiss ye needed to put a smile on yer face, lass, I’d have taken action much quicker,” he teased when we pulled apart. I knew he was right – there was a small, satisfied smile on my face now.
“Well, if I had known that was an option, I’d have requested it much sooner too,” I told him with a shaky smile.
“It’s always an option, Cara, and ye never need ask.” He leaned in to kiss me once more, chastely this time. “Go on. Go get changed before I take this too far.”
“I didn’t know we’d set limits,” I teased, feeling brave and incredibly worked up.
“You set the limits here, darlin’, an’ I didnae think you were ready to move them just yet. We dinnae need to rush anythin’ here. Ye need te feel comfortable wi’ how fast things move between us. I can wait. It’ll no’ kill me.”