CHAPTER 24 #2
Despite the ridiculous hour, there was still a low buzz of life in the city below me, like it had no intention of ever sleeping – cars racing way too fast down the streets, late night revellers laughing and calling to each other as they stumbled their way home.
I glanced over the balcony and sighed. London looked almost unreal at this hour - ribbons of headlights threading through wet streets, the slow pulse of red aircraft lights blinking atop distant buildings.
Somewhere far below, a siren wailed and faded.
I found it all oddly comforting. It reminded me of the noise that used to come through the draughty, rotten old windows of my apartment back in Chicago.
I’d left Cal in bed and slipped out, unable to sleep or even lay still.
I just felt too anxious about everything, but especially Dante and Rafe.
Things were so raw and angry with Rafe, and so unknown and terrifying with Dante.
I felt the need to do something to get to the bottom of each situation, and yet I didn’t know where to even begin.
The text message was a feeble attempt to offer an olive branch to Rafe, but I also knew how stubborn he could be, so I didn’t exactly expect any reply from him.
And Dante? I had no idea. No simple text message was going to bring him back and I knew it.
I’d sent enough. Finding Dante was going to be a lot more complicated and likely dangerous, not that the thought put me off.
I’d be out on the streets working to locate him right then, if I had the first clue where to even begin.
Instead I needed Dio to start that ball rolling and he was far from enthused at the prospect.
I checked the screen of my phone, desperate for an answer from my brother, but there was nothing, the screen dark.
I blinked away the tears from my eyes. How did everything get so messed up?
Rafe was alone. The thought circled endlessly, vicious, and sharp.
He was injured and suffering, and I had left him all alone.
Was he angry with me? How could he not be when I had walked out on him as I had?
But I needed him to see reason. Just because I was his little sister, and he was insanely protective of me, it didn’t mean I could allow him to dictate my life.
I was an adult and I had to find my own path.
I’d love to do that with Rafe at my side, but he couldn’t step out and stop me each time he worried I was making a mistake.
He couldn’t threaten men he considered family because they had the misfortune to fall for me.
Yeah, I kept on telling myself that, but it didn’t make me feel any less guilt.
I squeezed my eyes shut to stem more tears from falling and forced myself to take a breath. The panic that I had fractured my relationship with Rafe was terrifying me more than anything. What if things between us could never be the same again?
I shouldn't have left him like that. I knew how stubborn he was when he was hurt. He wouldn’t want Brax or any of his men to see him as vulnerable or weak.
He’d never ask them for help, no matter how badly he may need it.
Would he ever forgive me for leaving him when he needed me most?
What if he never spoke to me again? I couldn’t live with that, but I couldn’t lose the men I loved either.
And Dante - God. It had been months without a single word. No calls. No messages. No trace.
My mind raced with anxiety ridden thoughts, one after another, flitting between the messes in my life and keeping me on the cusp of falling apart.
Every day that passed hollowed me out a little more, until even breathing felt threaded with dread about what came next.
I kept imagining the worst things possible because my brain wouldn't let me imagine anything else; kept on replaying the worst moments of my disaster filled life in vivid repeats.
It was hard to stop myself going to every single worst case scenario when I had so many of those to look back on and regret.
The balcony door slid open behind me startling me from my downward spiral. Warm light spilled across the tiles as I swiped a hand over my wet cheeks tiredly.
“Cara?” Cal rasped, his voice rough with sleep.
I looked over my shoulder to find him standing barefoot in the doorway, hair messy, sweatpants hanging low on his hips. Concern immediately replaced the sleepiness in his expression when he saw me sitting there.
“There you are,” he murmured.
I tried for a smile and failed miserably.
He crossed the balcony without hesitation, the cold clearly not bothering him.
“Hey.” His hands settled gently on my shoulders. “Why'd you disappear?”
“Couldn't sleep.”
“I noticed.”
There was no accusation in it. Just worry. All anyone ever seemed to do now was worry about me. I missed Cal’s constant smiling and happy, care free side, but I saw less and less of it the more I fell apart.
I looked away again, blinking hard against the sting in my eyes.
“I didn't want to wake you,” I whispered.
“You've been upset all night,” Cal pointed out, as he crouched in front of me, trying to catch my gaze.
My throat tightened.
“I'm fine.”
He gave me a look that said he didn't believe that for a second.
“Cara.”
That was all it took. I hated lying, and that was what I did every time I tried to tell them all that I was ‘fine’ constantly. It was even harder to do when they seemed to know the truth every time, well before I even opened my mouth.
I exhaled shakily and stared out over the city again.
“I keep thinking about Rafe.” My voice came out smaller than I intended. Shaky and weak. “I shouldn't have left him alone.” Cal stayed quiet, letting me talk. “He was hurt and angry and I just…” I swallowed hard. “…I walked out anyway.”
“You didn't abandon him.”
“It feels like I did,” I squeaked through my tight throat. “What if he doesn't forgive me? What if this breaks our relationship? I only j-just got him back, Cal.”
Cal's expression softened painfully. “He’ll come around.”
“You don't know that.”
“No,” he admitted quietly. “But I know your brother. I know how much he loves you.”
“Right now he probably hates me,” I scoffed bitterly.
“No, Right now he hates me, Arran, and Dario. Not you. He’s trying to protect you and we all expected that. He was just hurting.”
“So was I.” The words cracked coming out.
Cal reached for me immediately, his palm warm against my cheek.
“Beautiful…” he uttered softly.
I finally looked at him then, and something in my face must have undone him a little, because his entire expression gentled even further.
“He threatened your lives,” I whimpered. “And Dante's still gone,” I went on. “Nobody knows where he is. Every time my phone rings I think…”
My voice broke completely and tears flooded down my face.
Cal stood abruptly and pulled me up with him, then before I could react properly, his arms wrapped around me, solid and warm and impossibly safe.
He lifted me effortlessly against him, and I clung to him on instinct, arms winding around his neck while my legs hooked around his waist beneath the blanket.
“Steady now, Cara,” he murmured against my hair, holding me tighter. “I've got you.”
I buried my face into his shoulder. The ache in my chest loosened just slightly as he rubbed a slow hand up and down my back. It helped. Having him that close helped to calm the chaos in my head some.
“Rafe will come around eventually,” he said softly. “He loves you too much not to.”
I wanted to believe him, but the darkness inside me was telling me not to – that things were never that easy. Not for me. Never for me.
Cal tilted his head enough to kiss my temple first, then the corner of my eye.
“And Dario and Arran are searching for Dante. You don't have to carry all of this alone. We’re here for you.”
My fingers tightened against the back of his neck and I pressed my forehead against his, just wanting to be closer.
He cradled me against his front tightly and kissed me again, this time properly.
Slow and careful. Like he was trying to soothe every frayed edge inside me and it started to work.
I melted into him immediately and gave into the kiss and to him.
The cold air, the city, the panic in my head - all of it blurred as his lips moved against mine with his usual patience. I kissed him back harder than I meant to, desperate for the warmth of him, and his grip on me tightened in response.
“Easy,” he murmured with a faint smile against my mouth.
I huffed a laugh despite myself.
“You started it,” I argued.
“Did I?”
His lips brushed mine again, teasing now, and I felt the smile against my mouth before he kissed me deeper.
Heat unfurled low in my stomach, as my hands slid into his hair, tugging lightly.
He made a soft sound that sent another wave of warmth through me.
I wrapped my legs even tighter around his trim waist and shamelessly pressed my core against him.
He growled a little this time, which only made me move more.
The blanket slipped halfway off my shoulders, and Cal's hand immediately moved to my bare skin, stroking gently down my arm as if he couldn't help himself.
His touch was careful, reverent almost, but there was still unmistakable hunger beneath it.
“You’re too cold,” he murmured eventually, making me smile. These guys never stopped taking care of me, and I had to admit, I revelled in it.